A review by Moi - Davina

A majority of crossdressers live their public life as men while at times dressing as women in their private lives

That seems to be most of us

The fantasy of submissiveness and dominance makes people whose sexual behavior runs toward the vanilla uncomfortable.

Hmmm I guess as a T-girl i'm more submissive less brash and alpha and i think that's maybe what my wife sees in Davina and thinks is nicer maybe. This doesnt make me feel uncomfortable,

For men, the fantasy combines the roles of a dominant woman or man who holds power over the “naughty boy.”

I do quite like my wife to be more dominant when I'm dressed

Mutual consent governs the role-play, although the fantasy itself incorporates an element of non-consent.

I received two letters about cross-dressing.

One was from a man who cross-dresses but whose wife now refuses to participate.

The other was from a woman whose cross-dressing husband has her at the end of her rope.

These two letters provide a window into this hidden world.

[Both letters are used with permission and have been edited for clarity and to protect their identity.]

A little more about him

First, I heard from a man who occasionally wants to cross-dress and be submissive to a dominant partner.

Early in their relationship, his wife participated with him.

He wrote, “We occasionally would dress in lingerie together and even chat with men online. It made sex so much fun.”

Then, she announced she refused to do anything “perverted.”

They continue to have an active sex life, but he feels disappointed that she cut off the kink. “It feels like she’s getting what she wants, and I have no choice but to give up because my needs are ‘perverted.’”

Maybe it scared her that he was getting off chatting to men whilst dressed

Crossdressers, transgenders and drag

Crossdressers are mostly men who sometimes dress in feminine attirefor sexual arousal.

Ahh the agony aunt straight in on we dress for sexual arousal.. there will be an element of this but not the whole reason for why we crossdress.

Individuals vary in the extent to which they cross-dress.

For some, a submissive role creates part of the pleasure. The sub man becomes a naughty boy who must be punished by the “good girl.”

Sorry I dont recognise this in my dynamic with my wife i dnt need to be punished for being Davina I dont feel like a naughty boy

A majority of male crossdressers are heterosexual, and most marry. They live their public life as men while at times dressing as women in their private lives.

Very true and some live this secret life forever and some tell their wives to various outcomes.. i think the more positive outcomes come from openly discussing and exploring why the need to crossdress is there.

Transgender Identity represents individuals who identify with the opposite gender and feel trapped in the wrong body.

Which is why I dont really cover this on the forum although some of us may be gender fluid if it interpret that right as wanting to express themselves more feminine in appearence ie sometimes I'd love to get up from bed and present as Davina for the day.. but most of the time i can't but given that option i'd take it as and when i felt the urge.. to what extent and how often who knows. This is one of my wifes fears that i'd dress a lot more and go out dressed or present fem to the world,

“Drag” performers see it as an artistic outlet above all else. They act publicly as an embellishment of the opposite gender to entertain audiences. Most drag queens maintain an inner sense of being a man. Their flirtatious (and often stinging) interaction with the audience provides any sexual arousal they experience.

I wonder what Drag Queens would think to this.. I've not idea as I don't do drag have been to a drag show once and didn't like it the portrayal of a woman by the drag artist was overtly sexual and crude.

Fetishes

Fetishes are a preferential sexual interest, for a specific body part or objects associated with a body part (stockings, lingerie), or particular behaviors of another person. They are used to enhance a sexual experience rather than being a necessity.

To an extent and this will vary .. Tights more practical but Stockings are sexy.. My wife even yesterday said she doesnt get what it is about stockings but shes a woman all she needs to know is women wearing lace topped stockings is a turn on for men especially with paired with high heels .. it just is.

Men and Women have fetishes.. Men have more of them, and men more readily accept them in others.

Clinicians consider fetishes a disorder only when they cause distress, impairment, personal harm, or risk of injury to others. If participants in these alternative sexual behaviors are competent adults who give mutual, informed consent — and the practice doesn’t harm anyone — no right or wrong exists.

In a moralistic society, fetishists can expect that they will experience prejudice from the broader community. Society judges men as demeaning themselves if they dress as women who are considered by some to have a lower social status.

I don't demean myself when I become Davina .. maybe Davina is more me and the man is some front i put up that the world expects of me.. maybe i demean myself being that Darth Vader figure? I think there is some fetish to why we dress but like the other reasons, liking womens clothing, liking how it feels, the escapism it gives us fetish will be a % in a pie hart of reasons why we dress. It may range from a large to a very small percentage. For me it's a small one.

As a young lad, I dressed as a girl for Halloween. I sensed that disapproval immediately after walking out the door of our home.

My response to him

Sexual boundaries challenge couples, particularly when one wants something that might be considered a bit kinky or off-limits by the other.

This is where talking comes into it you need to talk and know your fantasies and how far your partner / wife / GF is willing to go with those fantasies and some she'll flat out say no to and some she may try and surprise you and surprise herself.

You were right to disclose this early in your relationship. But then, eager to please each other, perhaps you both compromised your inclinations.

You find your wife attractive and remain sexually active with her.

Still, you’d like to use women’s clothing occasionally to enhance your sexual experience. You seem comfortable with that; yet, your partner is not.

I've had sex with my wife as Davina a few times.. she's needed a drink before hand and claims to not remember what has been some of the best sex we've had.. next day she won't discuss it and isn't comfortabe with us having sex with me crossdressed.. her words "I'm not a lesbian".. my reply no you're not as i'm your husband under the makeup and lingerie etc.. If she'd get over that she may enjoy it more and not need a drink to take Davina to bed..

Communication is critical if the connection is to survive. You must reassure your wife that you find her sexually attractive, with or without cross-dressing.

I hope my wife knows i still find her sexually attractive.. even though she will not wear sexy lingerie or stockings which baffles me .. why would a woman not wear something sexy like that knowing her hubby is extra turned on by it.. even to tease stating or flashing what shes got on underneath.

Would she be open to a negotiation of the rules if the boundaries are clear? What compromises can you make? Can you be more assertive about your desire to be submissive?

This is all easy to type by this Dr but it's not easy to bring some chats up in the first place and wifes perogative to dismiss this conversation when brought up and nip it in the bud.. frustrating as that is for us.

Some women enjoy a dominant role in sexual play. Would she agree to role-play a more dominant position? Would she be more willing to accept it if it is clearly defined as a role-play?

I'd let my wife take on this role sometimes.

You must reassure your wife that cross-dressing is only a preference, not obligatory, and that she has a choice to opt-out at any time. If she opts-out, you must accept it.

As long as she doesnt expect it to stop, knowing you do it but not being part of it is ok a form of approval a rule set ok you crossdress but i want nothing to do with it is again a wifes perogative but wives be under no illusion that the crossdressing can stop.. it's a part of us an more than likely a very positive side to our psyke and mental weelbeing.. pointless questioning why.. it just is.

Some couples who engage in this role play expand it to include "pegging" where a woman performs anal sex on a man by penetrating him with a strap-on dildo.

We've seen KimmyCox on here post a thread on this. Lots of shy responses to it.

While some men and women enjoy it, not everyone is comfortable with it.

You might also ask her if she would agree to your participation in this fantasy outside of your relationship. Any agreement must include a commitment to safe sex and honesty with her.

I don't think many wives would agree to their tgirl hubby being pegged by another woman or trying the real thing. And also a point to raise here if a man does enjoy his wife pegging him... it's his wife on the end of that strap-on and it doesnt mean your hubby wants to be penetrated by the real thing. ie gay sex.

From a spouse’s perspective

Ahhh this must now be letter number 2?

Cross-dressing generally is a brief, private activity, but in some cases, it becomes a person’s only source of arousal.

Here the Dr goes again straight to arousal.. see above it's part of the overall reason maybe but not the reason we dress.. we dont do it merely to get aroused.

Many people with fetishes must have the object of their attraction at hand or fantasize about it to become sexually aroused, get an erection, and have an orgasm.

This is another thing altoggether. Quite shocking behaviour really especially as this guys wife knows .. we all take photos and we all like admiring comments telling us we look nice but hes gone a whole level or 5 further and is most definately not straight. I suppose it's worth covering this here as some here will be bisexual or whatever sexuality the above describes so lets see what the Dr says.

My response to her

I am so sorry for your pain. First, you must focus on taking care of yourself and your children.

You must immediately get tested for HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases.

Men who have casual, anonymous sex are frequently a bridge for stds and transmitting them.

Since he is using dildos, you must assume that he has receptive anal intercourse with others, and that substantially increases your risks.

If you continue to have sex with him, insist upon the use of condoms, and speak with your doctor about your taking medications (PrEP) to prevent transmission of HIV.

Wait a minute she's still having sex with him knowing he's going with other men and risking catching some std and this dr is telling her to crack on but use protection and medication. missing the point here.. her hubby is having sex with men behind her back which she's found snooping on his computer? surely theres a big elephant in the room.

His preoccupation with cross-dressing may have undermined your self-confidence as a woman. Not being able to satisfy his desires does not mean you are not enough to fulfill the passions of someone else. You deserve to be loved and respected.

Don’t allow your husband to blame you. It is not your fault. His wish to cross-dress isn’t his fault either, but he is responsible for the ways he is mistreating you. You have no reason to feel guilt or shame, but you do have a lot of reasons to feel angry.

You wrote, “I’ve tried everything I can to satisfy him,” so, I wonder how much you feel compelled against your will to participate in his fetish.

Hell of a woman knowing hes playing about with men whilst crossdressed to still want to satisfy him sexually.

People label his behaviors as sick, deviant, and perverted; possibly, you do, too. Perhaps some of your shame is because you think that you’ve done more than your conscience allows.

You did what you did to save your marriage. Once, you may have dismissed his desires and thought that if he has a stable sexual partner, you could fix it. You feel angry and betrayed now that you found you cannot.

Let the past go; don’t second guess your decisions.

You have no perfect choice. I’m sure you have thought of most of them. Your choices are 1. Fix it, 2. Put up with it, or 3. Get out.

Fixing it hasn’t worked so that we can eliminate the first choice.

Seems trying to fix it or accepting it has given him a green light although do we know if he knows she knows?

Treatment that tries to eliminate cross-dressing is almost always unsuccessful, and his behavior has become compulsive.

So, what about no 2put up with it?

Can you accept that you will never be able to satisfy him completely through no fault of your own? Can you trust him if he acts on these desires with others? Do you trust him to be honest with you?

Would a wife accept or turn a blind eye to their hubby or BF getting his kicks and kinks elsewhere for the happiness of the marriage?

Is it possible to establish any boundaries around his behavior that would be acceptable to you? If he will not allow any restrictions, is that enough for you?

It is a pointless exercise to decide if he’s gay, straight, bisexual or some other of the many labels. Heterosexual men can have fetishes related to women’s clothing.

Get out! will almost always be the default response if you talk with others. Perhaps that is one reason you don’t want to talk with them.

This is the easiest and also the hardest i expect.. disgusted with what hes doing but still love him, have to start again and become divorced and single then what? split the house? move back in with parents, turn the kids lives upside down.. if it's just crossdressing i think this sort of upheaval is mental set boundaries on the crossdressing dont get divorced over it but this guys shagging about with men behind her back whilst dressed and i've heard plenty of arguments why some men do this usually a sexless marriage but in this case shes trying to satisfy him so that's not the case its more a case of the thrill hes getting dressed as a woman having sex with men,

I cannot advise you on a decision to leave the marriage, but I am doubtful his behavior will change unless you give him that ultimatum, and you mean it. Divorce is a personal choice for you to make based on your values. You must decide what is in your best interests and the interests of your children.

You are not alone. Many, many others have gone through it. You may find someone to talk anonymously.

Never let go of hope; focus on yourself and your children. Let your husband find his answers. The dreams you both had were shattered, but you will recover.

I can’t tell you how this new situation will resolve for you, but I can tell you that it will.

Finding a therapist for yourself would be a good idea, but you should take care to choose the right one.

Recommendations

Cross-dressing is not abnormal.

Agreed as i know i'm not abnormal

Many crossdressers are happily married to people who accept their behaviors

But some feel guilty and uncomfortable for their behavior and may seek treatment. The best treatment method involves approaching the patient’s cross-dressing behavior without judgment and encouraging them to embrace that part of themselves.

Acceptance of yourself as a crossdresser is one matter but having others accept it is quite another.

Sex with a regular partner inevitably means compromise. The question is: How much and how often is the partner willing to accept and join?

But if it becomes a person’s only means of sexual arousal or if the partner is being coerced into participation, then it becomes especially problematic.

I probably do get more aroused as Davina if i know my wifes taking me to bed as it doesnt happen often and it feels kinky and not our usual bedtme thing. but id not say i need to be Davina every time and she certainly wouldnt want that although i'd love her to whisper in my ear "I want Davina tonight",

The partner must always have as much right to opt-out as the crossdresser has to practice their fetishistic behavior.

A therapist may be necessary to help a person accept their unusual desire or to help a couple negotiate the social compromises that it demands.

It can be difficult to find a therapist who has some training and experience with sexual counseling. Unfortunately, some therapists and counselors are not very helpful in these situations. Ask a prospective therapist about their level of experience with helping others work through these conflicts and their methods of doing so.

Cross-dressing is a broad category, and the line between gender expression and means of arousal is often blurred.

Perhaps one-day cross-dressing will be accepted simply as a different way of expressing oneself, but we’re a long way from that.

For a couple to successfully enjoy a cross-dressing fantasy — with dominance and submission a part of that fantasy — mutual consent is essential, although non-consent is a part of the fantasy.

OK so two stories here one of crossdressing and acceptance and the other will be most wives nightmares a husband crossdressing and finding his sexual needs crossdressed with men.. definately one of my wifes nightmare scenarios.

Lucky for her men do nothing for me and it's her Davina wants in bed.

Leave your comments and share your thoughts on these two agony aunt scenarios.

Davina