First thing I should say is that it takes balls to go and get counselling. Even in todays world there is still a stigma about mental health and admitting to yourself that you have a problem and need help is a massive step forward. The typical male response is that you'll get over it, bottle it up, the old 'stiff upper lip' approach. Well it doesn't work. If you don't face up to it and take action then it will just continue to fester and get worse.

I was suffering from a bit of stress, depression, anxiety and low mood and wanted to try and do something about it. I went to the doctor who referred me to the NHS wellbeing people. I did attend a group session on managing stress but never felt that it got to the root of the problem - also not easy to discuss crossdressing in front of a group of strangers.

Not that my crossdressing was a problem, it was just that with other stuff stacked on top that pushed me over the edge.

Anyway I told my counsellor on my second visit that I crossdressed. As a professional she took it all in in her stride and we were able to discuss it in a number of the following sessions.

It has helped me to start to come to terms with my crossdressing. I think that in line with most of the 'Davina' type crossdressers we start dressing at a young age. Speculating on why we start is probably pointless and so we must accept that it is something we need / want to do. As we've discussed previously it does have many positive effects on us but it can also create negative feelings.

I think one thing I learnt is the we are plagued by the feeling of shame. We're learn from a young age that it is not OK for boys to want to dress as girls. Cowboys, Knights, even Batman but not a Princess! So we hide it and that bring an intense feeling of shame. I know sometimes we say we are guilty but that is not the right word. You feel guilty when you have done something wrong (we know crossdressing is not wrong) but shame when you are something wrong. We are made to feel 'wrong' and so the shame grows.

Admitting to anyone that we crossdress makes us extremely vulnerable. We cannot control how the other person may react. To actually face up to it and explain to the one you love that you are a crossdresser takes an immense amount of courage. You lose total control and how the other person reacts can have a hugh impact on your relationship going forward. I know quite often the wives reaction is one of being deceived. Lied to, led on etc. It can affect her whole opinion of you. If you are rejected on top of the whole shame thing the consequences can be dire. Imagine pouring your heart out to someone, trusting them implicitly with your deepest secret only to have it thrown back in your face. Told you are a pervert or worse.

We've held this secret for so many year, this shame that society thrusts upon us because we want to dress up. To feel close to the gender we most admirer, to want to share that feeling and experience. To be a close as possible.

But being a crossdresser is part of my personality. It makes me who I am. It is an extra dimension. It allows me to be the person I am. Without the 'release' valve I couldn't be the other me. The dependable rock. That's why it hurts when we are not understood. If a wife says she loves you she cannot unless she accepts all of you. Can you love a bit of someone? It is devastating to have a part of you rejected as not good enough, weird, perverted. Something to be hidden and ashamed of.

But my counsellor wants me to accept this as part of who I am. It does not define me, I'm not the crossdresser down the road. I'm me. Someone who likes to express different parts of their personality in different way. If I wanted to dress up as knight and re-enact battles at weekends nobody bats an eyelid. People even pay to come and watch. But say at the weekends I like to slip on a dress and heels and suddenly I some sort of weirdo!

I think the point I'm trying to make is that my counselling has helped me to learn to deal with the shame. I do not need to feel shame for being who I am. I should be proud that it enables me to be the person I am. I feel a lot better about myself now. I don't think any of us really gets the chance to explore who we really are in an environment where the person you are talking to is non-judgemental. It really helps to have the support of a professional who can help you o discover things about yourself that you never realised. We all lead busy lives without really taking the chance to sit back and think. Having the counselling allowed me to take this time and I think everyone could benefit even if it is just to get stuff off your chest.

Sorry to waffle on. I haven't really done it justice. Just touching the surface but hopefully gives you an idea but happy to answer questions and will add more later.

Katie x