I was asked recently how I came to understand I was a crossdresser. I was asked if crossdressing was “who I was” or “what I do”? I was actually intrigued by the prospect of investigating if there were additional layers of the onion to peel back. My initial answer was to say that crossdressing is an inherent part of me and it is who I am! But upon closer inspection, I could see that that the question was a wonderful exercise to think through.
I do believe, still, that crossdressing is who I am. I came to it, not as a fetish, but as a pre-adolescent who had a fascination for my mother’s undergarments. Eventually, I worked up the courage to peek into my mother’s dresser drawers and handle the slips, girdles and other undergarments that lay within. I went into her closet and tried on her too-big black pumps. And so started my development and journey that led me to be Savannah, the spirit I am today.
But, that doesn’t mean that the opposite doesn’t ring true, as well. Did I continue to pursue a life of feminine crossdressing because each episode compounded on top of the previous episode? Is the fact that I successfully “do” crossdress support the idea that I think I “am” a crossdresser? Does one simply reinforce the other? If I was chastised for the act of crossdressing early on, would I have steered away to other – more masculine – pursuits? My thought is that I would probably be just a more secretive about who I was.
For me, crossdressing isn’t something I can “take or leave”. It is an engrained expression that would fester under the surface if I did not have a positive and safe outlet to express it. Some may dress simply to enhance their sexual experiences, getting a thrill out of the act. I enjoy the feminine artistry of it – the make-up, clothing, mannerisms, and demeanor of the feminine side.
I believe you have to become comfortable with who you are. And the only way to become comfortable is to walk a mile in those heels, put a run into a never-worn pair of pantyhose, and agonize over how acceptable an outfit or makeup is. You have to “do” something in order to “become” it. Practice and perseverance are demanded in order to rightly represent the person one is.
So? is crossdressing someone I “am” or something I “do”? In my case, I “do” it in order to better “be” it!
Think you go hit by predictive text Em Run for Holland lol the Netherlands a safe place hehe.
Good post tho.
Davina
Off ira not you’re husband or boyfriend you have one of two thoughts let’s be supportiveness of a girlfriend and say it’s ok don’t worry Jean the Mann you married but he dresses up here’s a good blog why do men crossdress.
Or you can’t say oh my god run for the Holland he’s a pervert.
So hard to accept your husband would dress up as a woman but talk to him find out why Andy there’s all these parts and reasons which make up the whole answer.
It’s part of them alright and something they do for many reasons Andy nevertheless forget it’s harmless and better being involved gauging it than pushing him away as that leads to resentment Andrew maybe infidelity.
Why should you go with the flow? Marriage vows? Love? See it for what it is and try to understand it and set levels of acceptance.
Look to have fun with it not worry about it.
And yeah if hea pretty convincingly it is a competition make sure you’re the better looking horn one as you’re the real woman he’s just some part time tgirl lol
Em (RG Wife)
Xxxx
That's very true and I'm sure that Sindy would be the first to agree with you. The NIMBY approach. Sindy has struggled with her being intolerant of her husbands crossdressing but OK with others. I think that that maybe typical of many wives and partners.
However, the trans woman in the article had been picked on by complete strangers which is really sad. Those are the people who somehow think it's OK to be abusive and aggressive towards somebody they neither know or understand.
Katie
Actually, Katie I believe that people can be more objective when they are not required to “live it” on a daily basis. As long as it’s a nephew or friend that doesn’t impact their life, people can be more accepting or tolerant. As soon as it comes into a person’s life on a daily, continual basis where it impacts on a more visceral level, then tolerance and acceptance may be more strained for the same person.
I think that the majority of people just don't care either way and can be matter of fact about it. BUT there will always be a minority who will make life intolerable for anyone who doesn't meet their standard of normal.
The 'great protectors of society' in their own minds. I can never understand why they feel they are qualified to be so nasty.
https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/oct/12/british-transgender-woman-given-residency-in-safer-new-zealand
Katie
I'm sure there must be something in our basic make up that pushes us to enjoy mashed potatoes more than baked. I wonder if they'll ever figure that out, and whether they even should. We'll be heading down the Josef Mengele road before we know it! Sure, some likes are more understandable than others and I'm sure people are less perplexed about chocolate lovers than crossdressers. But perhaps you're right and that's just a social conditioning issue and time will change it.
Or not. This part I really have no idea on as I know, and y'all know, my response has been far less accepting than I expected of myself.
What is weird how you can never pick those who accept or understand over others. I have a conservative friend who always makes jokes about 'trannies' and 'gays' or whatever. I always assumed she was quite bigoted and wouldn't even bother figuring out or accepting difference. And then another friend was discussing her 12 year nephew who had a thing for women's necklaces and shoes and of course, I held my tongue and nodded politely so as not to give anything away, while this woman suggested her nephew must be gay. And then my conservative shrugged and said 'no, he probably just likes pretty things.' She was very matter of fact about it all and the conversation moved on. I was really surprised at how easy she accepted a boy who likes girl things.
People sure are intriguing. :-)
Feeling feminine and sensual is an escape from male life and if dressing up as a woman helps us express this polar opposite to male us and it helps us somehow unwind and find enjoyment in the transformation and being crossdressed for a period of time why do we over analyse it?
Because people frown on it of course so we over analyse it thinking of every angle nook and crannie why we crossdress and we don't come up empty handed as we find reasons why which we've discussed in this forum many times.
I don't feel one iota that I have some form of gender dysphoria condition that is ingrained in me as I would feel that means I have some form of gender identity crisis which as an occasional crossdresser is not on the same place on the trans spectrum as people who have a real gender dysphoria condition.
I like boiled, roasted, mashed and jacket potatoes go figure.
The hand-wringing and analysing does complicate the issue but its all done mainly to satisfy our own minds and those of loved ones we've come out to as crossdressers and must as Sindy points out result in much angst and hand-wringing of our wives and gfs.
I don't think I've ever given my wife the textbook 'community' spiel about having a feminine side and balancing that by dressing and being a nicer guy for it as I dispute having a feminine side I'm a man who likes to crossdress apart from when I'm crossdressed im not feminine at all 99% of the time.
However maybe I am more feminine minded than I give credit for and more feminine minded than most other men being a crossdresser or maybe i'm just a modern man but as i've said before my wife does say i'm nicer when dressed.
All along it really does come down to just being something we like doing.
It is sad that society perceives crossdressing as something a little sinister for something which is so simple.
Davina
Oh we can be 'dramatic' and 'authentic' but we do speak the truth as we have nothing to gain or advise by not telling it as it is or how we think it is we do also waffle on a lot but usually for a point of clarification.
This isn't a DADT relationship here .... Whatever as DADT relationship is lol
Incidentally I do have such a lovely perfect girly bum in lacy black knickers and the best and most sexy legs in the world in black hold ups and high heels
Lol
Davina
I guess the thing to understand is why certain people like certain things. What is it in ther make up that make one child like mashed potato but not the other. There are probably more women who hate wearing dresses than there are men that love wearing them but they still both exist.
As the saying goes 'a little of what you fancy does you good' which may account for the theraputic benefits of crossdressing for us men who take part. As long as it's controlled then it's no harm. It may be annoying but so is having to cook two different types of potato! You put up with it because you love them and why spoil it for everone else who enjoys mashed potato.
If we all liked the same things, acted the same way then life would be boring. Lets celebrate those little differences that make us US.
Katie
I think you're spot on there, Katie. All this hand-wringing and analysing really seems to complicate the issue. It has sure done that to me and I don't even crossdress!
I remember in the early days, when I'd ask my husband questions, he would give me the textbook 'community' spiel about having a feminine side and balancing that by dressing and being a nicer guy for it, yadda yadda. A few years later and I finally got fed up with this spiel and pulled him up on it. Thing is, I never once experienced what he told me. He really wasn't more feminine minded than other men and certainly not nicer when dressed. He was actually quite self absorbed and sort of annoying lol. It's not like he'd put on a mini skirt and heels and pop off to the local elderly home to nurture some poor sick person (total cliche there, but you get my point). No, he'd stare at himself in the mirror for hours and take a billion photos. If anyone else had been around I'm sure he'd have wanted them to stand there and admire him, not be nurtured in kindness. It was all about him, which is basically the opposite of feminine.
Anyway, he finally admitted that he just said all that stuff because it made it sound more acceptable, when really he just likes it because it's fun and turns him on. That's it. Nothing more heavy than that.
And that's when I realised how crazy it is that men everywhere are looking for birth defects or hormone washes or genetic links to explain themselves, when as Katie said, all along it's just something they like. Like mashed potatoes or ice cream!
Which makes Savannah's second comment make a lot of sense too, because of course we reinforce the behaviors we like. We eat chocolate because it tastes good and because it tastes good we keep on eating it for the rest of our lives. But we must find a balance to our chocolate eating or we'll get sick and fat and it will consume our lives for the worse. Crossdressing really is no different.
Maybe one day society won't be so scathing of people and their unique personal tastes. The culture is certainly becoming more kink friendly. As long as crossdressers stop complicating things and tangling themselves up in all the heavy transgender/transsexual issues, your time will come. Of course if you're transgender then that's another story. But male identified crossdressers are renowned for complicating the issue and believe me, it makes things worse for wives as most men don't feel a need to explain their obsession with sport, so lengthy explanations about crossdressing can make it seem a little sinister.
There was one guy I chatted to a few years back who told me, when I asked him why he thought he dressed, 'I like it. It is what it is.' His wife never had an issue with it. I'm sure his laid back, uncomplicated attitude was the reason why.
I wonder sometimes if we don't over analyse it. Every human being seems to have likes and dislikes. I have twin boys. One likes mashed potato and the other doesn't. They've both had the same upbringing, both given the same foods as babies, one has never had a traumatic experience with mashed potato yet one likes it and one doesn't. Can't we just accept that some people just like certain things without needing to question it. I like pretty feminine womens clothes. I don't know why. I don't like bland, masculine womens clothes. There are women who like pretty feminine clothes and some that like bland masculine clothes. The only reason our choice gets questioned is because of the gender taboos that exist.
Katie
It is almost a “chicken and egg” concept... do we continue to dress because we are validated and receive positive reinforcement... because we like to feel feminine and sensual? Or do we dress as a result of trying to satisfy a gender dysphoria condition that is ingrained in us?
Hi Savannah
I entirey agree with your sentiments.
I do think is is part of me and not something I chose to be. Some people maybe able to supress the desire but I'm not sure that that is entirely healthy. It's been a bit of a journey of discovery and I'm more comfortable with myself than I've ever been. I just think the final hurdle is to be my 'normal' sef with my wife. I still feel the element of shame and all I want to be is open and honest.
Katie
I'm pretty sure we say it as it is here. You ask the questions and we answer with honesty and feeling.
No favoruite panties posts on here.
I did once see someone talking about the site saying there were 'pretty heavy' discussions going on. If we're ever going to help people understand then we need to be heavy and not frilly around the edges!
Katie
Savannah, thanks for these thoughtful posts. I can tell you literally dig hard to find the truth to your answers. Because of that, I always believe what you're saying, which is refreshing as I have noticed many in the 'crossdressing community' prefer to say what makes them the most 'dramatic' or 'authentic' rather than just speaking their truth. That's why I like Davina's site - the men don't waffle on about their perfect girly butts in panties or other inanely competitive topics. Or maybe they do in private and we have one of those DADT relationships here. I'm good with that lol.
Is crossdressing who Iam or what I do?
Well I am a crossdresser and crossdressing is what I sometimes do when I get the urge but 99% of the time Im an alpha male
Crossdressing is an inherent part of me and a part of me I enjoy every now and then but always happy to return to male me once I get my fix of being Davina.
I also came to crossdressing not as a fetish, but as a pre-adolescent with a fascination for womens lingerie and for women and like most of us had the peek into my mothers dresser drawers handling silky and lacey the slips, bodies, knickers, stockings and tights progressing to high heels and matching lingerie then dresses starting my journey to what I am today as an occasional crossdresser but all or nothing makeup wig fully dressed or not at all as this is what I enjoy when the urge comes if opportunity presents itself.
Would I dress more often than I do yes probably as opportunity is sparse but its not something id do more than twice per month at most..
My crossdressing has always been a secret my only secret and even from the age of 6-10 I kept it secret upto mid 20s when I told my wife about it.
Im the same ie for me, crossdressing also isnt something I can take or leave but sometimes forced to leave due to opportunity to crossdress. It is an engrained expression that does sometimes fester under the surface when stress hits me hard if there is no opportunity to crossdress and unwind.
I do or can feel quite turned on when dressed but I also feel some element of feminine artistry of it mainly in trying to look feminine more than acting feminine but alone I may adopt more feminine mannerisms and demeanor which would either make my wife laugh at me or freak her out lol.
I am very comfortable with who I am,
Im also proud of who I am someone who is honest, hard working, loving, compassionate, competitive, and rounded in my attitude towards life and how people should treat one another. As I get older I find im more accepting of differences.
Crossdressing is both part of who I am and what I do.. when I get the time to do it lol
An important unimportant part of me
Davina