It worked!!!

I'm doing cut and paste as you suggested, Davina. Hope it works as I can't seem to type more than one sentence into the actual site without it freezing up!! Nothing like having your computer freeze permanently on a crossdressing website haha.

And I would say I flip back and forth too. If I were only fixed mindset about crossdressing I'd have left my marriage years ago. I wonder if it's even possible to stay married if you don't at least flip back and forth? I definitely have phases where it doesn't really bother me. I still don't want involvement etc, but I don't really care either way. Oddly, I'm in that phase at the moment. Hubs and I had a very frank conversation the other week and he reiterated a couple of things that made me go 'Oh, okay. So no big deal then.' I guess I'd been coming up with things, you know, assuming he's doing what all the others online seems to do and mentally progressing into Caitlin Jenner or off stalking other men, and one day, when we're old, he'll decide to live like Mrs Doubtfire or something.

It really is important to chat about these things, isn't it, or we fill in the blanks ourselves lol.

I'll always be a bit fixed in the reality that I don't like crossdressing and will always prefer he didn't do it. But I don't always see it as this huge character flaw, and I don't blame him for it anymore, as chatting here has made me realise it's very much a lottery hit and no one chooses this. It just is. I know I'm likely to hate it again in a day/week/month, but I do have times when I don't worry about it - usually after we've had a 'touch base' conversation, if that makes sense.

I'm going to paste this in now. Fingers crossed it works as this means I might get to participate more again!! I've missed our conversations.

I echo Argh this site is sadly so clunky and it cant be all our internets its just very clunky so I’ve taken to typing what I want to post elsewhere then copying and pasting into here – I will send a complaint to the WIX people who provide this service (albeit free) to ask why its so clunky when typing your thoughts appear 10 mins later .. grrrrr

Ketie paints a good picture in her comments

as even though the book doesn’t mention crossdressing specifics you can look at it as something unusual ie a character flaw – although we’d argue we’re just normal blokes who just happen to be crossdressers and it’s not our fault society can’t cope with that.. lol

I think however it does charactierise some people on the forum

'When people with a fixed mindset talk about their conflicts, they assign blame. Sometimes they blame themselves, but often they blame their partner. And they assign blame to a trait - a character flaw “Crossdressing”.

But it doesn't end there. When people blame their partner's personality for the problem, they feel anger and disgust towards them. And it barrels on: Since the problem comes from fixed traits, it can't be solved (other than Crossdressing stopping which we know is hard to do as it’s something we enjoy and to some a coping mechanism for stress release).

So once people with the fixed mindset see flaws in their partners, they become contemptuous of them and dissatisfied with the whole relationship.

Soz Sindy but you seem to fall into this where as

People with the growth mindset, on the other hand, can see their partners' imperfections and will still think they have a fine relationship.

Rebecca and Emma have moved here although initially freaked out were in the fixed mindset at first but good communication it seems got them to the growth mindset.

I would say my wife flips between the two and must be conscious she is doing it but sometimes says she doesnt realise she’s been dismissive of me talking about crossdressing.

She was definitely fixed about it for many years until she realised I wasnt running off with a man and I didnt want to become a woman etc its just something I do, something I find fun and relaxing and she got into the growth mindset slowly over time but still flits back and forth a bit and maybe Emma and Rebecca do too?

Sindy

She doesn't mention crossdressing specifically but she does say in one section 'When people with a fixed mindset talk about their conflicts, they assign blame. Sometimes they blame themselves, but often they blame their partner. And they assign blame to a trait - a character flaw. But it doesn't end there. When people blame their partner's personality for the problem, they feel anger and disgust towards them. And it barrels on: Since the problem comes from fixed traits, it can't be solved. So once people with the fixed mindset see flaws in their partners, they become contemptuous of them and dissatisfied with the whole relationship. (People with the growth mindset, on the other hand, can see their partners' imperfections and will still think they have a fine relationship.)

She does say it's very hard to stay in a growth mindset and she flips between the two but is conscious she is doing it. It takes practice.

Katie

Argh this site is sadly so clunky at my end that i hardly get on anymore. Think its our internet. :-(

And Ill have to get this book. I'm def guilty of fixed mindset. I sort of think there likely is someone more suited for me out there though, but doesnt mean I'll give up on what I have. Still, crossdressing might be bigger than the author envisioned? Surely innate personality issues such as crossdressing are less about mindset and more about overall compatibility? Not everyone is compatible - there are women who are attracted to crossdressers and women, like me, who aren't. Can't really fix that so my husband's mindset needs a slap for overlooking this rather important fact. Lol

Guess Ill have to read it to find out how it all works.

The book is really about developing a growth mindset as opposed to a fixed mindset. A growth mindset is really a 'can do' mindset. If you put your mind to it and work hard it is achievable. A person with a fixed mindset will believe that everything is already predefined.

If you take football talent. If you believe that your talent is sufficient then you won't succeed. All the top players work hard and practice. There are plenty who fall by the wayside who had the talent but wasted it. Equally if you're willing to put in the hard work and effort then yo'll probably achieve more. Robbie Savage made up for his lack of talent with hard work and dedication!

When she talks about relationships she say that people with a fixed mindset will find it difficult to deal with flaws 'If you have to work at it, It wasn't meant to be'. A person with a fixed mindset will assume 'that somewhere out there was someone who was already perfect'. In reality choosing a partner is choosing a set of problems. There are no problem free candidates. The trick is acknowledging each others's limitations and build from there.

In a relationship the growth mindset lets you rise above blame, understand the problem and try to fix it - together.

That is why I thought it was relevant to crossdressing. We have a relationship that needs to be worked at to overcome the problems. It's no good blaming each other. Blame may make you feel more righteous, powerful and whole but it doesn't solve the problem or build the relationship.

The book covers education, sport, business and relationships. It really gave me a different perspective on how I approach things. My kids are praised for the effort they make. Everyday they go to school with a 'work hard' as they go out the door. If they work hard then they can achieve. Their school give grades on effort and achievement. I'm alway praise the marks for effort.

https://www.ted.com/talks/carol_dweck_the_power_of_believing_that_you_can_improve#t-165719

Can you give us a bit more info on the book.. my mindset is forever changing happy when my sport teams win, when I'm with my family.. not so happy in work and when work gets stressful and when i worry about finances etc but no real mindset or points I can see that drive my mindset to want to crossdress but there are many triggers such as stress, just the pure urge to want to dress up (which i have now but too hot), seeing a well made up woman or celeb, or just feeling like dressing and unwinding but can be in any mindset can be when stressed as stated or when content but comes in urges and goes when i've had time to dress inevitably to return at some point sometimes when i dont have opportunity to dress which then becomes frustrating or sometimes i will dress as I have the opportunity but not the urge and it's less fulfilling and usually less time as "Davina"

I really have the urge to go bath, shave and dress today but too much work to do and waaaay to hot