By: Katie

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Katie's questions

My wife found out just over 3 years ago. We've been married now for over 23 years so it was a bit of a shock for her at the time. She did remain calm and said that it would make her want to leave me.

After that initial talk and a few tears (mainly form me) she's never asked or wanted to talk about it since. She said she knows she should be more tolerant but doesn't understand it. She just says it's something I need to do which is fine.

I once asked her what she'd do if she came home and found me dressed. She said she'd probably laugh - not to be nasty but just out of shock.

I think you're right about the big forums. I was a member of one for a couple of years but just found it got very repetitive and sometimes the advice been handed out just wasn't right. There seemed to be a lot of pressure to get out there and flaunt it - something I've not wanted to do. The best advice was always from the GGs as they'd often give it to you straight.

I used to think that maybe being a crossdresser meant my 'feminine' traits were enhanced. But I still see those same traits in non-crossdressers (at least to my knowledge) so I can't really claim being a CD makes me a better person. I'm the person I am and it is only society that labels them feminine or masculine personality traits which really only confuses the matter.

By: Sindy

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Katie's questions

My autocorrect keeps wanting to call me Windy lol.

Anyway, it sounds like your wife is coping the only way she can. She knows you're a crossdresser (I'm not sure how long she's known?) and this information is perhaps too much to cope with right now. Though, she's not run screaming away so she's perhaps coping better than realized.

However, and this is only from my experience but I don't think it's uncommon, this is how I initially dealt with things and we eventually blew up into world war three. It was pretty intense, and I almost left. Not good. I think what happened was I only ever heard his side of things, and his explanations, and none of it sat well with me. I think husbands tend to play down some of the sexual aspects of the dressing etc, and perhaps even say things to try and make it not sound so bad.

Example - 'it's an expression of my feminine side.' Or, 'it makes me more sensitive to women'. Omg, these made me crazy!

My husband had probably gone to one of the big crossdressing forums for advice, which are full of propaganda in between the posts about how girly they're all feeling, and been told that you should say these things. But I'm not an idiot and I could SEE how turned on and excited it made my husband. He was not tapping into anything feminine that I could see - I kept waiting for him to become more compassionate and perhaps go help out some elderly people or babies or something haha. Instead, I could clearly see that he was more an erotic/comfort dresser so the more he played this down and said this 'feminine side' crap, the madder I got.

Anyway, we worked it out, but not before we'd all but killed each other during a month of warfare. Very tough. It really took me making a decision to know more, and seek it away from the source as clearly my husband had trouble talking candidly. The internet is brilliant at information - and other wives were my lifesaver! We did finally talk candidly, and it made me realize how important it is to know the truth, and not just some sanitised version.

Maybe your wife will need to know more one day, after processing the initial shock. Or maybe the only way she can remain married to a crossdreser is by denial? Plenty of wives do this as well. I'd expect tension eventually though, as you won't always be perfect at hiding it and all it might take is a bit of stray eyeliner to set things off. Be prepared for this, and have a plan what to say. The truth. That's what I'd say. In fact, show her what you've written here as it's sensible, sane, and there are other wives here who think you're one of the good ones. :)

By Katie

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Katie's questions

Thanks Sindy.

I don't have any problem in not revealing Katie and I'll let her take things at her own pace. What I do find difficult is that I still feel that I am deceiving her in someway every time I dress. I know that she doesn't want anything to do with the dressing which I respect it's just the feeling I can't get over.

We recently had some building work done. For 4 months we pretty well shared the house with the builders. I couldn't dress in that time which was really frustrating. It was a combination of things but I was really getting worried I was getting depressed. My mood wasn't good towards the end.

I wrote her a letter about all the problems and included my dressing. She commented on the other parts of the letter but said nothing about the dressing. Her way of coping at the moment seems to be ignoring it.

She did, however, take the kids out for a few hours knowing the house would be empty and I'd get the opportunity to dress. I don't know if this was coincidence or not but it helped.

I want to be able to talk more openly with her about it but don't want to rush things. I think she has to be in control and at the end of the day I still get the opportunity to dress.

I know she read an article of the BBC website about a woman married to a crossdresser. She never mentioned it but maybe it's her way of finding out a little more. As far as I know she never been on any forums or done any other research.

The difficulty is I don't really know what sort of acceptance I want. What I have is fine maybe it's just being able to talk about it more openly but then again she says she's asked everything she wants to know so doesn't see any point talking further. I just feel maybe she needs a bit more of an explanation but then again I don't know why I do it so how can I explain anymore to her.

She's not about to leave, we have a great life with great kids and to throw it all away would be stupid.

I guess I'm always looking for answers but the only person to give them her.

By: Sindy

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Katie's questions

And my kids are so gorgeous, and my husband really is an awesome guy, that yes I can feel robbed at times...but I'd marry him all over again anyway. It's worth it.

By: Sindy

Subject: Re: Re: Katie's questions

Your wife doesn't want to see you dressed? I agree, I'm sure she has formed some mental image in her head as to what you look like, but trust me when I say this image is less confronting than the real deal. And I don't mean she's thinking good things about how you look as I'm sure she's not. But until she's mentally ready, the imaginary vision she has of you is almost therapeutic and keeping her sane. I can't explain it, but yes this vision makes us angry and sad, but WE have control of it. Once you take that control away by revealing your actual 'femme' self, before she's ready, she can feel very scared and threatened. I can't explain it properly, I just know I've lived it so I have an inkling to how she's feeling. Don't dress for her unless she asks. And she may never. That's life, and part of the bummer of marrying someone who didn't know about it.

Anyway, you honestly sound like a smart, communicative, considerate husband and had I had even half the communication with my husband that you are able to give here, my marriage would have been happier a lot sooner. You're going to be okay, Katie. I think your wife will come around.

And keep the questions coming. It's therapeutic. I'm enjoying reading Emma's answers, too. So nice to know there's another wife here. Hi Emma! :)

By: Katie

Subject: Re: Katie's questions

Hi Sindy

Some great replies and food for thought.

It is difficult if a child is different. My nephew is gay and he knew from an early age. It was difficult for him at school because he was bullied and it wasn’t until he admitted to it and stood up to them that it actually stopped. My sister has always given him her full support and unconditional love. It is important for a child to feel safe and secure at home and be accepted for whoever they are.

My sister has probably felt sad for him because of the difficulties he has had and even in our modern society there are still dangers out their for gay men.

I get your comment about ‘hitting on the wrong sex’. As I said before I think that this is part of the taboo about crossdressing. Straight people don’t like their sexuality called into question and finding a man dressed as a woman attractive just causes all sorts of confusion.

It seems to me that your big issue is the ‘costume’ part of the dressing. You can accept the clothes it’s just the boobs and wigs that push it over the line.

The simple answer is really that boobs and long hair in the minds of most crossdressers signify womanhood. If we are trying to emulate women then the closer we get the better. It’s getting as far away from the ‘stag in dress’ image as possible. I don’t want to dress to insult women but to compliment women.

Quite often the only difference between a male item of clothing and a female item is the cut. You need a waist and boobs to carry it off. I have a white cotton shirt in both male and female modes but they are not interchangeable.

Long hair is always a signal for femininity. How often do you hear the comment ‘is that a man or a woman’ said about longhaired men. I have a wig, which I don’t wear it all the time, but when I do it make me feel more feminine. I also have some false boobs to enhance what I don’t have.

Women have a number of ‘tricks’ to enhance their bodies and make them more attractive to men. I use those same ‘tricks’ to make myself more in line with the way I want to look for the period I’m dressed. The wig, boobs, make up and shape wear are all from women’s shops and not any specialist sites so in my mind I’m not doing anything a genetic woman wouldn’t do.

We all wear ‘costumes’ to a degree to fit in with the crowd we’re with. Whether that is a medieval knight, a furry animal, comicon , fancy dress or just a black tie do. People like to dress up, as it’s fun and a form of escapism.

My wife has never seen me dressed. I guess I’m trying to avoid her having this lasting image of me in her mind. I’m not sure if she has a mental picture anyway which may or may not be more damaging. My dressing is very separate from the male part of my life. I am very conscious to remove every piece of evidence that I have been dressing so there is no blurring between the lines. I think the only evidence left is that the hair on my body is trimmed or shaved but this is not obvious or unusual. Like Davina I will have stubble on my face quite often and don’t feel the need to be clean-shaven all the time.

I do believe that women are the stronger sex in many ways, maybe not physically but definitely mentally. I think that what I meant was that women are becoming more aggressive as they feel that this is a way to achieve parity with men.

I think the whole dressing thing is very difficult to get your head round. I’m not sure if I entirely understand the motivation but I’ve never looked at it as hiding my sex. I’ve done it to please myself self and not to attract other people. Maybe that is why it is such a private matter to many crossdressers. I don’t feel the need for wider acceptance it would just be nice not to be considered a freak.

If we all dressed the same then there would be no crossdressers but I don’t see that happening anytime soon. Gender equality is a huge issue and allowing men to dress freely as women isn’t going to solve the problem and is pretty trivial in comparison. As you say it may well be a smoke screen put up by crossdressers looking for justification and I think you make a good point. Maybe we should shut up about it not being fair that we can’t wear women’s clothes but you can wear men’s and instead concentrate on the serious issues. Men wearing shirts and heels aren’t going to solve the gender pay gap!

I think your waxing and waning is pretty typical of other wives and partners. It is a difficult subject and believe me if there was a pill I could take to make it all go away I would. Life would be so much easier.

I don’t know how long you’ve known that your husband crossdresses but I’m guessing time has helped the grieving process. It’s a shame that you feel robbed in many ways. Regret can play funny tricks on the mind. If you’d known that he was a crossdresser when you first met him I’m guessing that you wouldn’t have married him. How different would your life have been had you made that decision? I’m a bit of a fatalist and I’d didn’t choose to be a crossdresser it’s just something that is part of me. If I’d made other decisions in my life it would have been entirely different but I like to be positive and look towards the future and try and make things better for my family and me.

I’m glad that you don’t feel any burden. It is always something that has concerned me in the past and although it’s an individuals point of view I think that my wife is also quite pragmatic so hopefully doesn’t feel then.

It has been useful getting the answers for you and Em. It has also raised a few questions in my own mind and given me a different perspective. Talking to others crossdressers means you only get one point of view and it’s good to challenge your own thoughts and ideas.

By: Sindy

Subject: Katie's questions

1) How would you feel / react if you came home and found you son wearing his sisters / your clothes?

I'd probably be disappointed and blame my husband for dodgy genetics haha. But seriously, I wouldn't interfere other than to ask if he was okay, but inside I'd be sad he would have the difficulties my husband has had. For all the joy this behaviour might give you and Davina and my husband, from an outside perspective the confusion and social stigma really doesn't seem worth it. I'd hate any of my children to have a difficult life.

2) Do you think your reaction would be different now that you know more than you did before?

I know a lot more now and so I think my reaction would be worse now. Before, I might have laughed and thought it a joke. Now I see the seriousness of crossdressing and would feel a lot sadder to find my son dressed this way.

3) Would it be better if people were more aware about what crossdressing was as opposed to the media’s view, which tends to be gay drag queens or transsexuals?

Definitely. Currently, it's an extreme behavior done by extreme people. Ordinary men are hidden away in private. I don't fancy a change here though. I think private is a good thing. Do we really want droves of fathers and husbands coming out? It sounds like a good idea, but I think it would backfire. I think men could get away with pushing to wear women's clothing, but the moment you start wearing fake boobs and wigs you cross a line and something bordering on repulsion kicks in - I truly think this is a biological reaction to stop people hitting on the wrong sex.

I've often wondered why crossdressers pretend to be women. Why don't you just wear our clothing? That is more likely to be widely accepted. But I think wigs and fake boobs etc make it look like you're into costume wear and join you with the ranks of the Furries!

4) Do you think better understanding leads to greater acceptance?

Depends. It should. But like I also wrote, there's something else that turns people off cross dressing and I suspect it's this 'costume' part. Stop looking like women and I think you'll get more acceptance. Otherwise people will always assume you're transsexuals in denial, or insane lol.

5) Do you think your husband understands your needs as a woman in accepting his crossdressing?

I think so. He didn't always, but he does now.

6) How do you define femininity?

A series of personality traits society has deemed 'female'. Usually kindness, selflessness, gentleness etc. I don't think it is related so much to physical traits as many crossdressers would attest. Feminine men can look uber masculine. It's more a personality issue...at least that's how I see it.

7) If your husband reinforced his masculinity would this help you accept his crossdressing?

You know, I think this is subjective to each wife. If your husband was already quite feminine, then maybe it's less of a shock and concern? For me, the dressing can cloud how I see my husband overall. But not so much the masculinity but my general disappointment that he needs it and gives in to it. I guess it lowers my respect a little. Sad but true. Our perfect prince just ain't so perfect after all. so perhaps it affects his masculine I see him. I think my husband would say it affects me.

8) What would help to reinforce this masculinity, in the knowledge that he won’t stop dressing?

Well, the men who bring crossdressing into everyday life would struggle the most. So don't keep painted toenails. Don't shave everything all the time. Don't act effeminate if this is not your usual manner. Morphing slowly into an androgynous person is not uncommon for the more consumed dressers and I bet their wives struggle. If my husband did this, I'd probably leave. So maybe it's less about how masculine you are and more about how feminine you become. Maybe temper this and you'll be ok.

9) Do you think that the genders are converging or are women becoming more masculine in what they expect?

Women are definitely becoming stronger. We seem to connect this with masculinity but I'd suggest it's how women have always been (after all, which sex was given the hardship of childbirth?) and perhaps it's how it's always meant to be. I personally think women are the emotionally stronger sex so things are returning to balance.

10) Is it fair that women can play on the masculine side but men can’t play on the feminine side?

Again, if you believe in 'masculine' and 'feminine' then no, it's not fair. People have both traits. But I think what you're really asking is why can women look more like men but not the other way around. Crossdressing wouldn't exist if we were talking solely about personality traits - you can act feminine in combat gear. So why can't men look like women? It confuses basic biology, that's why. Women might wear 'masculine' clothing but they're not hiding their female sex. You can usually still tell that they're women. You are hiding that you're a man when you dress as Katie and that's not the same thing. Clothing should be for everyone, but I suspect this is not what crossdressing is about. It's not about gender equality - it's about coveting what women have. If women all dressed as hairy men, I suspect you and Davina would also dress as hairy men!

11) If we accept that there are both negative and positive masculine and feminine traits is it right that men should try and avoid any feminine traits for fear of seeming weak and be the ‘macho man’ of old?

That's silly. Men should be whoever they are. The younger generation will worry less of this 'macho' nonsense. Don't get me wrong, I love men, which apparently means masculinity. In this sense, I love the subtle difference between women and men, the broader body (and the extra hair lol) and having a man be physically stronger or whatever. But this doesn't take acting 'macho'. You are this by default. I can feel as attracted to a quiet gentleman as a loud football player! It's all in the individual, and these stereotypes don't help men or women. But neither do crossdressers, who haven't chosen to unite the sexes, but rather have chosen to dabble in the other team, and usually in a very OTT 'feminine' way. I'm fine with this. It's a bit of fun. But really, if you want full gender equality, crossdressing in skirts and and heels will have to go! lol.

12) Do you believe that having asked the questions you have that you can accept your husband’s crossdressing on an intellectual level even though you might find it difficult at the moment on an emotional level?

Yes. I do accept on an intellectual level. Emotionally, I think I'll always struggle as there's something innately difficult about it.

13) Do you believe that there is a grieving process whereby you have lost your image of the man you married but that given time you can learn to love the new person he has become in your eyes?

Yes, definitely a grieving process. The image has changed and some days I can see the man I married more than others. Of course, he never changes, but I guess my acceptance wanes and rises depending on how I'm feeling.

14) What is your view of acceptance? Is it allowing him to dress in private, in front of / with you, in public? I think boundaries of what is acceptable are important so nobody feels uncomfortable.

I tried to be involved and the image you talk about was almost destroyed. It was too weird for me. So now he dresses in private and I stay away. We can talk freely about it and I'm fine with this. I don't want to be involved otherwise. It's not something I would have chosen in a partner and I feel a little robbed in many ways.

15) Do you feel the burden of his secret?

No. It's his issue. If we separated, the crossdressing leaves with him. I think too many wives see this behavior as a reflection on them, yet logically this is silly. Most sane people would judge the husband, not the wife. I consider it good that he finally told me, but the burden is still his. He's the crossdresser. Not me.

Thanks for the interesting questions, Katie. :)

By: Katie

Subject: Re: Re: Questions for Sindy (and Emma)

Hi Hannah

Thanks of taking the time to post. It's really good to get the opinions of GGs as I think taking amongst ourselves (CDs) doesn't ever get to the truth about how are partners feel. Better understanding on both sides is the way forward.

By: Hannah (Wife of a crossdresser)

Subject: Re: Questions for Sindy (and Emma)

My first time posting

1) How would you feel / react if you came home and found you son wearing his sisters / your clothes?

Distraught despite accepting my husbands crossdressing I'd not want my son to have to go through the guilt of dressing, which my husband experianced and havng to hide this secret, the fact if I found out so may others and going through all the denial and hardship of telling a loved one about crossdressing.

2) Do you think your reaction would be different now that you know more than you did before?

I've been reading this blog and chatter and I'll hold my hand up with Sindy and Emma and say it's been a useful read and has opened up my views sightly.

3) Would it be better if people were more aware about what crossdressing was as opposed to the media’s view, which tends to be gay drag queens or transsexuals?

I think so yes. Crossdressing needs some dissassociation with the rest and I agree about LGBT and other than it being a minority I dont understand why the T has been added as it does make us think omg he crossdresses LGBT omg is he gay?

4) Do you think better understanding leads to greater acceptance?

Definately

5) Do you think your husband understands your needs as a woman in accepting his crossdressing?

Yes he is fab. I could not believe he crossdressed until I asked him to show me.

He definitely understands me is very considerate and kind.

6) How do you define femininity?

Well im not one who dresses for comfort per say I like to look my best, wear my hair long and curly and wear heels and hosiery. So my idea of feminnity is makeup and dresses and heels and looking pretty.

7) If your husband reinforced his masculinity would this help you accept his crossdressing?

He is very masculine and although at first I was mortified in a crisis hes the first to act to help smoeone. Very macho and brave also ex forces.

8) What would help to reinforce this masculinity, in the knowledge that he won’t stop dressing?

Nothing I see no need.

9) Do you think that the genders are converging or are women becoming more masculine in what they expect?

Women are becoming more like lads. I hate ladettes and pint swiling sweary women who act like men.

10) Is it fair that women can play on the masculine side but men can’t play on the feminine side?

Its womens porogative to be hard one minute and soft the next. Men arent allowed to do this. Have our clothes but not our mood swings.

11) If we accept that there are both negative and positive masculine and feminine traits is it right that men should try and avoid any feminine traits for fear of seeming weak and be the ‘macho man’ of old?

Something society expects as someone has typed camp men are ridiculed. Women want to be friends with cam men but want to mate with macho men.

12) Do you believe that having asked the questions you have that you can accept your husband’s crossdressing on an intellectual level even though you might find it difficult at the moment on an emotional level?

It has grown on me from fear of the unknown to enjoying his company when he dresses as Kiera. Lol Kiera knightly gave him his fem name he said he had to chose one and he fancies her lol.

13) Do you believe that there is a grieving process whereby you have lost your image of the man you married but that given time you can learn to love the new person he has become in your eyes?

Yes but thanks to the internet and blogs like this and chatting to other wives its been a quick process plus hes been very open about his dressing

14) What is your view of acceptance? Is it allowing him to dress in private, in front of / with you, in public? I think boundaries of what is acceptable are important so nobody feels uncomfortable.

He does it and has done it a long time back before he met me so its not my business to try to stop or deter his dressing he doesnt rub it in my face and ive grown to enjoy seeing him dressed hes somehow different maybe nicer to me or maybe I like the feeling of being more dominant when hes dressed up

15) Do you feel the burden of his secret?

Yes and no

Tes as I want no one to know and I cant talk to any friends or family about it and no as its our secret.

By: Davina

Subject: Re: Questions for Sindy (and Emma)

Just seen this some good questions in the continuing debate and good answers from Emma :)

All this and I've not crossdressed for over a month lol got the fitness and diet bug at the moment no time for crossdressing..

The urge will return

By: Katie

Subject: Re: Re: Questions for Sindy (and Emma)

Hi Em

Thanks of taking the time to reply. I think that sometimes the way a question is phrased my not always elicit the response expected.

Going back to my own childhood when I was told that swopping nightclothes with my sister was wrong it set in motion a thought process that kept my crossdressing hidden from my parents and subsequently my wife. Knowing it was 'wrong' didn't stop it progressing. As I've said before it's something you are born with and not going to change.

I think if I came home and found my son in my wife clothes I'd be shocked the same as you. But I'd need to talk to him to find out more about why and if I suspected he was a crossdresser then I wouldn't try and stop it as I know the guilt and pain it can cause in future.

I guess that I'm coming from a different angle and there is no evidence that crossdressing is hereditary so nothing to worry about!

There are programmes which cover normal crossdressers on TV where it is no dramatised or taken to extremes. They don't often feature highly on most peoples radar as they're just not interested in finding out more on a subject that doesn't interest or affect them. So chances of me or Davina going on TV are pretty remote given our behind closed doors approach.

We've also got Eddie Izzard who is pretty high profile and is a pretty normal crossdresser. Perry Grayson is a different matter!

Femininity is a hard one to put your finger on. As I said before it is a 'general' rule set by society which has a need to label things. Being kind and considerate maybe termed as feminine behaviours but are not exclusive so it is sometimes hard to define. Also the 'roles' generally associated with women is very sexist. I look after my children which is generally a role associated with women and I don't think that that make me feminine. As I said before being a crossdresser has maybe made me more tolerant and I definitely believe in equality of the sexes.

I think where I was coming from with the intellectual / emotional acceptance is concerned is that my wife says logically she knows that she should be accepting and tolerant as it is just something I do. But on an emotional level it is something she finds hard to accept. I guess that she's not unique in this response. I think that Davina and I may have been able to deal with the intellectual side of the agreement it's just the emotional side that only you can deal with.

It sounds to me as if you are coming to terms with this in your own way and as the saying goes time is a great healer. I think that he is very lucky having someone who has taken the time to find out more and has embraced his crossdressing making it almost normal.

I think the burden is one of the reasons some crossdressers keep it from their partners. It can be quite a strain to keep something secret for so long. I've thought about talking to my sister but it never seems quite the right time.

My wife isn't really interested in talking and so discussing it here is quite therapeutic for me. I think the reason for maybe talking to my sister is that I can actually open up more to someone face to face as sometime things put in words don't always come across quite right.

By: Emma RG

Subject: Re: Questions for Sindy (and Emma)

Hi

Here's my answers (writing this in work so hope no one peeks over my shoulder)

Its only fair that we answer your questions.

1) How would you feel / react if you came home and found you son wearing his sisters / your clothes?

Em – I would be mortified and probably try to stop it happening again but would talk to him about it and get his Dad involved although I suspect his Dad may be mortified too.

2) Do you think your reaction would be different now that you know more than you did before?

Em – Not in this scenario no.

3) Would it be better if people were more aware about what crossdressing was as opposed to the media’s view, which tends to be gay drag queens or transsexuals?

Em – Definitely as in the mainstream people don’t know there is the Davina/Katie type crossdressers, we only see drag queens, transexuals and how this is reflected by the media. So which one of you will go on TV and show the world you're normal blokes?

4) Do you think better understanding leads to greater acceptance?

Em – Yes it would lead to better understanding and I think some of the stats on Davinas blog show some women including myself have changed from upset to now sort of accept crossdressing. I suppose it's how we're told or find out and how well we can talk about it and quickly find the reasons why. Some of the reasons why.

5) Do you think your husband understands your needs as a woman in accepting his crossdressing?

Yes I think he does he feels very guilty for putting this on me so I definitely think he understands my needs in terms of crossdressing.

6) How do you define femininity?

Em – Sorry I had to google it as not really sure myself but I do agree with this.

A set of attributes, behaviours and roles generally associated with women.

Socially defined and Biologically defined making a distinct definition between males and females. Sorry its so society led but that's how we're brought up. Now we're discussing crossdressing more openly it's become harder for me to give an answer to this.

7) If your husband reinforced his masculinity would this help you accept his crossdressing?

Em – He can't act much more masculine so no

8) What would help to reinforce this masculinity, in the knowledge that he won’t stop dressing?

Em – See above nothing he can do more to prove he's macho to me. I dont need him to prove the male side of himself.

9) Do you think that the genders are converging or are women becoming more masculine in what they expect?

Em – I think its a mans world but women are clawing at more and more of it. Women are becoming more masculine.

10) Is it fair that women can play on the masculine side but men can’t play on the feminine side?

Em – No but its what society have currently decided is acceptable. Men who show fem traits are thought of as sissy or weak.

11) If we accept that there are both negative and positive masculine and feminine traits is it right that men should try and avoid any feminine traits for fear of seeming weak and be the ‘macho man’ of old?

Em – Its a hard question the answer is no there's nothing wrong with a man having fem traits but then my mind says as long as it's not OTT. Again conditioning? We're not or I'm not attractive to camp men.

12) Do you believe that having asked the questions you have that you can accept your husband’s crossdressing on an intellectual level even though you might find it difficult at the moment on an emotional level?

Em – Like Sindy and Davina and her wife I think we've come to terms with Crossdressing being something he does we feel we need to know why but no one knows why so on an intellectual level I don't know I guess I have some comfort in I'm not alone in this and other women have the same problem in having crossdressers as partners but there is this explained misinterpretation of some crossdressers and I think you are in a minority of crossdressers.

It still sometimes affects me emotionally thinking I'm not enough for him that he has to dress up but it does help him unwind and I know its not because of me he crossdresses.

It has spurned me on to make more of an effort myself.

13) Do you believe that there is a grieving process whereby you have lost your image of the man you married but that given time you can learn to love the new person he has become in your eyes?

Em – Oh yes I was very upset to find out he crossdressed behind my back for years in my things and that he needed to be a woman to unwind and for kicks it made me feel inadequate and really upset me and made me feel I didn’t know him. Chat here has made me see its still him and has always been him he's not a new person Crossdressing has always been something he's done and I can now see it as something he trusted me to cope with and deal with.

14) What is your view of acceptance? Is it allowing him to dress in private, in front of / with you, in public? I think boundaries of what is acceptable are important so nobody feels uncomfortable.

Em – My view of acceptance is being OK with him getting this urge to occasionally dress up as a woman. He can do it in private but I don't want it hidden from me any more. We have had a girls night in following reading Davina and her Wifes blog which went OK. It was actually fun trying to help him look more convincing as a woman which we both enjoyed. Definitely not in public but I'm OK him dressing at home or in a hotel if he's away with work as long as I know about it and I'm now OK seeing him dressed up again if I know about it.

15) Do you feel the burden of his secret?

Em – Yes to an extent as I don’t want anyone else to know our secret as they would judge both of us. I have talked to my sister and friends testing the water but given no indication its about me and him. Their reactions have led me to keep it between us.

Got away with tying this in work between phone calls with no one noticing I hope.

I hope other wives will reply and Davinas Wifes view would be good too.