By: Davina

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Being told and Telling

Agreed telling all is a bit silly as social repercussions are massive even employment no matter what diversity and inclusion and I'd say anyone telling all is not like us they're more trans and have more of a few side or maybe bonkers side.

Telling ones wife is a necessity and private thing telling everyone is asking to be judged.

Although I told our friends on a girls night out even initiating it in the texts as we were arranging the night out being the only man out with 3 women including my wife stating as its a girls night out and I'm a man and your husband and boyfriend isn't invited do I need to wear a dress and this went on in a group chat then the night out they asked why I wasn't in a dress and I said my wife wouldn't let me and we talked about me being crossdressed etc to my wife's horror the. They didn't realise I was chirping in about makeup and heels and women's fashion etc and so it continued to a point where we were heading off home and I said next time you will have to meet at ours give me a makeover and I'll come out as a girl and they said ... You're so funny as if you'd dress up as a woman and my wife called me a smart Arse knowing full well no matter what I confessed that they would never believe I was a crossdressed.

Slightly different to the tell all as I told them the exact truth about my crossdressing having 100% knowledge that they wouldn't believe me lol.

By: Sindy

Subject: Re: Re: Being told and Telling

Telling the wife (preferably before marriage) is always the right thing to do.

I was just curious about other men who have a wife whose known for years and both seem happy, when one day (usually middle age) he decides he also needs to tell the kids, his friends and all extended family. Some seem to even drop this bomb on the people they work with. To me, this seems self destructive or deliberate thrill seeking (like the dude who has an affair). Or maybe it's inevitable. That's a corcern wives have when seeing this happen on the forums. And it's not uncommon.

Many crossdressers (even the Davina types) seem to crack one day, escalate the behavior while telling all within earshot of their hobby. It's quite sad to observe and plenty seem to regret it later when wives leave them and friends get bored with the one track conversation. Anyway, was curious about this phenomenon.

Wives should always know though. It affects us too close.y not to.

By: Davina

Subject: Re: Being told and Telling

If my wife hadn't been told about my crossdressing then:

1) One day she would have caught me out

2) She may have found clothing etc and thought I was having an affair

Both end badly so telling was the best option.

I think wives have a right to know if you do something out of the norm.

It is but isn’t a deception as its a personal thing crossdressing and telling only comes really out of necessity in a relationship and openness and honesty in a relationship.

We worry for ages and debate to tell or not to tell trying to gauge reaction and test the waters nervously conscious of saying the wrong thing not wanting to upset our wives or scare them and send them running for the hills.

Like Katie for a while in my mid 20s I also stopped dressing I have a wife dressing sexy for me etc no need for compensation and a job where I was free to chose how many hours I worked etc and then with taking a new job came stress along with a few other things that happened after mid 20s which cause some stress and a bit of upset and crossdressing returned.

It wasn’t long after starting dressing again that I told my wife about dressing (after she asked to dress me up)

Is it definitely better to have been told than to find out by accident.

I had the opportunity to lie and say my wife started me crossdressing but decided to tell the truth that I’ve crossdressed all my life. Probably harder for my wife to take than the white lie I could have told but it was the truth.

Telling people

I think its a few things, wanting to share the secret, not wanting to hide things from your wife and there’s a trust element, after all its a huge secret that us straight married men hide and to tell a wife shows a great deal of trust and hope that your wife will cope with this shock and as above its about openness and honesty in a relationship and to an extent better to tell than get caught.

I would encourage coming out as the alternative as above is harder to explain ie being caught red handed or items of womens clothing discovered in the bedroom by your wife ouch..

Its not like coming out as Gay.. If I was Gay (far from it) that would be a marriage ender but being a crossdresser needn’t be a threat to a marriage.

True as soon as you tell someone, that's often all they may see is the man they love(d) and thought they knew now they don't know you any more but in reality its always been you and a part of you they liked but didn’t realise they liked a softer side which may be something to do with the crossdressing and suppressed feelings.

Crossdressing is unusual, we can explain sexuality but how do you explain men dressing up as women or men dressing up as star trek or star wars or game of thrones or lord of the rings characters..

Wives can eventually see their husbands as a whole picture again and it can be quick with good advice or really can take time with poor communication and bad advice.

There’s no element of exhibitionism or shock value.

No Boundary pushing and No we don’t think people want and need to know we crossdress, despite it being a private activity.

Sometimes you have to get things off your chest… like a bra lol.. seriously its down to honesty and trust its not for any other reason and why middle aged men?

Maybe its an age where mid aged men have teenage kids and its hard to dress… so telling sharing with your wife hoping she will understand can make it easier for the crossdresser and makes it easier for the accidental discovery by wife or kids…

I could have easily kept my crossdressing a long-term secret but a man should not have secrets from his wife…

Crossdressers can get very self absorbed by the whole thing and fret and worry about telling and how to tell and what if we get caught etc and I agree not think through the consequences of their actions.. I never in a million years thought my wife would ask if I was gay!! nor did I think she's burst into tears. Nor did I think she'd say wow lets see you dressed...but I'm glad I told her

By: Katie

Subject: Being told

Building on Sindy's question about telling I was wondering if wives and partners would have felt better if they hadn't been told about their other half's crossdressing.

As Sindy says there is a lot of pressure on forums to tell wives and partners. I get that it is a deception and if a wife or partners finds out it might not end particularly well. There is also a risk that coming out will also not end well so lots of crossdressers face a real dilemma.

From a personal point of view the reason I didn't tell upfront was that my crossdressing had stopped by the time I met my wife. It didn't return until well into our marriage and I was able to control my dressing. I couldn't see any advantage in telling as I could lose the woman I love. It was my guilty secret for many years before she found out and didn't affect our marriage as far as I was concerned.

She took it really well and although it's something she has no interest in being involved with, our marriage has continued in the same way. We have two great kids who we both adore and we just wouldn't want to jeopardise there future by splitting up. As far as she is concerned my crossdressing is not a marriage breaker.

So what is the best option.

1) Not telling and hoping that nobody ever finds out. Obviously the risk is being found out and the consequences that might have.

2) Coming clean about the crossdressing once it takes hold of your life. Again there maybe consequences depending on how and when you tell.

Is it better to have been told than to find out by accident? Would your emotions be different?

I know that every situation is different and I'd never give advice as to which path to follow but understanding a wife's or partner's perspective may help other crossdressers facing the dilemma.

By: Jayne

Subject: Re: Re: Telling people

I have been into crossdresser for more than 4 decades and have shared my 'hobby' with very few others I knew I could shown some respect. Included in those I told is my wife, so i can buyand wear my collection indoors, a couple of bi/gay men I dated for a while,and a married couple who caught me at a hotel one evening when I removed my sweater forgeting i was wearing my new black bra. as for telling anyone else depends on what situation causes my exposure.

By: Katie

Subject: Re: Telling people

I don't really know why the urge to tell exists but it obviously does. Personally I would probably have gone through my whole life without telling anyone had my wife not discovered my clothes. I just felt that it wasn't something I needed to share and we all know the potential consequences of someone finding out.

However, once the cat is out the bag your perspective changes. Having been discovered I started to find out more about crossdressing and trying to discover why I needed to crossdress.

This can lead you down all sorts of different paths and if you are using the internet inevitably you'll end up on one of the forums. I guess this is where the peer pressure can start and the dressing can easily escalate and runaway with you (pink fog).

A lot of posts are about going out and it just seems the natural step. Going out leads to increased confidence and acceptance which in turn leads the the 'telling' of your nearest and dearest. Some of this is thrill seeking, pushing boundaries and can be self destructive.

Personally I don't feel the need to tell my kids although I suspect they'd take it in their stride. The reason for not telling is for my families protection.

I think that crossdressers can get very self absorbed by the whole thing and not think through the consequences of their actions. I asked before about telling my sister. I think that that was really out of the need to discus my feeling with someone else other than my wife. This is a reason I'm grateful for this blog as it stopped me from taking this course.

I do think that if someone considered themselves transgender then there is a different dynamic involved. If you need to express your gender identity because it is part of who you are then this can lead to full disclosure.

I think the middle age thing is really more to do with the stages in crossdressing. Mine stopped during my early twenties to late thirties. It coincided with getting married (late twenties) and reared itself again during a period of high stress (late thirties).

It does seem that a lot of crossdressers go through periods in their lives where it will stop or severely diminish almost to the point you think you maybe 'cured'. We all know now that this is not the case.

It is a shame that one aspect of your life can dominate what people think about you and you can easily get a label that can't be shaken. It can ruin careers of high profile people which is why they are often very secretive about their lives.