By: New Here
Subject: Hi
Thanks for all your advice
I thought I'd better post an update seeing as this blog has helped us so much.
So finding him dressed in my wedding dress has been mind blowing made even more mind blowing by him wearing full makeup and having a wig which was a bit psyco as it looked like he was trying to look like me.
Advice taken after both reading every letter of the blog advice and Davinas personal blog which has opened my mind to reasons why men dress up and why my husband may dress us.
We've not really talked much but have text eachother a lot on Friday night using some of the questions posed on the blog.
I'm satisfied hes not Gay and it seems its just something he has done snice young and enjoys doing albeit for years he's been tryingon womens clothes and it seems anyones clothes he came across and opportunity to dress up starting with his mums and his sisters and other various relatvies even neighbours and friends mums OMG.
I took him shopping Saturday and said he had to buy some things of his own if he must continue to do this but I have told him he dresses in his own time I don't want to see him or be with him dressed up and I will let him know when I'm on my way home so if he is dressed he can undress.
First stop was Boots and I picked him out some foundation, blush, lipstick and eye shadow makeup removal crème and makeup wipes and made him pay for it which made hm blush and even worse to come for him in Primark we walked round looking at dresses him so coy and so not like him I picked out 2 dresses to nods of approval from him then picked him out some high heels to a few grunts from him edging me towards the highest heels there and a pair of stockings hold ups. We then went upstairs and into the lingerie section where he grunted me towards knickers, bras and basques and some chicken fillets OMG it was so weird picking up racy lingerie and knowing it was for him and later he told me he had an errection the whole time especially in the lingerie section.
Then I made him go scarlett by saying go on then pay for it to which he said no way they might think its for me and I said ok lets put it all back lol he was so embarrassed but went through with it with me stood off to the side as the girl at the desk scanned racy lingerie stocking heels dress etc.
he's not dressed up yet but text me he was dying to try things on and is hoping he can get home from work early today to dress up before I get home which is really strange but he seems so excited about it but also ashamed.
I guess if we want to make things work and as ive read this may be an inexplicable part of him we will have to see how this goes as long as he keeps it to himself. Like Davinas wife if he wants or is dressing I feel I need t know hes doing it so I can avoid having to walk in on him dressed again and we need to be able to talk about it and remember to delete our texts.
Thankyou all for the advice and Davina thankyou for the blog it has helped so much although my head is still spinning.
By: Katie
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: hi
Hi Alex
It was probably inevitable that your wife would find out about your cross dressing especially if you borrow her clothes.
What is important now is that you listen to what she wants. Don't push it and let her set the pace. Don't let the 'pink fog' descend where you rush into crossdresing as if the break has been released. She will still be feeling confused, angry and a whole host of emotions.
Time is a great healer and her taking the time to read this blog will help her to make sense of what is a strange situation.
Sindy is right in that us crossdressers will take a rose tinted view.
At the end of the day you both need to decide how to deal with this going forward.
By: Sindy
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: hi
Hi. :-)
Your story is common for a crossdresser so nothing new there. You've progressed to full dressing as my husband also does. It's still really only a fun fantasy image for my husband and not a gender issue, so not sure how you identify when you are dressed? You should clear this part up immediately with your wife so she can move forward from the very heavy 'do you want to be a woman' question and start processing all this.
I think written communication is a good idea if you're more comfortable with this at the start. Just remember that anything you write and pass on is now in the care of that person and could be shown to others. I hate saying that to a clearly loving couple, but it's also a fact and has happened to people many times over. The spoken word is a mere rumour while the written word is proof. Hypothetically, because I'm sure she won't, but if you're not too worried about your wife showing what you write to a friend or anyone else for support, then text away.
But definitely keep the communication open and use what is written here as the catalyst if you need. I'm the wife trying to understand all this after years of confusion and anger so I'll be less fluffy and happy about it than Davina and co, lol. But I'm also far less concerned and we've even had a wife here (Emma) find a very happy place with it all who drops in now and again.
Oh...and get your own stuff! Unless she's okay sharing (and very few wives are) then make that your first boundary. Never wear your wife's clothes.
Then, discuss the motivation with her - tell her how you started dressing and what that meant to you and why you feel you need to keep doing it. What do you expect from your wife with all this? If she can't or won't participate or even see you dressed (that's how I am) then can you respect this and get on with your life together while keeping this discreet and separate? Can you control the urge or does it control you
Lots of things to think about. Feel free to ask them all here, and post whenever you like as it's therapeutic for us all!
Good luck. :-) x
By: Alex T
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: hi
Hi I'm the husband who has been caught red handed. I have been crossdressing since I was a teenager. Moving in with my wife opened up a whole new opportunity which ashamed to say I have delved into, bought a wig and makeup and seen my crossdressing progress to have to be dressed fully to enjoy it.
I got home early from work and saw her wedding dress and found the lingerie and was compelled to try it on ad that's when I got caught with my wife also finishing work unexpectedly early.
I've had a good read of the blog and I'm so glad my wife found this blog as there are so many terrible sites and some really bad advice.
I've really upset her and I've spent all weekend at her request reading the parts of the blog from the advice to the blog and the guestbook and it is all very positive.
It has allowed her to write down some questions and allowed me to prepare for what I expect will be asked.
We are finding it difficult to talk about it but I think writing or texting or even instant messenger may be a way around this as explained in one of the bog posts.
Thankyou for those who have advised. I think we're going to be ok and I hope we can both take part in discussions here.
By: Katie
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: hi
I've always found talking difficult so maybe not the right person to ask. I've found writing everything down much easier as it give me time to think instead of blurting it out. Sometimes it comes out wrong and it can get a bit too emotional and you can say things you don't really mean.
So starting with a few emailed questions may help to break the ice. If you want to talk go somewhere neutral without any special memories. That way you won't associate somewhere special with bad thoughts.
By: New here
Subject: Re: Re: Re: hi
im 23 hes 24 we've been together 5 years and married for 3 weeks.
ive directed him to the blog which he was on most of yesterday reading the advice.
ive read the advice on the graphs of acceptance and everything else in the advice and the guestbook.
i have typed some questions for him i need answering and will email him later its been a fairly quiet weekend weve not gone out or really done anything both had our heads in the blog with so much to take in.
how do you go about talking aout this. i know we have to but i dont kbow where to start.
By: Sindy
Subject: Re: Re: hi
Ha, so true. Oh how I wish I'd had someone else who would have asked the questions I couldn't. It's just so hard to get the objective information we desire when we're heavily invested in the answer. Now, stepping back, I can ask and discuss anything. But in the past I truly didn't want to hear any of it, so I asked all the wrong emotionally charged questions, and we weren't talking anyway.
Katie is also right that we wives often need to know the reasons before accepting. We need more than 'I like it and it's fun.' Well, so is pulling the wings off baby birds for some odd types. Cross dressing might be 'fun', but if deep down he's also doing it because he's always believed he's female then he's really not the right partner for a heterosexual woman. Communication should reveal this, unless he's an expert liar and then you have worse problems than crossdressing.
Motivation and communication.
These are my new favorite words. :-)
By: Davina
Subject: Re: hi
Hi so glad you found this blog as there are lots of blogs and sites but this blog I hope and intend to be seen as useful and open.
I'll let you into a little secret .. Well it's not such a little secret as I've blogged about it but the day after we got married when the wife was in the bath I snuck upstairs and put on her wedding lingerie, stockings heels and wedding dress and it felt so nice.
That didn't or doesn't make me a bad person and since that day the wedding dress has been packed away in a box in the attic.
Crossdressing is strange I won't deny that but it is also very misunderstood mainly due to the way it is portrayed in the media and by society in general.
Can I ask how old you both are? And say congratulations for getting married!!
I would say as you describe he was in makeup and a wig dressed a) he's been crossdressing for a while (don't let that worry you), b) he didn't expect you home, c) he probably wants you to know this secret of his d) he's probably worried and fretted over will This urge stop when I get married e) how do I go about telling her I crossdress f) how will she take it if I do tell her g) will she throw me out h) will she tell other people ... On and on
And no doubt you will be thinking is he gay, does he want to be a woman, is it my fault...
There are answers to all of this
If it's hard to talk my advice is you write down questions of what you want to know and pass them to him he writes answers and a few questions to you and back and forth until you have the full picture then I hope you will see maybe it's his form of escapism and fun.
Let us know how you get on and please don't be afraid to ask us anything and read the questions here from the last few months posted by Sindy, Emma and Hannah.. Davina (me) and Katie are Crossdressers alpha male ones lol.
Hope to hear from you soon and get him to check out the blog and contribute also you may find answers as no doubt Sindy may ask him what you might not ask.. D x
By: Katie
Subject: Re: hi
It must have been a real shock for you. Especially after being on such high to suddenly come crashing to the ground when you found your husband in your wedding dress.
I can understand why you are both reluctant to talk. You because you are still processing this information and him out of embarrassment and shame. He'll be feeling sick to the stomach with worry and bringing up the conversation in his mind may mean he losses someone he loves.
You're obviously haven't shown him the door and have taken the time to research about crossdressing which is a positive step.
Please fell free to ask questions and I'm sure that the wives an partners here will offer there full support.
As Sindy says it is important to open a dialog. Even if it is just to reassure him that you are not going to rush into any rash decisions. Let him know you need time to think and process this new information about him.
I don't know if he has his own clothes or just had an impulse to try on your weeding dress. It really isn't cool and he should really have his own clothes. If he doesn't give him some of you old ones for know but maybe ask him not to dress in front of you until you are ready.
The important thing is to set boundaries an have rules. If you let him have free reign then the 'pink fog' may descend and he'll be escalating his dressing and purchases. Keep control on him until everything settles down. Crossdressers do like to push the boundaries so you need to stand firm as you do have the control in this situation.
As Sindy says the decision at the end of the day must be yours. If you can learn to accept then crossdressing needn't be a big issue in marriage but if it will continue to niggle away then you will have to look at your future together.
You sound like a sensible lady from the fact you have taken the time to post here. So do your research but beware that some sites can have extreme points of view. Don't believe everything you read on the internet!
Everyone here is trying to be honest and helpful. We've no hidden agenda and it has been therapeutic to many of us just to be heard. To some degree for the crossdresser it is finding peace with yourself after so many years hiding a secret. For the wives and partners it is discovering more about the motivations and understanding that it isn't the end of the world. It's a matter of perspective.
It's not a disease, it's not hereditary it's just part of somebodies make up.
Please keep posting and asking questions until you have found your answers.
By: Sindy
Subject: Re: hi
Hi. So sorry you had to find out like that. Not sure what he was thinking when he put your wedding dress on and let himself get caught, but don't think he's weird for wearing it as it is one of the fantasies most often written about online! He might not have his own stuff since marrying you and it just happened to be there. Not cool, and he should have known it would be a terrible idea, but not much about cross dressing is logical. Not from our perspective anyway.
I'm glad some of this chat is helping. I coildn't really talk to ,my husband either, or we couldn't and now we can and it really does help. It's such a shame he didn't tell you sooner but at least you're newly married and not decades in. The shock is still awful but if you can navigate some conversation with him, you can work through this.
My guess is he is very embarrassed right now. And you're freaked out, weirded out and wondering what you've gotten yourself into. Yes? Read what Davina and Katie have said about their dressing and let your husband read it too. Maybe just send the link to him via email and say it's really helping you. Then ask if he relates to any of this and to explain how it is for him. Thing is, the Davina Dresser is in this for fun, comfort, a turn on or whatever but it's not an identity and it's not a big part of their life or marriage. It's a need, yes, but it's a controllable need that can be managed as Davina and Katie have shown.
Your husband needs to tell you the truth of what this means to him. It's going to be a lot harder to live with someone who dresses to fill a gender identity than just a fun turn on. Dressing for gender dysphoria will likely only increase and even become something that defines him. But only your husband can tell you this.
But talk now, before you have kids or anything else that makes leaving harder if this isn't something you can live with. And you don't have to live with it, you really don't. It's your life, too. I think many wives would have walked away if they'd known from day one, even the occasional dressing. That's sad but it's also reality. It's easy for me to say I wouldn't change anything after marriage and mortgage and kids and life. Choosing not to have the gorgeous babies I now have isn't an option. But it was an option before all that. Though, I think now, looking back, if I'd had the information from this blog and the men here to talk to, being the adventurous girl I was I probably would have given my husband a chance. But NOT if he had gender confusion. That's not fair on any partner and that's why you need to talk to him.
So share this blog with him if you can, and see if you can get conversation going. Meanwhile, if you just need an ear to vent to, or want to ask questions no matter how silly or how often we've talked of it here, I'm here, okay. You're not alone with this. There are literally MILLIONS of women living with cross dressers on this planet so you're very much not alone. x
By: New here
Subject: hi
recently discovered my newlywed husband crossdresses.
actually found him fully dressed two days after we got married in my weddingdress and lingerie caught red handed.
i came across this blog and it has helped as has your chat.
i was really disturbed finding him in my wedding dress with full makeup and a wig and heels.
we are finding it very hard to talk about.
By: Katie
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Hi
Sindy it's not negative it just a different point of view!
Crossdressers sometimes find it hard to put themselves in the wives shoes (not literally lol) and always look on the positives. As you say there is also a tendency to push boundaries which does seem to be common to anyone with an obsession.
The self-destruct button doesn't need to be pressed and I'm sure that there is a middle ground that most couples can find whereby they can live happily together as a crossdresser and partner. It is always a shame, as I think we've discussed before, that we are crossdressers first and husbands second, especially if it is only a small part of our personality.
As long as you show each other love and support then most thing can be overcome given time.
And yes we do ADORE our wives and crossdressing is not a substitute for them. On any forum I've been on the biggest fear always seems to be losing your wife to divorce. It does always seem strange that we risk everything because of our need to crossdress but whether you consider it an angels blessing or a devils curse we are compelled to dress for our own sanity.
By: Sindy
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Hi
Thanks Katie, but I'm sure I'm more the Negative Nelly here than voice of reason, lol. I've just witnessed over the last couple of years far too many wives jumping head first into the supportive role, only to have her husband take advantage and push through every agreed boundary until finally, on the support forum or wherever, we would get the inevitable 'I have decided to leave him' comment. ' It was so common it was almost laughable...except we all wanted to cry. Children and families were utterly crushed in the process. I don't care whether you feel an angel came down and gifted you this crossdressing urge - if you marry another person YOU PUT THEM FIRST!!
Off my soap box now, lol.
Anyway, Katie is right. The act of crossdressing really isn't the big issue and I know, even for me, that while it was weird and a bit of a turn off, it wasn't a deal breaker. It's the behaviour surrounding it - which can involve so much pain and lies and public humiliation it's like having a nuclear weapon buried in the back garden - that dooms the marriage. Learn to control it, or it WILL control you. If willpower is not your thing, then accept the consequences if your wife chooses divorce.
And to the wives out there, be strong ladies. Be YOU! Don't ever let another persons behaviour define how you feel about yourself or how you live your life. Low self esteem is not uncommon in spouses of crossdressers, from what I've observed. The wives often feel their role is stolen or they're not desirable or they're failures at femininity. This blog proves these concerns wrong as it's pretty much the opposite - they ADORE you. But your husbands do have an unconventional way of expressing their desire and this is not your issue nor a reflection on you as a woman. It is their thing, and it just is. They're not bad people and they didn't choose this - they're just flawed people like the rest of us. And, like the rest of us, how they deal with their issues ultimately decides how you deal with them. It's their choice. Be strong and compassionate, but never forget that you also deserve to be happy. :-)
So lovely couples reading here, look after yourselves and cherish each other. Do what makes you smile without hurting those around you, and TALK to each other as much as you can. Life is short. Don't waste it being controlled by impulse or worry. You'll miss so many amazing human experiences.
Sindy, over and out. x
By: Katie
Subject: Re: Re: Hi
Sindy is yet again the voice of reason. A lot of what she says is common sense as far a marriage is concerned.
The crossdressing itself is not the problem it is how destructive it or any other obsession can become to a marriage that is the danger.
If you can both learn to manage this within your marriage then you're onto a winner.
And yes it is his baggage and maybe he should learn to stand on his own two feet as far as buying clothes etc is concerned, however, it doesn't stop you buying the occasional item as a surprise!
To Alex, remember that your wife has taken a great step in accepting your crossdressing. Do not abuse this trust, learn to control your dressing and above all remember to treat her as the number one woman in your life.
By: Sindy
Subject: Re: Hi
You're doing really well, to be honest. I couldn't have taken my husband shopping like that so kudos to you for being so accepting already.
Of course, remember you're also allowed to not feel so generous when you just don't feel like dealing with it (these days will happen) as this is still his thing, not yours. You're not responsible for your husband having access to women's clothing. I always feel it's the person bringing the baggage into the marriage who is responsible for carrying it around, despite the desire to offload it. Sorry, we're not crossdressers. All husbands need to remember this, and to all crossdressers I say 'It's you who have formed an unusual attachment to what are essentially just material things to us and it is you who must shoulder the brunt of this burden in a way that doesn't hurt or stress your partner and family. Otherwise, you have no business getting married. Plain and simple.'
I also thought I'd mention that resentment can build if you start feeling like you need to leave the house so he can dress or your husbands starts suggesting you leave so he can dress. It's a tightrope he will walk for sure...but this one can leave a wife feeling like her husband is spending the marriage counting the minutes until you're apart. It's hurtful to think they're happier away from us, so just keep talking and communicating and you can avoid these moments as much as possible.
In the end, you're a grown woman and he's a grown man and whatever you do in your marriage is between you both and no one else. So never feel bad that you're compromising like this. Wives everywhere are making sacrifices so the men in their lives can indulge peculiar habits or whatever. There's something about raising sons that puts a spotlight on how different boys and girls really are. We're so alike in so many ways yet in this one area, I now realize men carry childhood habits and passions all the way into the grave far more than women. It's so hard for us to comprehend why an otherwise sensible, intelligent man would let his life be complicated with childlike behaviours. But, they do. From golf to motobikes to hunting to crossdressing. We try and understand it here and Davina and co do a great job of explaining it, but I still read the words 'it's fun and relaxing and I need it' and my brain falls out. I have no idea what they're talking about. So I'm working on accepting that 'it just is' and hoping that takes away some of the exasperation I feel when my husband feels a need to indulge this silliness lol.
Remember, I'm the non fluffy one so you'll probably hear more yippees and cheers for your very lucky husband from Katie and Davina haha.
He is lucky though. Remember that. I suspect, like you and I, that most wives will give a crossdressing spouse a chance upon discovering his secret as I think our lack of knowledge and surprise means we can't process what it really means. And in a hundred ways it doesn't mean a whole lot - given it's literally about clothing and hair and accessories. What IS dangerous about crossdressing is the mindset behind the behaviour. Not just the gender stuff, which is not common but can happen, but the guys for whom this a bit of fun can become equally impossible to live with. Compulsiveness. Obsession. Spending money you don't have. Avoiding family time to dress. Pushing boundaries for that extra high. These are common issues and THESE are what will drive a wife to leave. Most women can sigh, roll their eyes and turn a blind eye to her husband's odd habits. Very few will turn a blind eye to selfish, destructive behaviour.
With all that said, I think you're off to a great start and I'd love to hear how your husband is processing these next steps and how he plans on managing his dressing long term in your marriage.
Thanks for writing back. I look forward to reading more of your journey. x
By: Katie
Subject: Re: Hi
I'm glad the blog has helped you both out.
It was definitely a good idea for him to get his own clothes. When you are young and aren't able to buy your own stuff then I'm afraid you do need to 'borrow' your mum's or sister's clothes. A bit yucky but that's life as a crossdresser!
He probably was trying to look like you. After all you are his 'object of desire' so maybe take it as a compliment. I am often inspired by the clothes my wife wears although I don't wear hers!
Shopping is a nightmare. The only time men seem to be able to buy lingerie is Christmas or Valentines! And buying tights is never. I tend to use the click and collect service offered by most high street shops as it saves embarrassment. Most of the staff of the major retailers are trained not to bat an eyelid if a man wants to buy women's clothes, in fact some of them can't help enough!
Good idea to have certain codes if you don't want to walk in on him. Given time you will be able to process this all a little easier and I'm sure that Sindy, Emma and Hannah can also help with some advice.
Good luck.