This is an article from Sisterhouse.net by Terri Lee Ryan. I have copied it word for word but you can see the original here https://www.sisterhouse.net/familyroom/2017/03/19/cross-dressers-can-your-marriage-survive/
Can your marriage survive cross-dressing is the question on most of our minds as more and more of us take that step out of the closet in our new enlightened age.
Couples with a cross-dressing husband are struggling to find a balance in their relationship. For many, it is a fight to maintain a loving relationship after a wife finds out her husband has a femme side that has been hiding in the shadows for many years, only to come out with vengeance. Her first blush with her husband in a tight skirt wearing fishnet hose and stiletto’s is devastating for most as it is not what they ever expected from their masculine husband.
Many wives wish they never found out about their husband’s femme side, yet they want an honest transparent relationship. Wives feel cheated, lied to and shocked by their dual gender husband. Cross-dressers are pro’s at hiding their activities and for most, their wives never had a clue they had this femme side. Then one day, they are confronted with this “woman” standing before them looking for acceptance from the person they trust most, their wife.
I know most of you have experienced this scenario. I have myself when my spouse first presented his femme self wearing a black skirt, push-up bra, lace panties and a white silk blouse, with four-inch heels that made him tower over me like a giraffe. I felt overwhelmed by his presence. What was more distributing was the change in his behavior. His tone of voice was altered, as was his demeanor. All I could think was, “What happened to my husband?” He was a man trying his best to act like a woman. It was surreal.
Yet, I sensed he was really enjoying his femme self and this obviously wasn’t the first time he had dressed, as he appeared extremely comfortable in his woman’s clothing. And, where did the clothing come from? He certainly wasn’t wearing my clothes! My first experience with him was on a Halloween with him wearing his “costume.” Yet I knew from the moment I saw him dressed that this was much more than play-acting.
This happened many years ago before the term “transgender woman” was ever used and transsexual and transvestite were very different terms. I never thought for once that he wanted to be a woman, but presenting as one, was painfully apparent to me. He never called himself a cross-dresser, yet he would ask me often if I wanted him to “dress.” How could I say No when he was so passionate about it? So, for many nights I drank martinis and watched him turn into a woman. I should have had a conversation with him sooner to delve deeper into his obsession with his femme self. I never wanted to hurt his feelings, yet I was dying inside, as was my sex drive.
What is troubling is that many years later, the dynamics in a marriage with a cross-dressing husband have not changed much, except for the fact more husbands are coming out after many years of hiding their need to dress. But the bad feelings and lack of communication continue to haunt most marriages, with little resolve. And we all know there are many cross-dressers in this world, millions of them who have a similar story and who are attempting to save their relationship with their wives and still be able to be more open about their femme side.
So can your marriage be saved? Maybe. Every relationship is different as in all marriages. The reason people marry extends beyond love and for some its financial security, the desire to have children or a fear of being alone. Many couples can ill afford to get divorced or are too tired to start all over. They never suspected they would have to start over and don’t even consider it an option. Instead, they stay in their marriage with their cross-dressing husband feeling angry that “he did this to them.” Resentment builds with every passing day, unless there is growth on both their parts to make their marriage work.
Cross-dressing men need to acknowledge and respect their wives boundaries in terms of their cross-dressing and what works for her. For some, she may never want to see it and for others it may be something they can do in the privacy of their own home. Some couples may venture out together as two women. It just depends on how close of a relationship you had in the past and how honest you are with one another about how you feel. I have said this many times but open communication is key.
We have a lot of work to do in the cross-dressing community. It starts with couples understanding and supporting one another. Anger and guilt solve nothing. We need more voices from the cross-dressers and their wives who stand by them. We need society to better understand them because at this point it doesn’t. It all starts with honesty, awareness and maturity. Cross-dressing needs to come out of the shadows and not be grouped into the fetish group or the transsexuals, as it is unique and deserves to be treated with respect and dignity. Only then will it be accepted.
Put it into perspective whats more important your marriage and relationship or the fact he likes to sometimes dress like a woman my heads over all this thanks to the blog and this forum and emails with Davina.
Yes a marriage can survive and thrive
Rebecca (Wife)
Loving your outlook and found perspective Emma
I remember your messages to my wife last year when you discovered he was crossdressing and how you've coped talked and moved on and past the worry and fretting.
I wont wax lyrical like Davina I read it with the other half last night both nodding along
Yes your marriage can survive crossdressing I fell like saying don't be so silly to think it can't its still him under the makeup and in that dress etc etc
Emma (Wife of a Crossdresser)
Cross-dressers….Can Your Marriage Survive?
Can your marriage survive cross-dressing is the question and the answer is Yes if you can get your head around the society views on Crossdressing and see it for what it’s not… As we will contest it’s a bit of fun, nothing serious, it’s separate from Transexualism or Transvetism as we don’t want to transform or live as women or do anything more than an occasional transformation for a bit of escapism from male life and we find it fun and a stress reliever – the why isn’t that important in the grand scheme of things is it? Compared to moving further along the Trans spectrum this is mere “Dressing up” and that’s how my wife thinks of it and to me that’s all it is.. Davina is not an alter Ego I just enjoy the few hours per month crossdressing.
Couples with a cross-dressing husband shouldn’t struggle to find a balance in their relationship in fact it shouldn’t affect a relationship if everything is out in the open and explained and occasional and all the fears of the wife or girlfriend dispelled and the option is be part of it or ask him to do it in private. There are worse things which could happen in a relationship which people make work so why not occasional Crossdressing?
WE all have a femme side but being Alpha macho males we hide it .. Even the Rock has a fem side and he’s a big burly wrestler but you can bet he has a Femme side which he will keep hidden.
My wife was probably expecting to see me dressed like a tart in fishnets etc but she was surprised to see me just crossdressed and another point trying to look convincing which is part of the fun of it her surprise was “OMG you look like a woman” thinking I expected a right tart of a drag queen...
If wives wish they never found out about their husband’s femme side then that’s ok also as they can ask their husband to keep it in the shaddows and do it in private leaving no trace. This however I feel and have found makes the husband feel like he’s still deceiving his wife sneaking around crossdressing behind her back. But if that’s the conditions so be it.
I feel it essential to have an honest transparent relationship especially with crossdressing to allay any fears a wife or GF may have about sexuality and other things which women worry about.
I don’t alter my voice as far as I know but my wife does say im different and nicer to her when I’m crossdressed maybe its the guilt thing and lowering the testosterone.
I guess it is an enjoyment of a Femme side which we dont dare show as men and this is our way of doing it and society mocks and dissaproves.
We’ve had the girls nights in 4 times since I told my wife and she’s known for over 10 years and she also had a few bottles of wine to cope with it lol once I drank champagne with her and wine on a saturday night and didn’t wakes up until Monday “Wine is the Devil” definitely not something a crossdresser should try to keep with character.. yuck… puck .. literally
My wife was fascinated though to see me transform on our 2nd girls night in where I insisted after that I dressed her and did her makeup which was fun.. she was amazed at how well I did both our makeup.
The thought of a wife dying inside and it affecting sex life is deeply troubling to us as Crossdressers and we could stop but then something would die inside us and our little simple occasional coping mechanism would be lost replaced with???
So this is why we strive to talk about it and find it so hard to talk about so maybe writing it down blood and guts all your feelings and fears is what’s needed.
lack of communication continue to haunt most marriages , and this is the sad thing as you don’t resolve anything by bottling it up and not talking communication is defiantly the key.
Crossdressing is not a valid reason for a marriage to end or we’d see far more divorces with women wearing mens clothes daily but seriously if its controlled, communicated well and agreements and boundaries are met and communication an open door but not over the top then isn’t this way of escapism from male life better than other more drastic options?
I would say Cross-dressing men do acknowledge and respect their wives boundaries in terms of their cross-dressing and what works for her and if men cross this boundary then they need to renegotiate and sometimes take a step back but be honest.
My wife initially never wanted to see it but we did progress to her meeting me crossdressed and it became something I can do in the privacy of my own home or in a hotel room when away with work and my wife’s ok seeing me. Recently during a night out drinking beer / wine crossdressing came up and we talked for a few hours in the pub about it (quietly) then back at home and I confessed a bucket list item of maybe venturing out together with me crossdressed to some crossdressing venue miles away.. something I um and arr about do I want to do it would it be ok maybe try it once and if we don’t like it that’s than and back to dressing at home but as the kids get older other alternative measures need to be considered.. I also discussed with her the possibility of meeting other crossdressers as blokes for a pint and her coming along .. this may mortify some people and again if we can plan something maybe we’ll do this soon.
Again communication is key.
It’s true however that Anger and guilt solve nothing and if you think of the wider scale and scheme of things so what he’s dressed as a woman in a few hours time he's back to the annoying arrogant alpha male you love again.
Davina