So I've had covid and although double jabbed it put me in hospital on oxygen attacking my lungs and now i'm led here bored and lacking energy a week on the sick from work.. 2nd week on the sick having not been sick and off work in the last 20 years.

I've been watching morning TV and This morning etc led here recuperating and also chatting to other t girls and RGs in TV Chix.

Giving life and things a lot of thought over the last 2 weeks my conclusion on crossdressing is why did i spend so many years worrying about it? It's dressing up for me makes me feel different, its escapism from my male life and it can be fun putting on makeup transforming yourself from man to what you hope looks as much like a woman as possible, i(a good wig and the right style is important) ts the feel of tights and heels and how they shape your legs, the feel of sexy lingerie and a dress and all the fun you can have with different dresses, different wigs, looks, makeup, blouses, boots, skirts .. did i mention i find trying all this stuff on fun? and at times it makes me feel sexy..

How is it fun i bet women will ask? hang on surely women off shopping and trying things on find it fun?

I'm led here and can't dress as Esme (wife) doesn't want the kids to know I crossdress and for good reason such as doesn't want their image of me their father to be misconstrued, how they'd think maybe i'm weak or a pervert or whatever they'd think, maybe nothing and also the risk they tell friends and the secret's out and an opinion of myself and of Esme herself formed by other kids sniggering and then parents etc etc as It isn't normal is it no matter how much I try to normalise it in general society crossdressing isn't a normal thing to do especially going full hog wig makeup aiming to pass to look like a woman etc.

That trans spectrum from trying on knickers to makeup and trying to look "real" (maybe I'll try to draw out a diagram of this in terms of my journey to my current end point as don't intend travelling further right)

So the kids can't know so I'm in drab recovering instead of sat / led here crossdressed. Would it enhance my recovery if i was crossdressed? who knows but it is theraputic.

I've not dressed since the first week of September and I've made excuse after excuse from still having that guilt of what Esme will think that I've worked from home crossdressed (this is stupid she will tell me) to I need to keep my stubble for manly reasons to I have a video call and I've got to be on cam so i can't dress.

I don't always have to be on cam.

I've made excuses to myself not to dress despite wanting to dress and needing to dress to unwind from stress of work.

I have decided in all this covid illness that I will dress from home more sod it its beneficial to my 'mental health' and Esme is ok with me dressing so why do i still have that bit of guilt for dressing .... just me being stupid.

Part of it is lack of quality time dressed, no hope of a night in as Davina just a few stolen hours when working from home maybe working from home dressed is not enough? it will have to do but it's over in a flash.

What I'm craving is to get all Davinas dresses down and try different looks and also have a good sort out of them all 50+ dresses needs a good sort out and would be nice to see Esme at the same time have a try on of her things and mine as love seeing her in a dress, skirt, heels etc.. Opportunity to have a girly night in is lacking.. Her sister would have the kids but what do we say "We need a night in together" kids be like we're not going anywhere we don't need baby sitting. Getting to that age.

Something else I thought of when ill in hospital is "I need to lessen my macho bullshit", I am macho, I'm thought of highly I suppose as a man, a professional, a coach, a father, a husband and a person and don't need to put on the additional macho front. I'm always right and I have a bad habit of cutting to the point and talking over people "this i have to stop"... my mind is saying you're wasting time you're going off on a tangent i have the answer here it is and I talk over people.. That has to be annoying shutting people down but its impatience and "I'm always right" .. I will make a conscious decision not to do this especially in work.

It's a ridiculous thing that we hide our emotions and that has to stop us men are doing ourselves no favours.

I thought I want to go home from hospital and hug my wife and kids and then I thought I think if I do that I'll cry (and i don't cry) as made me feel emotional to think of hugging them all after a health scare.. What sort of idiot denies himself a massive family hug as he doesn't want to be seen as having a tear run down his face.. Why do we condition ourselves as men like this?

So summing up

- I need to work less hours, that's a given.

- I need to take my foot off the accelerator in work,

- I need to show more positive emotions and not bottle up stress and angst

- I need to give others a chance to find solutions and ideas

- I must diet and get fit again and feel better about myself

- Seeing as it does help i need to stop making excuses to myself not to crossdress as very soon with my oldest doing GCSEs opportunity even to dress working from home will dissapear.

I'm a crossdresser, it's fun and harmless and all the angst about dressing and telling my wife and worrying about her worrying about crossdressing etc is all a waste of time.. It's harmless, it's fun and it's fun we can have together, a shared joke and shared knowledge when someone says omg you're such an alpha male lol yes one who loves stockings and high heels and makeup and dresses to unwind and relax.

I suppose I'm in a better position than most with Esme knowing and accepting me as a Crossdresser.

I wish more wives would be as open minded about this phenomenon as it causes far too much fear and angst among the crossdresser and their other half and it's needless.. there is more in life we worry about.. crossdressing shouldn't be one of points to worry about as it's merely a construct of society it's just clothing, makeup and an image something someone says isn't normal (I said that myself).

It's harmless and can be beneficial to the mental health of men somehow.. don't worry about the why and trust me it works.

Davina