By: Claire Tgirl

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: frosty wife

Still communicating via messaging Davina she's asked lots of questions and we've gone over the bi curiosity and explained it's not really bi curiosity as I'd never act anything out physically it's just flirty stuff me in character as Claire.

I definitely dont lust after men but it's nice to get a message giving a compliment it does wonders for ones crossdressed ego.

See above my comment on how stunning some tgirls can look you included Davina.

By: Davina

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: frosty wife

Hope ll is well Claire and as Sindy commented it's great you're communicating so keep that up! and open invite to Claires wife to come in and chat if you feel it might help we don't bite.. As Katies said I may be biase towards crossdressing being one and gone through the thought process about why I do it and concluding I just do and it does no harm so lets see if I can help others reach the same conclusion..

I've been through the rule setting with my wife "if you have to do it do it when I'm not here"... you left lingerie on the bed new rule when I'm not here leave no evidence "to I want to know when youre doing it send me a text so I can avoid or let you know when I'm coming home" so as Jedi Master Sindy says "be respectful with the dressing when your wife is out"

My wife came home a few times without text and me upstairs saying just getting changed so again sindys right it can seriously wear thin when you don't feel free to come and go from your own home for fear of bumping into your husband's alter ego if you forget to text the code.

I'm one of the lucky ones whos wife marched upstairs with a cup of tea and met me face to face on her own impulse her own terms and she was pleasantly surprised and here we are..

The post by Katie above asks some interesting questions and Sindy View is "I don't really understand the 'not gay' comment followed by you not minding TGirls when dressed. I often read this from crossdressers. Sorry, but dressing up as a woman doesn't absolve your 'male side' of these thoughts. Unless you're literally suffering schizophrenia, you're definitely not heterosexual. Straight people don't have sexual thoughts about their own gender - that's what defines us as straight. Bisexuals do. Gay people do"

But is it something you physically (knowing your wifes reading this) would act out or is it the image some t girls can portray and a blasé thing you've quoted?

Sindy - Is this why some men crossdress - because it makes them feel less gay if they only lust after men when dressed as a woman?? That's actually very sad. It's like internalized homophobia or something.

I don't think Claire is saying when dressed as a woman she lusts after men and certainly don't think its why the majority of men crosddress "I'm certainly not Gay"

This kinda answers Katies question as us men don't mind if our wives were bisexual but doesn't work like that the other way round.

Keep up the communication Claire and now you've mentioned bi curiosity you'd better explain it to your wife as she will be thinking all sorts

By: Sindy

Subject: Re: Re: Re: frosty wife

Well it's great you're communicating so keep that up!

Just one thought - be respectful with the dressing when your wife is out. The code is a good idea but it can seriously wear thing when you don't feel free to come and go from your own home for fear of bumping into your husband's alter ego if you forget to text the code. It might seem a small thing for you if your wife accidentally sees you dressed. It's not small. It's monumental and unless she's ready for that it could literally destroy your image in her eyes. I speak from experience and its taken YEARS for me to claw back that relationship we first had.

That's the doom and gloom side as someone's gotta mention it. Seems it's my job here lol. You and your wife will figure out what you need together and my experience won't necessarily be yours but it doesn't hurt to warn of the complications. Also, I don't really understand the 'not gay' comment followed by you not minding TGirls when dressed. I often read this from crossdressers. Sorry, but dressing up as a woman doesn't absolve your 'male side' of these thoughts. Unless you're literally suffering schizophrenia, you're definitely not heterosexual. Straight people don't have sexual thoughts about their own gender - that's what defines us as straight. Bisexuals do. Gay people do. Suggesting otherwise sounds awfully like denial, and blaming the crossdressing just strikes me as a cop out. Is this why some men crossdress - because it makes them feel less gay if they only lust after men when dressed as a woman?? That's actually very sad. It's like internalized homophobia or something.

But, that aside for only you can figure this part out, if you act respectfully, don't make your life about crossdressing, continue on the relationship as usual and communicate, I think you'll be okay.

By: CLAIRE TGIRL

Subject: Re: Re: frosty wife

Yes Sindy shes reading all this

To be honest Davina is right again as we've been communicating by text and writing to one another more than talking and it's helping (isnt it wife :))

We've had long discussions over the weekend over Skype her typing in one room questions me answering from another room.

Its good as you can ask a question or give an answer put it honestly and press send and its gone its out there its read.

She asked me is I was gay and then I typed no then she asked if I was bisexual and I typed not as male me but I feel different as Claire not for men but for other women and maybe T girls but also backed that up with I would never do anything sexual with anyone its just one of those things maybe a fantasy.

There was a long pause before she wrote back to that but she then asked if id ever met anyone dressed which is a no as its just something I do at home when home alone but admitted I do chat to other tgirls and wives on line.

she has told me that if I am to continue dressing up if it helps in whatever way then she wants it hidden doesn't want to see it and if I am dressed and think she might be home were to use some sort of code so she knows I might be dressed.

I've asked her to come into here to add her thoughts too and as Katie suggested chat via here to the wives or ask for their emails to chat off line but so far she has declined.

She has found some of Davinas blog amusing which is good that she is seeing its not all about being serious about crossdressing and also that its an urge which comes and goes.

I think we are on the right track and I'm being open and honest but we cant verbally talk about it yet so skype typing will have to continue

By: Katie

Subject: Re: frosty wife

Human beings are full of biases and it really depends on your wife's starting point. If she thinks it's wrong then she will find plenty of sites confirming that you are basically the spawn of the devil! I remember reading some comments on a site after my wife found out and it was really depressing.

What she really needs is to talk to rational people who have actually experienced it first hand from her side of the fence.

I think that a crossdresser can explain everything from their point of view as Davina does so eloquently here but at the end of the day Davina is biased towards crossdressing.

I'm sure that getting answers from Sindy, Emma and Hannah may help her to understand that the world isn't going to collapse and that maybe it is something she can come to terms with given time.

I would encourage her to post any questions here and if she only wants answers from other wives then make it clear. I'm sure that they would all be willing to help all they can in easing her fears.

By: Sindy

Subject: Re: frosty wife

I guess she knows you're called Claire then!

I hope you can work through this, and that's good news nothing has been thrown out in upset/anger. It's hard you can't dress to unwind but we all go through tough times where we can't indulge hobbies or whatever due to other issues. This is one of them. You'll survive!

Keep us posted.

By: CLAIRE TGIRL

Subject: frosty wife

Wife's still frosty

So far no more mention of throwing things out and she's working her way through Davinas advice and making notes but wanted to research alone on here taking Davinas thought I to account and his wife's and also looking at other I formation on the www trying to get her head around it.

I feel so guilty there's been no Claire time and right now could do with unwinding but never mind.

By: Katie

Subject: Re: Re: Wife found out

Best summed up as 'Love and understanding'.

By: Sindy

Subject: Re: Wife found out

Ahhh, not cool! That must have been a kick to the stomach for your wife. Remember that reality when you're contemplating what to do or say next - she literally feels hurt, shocked and like she fell off a building! Anything she says right now might be more charged than a NASA rocket!

The next step is up to her in many ways. All you can do is tell her you're happy to answer any questions she has but until then you'll pack 'Claire' out of sight (and don't tell her you call yourself Claire just yet as I suspect that will be too much!) and you won't involve her unless she wants that. You've been hiding it all this time anyway and now is NOT the time to decide to indulge.

I would consider doing what Davina did and writing down the full history of when you started, why, how long and why you felt you couldn't tell her. Remember to add that she has literally been married to a crossdresser all this time but just didn't know it, so who she married hasnt changed. It's only her perception of you that's now under threat and you're determined to prove her fears are unfounded.

Anyway, you can let her know you've written a letter and when she's ready, you'd like her to read it. While Davina's wife freaked out at the reality that he dressed since a kid, it wasn't the kid part I'm guessing that shocked her. That mostly makes us feel more compassionate and willing to understand as kids are innocent and don't do these things to hurt others, and many adults carry childhood habits they keep secret. I'm sure it was how loooooong the secret was kept and that can hurt A LOT.

But hey, look at Davina and his wife now! Good things can come of all this, too. But not knowing your wife makes it hard to know which way things will go, but also know I'm one of the wives who doesn't like crossdressing and prefers not to be involved, but with boundaries and respect I'm still married and I hope it stays that way.

Good luck. x

By: Davina

Subject: Re: Re: Wife found out

Good advice from Katie

Write down for yourself what you want to say, read it back and surmise what your wife may react with.

I wrote my wife a letter pouring it all out to the time she dressed me up not realising I was a crossdresser back to humble beginnings crossdressing as kid... that freaked her out more but I wanted her to know it wasn't a sexuality thing as as a kid crossdressing was more the feel of clothing and in fact sexuality didn't pop into my head until I told her I crossdressed and she asked me if I was gay!! NO!

you need to talk don't let it go quiet but don't jump in two footed as you'll get a red card

Tell her you want to explain and she needs to hear you out or as Katie says write a letter let her read it but be there to answer questions along the way and tell her you want to be there to answer her thoughts and queries.

have faith initial reaction is shock and awe things will settle down with the right communication

We're here if you need advice or want to use us as a sound board and there are a few wives who contribute here too who I'm sure will end advice

God luck but throw nothing out!!

By: Katie

Subject: Re: Wife found out

Hi Claire

I know that this is going to be a very emotional period for both of you. Your wife will probably have all sorts of thoughts rushing through her head at the moment as she comes to terms with your crossdressing. She's probably got loads of questions but until she is ready she may not want to talk about it.

I think that advice in the 'My perspective Help and Advice' section is really good and that you should read trough it a few times in preparation. I'm not particularly good at communication myself and have always found putting things down on paper to be easier. It means that I can get the message across in the right way, there is nothing worse than saying something that comes out wrong. If you're like that too then maybe a letter would be a good starting point. It also clarifies things in your own mind.

I think that you need to reassure your wife that you love her and that crossdressing is not a reflection on her and doesn't change the way you feel. She needs to be reassured that you are not about to change or that she will lose the man she married. You still need to be the man in the marriage and a father to the children. You are still the same person but she now knows a little more about you than she probably bargained for!

Her view of you may change. Sindy makes this point in her posts but equally she may take it all on board and be able to accept in the way that Emma does. Without knowing your wife it's really difficult to comment on how things might pan out but the fact that she hasn't kicked you out is a positive. The throwing things away and stopping is an immediate reaction and given time she and communication she maybe able to accept that it is something you need to do.

Maybe try and hold onto everything, it's expensive to replace, but let her know that you won't dress again until you have had time for you both to speak and for her to understand why it is so important that you do dress. Get some ground rules in place about when and where you can dress etc.

My wife knows but we never talk about it and she has no interest in what I do. We just get on with our lives, to a degree, as if nothing happened. That is her way of coping and accepting.

I guess that reading this blog may help her and speaking to other wives and partners may help her to realise that she is not alone. It really depends on how willing she is to understand and you are only going to be able judge that by talking to her.

I don't think there are any 'angles' she just needs understand more about the motivations and reasons for crossdressing. Then she can form her own opinion.

Good luck and I hope it works out for both of you.