Doing fine Davina

We enjoy a girls night in once per month don’t that make you jealous lol.

I am also insisting I see he is stressed with work that he works from home dressed to unwind.

I come home he’s usually back male mode and chilled so it works.

Davina you gotta start talking to your wife again make the girls night in fun give her a makeover stick one of your blonde Wigs on her lol have fun with it.

Em (Eg Wife)

Katie, if women are a trigger for crossdressing, then yep, I'd agree you're all sort of screwed. We are literally everywhere lol. I guess you'd have to get yourself thrown in an all-male jail to give yourself a break!!

And Davina, all this discussion is about public dressing, not the occasional private dressing. Wives can mostly look beyond that and some even find it fun, like Emma. But public dressing is a different beast altogether - it's a statement about that person to the world, and that's what causes the issues because unless the wife was onboard with it from day one, then it's seriously akin to finding out your husband has been cheating. You can feel like you married a complete stranger, The forum I used to chat on many moons ago (before it closed) had about 20 regular wives and EVERY ONE OF THEM felt as hurt as if her husband has said he'd cheated. In fact, one husband publicly crossdresser AND cheated and his wife was far more upset about the dressing!

I don't think men realise how much affect their behavior can have on the mental health of a spouse. I'm sure we wives also have a similar affect on you, for different reasons. But it can be a very upsetting situation and I really would caution any man thinking about becoming more public that he talk to his partner first. If she's not behind it, and it's something he must do, then I seriously think the marriage is best being annulled.

.... and of course it's perfectly ok for a woman to go out dressed as a man still..

Talking of changing the dynamic again it's perfectly ok for a woman to stop making an effort for her partner, stopping putting on makeup, stopping wearing dresses, sexy lingerie, high heels without any consultation that's not changing the marriage? but if the man changes how he looks its a deal breaker especially if he decides to dress as a woman, after all a man can't have feelings or emotions. the womens lib society wins again how long before we can say it's sexist to deny crossdressing?

Dressing around others feels like cheating? why?

We deny our wives the right to have feelings? again we're not allowed feelings too?

How on earth is it comparable to say if I went out dressed as a woman my wife could expect to have sex with men? that's warped.

Would it feel just a loss if I were to spend every evening from 1700-2300 in the pub? with my mates? or would that be ok? compared to once or twice going to a trans event crossdressed ? not talking in public here at all. and who says trans events are seedy?

The asking her to come along is an open and honest thing wanting to be with her for her to see its not seedy and may even be fun who knows until you try it?

There are plenty of marriages that ended because one partner came out as gay so I don't agree that the partners of gay men and women share the same traits. I know one guy who was 60 when he left his wife for another man. He had two grown up chldren by then but I can honestly say his wife didn't share his traits apart from finding men attractive!

The fact that marriages end in divorce because of crossdressing just proves how hard the habit is to kick. Many of the men are distraught that their marraige is ending but they still can't kick the habit. Yes, we maybe able to restrain but I honestly believe that this would cause more mental anguish and may lead to further problems down the line. Is an alcohloic ever cured? No but at least you can remove temptation. Have you ever tried avoiding women! If I don't dress then I think about dressing. That's not cured that just hiding it away causing more anxiety.

Katie

I'm not entirely sure the Star Wars convention wouldn't also be a deal breaker! lol

And there is harm in it. Sorry, but saying there isn't just denies wives the right to their own feelings. I remember chatting to a wife who was so appalled at her husbands forays into public dressing that she told him she was seeing other men if he kept it up. That's how much like cheating it felt to her, and how big the loss was. She felt her husband had gone. It's irrelevant too, that it might only happen twice a year. Would you be okay with your wife cheating, as long as it only happened twice a year?

Dressing around others feels like you're cheating! When you crossdress in public for the world to see and engage with that world as a woman, you are putting aside the husband your wife married, the father of your kids, and spending your time as someone else. In many ways, you're spending your time with another woman. You can't ignore that fact. Or the pain it can cause for a wife who never signed on for that. I don't know that a trans event would even be better than Tescos, as I know those events can come with some distinctly seedy types. Again, how are we meant to process all this? And asking her to come along so it's all 'legit' is an even weirder request. Seriously, you try spending time with another adult wearing a costume in public and see how you like it. When that person is your spouse? I am surprised the wives of public crossdressers aren't completely insane.

And yes, you only live once and this crossdressing business wasn't a choice. But marrying women and having kids was a choice! So too is any behavior that comes along with these crossdressing urges. You literally won't die if you never dress again. Every time you act on the urge, you make a choice. To say otherwise is nonsense. Choosing to publicly present as a woman is one you'd better be doing with your wife's full blessing, or you're changing the marriage dynamic and the consequences could be very real. You just need to read up on your own crossdressing forum (crossdressers.com) to see the results of men who pushed this envelope. I'd love to see the actual divorce stats related to crossdressing behavior, but my guess is the rate rises sky high once Robert decides he will take Roberta out on the town.

Sigh. But men will keep on doing it. Crossdressing might be as innate as being gay, Katie, but at least the partners of gay men and women share that trait. Women don't share crossdressing and are not usually compatible with the behavior, so it can only ever be managed like any other problem, and that means the crossdresser finding ways to minimise the damage it can cause. Anything else is a bonus.

Stress levels will subside soon I hope and the financial side we'll just have to be careful with but not ready to chase more promotions just yet tho i'd get a lot more money if I did but also more stress.

Winning the lottery would help to an extent but wouldn't stop me crossdressing.

Its the pride in me won't let me be beaten and the fact I'm labelled an expert in my field nationally a title I won't let slip.

I understand Sindys response to an extent but yes Katie you've added many truths in what you've written.

When I say i'd like to go out dressed I don't mean down to Tesco or to the pub I mean to a trans event where i assume being crossdressed is a given and would like my wife with me but if i had to for the experiance I may have to try alone although she doesn't want me to do it.

I suppose without her blessing I'd better not but as they say you only live once and what harm would it really do to meet socially with others for a cuppa which the wife probably assumes is some den of iniquity.

Hardly a marriage ender what if I was to go out to a starwars convention dressed as a stormtrooper no that's ok but dont dress as a woman... Maybe that's the answer makup stockings lingerie ... under stormtrooper armour.

Hi Sindy

I'm a little confused as to how crossdressing in public is a break in the marriage vows as far as the man is concerned, if you look at it literally.

I, ____, take you, ____, to be my lawfully wedded (husband/wife), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.

In fact you could argue that not allowing crossdressing was a breaking of the marriage vow by the wife! I will only accept the 'for better, for richer and in health' bits. Any of the other bits and you're out of the door.

'Wives can feel betrayed, embarrassed and cheated, and then forced into accepting it, because he's depressed and his 'feminine self' needs more expression. Amazing how these same men completely forget that their wives didn't marry a female and by going out as this 'woman' he is essentially ending the relationship she assumed they had. Seriously, let that sink in for a moment, because many wives DO feel this way. The betrayal is very deep.'

Nobody is forcing anything on anybody. As you say the wife is free to walk away from the marriage. If she chooses to stay and support her husband then that is her choice too. The whole point of marriage is that it is give and take. If it becomes unbalanced then it won't work. If a husband decided to transition to live full time as a woman then I can understand that the dynamics would have completely changed. But something done once in a while is hardly marrying a female. My wife has never seen me dressed so how could she possibly be married to a female? I only ever exibit male attributes to her.

Is it better to let you husband spiral into depression with all the problems that can bring or let him slip into some nice lingerie every so often?

I think that many wives just think that crossdressing is a stupid hobby that their husband can just give up if he wants to. They don't get the mental anguish that it brings to their husband - god I'd give it up tomorrow if I thought I could. Life would be so much easier. Maybe it is a mental issue that could be 'cured' with CBT but you try getting the help. What if it's the same as being gay, something you can't knock out of someone, something deep in your DNA. Would the aversion therapy practiced on gay men really help - that was tantermount to tourture! Would you really want to menatally damage your husband in the hope of a cure?

I know that you can bring up the betrayal arguement but we've had this discussion so many times. I didn't intend to 'betray' my wife. I thought my crossdressing days were over when I got married and they were for a good few years. It was only a stressful episode that bought it back. I don't think anyone ever goes into a marriage expecting to betray their sposue but they do in many different way.

Katie

Hi Davina

I know how you feel.

It's always hard to complain when there are people in other parts of the world who are in far worse postitions than you but it is only human nature to look at your own life and wish it were better.

I only want a simple stress free life but it never seems to be that way. I take on far too much as I don't like to let people down which means my stress levels increase as I try to keep up. I've got running the football club, DIY, work and even taken up cricket to help out some friends. I find it hard to say no when I know I should.

It does sound pathetic at times (in the whole scheme of things) but not being able to dress over the summer holidays just increases the stress levels. Maybe they should put crossdressing on the NHS!

Katie

It sounds like you're under a lot of stress, Davina. That's not good. I hope you're finding some way to get the occasional moment of peace.

As for the public dressing, well, I have my own thoughts on that. Basically I think it's a break in the marriage vows on so many levels. It seems that husbands can find all kinds of ways to justify the behavior, but essentially what they forget to acknowledge is that heading out into the world as a completely different person to whom their wives married is a HUGE misrepresentation of her and the relationship and not much different to heading out the door with a mistress on his arm. Wives can feel betrayed, embarrassed and cheated, and then forced into accepting it, because he's depressed and his 'feminine self' needs more expression. Amazing how these same men completely forget that their wives didn't marry a female and by going out as this 'woman' he is essentially ending the relationship she assumed they had. Seriously, let that sink in for a moment, because many wives DO feel this way. The betrayal is very deep.

But you have to do what you have to do, Davina. I just hope you can keep your head and realise that even the strongest marriages can break under stress, and public crossdressing has killed many a strong marriage.

Now into my 40s been dressing since I was about 6 to some extent.

Loved the feel of silk and nylon on my skin.

Graduated as a teenager to trying on lingerie and fantasising about women as a typical teenager getting off on it.

Met my GF now wife and crossdressing all but ceased tho guilty when we moved in together of trying her things on.

We were struck with some debt which spiralled me into stress having to chase promotions in work and the urge in my mid to late 20s returned crossdressing which helped with the stress somehow.

Not long after my wife asked if she could put makeup on me and dress me up as a woman... thinking she'd sussed me I said yes and for the first time had on makeup and was dressed as a woman in front of her.

I admitted there and then that I'd crossdressed before she cried told me to get the makeup and dress lingerie etc off we talked she asked if I was gay was it her fault did I want a sex change all Nos.

Into my 30s talking about dressing very hard to bring up and discuss but set many rules about dress without her knowing, then dress she wanted to know I was doing it to avoid it, then ok to dress upstairs with her downstairs.. kids coming along changed this slightly not wanting them to know.

Bought a wig new enjoyment in crossdressing to try to look convincing took photos and showed the wife her comment "I don't get it you look like a woman but why?"

The Blog was born "Why do men crossdress?"which I found therapeutic and concluded I have no idea entirely why we crossdress there are many reasons.

One day working from home as "Davina" a name nothing more my wife came up with a cup of tea and met me as Davina for the first time.

We've had a few girls nights in and shes ok seeing me dressed working from home and knows I dress if away with work sometimes in my hotel room which may be my only chance to dress as the kids get older further limiting opportunity to unwind.

A 2nd brush with debt put me in what was probably depression along with stress at a time when work was on top of me and I had to reapply for my job in a restructuring in work again this strange hobby came to the rescue offering escapism.

Currently lucky if I can get an opportunity once per month mainly when in a hotel room away with work if there alone.

Still find it hard to talk to my wife about crossdressing but our last conversation I outlined how I was a lil bored dressing behind closed doors and that I might want to see how it would feel going out dressed.. she said ok at first if miles away but recently has gone back on it not wanting me to go out dressed as a woman..

The debt although handled is a constant worry and causes me as much stress and bouts of depression as work reminded by a recent annual summary this week which was like a punch to the gut reminder.

I don't think my wife realises the effect this all has on me as us men bottle all our feelings up and also doesn't realise the temporary healing effect of crossdressing and that's where I am at the moment... not having 2 weeks abroad this year to switch off work hasnt helped as the year passes by at a rate of knots...