I hear what you say about wanting to touch the lingerie in m&s as a kid. But 40 years later there you are in John Lewis in the womenswear department and there’s a whole new dimension to the experience. You love it and you’re nervous and on edge at the same time. You furtively admire the clothes, row upon row of dresses, blouses, skirts, trousers, mind boggling variety, colours, fabrics. You go from one concession to another, trying to look casual and unimpressed, and the styles and fabrics change, the women customers seem to be collectively enjoying the experience. You imagine being able to wear these clothes at leisure and trying to match them with shoes and accessories. Then you reluctantly leave this wonderland and go to menswear, most of the blokes look embarrassed to be holding boring trousers and boring jackets against their bodies, it’s painful and awkward. It’s like the opposite of narcissism...it’s clothes pessimism. Then you leave and secretly congratulate yourself, thank fuck I’m a crossdresser! Erm, more wine please...

I got your point about innocence Katie and was the same for me as Batman in tights at around 6 years of age and touching the silky lingerie in M&S, but I knew what i was doing when i was about 10 with the catalogues and fancying girls and women and seeking out lingerie to try on so was not so innocent then as touching myself when dressed and becoming turned on by it was a feature early on for me as a kid.

I wasn't told it was wrong to touch the silky lingerie, my mother never said stop doing that its wrong she said stop touching things and as I was a rebel and saw nothing wrong with touching the lingerie in M&S I carried on doing it even in BHS and other places as loved the feel of it.

Why stop doing something that's harmless if you like doing it ingrained in me very young so zero guilt for doing something I saw no wrong in disobeyed my mother and would run my hand across the sillky stuff every time as a young kid and yes in view of my mother who probably gave up telling me not to do it.

No guilt or shame as liked the feel of the lingerie mainly the silky nighties etc.

The innocent part for me changed at around 10 with trying on lingerie, no longer Batman as he didn't wear french knickers i don't think unless that's never put in the DC comics and he did dress to unwind. At 10 I hid i was doing this but again didn't think i was doing any harm as i'd fantasise about women whilst wearing the sexy lingerie I'd love to see women in .. Allo Allo didn't help the stockings heels and lingerie on Vikki Michelle and others.

Even the Gestapo were in on the act

This could be and should also be in my thread on influences as i'd tuned in as it was very funny but also as i'd drool over these actress's in sexy lingerie stockings and heels with a pillow on my lap.

I had no guilt or bad feelings as a kid when crossdressing as I've said apart from when I'd cum and then like most we get this weird feeling wash over us like the brainwashing someone has done to us has washed away and we quickly undress and think what am i doing but we know we'll do it again as it felt nice.

I've never thought that much about my feelings as dressing wasn't every 5 mins, once per day or once per week it was when a chance arose and i was home alone which wasn't often.

I didn't think what society thought about it every until telling Esme I was a crossdresser and she asked if i was Gay I'd never really considered why i was doing it i just was from time to time and enjoyed how it made me feel and how the clothing felt on me .. Telling Esme kicked off guilt not for dressing but for putting her through being married to a crossdresser.

Les Dawson dressed as a woman so did other comics of the time and i never ever thought oh he must want to be a woman, Kenny Everett dressed as a woman and at the time i didn't consider him to be gay although he was actually gay but the crossdressing didnt make him gay.

Is it any wonder our wives, partner and society in general think the same thing?

I get your point but did society think Les Dawson wanted to be a woman or was gay? or any other comics dressing in drag? it wasn't the mainstream fun making it was the more hidden side to it back then maybe the sex clubs and swingers scenes and all that from what I can see that's set up this societal thought that crossdressing is seedy, gay and men who dress must want to be women.. It's such an old fashioned approach to analysis of why crossdressing happens.

My coming to terms is summed up as a kid

6-10 innocent Batman wore tights I was batman (I still am as far as the kids are concerned)

10 upwards i really kicked off my fancying and fantasising about women, puberty etc first erection and first orgasm was crossdressed but i didn't stop and wasn't guilty about doing it.

15-19 hardly did it too many distractions like Sport sport and sport

19-23 had been dating Esme and a good sex life avoiding squeaky beds and virtually stopped.

23-27 we'd moved in together and married and i tried a few of Esmes things on when home alone again not regularly but somewhere in there she asked to dress me up as a woman..

maybe 27 ish was when she asked to dress me as a woman first time fully dressed with makeup way past innocence i loved seeing myself fully transformed just needed a wig to see how id really look as a woman..

27-30 it kicked off i was dressing more and got that wig

30-45 we've had some stressful times and I've chased promotions and stress has become a factor and dressing a part of how i deal with the stress as well as transforming fully enjoying getting made up and changed and my escapism which is where I am today.

Davina

The point I was trying to make is that most of us start our crossdressing from the point of childhood innocence. It is not some sexual perversion just children exploring their world.

I don't mean taught as in a formal lesson but being told that you cannot wear your sisters clothes or telling you off for touching the silky underwear in M&S is still being taught 'right from wrong' according to societies rules.

@Davina once you had be told it was wrong to touch the silky underwear you would have learnt and that would have induced some guilt. Did you do it again in view of your mother? If not then lesson learnt. Did it mean you had to do it in secret? Why, because you felt some sort of guilt or shame?

What starts as us being innocent children can quickly escalate into us feeling ashamed of what we do despite the fact that we want to do it more.

My feeling were as a result of my experience of society. If you dress as a woman you must want to be a woman or you are trying to attract me and therefore gay. Is it any wonder our wives, partner and society in general think the same thing if that is what society can teach a small boy. It was very confusing when you're going through puberty, hormones are everywhere but you still want to dress as a girl.

This is the bagged I've carried around for so long. Something I still haven't come to term with 100%.

Katie x

For me it wasn't Tarzan it was black tights "Batman" and blue tights "Superman"

I remember liking the feel and also walking through M&S id run my hands through silky things and my mother would always tell me off, but I was always Batman or Superman and the tights were part of the superhero dress up not considered womens or my mothers things..

I was much older 10 or 11 maybe when i discovered marshall wards catalogue and littlewoods etc and started having crushes on girls and teachers and other women and the lingerie pages got my attention and curiosity if my mother had lingerie like the models in the catalogues and she did and silky things and they felt nice ... and then felt nice on and the secret crossdresser was born.

I hid it as it became a turn on, as I've said before my first erection was in french knickers stockings and heels and my first orgasm wondering what was wrong with me but it felt nice and started a new stage in my occasional crossdressing.. the masturbation stage. I didn't feel shame or guilt (not until i'd cum anyway then you get the weird what am i doing guilt).

I've never once thought "do i want to be a woman" never entered my thoughts at all nor did i ever think "am i gay" i fancied women not men and it wasn't until Esme said to me "Are you Gay?" when I admitted I was a crossdresser.. It had never crossed my mind to think that nor crossed my mind that Esme would ask that.. it set me back.

What if I got caught - did cross my mind but i was always careful although my fav lingerie and heels and the stockings i'd wear going missing told me that my mother must have known and removed them..

As far as i was concerned no one else did this apart from me an age of innocence is right no internet .. was crossdresser in an encyclopedia?? nope i don't think so. If i had to grow up again i'd probably still crossdress and I'd still tell Esme but i know a lot more now than i did when i told her thanks to my blog and this forum so may have handled that a bit different.

What i do know is her asking to dress me up as a woman out of the blue kick started my dressing again and more regularly and pushed me on the path to wanting to dress fully with makeup and get a wig how would i look and then the bucket list if i look passable enough out in public.

Suzanne I agree with the feel of silky things that appealed to me when i was young as mentioned above.

Agree that Societal norms are are implied by default, there is no sit down with your Dad where he says "Listen son there's something you should know .. Crossdressing.. don't do it son its weird and perverted and people will assume you're gay"

It was more you go play with a toy gun and soldiers, play football rugby and cricket and come to watch live sport with me,,

Good post

Davina

I know I was young when I tried on my mums nylon slip in the bathroom. I've no idea where the urge to do that came from, I did, I liked it, the feel of the material on my skin was a sensation I had not felt before (boys clothes didn't feel like that did they) so I continued to do it. I'd argue Societal norms are not really taught, they are implied by default, boys dress in boys clothes and girls dress in girls clothes. That was (and generally is) the way as I never saw any of my "mates' dressing in girls clothes if we went round to play etc. When I'm away, as now, I tend to sleep in a nylon or satin slip with wide shoulders, not the really thin straps as they dig in so badly, as I like the feel of it on my body. I've just been trying some dresses on and the choice of fabrics and feel of them on my skin are what draws me to them so there is definitely something to be said for the expression of my feminine side and the femininity of the clothes that I choose to buy and to wear. I'm sure I've seen something about a celeb mum (I think it was Emma Willis though I could be wrong - I'm not a fan of hers btw) and the choice of clothing etc one of her children was making which she would not object to or change. It was about growing up and finding your own way in life but not everybody is as accepting as she seems to be but it will be a LOT easier to be accepted in that situation if you continue to choose to wear girls/women's clothes as you grow up.