This seems to be a popular topic at the moment and so it got me thinking how this affects us as crossdressers. In a nutshell cognitive dissonance is used to describe the mental discomfort that results from holding two conflicting beliefs, values, or attitudes. People tend to seek consistency in their attitudes and perceptions, so this conflict causes feelings of unease or discomfort.
I think the classic is 'I am a crossdresser' and 'Crossdressing is wrong'. This is a conflict that many of us have to resolve in our own minds before we can progress. We are bought up from a young age thinking that crossdressing is wrong, we hide behind our armour fearing discovery. At the same time we accept that we are crossdressers so this conflict goes on.
Normally to resolve the dissonance we can change the thought, change the behaviour or add another thought. It is difficult o change the fact that we are a crossdresser, however, we can change the though that crossdressing is wrong. I addition by adding thoughts that crossdressing benefits us in someway ( it reduces stress) can also help to reduce the dissonance.
For our wives and partners I think that the normal dissonance is that they are relaxed about men crossdressing as long as it is not their husband. This can cause a lot of conflict for our wives. To stop this it means that they must either stop their husband from crossdressing or need to find a way to change that thought or introduce other thoughts to countenance the negative thoughts. I think we all know that stopping a man from crossdressing is very difficult. If you add that fact that women are quite often relaxed about crossdressers it really only leaves the alternatives which are understanding and eductions.
I think that many of the accepting wives here have learnt to overcome the negative thoughts and introduced positive thoughts as a way of overcoming the dissonance.
I think that it would be useful to other crossdressers to understand what thoughts these wives have introduced. What processes they went through to come to terms with their husbands crossdressing. Do they agree that many women are OK with crossdressing? Casual observation from crossdressers out in public is that women are very accepting and even protective.
Are there any other conflicts that arise from our crossdressing. Be keen to understand and learn more.
Katie x
Nice to read your acceptance Chelle x
Also nice to hear from new member Liz x Hope to hear more from you both here as chat seems to be picking up again.
This ones a good subject.
Emma (Wife)
I got a fabulous pair of pjs as a secret Christmas gift and the we went and got her the matching nightie lol! š
We went to Clarkās and I tried on my size and the comfortability of the foot wear and then bought it in her size
Please donāt apologise, you have nothing to apologise for- everyone are different and I think I maybe an anomaly- when Rachel first admitted to me he was a CD I was appalled by the toe crushing shoes and recommended that we need to shop Clarkās for the wider more comfortable shoes and sandals lol!
Rachel has had a ball trying on her new things, however not been able to stay in her outfits due to a family member still lives with us.
I have asked Rachel as recently as yesterday about her introduction to cross dressing but doesnāt remember how it started but I will be here when she finally does remember š
I went through 95 pages of dresses on boohoo last week and ordered 4 i think will suit me and Esme.. discovered I'm into the skater dress type and floral or plain.
looking forward to the dresses arriving but when i'll get to wear them all dolled up i don't know yet.
Seems you two have crossdressing sussed.
Davina
I love the fact that Rachel can sit scrolling through the womenās section online and ask my opinion on the things she likes and I know that she is immensely happy doing this and that makes me happy š
Personally I was brought up not to be biased to anyone neither colour, sexuality or religious beliefs- clearly my parents were and still are amazing š I have personally always felt more comfortable in trousers, jeans and leggings and even as a small child being the youngest of 3 with 2 older brothers would rather wear my brothers hand me downs rather than the beautiful dresses my talented Mum made for me by her own fair hand.
Speaking to Rachel in regards to her past this seemed to be a constant ritual of dressing, guilt and purging and that canāt be good mentally- I have my own mental issues and definitely wouldnāt want to add to Rachelās, Iāve always been honest with Rachel about my past and she has been accepting and never judged me.
I watched the video and thought it made a lot of sense in regards to day to day life rationalising what we do and donāt do and explaining it away to ourselves such as dieting giving up smoking or drinking and how next week is a better time to start such things.
Rachel and I did have some time together over the festive period and she did very well for Christmas š
To be honest I havenāt accessed the link yet as family are around at the moment so donāt know what it means- thatās why I havenāt commented as yet but I will š
Hi Chelle have you got any thoughts on this cognitive dissonance? You seem to have acceptance in the bag. Davina
Hi Liz, I am a T-girl wife, nice to meet you š
Hey Liz
Welcome to our little corner of the WWW. I'm so glad you decided to join. Speak soon.
Katie x
Evening all I (very bravely I think...) accepted an invitation to join this esteemed group. Iām grateful for this and made up (eh?), erm ok absolutely delighted, to join. Thank you. Who knew such an Aladdinās Cave of thought and resource existed! Yeah ok thatās enough. It seems to me that the cross(dress) we all bear encompasses many of the hallmark traits of cognitive dissonance, exactly as Katie suggests: feelings of shame, guilt, stress, regret, avoidance (fancy a wardrobe purge anyone?). All because we are at the constant beck and call of a strong need which leads us in one direction, and a perceived need to conform which pulls us in another. The cruel twist is that the only way we can relieve the tension is by secretly (in my case anyway) giving way to the impulse which conformity and social mores tell us is weird / wrong / pervy / ridiculous / all of the above. I studied German with applied needlework, not psychology, and my rambling is Iām sure not particularly well informed, what I do know to be fact however is that the need to cross dress has seriously affected the course of my life at times, and Iām still in my advancing years trying to work the whole bloody thing out. Which is why a forum like this is so exceedingly to be welcomed.
That'll be me third then. Are we the longest wife members us three?
I agree with Emma and Hannah its a good thread.
How the initial fears were overcome if they now accept it?
I was shocked that he was a cross dresser. Most websites I found were unhelpful until I found the why do men cross dress blog and started reading another's perspective and thoughts. Chatting there to others gave me courage to sit down with him and talk it through.
Sorry I don't come here often but we're settled and the same fears we all faced and the internet told us to fear gay, wants to be a woman he's a pervert all don't apply.
and what fears linger?
Sexuality. Worries me a bit as he says he doesn't fancy men at all and doesn't dress to attract men but has said he can find other t girls atrractive.
How do they deal with these fears?
I'm glad he's told me he finds other t girls attractive I don't need to deal with it as I trust him.
Are women Ok with crossdressing? As a thing?
If you were to ask my friends they'd probably say no.
Is it a case of it's fine but not my husband for most do you think?
Maybe yes
Are there any other conflicts that arise from our crossdressing?
Only when he's borrowed something and then outs it in the clothes basket and I'm looking for it to wear and find it needs to go in the wash.
Another question - is inconsistency with society norm a problem in a relationship?
Yes in terms of coming to terms with cross dressing we are all guided by the main stream thought on the subject. Its not fair on them as its a big thing for a man to Confess to like doing and immediately the world assumes.
Change a thought? - Reading and chatting here Esme's acceptance of Davina in the Blog definatelt changed my thoughts on my husband dressing.
Behaviour? I did ask him to not do it early on. We tried different stages of acceptance to get to where we are now. We can now openly chat any time about it.
Add new thoughts (rationalise)? - There are worse things he could be into.
Trivialisation? - This comes with acceptance and I agree we wasted a lot of time on worrying about cross dressing.
Choice? - Always a choice but if you want a relationship to work make it work find out why he does this and see if you can work with it or not.
Accepting it is easier than ignoring it making it the elephant in the room.
The Future? - More trips out as girls, more girly nights in. I like it the whole transformation and helping him dress and with makeup and I see this softer side emerge at the end.
I think so far Katie you've had views of the longest participating wives here. It would be nice to hear from some wives and girlfriends who havent been here for so long.
Rebecca (wife)
I'll be the second wife .. pass it on ladies lets hear your views as I agree it's a good thread.
I agree with Emma on all the above and surprised she's opened up on the sexual fun that can be had as it's usually me that covers that topic. Are you making a play for the sex expert post on the Forum Emma lol.
How the initial fears were overcome if they now accept it?
Same as Emma Davinas blog was the start and the forum helped further i aired my thoughts openly here and I've never been judged even when I've added to the forum thoughts on sexuality and sometimes a little naughty. Chatting to others and getting views back here helped me enormously.
and what fears linger?
My fear was his sexuality and now I know his and discovered mine and we're open about it i have no fears. We love one another we're not going anywhere.
Only fears is what other people might think of us.
How do they deal with these fears?
Talking and coming here to get things off my chest venting sometimes.
Are women Ok with crossdressing? As a thing?
I don't think women think about it where it doesn't affect them.
Is it a case of it's fine but not my husband for most do you think?
Yes
Are there any other conflicts that arise from our crossdressing?
Along the way yes like the curve there's bound to be but you need to get to the final solution acceptance or not.
Another question - is inconsistency with society norm a problem in a relationship?
Yes your initial view is that of societys
Change a thought? - Yes like Emma I got this from chatting to other t girls and wives than direct with him then used the chats with others to talk to him ask the right questions.
Behaviour? Bad behaviour now lol.
Add new thoughts (rationalise)? - Like Emma I chatted a lot to Davina via blog and skype and "she" helped me rationalise crossdressing prompted me to lead the conversation make my husband talk and ask the right questions even awkward ones eventually. Chatting here with other tgirls and wives helped to rationalise for me.
Trivialisation? - It is now a trivial and we have fun with crossdressing.
Choice? - Accept it and be part of it id reccomend. Put your head in the sand if you want but it won't get you anywhere and choose to ignore it knowing its happening in the background is upto you how you handle it but i'd say try to accept and control it. I think Emma, myself and Esme and Rebecca on here have done that and Michelle, I haven't seen enough of the other wives to see their level of involvement.
I think acceptance is by far the easiest way to go don't push it underground sneaking about.
The Future? - Maybe another trans event, another weekend away as girls just fun.
Come on ladies add your thoughts and fears now me and Emma have kicked this off.
I look forward to reading more. I copied and pasted Emmas here then added my own thoughts the bold questions if i can do that you can lol.
Hannah (wife)
OK I'll be the wife that goes first,
Firstly with that Kubler Ross curve post(s) this is up there with the best as in what we go through as wives loving our husbands wanting to find acceptance somehow but stuck in this Cognitive dissonance.
We've discussed Society's views but when it's your husband you take that on board as that's how you've been brought up to distinguish men and women and mens things and womens things.
Feminism and women wanting to do and prove they can do things traditionally masculine and dress masculine if they want really blur the lines in all this.
Take all your points on board Davina but you've got your head around this others still haven't.
Crossdressing is not wrong. Is correct. And if you are a crossdresser or a new girlfriend or wife joining please believe this is true. If hes honest and open why he crossdresses then its nothing wrong or shameful or perverted (unless hes admited some pervy stuff associated with it that is)
How the initial fears were overcome if they now accept it?
For me talking to others on Davinas blog and here helped me a lot to know i was not alone. Seeing there were wives who accepted this helped me and chatting to other Crossdressers. This is easier than talking to your own crossdresser.
and what fears linger?
There's always the fear of sexuality. we fool about when he's dressed and I overcame the feeling early on of I'm not a lesbian. He looks nice as a woman quite convincing but sex I think for the both of us is heightened and more sensitive than when we have sex as Man and Wife. But we've also fooled about with I'll say it a vibrator and a strap on. Every time i mention this i know I'm blushing and we've done some kinkier things when he's been dressed and he's enjoyed it. So there is a fear if he likes this will he want a real falic thing to play with a man or another t girl.
I have no fear about him having a sex change or anything but the sexual thing would me doing things with things make him wonder if he is bisexual? I dont think id like that.
How do they deal with these fears?
Like i said chatting to others helps but the fear of sexuality is overcome with trust.
I've outright asked him if he thought he might be bisexual. He said no.
Great question Are women Ok with crossdressing? As a thing?
Yes others or my own but i'm accepting so the wrong one to ask.
Before i knew he dressed no idea as never crossed my mind id ever encounter it.
Is it a case of it's fine but not my husband for most do you think?
Definately think this we've seen it here with some t girls and wives.
Are there any other conflicts that arise from our crossdressing?
We've not had any conflicts so far but as i said i accept this part of him and made it something we both enjoy.
Another question - is inconsistency with society norm a problem in a relationship?
At first yes but when you find others accept it and you chat to others it becomes easier. unless it hits you you dont think about it.but yes first thing we all did i suppose was ask if hes gay.
Change a thought? - Yes but i got this more from chatting to other t girls and wives than direct with him. if outhers accept it can i. so that changed my thoughts.
Behaviour? - I did ask him if he could stop he didnt know but did try but now i think this is silly asking him to supress something he enjoys. not like i can ask him to stop loving football so why ask him to stop crossdressing even if it was in private for him and i wasnt involved. I dont think we have a right to ask them to stop dressing up its not as if you t girls are axe murderers or silence of th elambs weirdos really. Note i watched a Lauren Lavern story on netflix or prime i forgot and it was really good but more transexuals in hollywood.
Add new thoughts (rationalise)? - This was easy once I'd chatted to Davina especially rationalising why men crossdress and the pie chart of reasons then asking my husband to put his down in a pie chart it became more rational for him to do this to escape which i think if you talk other wives will get to this
Trivialisation? - Where we are now so what its a bit of fun helps him escape being a man so what and helps him unwind big deal and he makes effort to look good as a woman and we can have a joint thing with it
Choice? - Lots of choices reject it or accept it but i can tell you accepting it is the easier road to take and theres levels of acceptance you can have and control see him dressed or he has to dress alone but id always opt for participation you're then in control
Negative consequences? - Not so far and i think the only negatives could be others finding out and it escallating to affect his job how people view him and the society view.
The Future? = Is looking ok its something he does weve discussed will he do it always and he cant see himself mutton dressed as lamb nor dressing as an old woman so maybe it wont be into his old age i dont worry if it is.
Hope this is ok and opens the floor to other wives answering
Emma (Wife)