First thing I should say is that it takes balls to go and get counselling. Even in todays world there is still a stigma about mental health and admitting to yourself that you have a problem and need help is a massive step forward. The typical male response is that you'll get over it, bottle it up, the old 'stiff upper lip' approach. Well it doesn't work. If you don't face up to it and take action then it will just continue to fester and get worse.
I was suffering from a bit of stress, depression, anxiety and low mood and wanted to try and do something about it. I went to the doctor who referred me to the NHS wellbeing people. I did attend a group session on managing stress but never felt that it got to the root of the problem - also not easy to discuss crossdressing in front of a group of strangers.
Not that my crossdressing was a problem, it was just that with other stuff stacked on top that pushed me over the edge.
Anyway I told my counsellor on my second visit that I crossdressed. As a professional she took it all in in her stride and we were able to discuss it in a number of the following sessions.
It has helped me to start to come to terms with my crossdressing. I think that in line with most of the 'Davina' type crossdressers we start dressing at a young age. Speculating on why we start is probably pointless and so we must accept that it is something we need / want to do. As we've discussed previously it does have many positive effects on us but it can also create negative feelings.
I think one thing I learnt is the we are plagued by the feeling of shame. We're learn from a young age that it is not OK for boys to want to dress as girls. Cowboys, Knights, even Batman but not a Princess! So we hide it and that bring an intense feeling of shame. I know sometimes we say we are guilty but that is not the right word. You feel guilty when you have done something wrong (we know crossdressing is not wrong) but shame when you are something wrong. We are made to feel 'wrong' and so the shame grows.
Admitting to anyone that we crossdress makes us extremely vulnerable. We cannot control how the other person may react. To actually face up to it and explain to the one you love that you are a crossdresser takes an immense amount of courage. You lose total control and how the other person reacts can have a hugh impact on your relationship going forward. I know quite often the wives reaction is one of being deceived. Lied to, led on etc. It can affect her whole opinion of you. If you are rejected on top of the whole shame thing the consequences can be dire. Imagine pouring your heart out to someone, trusting them implicitly with your deepest secret only to have it thrown back in your face. Told you are a pervert or worse.
We've held this secret for so many year, this shame that society thrusts upon us because we want to dress up. To feel close to the gender we most admirer, to want to share that feeling and experience. To be a close as possible.
But being a crossdresser is part of my personality. It makes me who I am. It is an extra dimension. It allows me to be the person I am. Without the 'release' valve I couldn't be the other me. The dependable rock. That's why it hurts when we are not understood. If a wife says she loves you she cannot unless she accepts all of you. Can you love a bit of someone? It is devastating to have a part of you rejected as not good enough, weird, perverted. Something to be hidden and ashamed of.
But my counsellor wants me to accept this as part of who I am. It does not define me, I'm not the crossdresser down the road. I'm me. Someone who likes to express different parts of their personality in different way. If I wanted to dress up as knight and re-enact battles at weekends nobody bats an eyelid. People even pay to come and watch. But say at the weekends I like to slip on a dress and heels and suddenly I some sort of weirdo!
I think the point I'm trying to make is that my counselling has helped me to learn to deal with the shame. I do not need to feel shame for being who I am. I should be proud that it enables me to be the person I am. I feel a lot better about myself now. I don't think any of us really gets the chance to explore who we really are in an environment where the person you are talking to is non-judgemental. It really helps to have the support of a professional who can help you o discover things about yourself that you never realised. We all lead busy lives without really taking the chance to sit back and think. Having the counselling allowed me to take this time and I think everyone could benefit even if it is just to get stuff off your chest.
Sorry to waffle on. I haven't really done it justice. Just touching the surface but hopefully gives you an idea but happy to answer questions and will add more later.
Katie x
Well done girls for seeking counselling i bet its a weight off your chests to be able to just talk to someone openly.
Have any of you continued via Zoom or i guess if wives don't know its difficult to find the privacy to continue
I wish you could all talk to your wives openly and they'd find acceptance
Hey Emma. I wrote this post for you about my experiences .
Katie x
Hi Jules
I guess that sometimes our shame becomes that of our wives and partners. How we deal with shame differs from person to person. We can move away by withdrawing, hiding, silencing ourselves and keeping secrets (typical crossdresser). Some of us move toward by seeking to appease and please. Others move against by trying to gain power over others, by being aggressive and by using shame to fight shame. We can be a combination of all to the above and from time to time I guess I have.
Shame is about fear, blame and disconnection. If your wife will never accept and won't talk then I guess she's moving against and moving away from her shame. As you have dealt with your shame, then she needs to deal with her shame, even if it was thrust upon her. That must make it doubly difficult to deal with.
I guess we all hope that our wives and partner will eventually accept us for who we are but we need to set ourselves realistic goals as to what acceptance looks like. We must work out how we achieve these goals and be flexible as attitudes seem to change. We must also believe in ourselves. If we don't then we have no hope of achieving our goals.
Having a greater knowledge doesn't always help in the goals but at least we can see the warning signs and take the necessary action. I think that maybe it is a long process and for some it is a lot about compromise.
All the time society heaps shame on to little boys who want to wear a pretty dress we'll never break free of the stigma of being a crossdresser even if we can accept ourselves it is always going to be a battle to keep the shame at bay.
Katie x
Hi Katie. It’s so important to read your reply. My wife will never accept and she has no one to talk to. She will not even consider it. But as for rights? I agree but also responsibilities. Yes, I did marry her as a male even tho I hinted at my “deepest darkest secret” once when we were going out. But still, on balance , life is good and better than the alternative! We know who we are!!
Personal Bill of Rights
I said that I'd put up the 'rights' that we are all entitled to. We can ask but it doesn't mean we'll get but at least nobody can criticised us for asking.
Hi Jules
It's always good to hear that counselling has a positive effect on you as the person. I wonder sometimes if it wouldn't also benefit our wives and partners. Their fears are also our fears in many ways and if we can learn to accept ourselves then it must be possible for them to accept and understand. I guess if you start from the point that the problem is not yours but your husbands then you are never going to admit that you need any counselling.
I do think that their is maybe still a stigma in the UK about the need for counselling. You must be a 'fruit cake to need to go but it's really more to do with being able to talk to someone who is non-judgment. Someone trained bring out all these thoughts and emotions. I used to come out of my meetings a lot more positive and my confidence has grown as a result. I'm not the finished article and never will but at least I understand myself better and can see when things are affecting me negatively.
I just feel sometimes that we don't all have the one close person that we can say anything to without fear of judgement. I wonder how many wives and partners haven't be able to find someone to share with for fear of what might happen.
I'm reading a book called 'The gifts of imperfection' by Brene Brown. She talks about the swampland of the soul. We need to see that standing on the shore catastrophisizing about what could happen if we talked honestly about our fears is actually more painful than gabbing the hand of a trusted companion and crossing the swamp. And, most important, we need to learn why constantly trying to maintain out footing on the shifting shore as we gaze across to the other side of the swamp is much harder than trudging across.
Too many of us, me included, spend too much time hanging around on the shoreline instead of taking the plunge and wading on through. There are many pitfalls but isn't the other side of the swamp where we want to be?
Katie x
Thank you for this post. I’ve been to counselling too, 3 years ago now and it transformed my outlook on cross dressing and my whole gender identity. The councillor gave me a tiny heart - for Jules - to acknowledge that person inside. It was one of the most affirming and powerful moments of my life. To be acknowledged as a whole person, not just the “man” everyone sees. Yes, my wife, rejected all idea of cross dressing obviously. 4 years on from revealing all and pouring out my heart to her, we are together, but a huge part of our love has gone. She will never acknowledge Jules. It is what it is and I now work to support any Trans folk in whatever way I can. Even if it’s just calling out transphobia in conversation. But my “guilt” is gone and my shame is gone thanks to counselling. I am me and my sensitive side is just what makes me me!!
Hi
I should point out what I mean by it takes 'ball' to ask for help. This is really all about courage. Not the courage that means you running into a burning house to rescue a child but the courage to ask for something for yourself when you know it is going to make you vulnerable.
Sometime is a simple as a child putting their hand up in class and saying they don't understand. They know that hey are open to ridicule for being 'thick' but the chances are that there are probably a dozen others who don't understand but won't ask. It takes a certain amount of self-confidence and courage to ask.
Asking for help means that you are opening up. You are going to have to confront a few truths which could be painful and you might not always hear what you want to hear especially from someone who has an invested interest in you! That is why it helped to talk to someone independent, non-judgemental who can ask all the right questions in the right way. They're not trying to sugar coat it but they do force you to do quite a bit of soul searching in order to find some inner peace.
A friend, who is also having counselling, sent me a list of the things you have a right to ask. It doesn't mean you will get them but nobody can deny you the right to ask. I will find it and post it later.
Katie x
It definitely takes balls to go and get counselling even bigger balls to pluck up the courage to say oh by the way I Crossdress.
The stigma men have around mental health and wellbeing is awful ... Men are stupid.. women are right about that we bottle up emotion and stress and its dangerous.
I've gone through quite a bit of stress and depression, anger and anxiety and low mood and Crossdressing has become something of a partial cure for all that allowing me to escape the man i have to be. It's made me ill mentally I'll admit when i've not been able to get this outlet and stress and at times depression has hit me which I hid from the outside world, because I'm a man and I'm stupid.
I've never considered councelling maybe as I shun the stress etc and try to bat it off which as above is stupid and not good for you so well done Katie and other girls for seeking councelling.
As Katie says my crossdressing isn't a problem or the problem its everything else that adds to the stress Crossdressing has become my relief and release temporarily.
Maybe my release used to be Sport before I retired from Football, Cricket and Rugby, 5 a side etc my knees letting me down.
I've come to terms with my crossdressing via my blog and chatting to 100s of t girls, wives and GFs and Esme chatting and chatting to the point of Why do men crossdress? many many reasons but for me manily because I just enjoy it.
I'm chuffed that there is such a thing as a 'Davina' type crossdressers I should go to the patent office with that.
Crossdressing definitely has many positive effects.. so hard to explain.
But Katie is right it does bring negative thoughts of guilt and shame until you can get over those thoughts and feelings which really helps when your wife is accepting as that's the biggest worry what the hell does she really think of me dressing??
Admitting to anyone that we crossdress does make us extremely vulnerable.
We cannot control how the other person may react or who they may tell....
To actually face up to it and explain to the one you love that you are a crossdresser does take a huge amount of courage. You do lose total control of how the other person reacts can have a huge impact on your relationship going forward.
I've chatted to a few t girls over the past few nights some lucky enough to have an understanding wife and the house to themselves able to dress and others in lockdown with wife and kids, some with wives that accept and some with wives who don't know and some with kids so aren't dressing...
Quite a few are contemplating telling their wives or even their kids to have the freedom to dress and the latter is a whole new ball game .. how would the kids react? what would they think of their father crossdressing? will they tell their friends?
This coping mechanism crossdressing also on lockdown the thing that helps with the release of stress and escapism out of reach. at least we can still chat about dressing but its no compensation for actually Crossdressing.
Katie is right again tho it's hard to admit but the fem side of us or the crossdressing side of us is a part of our personality.. Esme sees a difference in me when I'm dressed more relaxed? less of a macho alpha whatever it is it's part of us. It's a part of us we surpress.
You have got to admit to yourself this is part of me this is something i do this is something i enjoy this is something that helps me and this is harmless.. Also I'm happy being a man with this side venture for escapism for a few hours happy to turn back to the manly man after I've ventured into a dress and full makeup for my escapism.
I don't want to be or live as a woman I just want the freedom to express myself and enjoy something society would deem different,
I'm glad Katies councelling has helped and i pray that one day her wife comes to terms with crossdressing and can talk to Katie about dressing and be ok with it all.
Again Thanks for sharing Katie I'm hoping other t girls thinking about councelling may go for it after reading your post and some who have had councelling will add to this thread.
Davina
Thanks for posting Katie talking about it is good. I'm hoping the other girls who have chatted to me about having councelling will add to your post.
I've been able to talk to Esme about my crossdressing but its always felt awkward especially early doors as you may say something and she interpret it differently... or upset her or worry she may thing less of you.. talking to ones wife you try to reassure that its ok you're not a pervert.
I've also been lucky enough on Skype to talk to a few wives and talk openly with them maybe different to chatting to Esme as it doesn't matter what they think as I'm not their husband but its been good to chat and tell other wives and girlfriends about my dressing and hear what they think about their husbands or boyfriends dressing and give some advice back.
I've done this typing and chatting over the mic on skype and even better on a video call dressed as a woman so they can see me and give me feedback on how i look.
Its a kind of councelling just good to open up and just discuss dressing with someone.
Davina