How to handle a crossdressing husband? a wiki article not exactly a text book but not a bad article .. Davina
Review of this article by Davina
When your husband tells you that he cross dresses, it can be upsetting.
Davina Unserstandable you married a man not a woman and you married a man dressed like a man not a man who dresses or sometimes presents as a woman
You probably have never pictured your husband wearing women’s clothing or putting on a full face of makeup.
Davna or like my wife your first thought is no this is a joke it’s just not him.. But yu’d be surprised how many men crossdress in secret to some extent.
It’s important to remember that while your husband may have kept this hidden from you, he’s still the same man you married years ago.
Davina definitely and somewhere inside us you (wife / gf) have come across the feminine side of your husband despite not realising he was a crossdresser.
If you’re struggling to accept your husband’s lifestyle, read through this article to learn more about cross dressing and why some men are drawn to it.
Davina and I hope the comments I add help and this forum in general can help.This article is based on an interview with a licensed marriage and family therapist, Fernando Campos, founder of Avant-Garde Therapy.
Things You Should Know
Men tend to cross dress because it makes them feel more feminine as a way of letting go of their masculinity temporarily or simply because it’s a fun hobby.
Davina This is true for me and many others I act daily as this alpha male, i lead, i inspire, i to all intents and purpose would be described as an alpha male father, husband etc etc but it is stressful to live up to these expectations and crossdressing somehow helps me escape this and it even helps fight stress. Go figure.
Cross dressing does not automatically mean your husband is gay or transgender, because cross dressing is different from your sexuality or gender identity.
Davina Correct I’m into women and i have no intention of living as Davina but it id frustrating when i dont have my escape from male me my temporary escape from toxic masculinity to Davina time.
If your husband cross dresses, tell him what you’re comfortable with and ask him how open he’s going to be about wearing women’s clothing.
Davina I let my wife guide me with this through various stages of acceptance at her pace. The secrecy we keep of me dressing is also part of her acceptance criteria wanting no one else to know i dress.
What is cross dressing?
Cross dressing refers to men who wear women’s clothing.
These men may wear anything from women’s underwear to women’s makeup. Some men cross dress every day and do it publicly, while other men only cross dress alone or only do it occasionally.
Davina I used to just try things on but now its all or nothing and that means makeup, wig fully dressed and perfume. This limits my opportunity to dress to when I have time alone or with my wife.. No kids home or working away from home.
While this may be a novel idea to you, cross dressing is actually relatively common. No one knows for sure, but it’s estimated that 2% to 10% of men in America enjoy cross dressing on a regular basis.
Davina I’d say to different extents it’s even more common than this as crossdressing is a close kept secret. Most men never confide in their wives or girlfriends.
Many men experiment with wearing women’s clothing at a young age. If they find that they like it, they keep doing it into adulthood.
Davina That was how i started when i was very young, tights, silky things, high heels..
While cross dressing traditionally refers to men wearing women’s clothing, women can cross dress too. Some women like to wear men’s clothing either in public or in private.
Davina Of course it’s not called crossdressing when women wear mens things.
For some men, opening up about cross dressing can be extremely stressful and scary.
Davina Very true you dont know the outcome especially in a marriage when a wife is usually upset as a result of the confession of crossdressing.. It can be a marriage ender but shoudnt be talking and being honest about crossdressing is the best policy or even writing it down.
Lots of biases against cross dressing still exist today, and because of this, they might also be grappling with other questions about their personal identity.
Davina Societies views on crossdressers dont help us neither does the more out there crossdresser or the crossdressers showing their male parts on flikr etc even on twitter.. Put it away!
If your husband's crossdressing creates disturbances in your life and relationship as a result, that's normal and we're here to help you navigate that!
Why Some Men Cross Dress
It makes them feel more feminine.
Davina This sounds bonkers but this is part of the escapism we get from crossdressing.
Many men who cross dress do it to get in touch with their feminine side.
Davina maybe not in touch with our feminine side its hard to explain.. What is easier to explain is we bottle up emotions dont show we’re upset other than when we get angry or argumentative.. We dont cry, dont show a softer side so much but its there inside us bottled up.
Because society expects men to be masculine and strong most of the time, wearing women’s clothing is a way to tap into their femininity and release themselves from societal expectations.
In that way, it’s similar to other expressions that are considered “feminine” today, like painting your nails, wearing perfume, or wearing pink clothing.
Everyone who cross dresses is different, and your husband may like it because of this reason, the reasons below, or other reasons entirely. The best way to know is to talk to him about it.
Davina there are many many reasons and for each crossdresser the reasons are to a different extent as i mention on the forum many times in many posts think of it like a pie chart and a percentage why a man likes to crossdress liking the feel of womens clothing will have a percentage, wanting that feminine escape will have a percentage, being turned on or feeling sexy a percent etc etc making up the whole 100% towards the reason why.
They like how they look.
Have you ever gotten dressed up even when you had nowhere to go?
Davina believe it or not just getting dressed up, makeup, lingerie, hosiery a dress heels and wig i find fun and thereafter just chilling out.
Maybe you put on your new dress or wore that new lipstick just because you liked it. Men who cross dress can be the same: when they look in the mirror, they simply enjoy the way that they look wearing women’s clothing.
Davina I do like how i look and feel as Davina love how the clothing looks and feels on me.
They do it for fun.
For some men, cross dressing is like a hobby. Maybe they’re into fashion, or maybe they like trying out new makeup trends. Cross dressing could be an enjoyable way to pass the time when they’re bored.
Davina this must be hard to believe but it is fun getting transformed putting on makeup and dressing then chilling as Davina, chatting to others or just watching TV dressed or doing day to day stuff in the house dressed i find it fun..
Think of it as a creative hobby that your husband likes to do. He might paint, do woodworking, or cross dress on the weekends—all are valid forms of expression and a fun way to relax.
Davina a hobby is something else i’d say can describe it like any other hobby just this hobby although harmless behind closed doors is frowned upon.. But ok for a woman to wear mens clothing any time, No fair!
Many women consider experimenting with makeup looks a hobby. Your husband may feel the same!
Davina correct i love experimenting with makeup and different looks as Davina
Doing drag is another form of cross dressing that can be a hobby or even a job. However, drag queens take cross dressing to the next level, often wearing flashy outfits and makeup that look good on stage.
Davina I think my wife expected me to look more like a drag queen than a woman and i think she was pleasantly surprised i didnt look trashy or like a drag queen but tried to look like a woman.
It’s a sexual kink for them.
For some men, wearing women’s clothing is a turn-on.
Davina Yes it’s always been a turn on for me.
They might enjoy the way they look wearing lingerie or how they feel in a dress. Keep in mind that this isn’t the case for all men, but for some, it can be
Using cross dressing for sexual pleasure is different than doing it for fun or as a hobby.
Davina hmmm not sure i agree with this it can be a hobby, it can be fun and sometimes it can be a turn on.
If you’re uncomfortable with your husband cross dressing in the bedroom, you have every right to say no and state your sexual boundaries (just like he doesn’t have to indulge in any of your fantasies if he doesn’t want to).
Does cross dressing mean my husband isn’t straight?
No, cross dressing doesn’t mean your husband isn’t straight.
Davina I’m straight and married but thats not the case fo all t girls / crossdressers but no more than any other people crossdresser or not.. In society today more people come out as bisexual and some gay but i dont think because a man crossdresses that there’s any more chance hes bisexual or gay. What i have found chatting to hundreds of t girls are some can become bisexual and usually these t girls are the ones rejected by their wives.
The vast majority of men who have accepting wives are and have remained straight.
If your husband cross dresses, it doesn’t automatically mean that he is not into you anymore. Cross dressing has nothing to do with your sexuality.
Davina correct because i crossdress it doesnt mean i dont fancy my wife any more but one thing to note here is i do wear matching lingerie, stockings and heels things id like my wife to wear more often .. a lot of t girls portray a look or wear things they wish their wife would wear more often.
Plenty of straight men cross dress and have no problems coming home to loving wives and families.
Your sexual identity defines who you are attracted to sexually. If your husband is heterosexual, or straight, then he is solely attracted to women.
Does cross dressing mean my husband is transgender?
No, cross dressing doesn’t mean your husband is transgender.
Davina I would dress a lot more if i could I would present how i felt daily if i could maybe .. my more alpha life requires me to be the man 90% of the time so even if i could be Davina more and openly odds are i’d present as a man 90% of the time but that 10% would be nice .. currently (oct 23) it seems like 99.99% as a man as opportunity as the kids get older is rarer and rarer and its very frustrating not having this outlet for stress and “fun”
Just because your husband wears women’s clothing doesn’t necessarily mean he would like to transition to a woman. While your husband’s gender identity and his cross dressing could be intertwined, it’s totally possible that he’s a cisgender man who likes to cross dress.
Davina Correct
Cisgender means that your gender identity aligns with the gender you were assigned with at birth. So if your husband is cisgender, it means he identifies as a man.
Transgender means that you have transitioned to another gender. If your husband identifies as transgender, he may identify as a woman.
While men who cross dress aren’t necessarily transgender, there is a possibility that your husband’s cross dressing could be the first step in him transitioning or experimenting with his gender identity. However, it’s up to your husband to come to that realization on his own.
Davina and if this is the case the husband needs to be open with his wife or if there is no intent at all to take that further even if he feels he is transgender he might just not tell his wife something that he knows she may not like. This can be hard i suppose for the husband / bf to bottle up his true self.
Setting Your Own Boundaries
Talk to your husband about what you’re comfortable with.
Davina Definately talk and set levels of acceptance,
Learning that your husband cross dresses can be a lot to take in, especially if this is the first time you’re hearing about it. Even if you’re totally committed to supporting and loving your husband for who he is, that doesn’t mean that you’re not allowed to feel a little shaken up, or like there are limits to what you’re comfortable with.
Take however long you need (a few hours, a few days) to let it sit, then establish your own boundaries.
Davina it took my wife 8 years to meet me as Davina but in that time we took it step by step.. Dressing when she was out, not leaving trace of being dressed, dressing with her knowing i was dressing etc etc all the way to a girls night in both dressed up and for us a night out in London as “women”
“I’m okay with you cross dressing at home, but I’d really prefer if it was a private, at-home activity.”
“It’s fine if you cross dress, but I’m not comfortable with you borrowing my clothes or makeup.”
Davina these are similar to what we agreed at home.
Ask your husband how open he’s going to be about his cross dressing.
Some men never cross dress in public, while others prefer to cross dress every single day during their daily lives.
Davina once a week would be perfect for me a way to unwind when stressed with work, I have been out dressed when away with work for a walk, even to Tesco which was a thrill and with my wife in London. The first time i went out was away with work getting made up makeup was perfect then realising i’d left my mobile phone charger in the car fully dressed in 4 inch heels i thought sod taking off my makeup ill go to the car.. Out the hotel room door, along the corridor past a couple, past reception and the people smoking outside and to my car got in the car for a few mins and unplugged the phone lead then did it all in reverse after standing outside for a while thinking wow im outside and no one i walked passed seemed to suss i was a crossdresser.
Understanding how open he would like to be about his cross dressing will help you decide what boundaries you want to set in the future.
Davina I’d like to be able to say sod it i dont care who knows but my wife doesnt want that and 2023 isnt ready for me to be known as a crossdresser as the prejudice and social view on crossdressig isnt mature enough yet to accept someone like me as a tgirl.
Check in with your husband about whether or not he’d like his habits to become public knowledge, and be sure to respect his wishes if he wants to keep things private.
Davina if my wife wanted to confide in someone that im a crossdresser id be fine with it but id want to know who shes told and id want to give my point of view to them why i dress.
You can also check in with him about when or where he’s going to buy women’s clothing. Some men exclusively buy items online to avoid being spotted in public, while others don’t mind heading to the mall and picking themselves out a new outfit.
Davina I’ve bought things on line, ive had her hand me downs and ive bought things in shops
If you feel uncomfortable getting into specifics at first, that's totally understandable. For you, this might feel like a whole new world, and you might have a lot to learn! But trust that in all likelihood, the more you fill in the blanks, the more empowered you'll feel.
Davina definitely and although its hard to talk about its good to talk
Discuss whether or not to talk to your kids (if you have any).
Davina oh it would be so much easier if we could tell the kids, if they’d accept it and if they’d keep it to themselves.. Huge decision and during the pandemic something i thought about going all that time without dressing and now no time to dress i do wonder if telling them would have helped me from a more selfish point of view noting it does have a negative effect on my mental health as crossdressing has become an escape for me.
If you and your husband co-parent, your children might have questions. Is your husband going to cross dress in front of them? Will he explain to them what he’s doing, or would he like to keep that private?
Talk to your husband about how open he wants to be with your kids so you can both be on the same page. If you do decide to talk to your children, make it an open discussion with the entire family that your husband leads.
Remember, there’s nothing inherently dirty or sexual about cross dressing. Cross dressing is totally appropriate to expose children to, as long as your husband is wearing clothing that isn’t too revealing.
Let your husband know what you’d like your sex life to look like.
Davina The crossdressing doesnt have to equate to part of your sex life but it can be amazing (for me anyway it was and I know my wife enjoyed it after a few glasses of wine but she blocks it out)
Since some men use cross dressing in the bedroom, it’s important to discuss your boundaries around it upfront. If you’d rather your husband stay in masculine clothing in the bedroom, let him know. But if you’re fine with exploring his cross dressing in your sex life, tell him that, too.
Davina It is nice,
For some women, seeing their husband in feminine clothing can take some getting used to. It’s okay if you need time to adjust before leaping into bed with your husband in lingerie.
Davina for most women it will be a total turn off seeing a woman not being attracted to women.
It’s also totally fine if you never get comfortable introducing cross dressing into the bedroom. You’re allowed to say no at any point when it comes to sexual acts.
Supporting Your Husband
Encourage him to express himself.
Whether your husband wants to cross dress in the bedroom, at home, or in public, it’s his way of expressing who he is. To support him unconditionally, let him know that you’re here to help him express himself whichever way he wants to.
Davina this would be perfect but a crossdresser can expect this
It’s totally fine if you need some time to adjust to your husband’s cross dressing. However, supporting him is a great way to show how much you love and care about him.
Look into groups or communities he could join.
There are many cross dressing communities both in-person and online that your husband could join. Encourage him to find like-minded men who also enjoy cross dressing so he can get a sense of community while he expresses himself.
Davina I’ve got the forum here and also Tvchix.com which under the surface is a good place for tgirls and wives to connect if yu can blank out admirers and the more sexual side to the site.
Try searching “cross dressing” + “your area” to find in-person or online groups for your husband.
Davina there is one in wales called the butterflies and I’ve thought of going there but times an issue and family life so have never gone. I would like to try a tgirl event some time.
Let him talk about women’s clothing and fashion with you.
Many cross dressing men who have kept their activities a secret for a long time have been yearning to discuss fashion with someone.
Davina I have experience here in chatting not just to my wife but also to her friends about womens clothing.
Once your husband is comfortable enough, he’ll likely want to talk about fashion trends, jewelry on the market, or new makeup that he wants. If you’re okay with it, join in these discussions and have fun chatting with your husband about his hobby.
If you’re ever feeling overwhelmed or tired of talking about clothing with your husband, gently let him know. It’s likely that he’ll go a little overboard at first, so you may have to steer him back toward other topics of conversation.
“Honey, you know I love talking shoes with you, but could we chat about something else for a minute?”
Cross dressing gives a sense of freedom to choose how to express yourself. While in the past cross dressing may have been judged more harshly, today's society is becoming more accepting, which allows people to be themselves more freely.
Davina I think this is more in a younger generation than my generation (40something).. I think younger t girls are luckier that crossdressing may be more accepted by younger women. The internet’s been around a lot longer and used daily and i think helps massively with acceptance.
Some men might cross dress as a way to explore their identity or feelings, possibly to see how they relate to gender identity. But in many cases, it's simply expressing outwardly how they feel inside. From what I've seen with clients, many have always had these inner inclinations but didn't feel brave enough to act on them openly before. The shift towards more acceptance has given them the courage to let their inner self manifest outwardly through cross dressing.
Davina a pretty good article hits home poses some good questions and ideas.