Crossdressers can vacillate between bursting with excitement about sharing their secret with another person and trembling with a debilitating fear of anyone else finding out about who they truly are. Sharing the total sum of who we are as a man and woman is an important exercise for many of us.
Personally, I spent the late 1990s desperate to tell people about my feminine side. But, back then, fear stayed my lips. I eventually got over the Pink Fog of me being a fully realized Savannah and needing to shout it as a declaration through the rooftops. I eventually understood that sharing my crossdressing must come with much personal reflection on the decision. Now, when I decide to share myself with others, it is based on a couple factors.
First, there is a feeling that I get as to whether I should tell someone. Call it a Savannah Sense (trademark pending – lol) or intuition. There is a point in the friendship or relationship where I “know” I can tell this individual. But, “knowing” is sometimes misleading.
Next is to assess the reasons why I feel that sharing Savannah is so important. Is it because I am looking to shock the person with the news? Is it because I want praise or adoration? Do I feel the need to vindicate myself in some way? Or, is sharing my story a result of the strength of our friendship and kindred spirits? Ask yourself these questions and think through the reasons why sharing is so important.
If you decide to share, only you will know the best approach to do so. You’re trusting your story in the hands of another person. That being said, it’s also important to note that it’s unfair to expect your family member, co-worker or friend to carry the burden of your news on their shoulders. A secret shared is a secret halved. It may be “halved” for you, but it will not feel that way to who you are sharing with.
You have to trust that who you tell has the intelligence and understanding of your situation to know who they can tell, or if they would tell someone. If you tell your office mate, are you okay with whether they tell their wife or husband? You can ask them to keep it private, but is that request fair?
Weigh your decisions. Be thoughtful of yourself and others. But be warned, once you share your femininity with someone, you cannot take it back. The genie cannot be put back into the bottle.
Hi Savannah nice to see a new girl and a published author.
Sharing is caring and also stops the guilt trip and the what if I get caught that crossdressers have whichever would be the worst way finding out.
So sharing is the best way as long as the person you share with can accept what’s being told.
I was mortified the. Found Davinas blog which I read the night I found it then asked my other half hundreds of questions into the early hours lots of tears and fears but with help here rapid progressions to acceptance.
Davina Says it was 8 years for her wife to be ok we’ll kinda 8 weeks with help here and now find it such fun and even reenergised my own image as a result.
Sharing is caring and understanding is love and open mindedness.
Em (RG Wife)
Crossdressers are not obsessed with people knowing and seeing but it does make it easier if people know and can understand and not judge.
I certainly am not an exhibitionist as Davina but will admit when Ive chatted on Skype as Davina it is nice when someone gives you a compliment around how you look but that doesnt make one an exhibitionist.
The want to go out dressed is just that its a want to go out dressed to be out dressed sod what anyone thinks just an experience of how it would feel to be at some event or out as our alter egos.. not for exhibitionism just for fun.
I was in London on the weekend and sat outside a pub in Leicester square and noted a woman walking about, noticed her walk not 100% graceful then noticed her makeup far too precise and a slight adams apple.. never theless she looked very passable and attractive but a t girl which maybe being one myself I may have been the only person in Leicester square to read her as a T-Girl and she may have noticed as she started at me.. no way she would have sussed me as Davina with my stubble etc but I read her no one else did and she wasnt out for exhibitionism she was just out enjoying herself.
As for telling people Its easier and honest to tell rather than to have people find out.
Its true the interest from your wife / my wife about talking about dressing wont be as engaging as chatting to a more accepting wife or another t girl and we have that thought right ill bring up crossdressing for ones wife to give a yes or no answer and cut the conversation off as has happened with me over the last week with my wife and she says she doesnt change subject but she does.
I used to think if the fears we have about rejection is actually in our own heads and that really people don't care and have an attitude now of so what will I ever see these people again and will they remember me in a few days or weeks time. Ive had this conversation with my wife recently where she had to ask an embarasing question and I said dont worry just do it they wont care and dont know you.
I have posed tonight a link to a transgernder story aired on the BBC which I think is widely accepted but we still have a way to go before crossdressing gets mainstream acceptance as people get some parts of the trans spectrum but dont get straight men occassionally crossdressing.
'muggles' dont get us at all
I can agree Crossdressing is Something I am versus something I do? and also agree its Something I do but not who or what I am (most of the time or in the real workd)
Real world meaning my normal day to day life as a Father, husband, Engineer etc then dreamland Crossdressing occassionally.
Like Savannah I have been crossdressing in one form or another since the age of 6- to 8-years old. It must be something I AM. There is a calm and completeness of the spirit about becoming Davina which is total escapism and relaxation and again I agree and it is hard for the alpha in me to say this but the act (and art) of feminine dressing completes a part of me that I cannot explain in a way that would make much sense also Why do men crossdress? many many reasons combined to make the whole answer.
And whats wrong with the artificial means to affect a feminine appearance as I see women with fake boobs, fake hair, fake eye lashes whats the difference between them and us
Amazing to read we have a T-Girl author in our midst well done Savannah Ive been told myself that I should take my blog and turn it into chapter and verse and get it onto Amazon as some would read and find it useful.
I get Sindys comment as my wife says the same and in the BBC doc a wife stayed with her husband who a year in started to transition which is something I never want to do but good on the wife for sticking by her husband but my wife said about it does that now make her a lesbian I mean she married a man and now her husband is a woman I dont get that its aweful and to an extent I get that as maybe feeling that way and being on that part of the trans spectrum maybe getting married then transitioning was deceitful but then again love conquers all does it matter if you love someone
I think crossdressing being occassional is different but wives still feel betrayal but then back to my argument wives change too and this isnt discussed the flat shoes and non sexy lingerie trousers not dresses and drop in sex drive which as husbands we didnt bargain for can come as a shock also.
I dont think my wifes told anyone she says she hasnt but id feel betrayed if she did tell someone without first discussing that with me and would give her my blessing to tell someone also if it would help but find it a little harsh Sindy that youve told others unless you discussed it first that you were going to out your husband to friends.
You also speak of crossdressing as being a burden how is it a burden if he doesnt dress with you or in front of you do you watch him play golf whats the difference oh one is accepted the other isnt
At some point crossdressing will be socially acceptable as we see more and more quirks become more accepted and when im old and grey ill look back and think of all the angst and also think how silly it all was the worry and the angst over dressing up
There are women out there genetic women who date and are married to crossdressers and enjoy the trans scene and encourage crossdressing I believe our own Emma on here to be one and although my wife seems to be ignoring my occasional need to crossdress she does say im nicer when dressed and have a softer, more attentive, and more empathetic.
It must be relief for her to see this side of me sometimes behind the Alpha male although I know it worries her and she thinks it weird that I crossdress as she puts it who would think or believe you crossdress?
As we were away on the weekend in london I did tick off one big reason I crossdress and it is a bit of substitution like wearing stockings or tights and heels and a dress things which my wife didnt pack for our trip then seeing other women in tights and heels and dresses in london I realised its such a rarity to see my wife in a dress and heels these days my dressing is becoming more and more compensation for this which is back to the beginning as a kid where was I going to see and feel someone wearing stockings and heels etc so I wore them and back doing the same for one of the reasons now that and the stress release it provides inexplicably
Davina
I do think that as people gain a better understanding of gender then crossdressing will become less of an issue. To most people gender is a substitute for sex. I even think that some institutions were a little uncomfortable putting 'sex' on their application forms so 'gender' became the polite alternative.
There are a few which have gender as male/female/other but I haven't yet seen one with male/female/ sometimes male and sometimes female! That would really throw anyone applying for life assurance!
I think that women need to wake up to the fact that gender sterotyping actually holds them back. Crossdressers sometimes stay in the closet because being out to the whole wide world will mean that they will be treated as women and lose some of those male privilages.
Having to conform to gender sterotypes puts a lot of pressure on both men and women and the sooner we learn to accept that people like to express themselves in different ways, and that it is not a threat to society if a man wants to wear a skirt every so often, the better.
Women who look on men who crossdress as somehow inferior are only perpetuating their own gender inequality. Ladies, we're on your side n this battle so don't knock us.
Katie
Dear Katie and Sindy,
Katie, i have to give you a shout-out and a thank you about originally reaching out to me. I am always happy to discuss issues, fears, the incertainties of the future concerning crossdressing.
Are there genetic women out there who would prefer a crossdressing male partner? Maybe. If the CD has found their identity and their balance as a full individual, I can see how a woman may find that appealing. Some of us tend to be softer, more attentive, an so more empathetic to our partner. I am a man. But I am not a burly, beer guzzling, "abandon my partner for sports events" kind of guy. There may be an appeal for that type of man, even if there is a huge learning curve to understanding the feminine presentation component of it all.
Warmest regards,
Savannah
Hi Sindy
I read Savannah's book and it was a great read (recommended in an earlier post). I contacted her to thank her for writing it and she popped by to say hello to our little community. She said she'd try and put a link through to us from her website so we may get a few more people with probing questions.
I know it's been said that Davina should put all our musings into a book. Well Savannah's pretty well covers a lot of what we'ved talked about over the last year or so in her book. I'm sure she can find some new material here if she ever wants to write a follow up!
The book is written with sympathy to both sides and is a good guide to building a lasting relationship after the bombshell has been dropped. It's not all sugar coated and there are a few warnings to the crossdresser not to ignore his partners feelings.
I know that you say that there is not a huge pool of women looking for crossdressing men but equally I don't think that all women will run away when they find out. Savannah said she always makes it a priority early in the relationship to tell and so far it's worked OK for her.
Katie
Wow, I didn't expect that. You've literally written a book on all this, and it looks like one that might actually be helpful! I will be ordering my kindle version very soon!
I guess this means you've done a lot of exploring of your own reasons for crossdressing and what it means? So you must know what you're talking about! Katie does too, for the same reasons. Davina also. My own husband is a terrible communicator and he's very secretive and annoying about his dressing. Honestly, it took a major toll on our marriage a few years back and I actually told him I was leaving. And I did! But, we have kids to think about so we finally had a conversation about it all and I decided to change the situation, because I was tired of how it was going. I basically reminded my husband that he didn't share or halve anything when he told me - he lost all power over it. I was under no obligation to keep his secret, and for some reason, this never occurred to him.
I hate keeping other peoples secrets. I keep friends confidences because they've asked me if I'll do that. My husband didn't ask. He married me and then dumped it on me. Not cool! So I have since told some close friends in order to cope with all this and it has helped immensely. Have they told others? Who knows. That's my husband's problem now. I know it must sound mean of me, but I didn't ask to be a part of any of this and I sure didn't agree to carry the crossdressing burden. I don't even know how I can! It's not really halved is it, when you share. It's always your burden to carry and most of us don't even understand it enough to help! All telling someone does is remove your power over the information. It's a risky move.
It's true then, isn't it, that only a future where crossdressing is not socially stigmatised will end this risk and help your lives and relationships become easier. I also think though, that this will come with new issues as once you're visible in the world, you won't be able to meet people under the guise of 'normality' so to speak. Women will know you're crossdressers from day one and there's a big part of me that thinks that will come with less partner options and more loneliness for you all. At least when gay people come out they know there are other gay people they can form relationships with. There is no pool of crossdressing women for crossdressing men to wade in, and with plenty of non-crossdressing masculine men around, women don't need to engage with crossdressers unless that's their preference. I guess these are all the reasons why you stay so closeted, which doesn't work either. So the adjustment period will be difficult, but the men of the future will thank you! lol.
Anyway, just rambling, really. It's nice having people with insight writing here. Like I said, my husband is a man of few words so I chat here to actually make some sense of it all.
Thanks. :)
Dear Sindy,
Thank you for your kind words about my post. I appreciate the time and thought you put into your comments. I will try to respond with the same reverence.
Are we attention whores? Do we simply want to be validated as flamboyantly dressed feminine men that turn heads to be seen as curiosities or perversions? Personally, I do not. I am appreciative when someone opens the door for me or returns my smile. I also appreciate when I am treated with respect as “someone out in public just like everyone else”. To leave Savannah at home behind closed doors is to recognize that I am a shut-in who is not accepted in society. I do not go out to be giggled at or have people speak about me in hushed tones. I go out to prove to myself that I am a human being, regardless of my dress. Mind you, I do try to put as much effort as I can to affect a feminine appearance. You can look me up on Facebook @ savananh.hauk and you be the judge. I don’t see the negative looks. Wherever I go (Macy’s, Century 21 Department Store, Starbucks, Outback Steakhouse), I have been only greeted with a smile by the staff and interest/disinterest from other patrons. People have opened doors for me and have returned my smiles. Maybe, with the interaction of each person I meet, I can affect society a little bit at a time. Maybe.
As for sharing and over-sharing, I agree that to share a secret like the one we keep, it is important to know when and why to share. To do so blatantly and without regard to the other party is to not have empathy or sympathy for them. A secret shared is a secret halved. That statement is only true to the teller. The recipient of the secret now has an added burden on their shoulders. Be aware, though, that keeping this secret from a spouse or partner is something that weighs heavily on the heart every day. Lies always begot more lies – small and large.
Sindy, you asked what brought me to crossdressing, denoting an interesting point of whether crossing is “Something I am versus something I do?”. I have been crossdressing in one form or another since the age of 6- to 8-years old. For me it is something I AM. There is a calm and completeness of the spirit about becoming Savannah. The act (and art) of feminine dressing completes a part of me that I cannot explain in a way that would make much sense, I suppose. And, yes, I am relegated to artificial means to affect my feminine appearance (although don’t real women use makeup, Spanx, and push-up bras to do the same thing?) since I have no desire to affect a feminine appearance by more drastic medical means. I am happy in my male body for 95% of the time, just looking for a feminine façade for Savannah the rest of the time.
I hope I responded and provided answers to most of your questions, knowing that I may have missed an important point that you have made. For that I apologize, but I hope that you continue to ask questions in search of knowledge.
Warmest regards
Savannah
You can learn much more about me and the way I see the world in my book, “Living with Crossdressing: Defining a New Normal”. It is currently available at Amazon.com and other ebook outlets. https://www.amazon.com/Living-Crossdressing-Defining-New-Normal/dp/0991470230
Sindy,
Thank you for your kind words. I will respond as best as I can soon!
Warmest regards
Savannah
Most people like to comply to the social norms. If you don't comply then you will always be subject to staring, tutting and giggling. Even so in most cases people are just happy to get on with their own lives without paying too much attention to anybody who falls outside of the social norm. In fact in some instances we do our best to ignore these people altogether.
In some cases people who fall outside of the social norm will group together, LBGT is a typical example of likeminded people coming together to share, socialise and fight for recogition in the mainstream. Going to a trans event or trans friendly surrounding give you comfort of being in the company of likeminded individuals.
From annicdotal evidence and my own experience of dressing for a personal shopper the feedback was only positive. I was accepted and in most instances the crossdresser is ingnored as long a they aren't too way out.
I once follwed a crossdresser down the road. Not at all convincing, must have been 6'6' in heels and built like a rugby player. There were a few glances back but in most cases people just walked on by. There were no pitch forks or tourches with angry locals driving them out of town.
I sometimes wonder if the fears we have about rejection is actually in our own heads and that really people don't care. And if they do, then are they really worth bothering about? Saying that is it really worth running the risk of 'discovery'. Keeping your secret to those you love and trust is important. Thre is no need to shout it frm the roof tops but equally you should need to hide away if you want to get out and face the world.
I think, Sindy, you've said before that if we want mainstream acceptance then we must get out into the real world and face those 'muggles'.
It is so difficult to pinpoint exactly why I feel the need to crossdress. But when crossdressers say it is part of them they mean that it is not a choice, it is part of their personality, their makeup . You can either like something or not. Some people like football whilst others hate it, some will like certain foods whereas others are repulsed by the same food. Why?
Katie
Hi Savannah. Thought provoking post. I really like your advice to everyone. :-)
I'm one of the wives who also doesn't understand crossdressers who 'go out' and engage the world at large. Surely validation doesn't literally come from polite smiles shadowed with staring and giggling? Let's be honest here, unless you're that 1% guy who can pass undetected, most of you do draw attention in a less-than positive way. Is this giving you the validation that you need? I know you don't want crossdressing to be seen as bad and fearful, but why does it even matter what anyone else thinks? Most people try and avoid social ridicule as, wrong or not, it severely impedes our work and relationship options. That means keeping a lid on unusual personal preferences. We all live by these rules and most people just get on with it, resigning themselves to the fact that very few will truly know who they are. But not crossdressers. Crossdressers are obsessed with people knowing and seeing. That's why I'll be honest and say I can't help feeling there's an element of exhibitionism to public crossdressing. Or crossdressing in general...?
As for telling people - I'm also firmly in the 'why do they need to know' camp. I know it makes you feel accepted as a person. But I also think it's not mentioned enough that people can over-share, and that most of us prefer to know as little about the personal 'quirks' of others as we possibly can lol. Especially if it's something as specific as crossdressing. Unless the person you're telling is also a crossdresser, the interest level will not be equal between the two and that can make things uncomfortable. I know there's a desire to chat about fashion etc with women, but grown women rarely do this and our conversations are not much different than those of grown men. Again, your 'own kind' are surely the best option for sharing and shopping.
Can I ask, Savannah, how you came to be a crossdresser, and why you feel it's a reflection of who you are, rather than just something you do? It's always intrigued me when men say their crossdressing is a 'part of them', while we're all here on the other side viewing the artificial wigs and boobs and dresses and heels and thinking, 'it sure doesn't look it'. Honestly, it looks like such a fantasy-driven costume thing, that to share it with people and take it public can really confuse the rest of us. Does that make sense? Unless you're crossdressing 24/7, when you tell people, are you not just over-sharing?
Definitely an interesting post.
Welcome Savannah!!
It's true we deliberate and find ourselves bursting with excitement about sharing our secret with someone and seeing some acceptance and tremble about anyone else finding out or rather when we tell our wives etc it's more likely they tremble about someone finding out.
Who they truly are. I'm a bloke a father, husband, Engineer legend in my own head and part time crossdresser but the crossdresser is occasional the other stuff takes priority.
I've told my wife and she wants no one else to know so no one else we know will be told.
I've put in another post I've told wifes friends but knowing the father, husband, engineer legend in my own head that is me 99% of the time they assumed I was pulling their legs.
Reasons why I feel that sharing Davina is so important?
Is it because I am looking to shock the person with the news? Nope
Is it because I want praise or adoration? Nope
Do I feel the need to vindicate myself in some way? Nope
Or, is sharing my story a result of the strength of our friendship and kindred spirits? Nope
Would my reason be I want people to understand crossdressing and why people do it? To find acceptance of something I sometimes do.. but would only explore this if someone found out.
There is the risk wives fear that if someone finds out the secret is out and may multiply.
've asked my wife if shes confided in anyone she says no. Doesnt bother me if she has but would rather know if she has and who she might have told.
Sharing here or on a site like TV chix is good but it would be nice to just be able to talk about crossdressing with someone.. I find wives clam up don't really want to talk about it.
Another T girl or a more accepting wife or GF would be fab to just openly discuss dressing and womens clothing, makeup etc.. a girly chat but I'm sure wives don't really want to have this conversation.
I've brought up the going out thing hard to explain why apart from it does get boring confined to the house chatting on tvchix and it might be nice to go out chat to others face to face as Davina .. If I ever manage this it might be fun or it might not be .. may be a one off and never again who knows.
I wrote the post a littel while ago https://cdtra007.wixsite.com/whydomencrossdress/forum/why-do-men-crossdress/confessing-that-we-crossdress. I think the article explains alot about the need we feel to share including the need to feel loved, accepted and validated.
Katie
Katie
There's a inherent need to want to share who we are. It stems from a want to be accepted, be loved, and to find validation.
My girlfriend always asked me why it was so important to "go out". Why couldn't I simply dress at home? The simple answer is for the same reasons as stated above. Forced to stay home re-enforces the fact that who I am is something undesirable, to be made fun of, or even feared.
Hi Savannah
Welcome to our little community.
I've often thought about telling my sister but the question has always been 'Why?'. She has enough stresses in her life not to want to burden her with mine so I've always kept quite. On reflection it's probably a selfish need that I want to tell her. I want somebody I can share my crossdressing with and I know she'd be very supportive - there's enough diversity in our family not for it to be an issue.
I don't have any close female friends, or at least female friend who are not the other half to a close male friend so it's not an option to share with them!
Sharing hear is easy because it's annoymous but there are times when I'd just love to talk about fashion, shoes etc with someone who's there in real life.
Katie