By: Sarah Tgirl

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Telling the family

To be honest it's hard for a man to express any thought criticise your wife or a woman you're sexist yet a woman can say and do what she likes.

My wife's gone from a bubbly size 10 to a boring lazy size 20 I've tried to be patient and kind but she's lost all effort to lose weight she says she's content. I would be too if I had a husband who does everything and all she does is sit there eat and watch tv. A walk to the park is a why do I want to do that and a walk half a mile to the pub is lets get a taxi.

I've forgotten intimacy and sex so what have I got work hose work and oh I crossdress so I'm a bad person.

Should I just let her get bigger and lazier and our marriage deteriorate more and more women have no idea but I'm wrong women have such hard lives men are just there to work and work.

Like Davina said we need marriage councelling for her not for me maybe it will kick her into gear and I can say all this to her and how it's affected me and I'm not afraid to tell the councillors that I've turned to crossdressing for escapism to feel and see nice clothes on someone and to get myself off.

I'm a bad person though obviously as the women is always the one us men put down.

This may not be the right forum but it's an open one which I appreciate and somewhere for some support and nice chat but it's not all about the wife people need to realise men aren't always as strong as women think mentally and we have needs too.

Maybe it would be better if I didn't work or cook and clean and went to the pub every night as at my wits end with her and her contentment

By: Sindy

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Telling the family

And for the record, I've done all these things with my husband that Emma writes of here...I just didn't enjoy it much, like I don't enjoy golf. We can have a laugh about it now and again and it's not all seriousness and misery. I don't like it but I get on with it and he accepts me as I accept him.

So call me or any other wife close-minded if you like, yet close-minded wives are really just women married to husbands who can't be bothered helping her learn or adjust or even bothering to understand her side of things.

And there are ALWAYS two sides. But reading here, I realize some people will only ever see their own.

I feel we have gone backwards many steps...but the discussion is real and raw and I appreciate that. I just can't continue as it's not the right forum for it.

By: Sindy

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Telling the family

You do write 'sexist pig' things about women. You keep complaining that your wife makes no effort with personal grooming anymore and this has caused you to crossdress. Insulting much?! Blaming others for your issues is really low.

This conversation highlights everything wrong with crossdressers and marriage. I can't even comment on most of it as it's so exasperating that I actually feel sorry for your wife. I initially felt sorry for you and figured she was depressed and not pulling her end. But bloody hell, maybe she's picked up on the vibe that you're giving off here - the 'entitlement' vibe that seems to come like a package deal with so many crossdressing men. Men whining that they should be allowed to do whatever they like and their meanie wives are standing in the way. Men who clearly have a few mommy issues.

And Emma is lovely and one of a kind but I'd bet she's not running around chasing down crossdressers because she thinks you're all special flowers. She happened to end up with an unselfish, nice guy who crossdresses and is making the best of it. She's lucky that she's naturally open to this with her partner and TOGETHER they're working it out.

But if you think there's a big pool of women whose entire existence is to accomodate the needs of crossdressing men and do their bidding, dress as they desire, and be open minded to the point of braindead while the rest of us are just close-minded bitches, well yes, these women exist. They also charge a hefty fee!

I can't discuss this anymore. It's too infuriating.

By: Sarah Tgirl

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Telling the family

I far prefer Emma

She seems more sensible and with the times and open minded and can see the bigger picture not the brainwashed version of he man she women he dress this way and do these things she dress that way or any way and do those things the two shall never cross cross.

If I wrote certain things about women like some people write about men who crossdress I'd be called a sexist pig but there you go equality for all unless you decide to wear a dress.

Diversity and inclusion ring any bells?

It is just clothes, makeup etc and women do stop making an effort and no one give a $hit how us men feel about it as we're not allowed to have feelings or become depressed or show any weakness so if we crossdress that's then grounds for divorce what a sad world we live in.

For some it may be more than dressing Davina what's your thoughts?

By: Sindy

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Telling the family

And forgive my snarkiness here but I didn't join this chit chat to sugarcoat the crossdressing life. Half the damn problem with our marriages is the delusion and denial and selfishness that this behavior can bring.

If you want a happy relationship AND you want to crossdress, then facing the truth of what problems YOU bring to the marriage is half the battle. It's not all about wives sucking it up and becoming someone they're not. Otherwise you'd have us all teetering about in skirts and heels while you did the same. This is not the 1950's. Seriously, you live in La La Land!

Deal with the truth, or live with the consequences of your lies.

Rant over.

By: Sindy

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Telling the family

Only if he's a selfish git who expects her to join in!

Remember, this was a response to Katie's comment about telling parents etc. so read that first and mine makes more sense.

And I don't care why you crossdress Sarah as that's got nothing to do with me and everything to do with you. I also haven't said men shouldn't tell about the dressing as most wives wanted to be told from day one! What I did say is acceptance is not the same as participation, and for all the banging on about it being 'just clothes' I think we know that's BS. If it's just clothes then just stop wearing them already. That should be easy to do if it's such a minor thing in your life.

But it's not is it. It's far more. And you expect a wife who didn't know about this side of you to accept it and just shrug her shoulders as though it doesn't affect how she sees you or the person you are, as though pretending to be a woman is completely ordinary behavior and we should be grateful you shared it with us. Like, wtf? Are you grateful your wife doesn't dress feminine anymore? Or has it affected how you view her?

And on a side note, have you told your parents Sarah? If not, why not? Are you worried how they might view you? And why would that be?

Women are visual creatures too. Not nearly as much as men but enough that hiding your masculinity under female clothing etc is not appealing for most and can be considered an unforgivable lie if it's hidden for long enough. You are not the same person to her, even if you don't get that. Though I'm guessing if your wife informed you she wanted to look like Clive James every second weekend, complete with a fake penis and hairy chest, and have a boys night in with you that you might suddenly see the light.

Of course, the irony here is that there's endless whinging that women don't dress feminine enough anymore and we all wear male type clothing, yet here you are dressing like a woman. Seriously, you can't see the insanity in these comments?

Men are hypocrites. That's a broad statement but dammit it's the bloody truth.

By: Sarah Tgirl

Subject: Re: Re: Telling the family

Sindy

That's a sad sad response to read

If women made more effort for their husbands as husbands make for their wives remembering a man didn't marry a woman to mow the lawn, paint and decorate, change the tyres and look after her car, do the majority of the house work... Then maybe less men would crossdress maybe less men would continue compensation crossdressing wearing things their wives used to wear or should we divorce wives who no longer seem to care or make and effort and find another more willing model?

It's a trap isn't it like a preying mantis the woman entices the man with glamour and beauty and character then snares the man marries him has a few kids then sod the man life goals achieved let's watch crap cookery programs on tv.

Sharing this part of us isn't something we do lightly and yes we tell our wives as believe it or not despite the lack of effort they give us to be polite and to look nice for themselves as much for us it's a bloody hard thing to admit and share with someone.

Why would we tell our parents where did that come from.

Confiding this in our wives is an act of trust and a level of understanding can be reached.

For gods sake it's only clothes and image which someone has brainwashed into everyone that a dress and lipstick and high heels and all this sexy lingerie belongs firmly to a woman and if a man tries these garments on he's a sick pervert but women feel free to dress like men dress.. Equality my backside

Do you think we wouldn't wish we never came across crossdressing but it's turned into a coping escapism for a lot of blokes a strange one granted but you've just destroyed many a Crossdressers intention to tell his wife about his crossdressing with the view above.

By: Sindy

Subject: Re: Telling the family

I think we all want a partner who will accept our 'crazy'. I get that.

What irks me is the participation issue. When crossdressers say they only want acceptance from their wives then a wife who doesn't divorce him over crossdressing IS accepting.

But, in reality, what a crossdresser is REALLY saying is I want a wife who ENJOYS cross dressing and will happily participate. Huge difference. This is the irk part as these same men never felt it necessary for their mothers or fathers to participate. They never waltzed into Christmas dinner in a wig and ball gown and told everyone to call them Mary. They seemed to understand that Ma and Pa wouldn't find this enjoyable.

So why do wives cop the raw deal and often get bullied into involvement or, enter the violins, he'll feel rejected and even angry. There are probably millions of online forum posts from husbands lamenting the wife's evil intolerant ways because she won't apply his make up or have a 'girls night in' or share clothing together, so maybe he should force these things on her. Why is she given less respect than his parents? I find some of the behaviour or crossdressers to border on emotional abuse.

So is it this intimacy you mention, Katie? Is it an intimate activity so you assume it need be shared with an intimate partner? Yet, most of you didn't marry a woman who likes crossdressing so that's really your bad. Activities between spouses are only considered intimate if both parties view it as such.

And can you explain to me what's going through the mind of your younger selves when you're doing all this? Do you seriously stand there in wigs and heels and think 'Oh yeh, I can't wait to share this with women...they're gonna find it so sexy'. (Remember, Emma is rare. I admire her evolution here, yet it's rare. We need to put that out there so it's not forgotten in the chit chat. You're one of a kind Emma, and you'll have cross dressers hammering down your door if you ever leave your hubby lol. x)

Anyway, I hope teenage crossdressers aren't thinking these thoughts. If so, there's some urgent sex education needed for future crossdressers everywhere. Maybe if men understood that most women are not turned on by crossdressing and acceptance and participation are not one and the same, more marriages would be happier.

Here's a tip for crossdressers everywhere - if your wife hates the dressing but she hasn't left you, she has accepted your 'crazy' so move on already and give her the respect you give everyone else. Otherwise, your wife might start to believe you care more about the postman who you apparently respect enough not to dress around.

If you stop caring altogether and decide to dress around everyone, well there's a word for that but I won't write it here as it's too rude lol.

By: Katie

Subject: Telling the family

Hi all

Sindy raised a question a little while back about why do we tell our wives and partners but not our parents or siblings.

I've been thinking about this and think that a lot of it is to do with maturity and the different types of love we have for people.

Many of us start crossdressing when we are young. I think young kids get the opportunity to play dress up but at some point parents will stop the behaviour telling you it is wrong. From that point on it becomes a secret because you're told it is wrong and you don't want to your parent to know.

I think that as it becomes a sexual thing the chances of discussing it with parents declines even further. After all discussing anything sexual with your parents is cringe worthy!

Once the pattern is set it's difficult to break.

For wives and partners I think the need to tell is to do with intimacy. This is a deep secret and I just feel sharing it is about love and trust. The love you have for your parents is different to that of your wife or partner.

I know it doesn't always come across that way and sometimes the secret is kept but deep down I think we'd all share if we knew the outcome would be good.

By: Davina

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Secrets

I wouldn't expect my wife to ask my permission or discuss with me telling someone else if she had to but the logical thing would be to discuss it first.. My thoughts were more i’d want to know if she’d told anyone.

The problem is once a secret is shared with someone outside the circle of two you no longer have any control over who knows about it and tell the wrong person and the secret is out and then if you live in Albert Square you get blackmailed. lol.

Men don’t tell their wives about this important issue before marriage because… um … no idea.. I could have told my wife but personally in the time before we married I’d virtually stopped crossdressing. It was after we’d married that my crossdressing.. makeup, wig etc cracked on to where I am today.. What’s worse the guy who crossdresses fully and tells his wife or the guy trying on his wifes things behind her back and putting them back neatly where he found them?

So, let's say my wife has told a friend or sister or someone. How do we feel knowing we’ve lost control of our secret?

I wouldn’t be worried as obviously she needed to confide in someone else and for me it may be someone else we could talk to about it and educate about crossdressing.

Does this make me question whether I should have shared this at all? No as I told my wife as I love and trusted her with this thing I do and knew she would eventually understand it sorta understand it anyway. Plus as you may suspect better to tell today than to be caught tomorrow so a selfish element but more to do with not wanting her finding out by walking in on me crossdressed.

Agreed Crossdressing needn't be serious. harmful or important, but it sure can complicate a man's life… Easier if your wife knows and can get her head around it a little bit as something which is weird and unusual but not harmful or perverted or any other cliché nonsense.

Crossdressing is seen as a bit of a joke I hear it at least once per week in work 'Only at the weekends' and there maybe a bit of leg pulling amongst the circle of friends if it got out but I agree with Katie nothing worse.

Keep asking questions Sindy!!

By: Katie

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Secrets

I think if most people found out they'd be of the opinion that they don't understand it, it's personal and that it wouldn't get mentioned in polite company to save any embarrassment to all concerned.

I can also assure you that men can think of far worse things to annoy their wives than crossdressing lol.

I guess a foot in both camps is progress?

By: Sindy

Subject: Re: Re: Secrets

I agree! I wrote earlier about some heavy secrets I know from close friends, and I haven't and will never tell my husband them. So I get what you're saying and I think it's true. The weight of the secret I think deciphers how far it will spread. If it's very heavy, I think it stops dead at the first share. If it's a light, silly secret, or something someone has a personal problem with, it will be all over Facebook in no time!

You and I aren't about to share this with people who will think lightly or poorly of it, I'm sure. If family found out (extended included) I imagine even the in laws would try to forget the information rather than put it on social media. The closer the relationship to you, the more it also affects their self image. So it's probably best not to tell your homophobic brother in law, but if he did find out his own embarrassment would stop him talking, and everyone else will want it forgotten.

Sort of sad people think of crossdressing this way, isn't it? And I'll admit I'm not much better. I understand so much more than I did, but I still have moments when I think my husband is just doing this to be annoying. Like he needs to just grow up and get over it already.

I also know now, that as long as I have these negative thoughts, but can talk here and remember the truth, that it can be helpful. I can see both sides this way. I still relate fully to the upset wife while also understanding how you feel and being able to feel compassion for my husband. I don't know how long this phase will last, but while I'm in it, I feel like wives should just throw questions at me and I'll answer from both sides haha.

By: Katie

Subject: Re: Secrets

You're right. Once you tell someone a secret you lose control and there is no way of getting it back but that's the risk you take.

I think that that is one of the main reasons crossdressers don't tell their wives. It's not a matter of not trusting them it's matter of losing control. It also means that the person you love is burdened with the secret and all the worries and concerns it brings.

How would I feel if my wife told someone else?

To a degree it would be a relief as I 'd know that she was actually thinking about it and processing the information. I also know that she'd have to trust the person she told implicitly for all the reasons we've discussed before in the blog.

I think if she did tell one of her friends then it wouldn't be a particular issue knowing my wife friends. I don't think they'd be freaked out.

Yes Id' lose control and may worry but there is nothing I can do. The more fuss you make the worse it will probably be. Just have to laugh and get on with it.

Maybe the consequences of it being out wouldn't be as dramatic as we all think. I think transitioning has a far more dramatic affect on someones life and that of their family than just wearing a dress.

Crossdressing is seen as a bit of a joke 'Only at the weekends' and there maybe a bit of leg pulling but nothing worse. And if there was anything worse then it really speaks volumes about that person and not the crossdresser.

I have a few secrets that I've been told. I'm not sure if I'm he only one who knows but I know the consequences of telling wouldn't be good so I'd never divulged. I think that most people understand the consequences of letting out a secret and can make a rational judgement. If it's just tittle tattle then it might slip out - sometimes the reason for sharing is subconsciously to let it out. But equally if it is a serious subject thenmopst people can be trusted not to share. I've not shared these secrets with my wife because she doesn't need to know and it would affect her opinion of people close to her. I don't believe people need to know everything about everyone as sometimes that just makes life too complicated.