Found the right time to talk to your wife yet Katie?

Hannah (wife)

Davina that's a small article not a reply but think you're right Katie needs to find thebrigjt time place and opportunity and have that talk for her own sanity and to see where her wife is at

Take a big gulp and do it

Hannah

Esme understands the angst we go through but it is also in comparison the angst and shock and fear women feel when their husbands confess they are secret crossdressers.

For many years they’ve been married to us unaware and thinking they have a “normal” relationship with a husband and father etc etc so it’s a massive shock when they find out we crossdress and I can see how it would freak them out with comments such as this is part of me or the real me.

Wives grew up in a world where crossdressing didn't enter their minds and with the society norm was frowned upon and even ridiculed. They don’t have to accept this part of us or have anything to do with it and if this is the case we need to know it and if it’s the final say or room for future negotiation / renegotiation as it can be a lonely hobby.

I’m trying to see it from their point of view where they will ignore all the claims of deep seated guilt and anguish for being a crossdresser and feeling ashamed comparing it to how they must feel discovering and wondering what the future holds married to a T-girl. Your wife may well have contemplated all this and then thought out of sight out of mind I’ll ignore it unless it rears its head?

I get the fear about posts, blogs and articles from other crossdressers who wives have rejected them, divorced them, humiliated them I guess I knew Esme would take me confessing (Her asking to make me up gave me a little impression she’d be ok even if that was unrelated) but I knew my wife I knew our love and that we’re best friends as well as lovers and husband and wife and meant to be together like peas in a pod like stockinged feet in stilletoes lol and I was confident I could explain my crossdressing the same as I feel I could explain it away if I was ever discovered as a crossdresser by someone else. It really wouldn’t worry me having to explain myself any more.

It would worry Esme who doesnt want anyone to know for her self not for me as she’d be the one married to the weird crossdresser.

I understand you anxiety that your wife may reject you but only you know her well enough to know if she can handle the talk and take the baby steps and set up agreements around your dressing and where you want it to go in your lives.

The feeling ashamed even though she knows makes me think you think she would be ashamed of you? She may think less of you? Is this likely in reality?

I would say if as a man you’re the man she married and everything she saw in you then is still available to her you occasionally crossdressing wont be a problem. See the % / year I crossdress below…

As it stands she knows you’re a crossdresser and hasn't run for the hills or told anyone else.

It is difficult to talk about been there got a few t shirts over the years struggling to convey my feelings to Esme and struggling to get her feelings towards me dressing out of her as that's important for us to know but I had to force myself to bite the bullet and ask her to talk about it and sometimes I fretted over it and stressed myself out over wanting to talk to her for weeks and sometimes she would shoot me down and change the subject so I’d have to go through it all over again and seek that opportunity or sometimes like now if she subconsciously closes the conversation down or not I think sod it I’ve brought it up we need to carry on talking it needs to get off my chest all the while trying to read the levels of “Fk off I dont want to talk about this now” emanating from her lol there is an art to this.

Do you think your wife would think it a sin or a betrayal if not forget those aspects..

Crossdressing is nothing to be ashamed of breaking it down the perspective of worse things you could have as a vice or urge.

What will the neighbours think is a separate matter as all we initially want and what we’re talking about here is a wifes acceptance in private not the wider world or going out the front door or what women think others would think as above Esme doesnt want anyone to know I crossdress as shes the one married to a weirdo crossdresser affects her and believe other t girls wives have said similar… what would the neighbours think is is all too early for that right at the start of basic need to communicate with your wife about your urges and need and want to crossdress and for her acceptance and her agreement and her possibly being part of it.

What Esme meant by grow some balls is take that deep breath and do it sit her down and have the talk or you will torment yourself further and be more and more ashamed to the point it affects your health and may affect your urge to crossdress. Been there got that tshirt too.

Telling you to man up is her way of saying talk to your wife or don't talk to your wife the ball is in your court as to date she’s filed it in the “I’m ignoring his crossdressing” filing cabinet and I have to agree with the ladies more letters may not be the answer particularly as the last one she left unread on the bedside table for a long time or maybe read it put it back not wanting you to know she read it or whatever as the talk didnt happen following it being given to her… if one more is delivered, it needs to emphasise that what you really really really want to do is sit down uninterrupted and have a good long discussion around crossdressing asking her to make you spit out everything you want said, then you may get the empathy and understanding you desire from your wife (show her the forum or part of it skipping Hannahs posts lol) but also bear in mind she will need your support in turn as no doubt some of this will be upsetting for her so you will need to allay her fears and concerns.

There is a spectrum of Trans including crossdressing and splitting it left and right is an easy way to explain this to a wife as to the left is the guy who tries on his gfs knickers and to the right is the Transexual fully transformed and for all intents and purposes now a women and we fall somewhere left of centre.

This is not a spectrum of femininity or masculinity its a scale of how Trans you are or aren't.. move more to the right and the trans becomes Trans then TRans then eventually TRANS.

Growing a beard some women may say increases your masculinity but that's not what we’re discussing here we’re discussing Crossdressing and where you stand with it and how you feel about it yourself then how you feel about it considering your wife ie Ashamed and how you can only overcome this by talking to her.

I don't like being defined as Trans although I’m in the Trans spectrum (fine with that terminology) but you do differentiate to what Esme and Emma refer to as you are calling the Trans woman you met a Trans woman.

“Your definition of Trans* includes crossdressers, t girls, transvestites, trans women, gender fluid etc. [So like a Trans Spectrum then? Lol] You can then break it down into subsections and each subsection broken down further. Crossdressers can be further broken down into different types… [like a trans spectrum left to right?] Eventually you end up with an individual although we may have certain traits within different groups.

You see that your post says you’re not a trans woman and that the definition trans women is what myself, Esme and Emma are thinking when you say Trans.

You differentiate yourself from it yourself which may just be down to your own definition of what a trans woman is but to a few readers so far calling yourself Trans to us indicates the Trans woman or that's what springs to mind which is why we don't seem to like being called Trans or Transvestites but happy to accept we all site within a trans spectrum somewhere along the line left of centre as crossdressers or the more modern term T-Girls which you can hit me back with is Trans Girls or Trans women … but it’s not as it’s just as catchy name for a crossdresser.

Esme / Emma are you ok with the term T-Girl? Compared to Trans or Trans woman to bracket us left of centre Crossdressers?

Some stats

I am a man 100% of the time with 99% of a year spent as a man and 1-2% of the total hours in a year spent crossdressed. In those terms dressing 10-12 times per year for anything from 1 to 6 hours isn't a dent in the time I spend as a man or rather dressed as a man.. Insignificant. In this calculation if I spend 1-2% of my time per year dressed as a woman what difference does it make.

If I upped this to 10% then thats 800+hours per year as Davina 50% 4380 hours per year and cause for concern for Esme maybe but as it is 12 times on average 5 hours = 60 hours per year crossdressed in 2018 which is less than 1% that is without factoring out a lot of hours asleep but I could be dressed asleep lol something i’ve never done… Esme ok if I wear stockings and a lacy basque in bed… thought not lol.

Put it into perspective for your wife maybe work out the percentage you spend dressed and fator it in this way.

Would I like to dress more than less than 1% of the year.. Yes probably given greater opportunity as I do feel the fun of it and the relaxation of doing it is good for my health (Mental health) and Esme realises this.

It’s hard however to get this into your wifes head that it is beneficial to you mentally as to them you’re dressing up as a woman putting on womens clothing and its weird it is bloody weird I can admit this myself but way past caring why and that is is weird as I like doing it so why would I stop. Yes it is weird which is why it needs explaining and its better to explain talking than in print due to the way in which something can be read or skim read.

I advise on the letter as its what worked for me even though it made Esme cry and freaked her out to read a bit about my crossdressing history as a kid etc putting it all down in print as wanted her to know it wasn't her it was me and something id done for a long time but it was talking that moved us along and Emma if I recall did the same with her husband albeit she found him dressed and then came looking for advice read the blog got involved and she faced him with having to talk about it and her acceptance running things by us then talking more to him meant what took me and Esme 8 years took her a matter of months.

Letters are a great opener but there comes a time when you need to talk for your own sanity.

The ice breaker which broke the ice then froze over.

I think my advice in the future would be to write the letter be there for questions and if time’s required don't let it linger too long or its pushed away then becomes the elephant in the room and far too awkward to bring up… there are people I see regularly in work they know my name and I've known them for a number of years past the point I can say sorry “what is your name?”

Your reply wasn't harsh neither was Esme and Emma as I'm sure they want to help you progress and I read their replies as what are you waiting for? You’re an intelligent man just bite the bullet and do it and I think its my advice to you also as you know your wife we don't.

Can she take the sit down talk? What is your gut telling you?

Hi

I asked the same question on another forum and the vast majority of replies where from other crossdressers who have the same feelings. You have to remember that for many of us these feelings have been suppressed since we were young boys. We grew up in a world where crossdressing was the butt of many jokes (Dick Emery, Les Dawson and more recently Little Britain) and wrong. Can you think of any positive crossdressing role models that a boy growing up in the 60s and 70s (or even now) can use to think that he is normal?

So we grow up with this deep-seated shame. Layer in guilt and insecurities and you have a toxic mix of emotions so it is no wonder we feel it difficult to open up. Then add in posts, blogs and articles from other crossdressers who wives have rejected them, divorced them, humiliated them and suddenly you can start to understand why we find it so difficult to talk. To some wives it is unnatural, a sin, a betrayal and feelings run high on both sides.

It doesn't matter how many times you tell yourself it's normal and nothing to be ashamed of the feelings still persist. It is uncomfortable for all concern I know. Many accepting wives will still not walk out the front door with their husbands because of 'what will the neighbours think?'

So 'growing some balls' isn't going to solve the problem. Telling a crossdresser to man up and ignore these emotions doesn't work. It's like telling someone with depression to pull themselves together. What is needed is empathy and understanding, they are the cures for shame. I'm sure my wife can offer me both those once I can overcome the fear.

I don't think I'm really any different to Davina accept the angle I approach my crossdressing. I don't think there is a spectrum which you move up and down. As I explained in a previous post I can increase and decrease masculinity and femininity at the same time. A spectrum suggests if you decrease masculinity you increase femininity. For instance if I grow a beard does that make me more or less masculine? If at the same time I decide to shave my body does that make me more of less feminine. If I then put on a dress for two hour my femininity will increase but decrease once I take it off and put on a hoodie and jeans. So I don't sit on a rigid spectrum my gender expression changes by the hour sometimes. I don't feel 80% male and 20% female (Katie) I just think of me as being me and how I dress will change the perception of my femininity or masculinity.

Katie was the name of my Nan's dog and I picked it when I needed to set up a profile online so it's not some alter ego. It just makes life easier to have a feminine name when on a forum as it preserves anonymity.

My definition of Trans* includes crossdressers, t girls, transvestites, trans women, gender fluid etc. It is a broad term and the modern accepted way to describe us all. You can then break it down into subsections and each subsection broken down further. Crossdressers can be further broken down into different types. Eventually you end up with an individual although we may have certain traits within different groups.

I don't consider myself to be a trans woman. I have never felt that I was born in the wrong body. I don't suffer the dysphoria that trans people feel. I enjoy my male privileges and the male side of my life to change that part of me. Having chatted to a trans woman the decision to change gender permanently is immense and life changing and a huge sacrifice. Anyone transitioning in later life has their whole life turned upside down and although they may finally be at peace internally often their outside life is very complicated and not always happy.

When I say I have come to terms with my crossdressing I mean that I know it will not go away. so purging and putting my stuff away is not an option. I've meet other people face to face and talked about my crossdressing with no shame. That is my acceptance. It is just that the one person I care the most about in the world is the one I fear about being rejected by, or at least being diminished in her eyes as i explained in the letter.

I have written two letters in 5 years. One to explain about what crossdressing means to me and the other covering other issues too which we did discuss. The letter was only intended as an ice breaker for her to read in front of me. I toned down the second letter and it is not long or lengthy but really cover how I feel emotionally. I wanted to give her a basis for our discussion instead of saying 'we need to talk about my crossdressing' and then clamming up again. I just felt that once the information is in her hands I cannot go back and have to discuss it with her. I've tried so many times to start a conversation but the emotions just get in the way.

I hope I haven't been too harsh in my reply as I appreciate your honesty and support but felt I needed to explain more from my side of the fence. I know that the written word is not a substitute for an actual face to face conversation and quite often things that are written down can be interpreted in different ways.

Katie x

I agree with Esme letters haven't worked it's time to talk.

I would worry if my husband wrote that letter especially the way in which it begins and leaves a lot of questions which may worry your wife.

Deep breath find opportunity to talk and be prepared for years from both of you but I think you'll be ok

Emma (wife)

Katie

Are you ashamed? If you are ashamed then stop, purge your wardrobe and stop dressing or grow some balls and dress and forget the guilt and being ashamed and get on with it.

When Davina wanted to always reassure me I didnt know what to say and he one day told me how guilty he felt for putting me through this and I said the same to him “Either stop doing it or just get on with it”

With regard to the letter as I’ve just advised Catriona forget letters bite the bullet and talk to your wife. Dont allow yourself to clam up but also don’t blurt out nonsense. It’s something you’ve decided to do so own it and get on with it.

I note you say you are Trans and I think Davina and Emma have voiced opinion on it as if Davina said to me he was Trans I would worry he has moved closer to wanting to dress full time or all the time. I know the definitions and have seen your explanation but reading into your being ashamed and also the letter to your wife you’re feeling a lot of guilt and maybe you are further to the right of the Trans Spectrum than Davina who dresses for fun and relaxing and doesnt think of it too seriously. I detect you think of your dressing more seriously as a bigger part of you than Davina.

Don’t let fear, guilt, insecurity and shame stop you every time you want to start a conversation about crossdressing. As I’ve said grow some balls and continue dressing or stop and likewise grow some balls and talk to your wife or you’ll keep bottling it and she may end up thinking it will go away.

I dont read that you’ve come to terms with your crossdressing or the guilt and shame wouldnt be there.

As I said to Catriona it is weird for a wife to read that “Katie” is part of your personality and part of who you are. I suppose “Davina” is in part of my husband but it’s hard to read something like that and he doesn’t think of himself as “Davina” just dresses occasionally and uses it as a name.

I’m sure your wife would think better of you if you were able to talk about it and I’m sure she doesn’t think that you don’t measure up to other men as currently shes oblivious to your crossdressing which you continue to do in secret.

You need to explain to her that you’ve crossdressed or had these feelings since very young although that may make her think there is more to it as we see more and more on TV and in magazines how men believe from a young age they were born in the wrong body so that needs to be one of the foremost things you need to explain that although you’ve had the urge and these what you call female feelings it doesnt mean you want to live as a woman or be a woman. Unless you do?

You want her acceptance but letters havent worked as having written a letter previously she didnt spark up conversation around your crossdressing so you are virtually back to square one like Catriona and need a sit down and talk. Only you can pluck up the courage to tell her you need to talk but not in such a dramatic way as in which you started your letter.

It may be the hardest thing you have to bring up with her but you are in effect then transferring emotions to her. You start however from a position where she knows you crossdress so have a starting point and I would say she’s ignored it so its up to you to make the next move.

You need to make small steps its not a sprint to acceptance its a marathon.

Good luck

Esme :)

Davina, if you remember, I think i did post something about actually telling my wife i was on this forum and I wanted her to join, and she said she would think about it, I might mention it again and point her in the direction of the blog.

I'll get Esme back here later give me an opportunity to Get her back on the forum.

She doesn't realise the amount of knowledge and help she can give here.

Also missing Sindy and what she'd have to say to you and Cat about your wives and communication.

I'll ask Esme to read and comment.

She will give it a woman's perspective and may add some possible questions.

The letter thing worked for me at the start but Esme s acceptance of me crossdressing was when we started talking met with Esme saying I don't know wha byou want from me? Or what you want me to say at first to me telling her I wanted a wig, I wanted to try makeup progressing to after a few years of dressing indoors to girls nights in and a want to go out.

It all took time and 5 years is pretty long time.. try 8 between telling Esme I was a crossdresser to her seeing me dressed etc ext or a few months in Emma's case but she came here read up on our chats and found her eureka moment and embraced her husband's dressing and Rebecca likewise .. not forgetting Hannah who started off doubting everything much like Sindy but all of us went through the claiming up and heads in the sand process.

Maybe show your wives the blog I put together and say this is sort of like me as none of us are the same.. mine charts beginning to end from early days to current and the forum or show them the forum and show you're wives you're not alone and that there are other wives here which is a safer place to come than tvchix or to an agony aunt.

Neither of you mentioned the forum as a place to come for some support maybe chatting to other wives (may be not Hannah) could be the key to opening up communication and striking a deal on your need to crossdress.

Hi

I've taken on board you comments Davina and looked at Cat's letter. So here is my second attempt:

'I know. Another one of my letters but I don't know how else I can break the circle that keeps on going around in my head.

A cocktail of emotions (fear, guilt, insecurity and shame) seem to stop me every time I want to start a conversation about my crossdressing. I know it's stupid because you are such a thoughtful and loving person and maybe it is my love for you that makes it so difficult.

Since you found out 5+ years ago I've come to terms with my crossdressing. I know it's part of my personality, part of who I am and I know it's never going to go away. I've read numerous article and books, joined forums and spoken online to other crossdressers, trying to understand myself better. But I still find it so difficult to talk to you, the most important person in my life, about my crossdressing. I want to be able to talk to you openly but every time I get the opportunity I clam up and stumble at the last hurdle as these emotions surface.

It wasn't until someone asked me if I was ashamed about my crossdressing that it really hit home. My immediate answer was no, I'm not ashamed because I now realise that it is part of the person I am but them I started thinking more deeply about it and I realised that the reason I can't talk to you is because of shame.

I'm scared that you might think I'm flawed and undeserving of your love. I worry that I don't measure up to other men who are not crossdressers. I guess I'm full of insecurities and that my crossdressing will mean you will eventually want to leave me.

You have to realise that these emotions have been with me since I was a little boy and it has been hidden away all these years. Talking with others anonymously has helped me to to understand that there is nothing to be ashamed of but the last hurdle is knowing that I have your love and support. That my crossdressing doesn't affect how you look at me, it doesn't diminish me in your eyes.

I just want us to be happy and your understanding and acceptance is really important to me in achieving that happiness. I know that maybe a big ask, being married to a crossdresser probably wasn't on your list of priorities but I think it makes me the person I am. I know life is never going to be perfect and we all need  to compromise but I'm sure that we can work out how I can express this side of my personality without risking our life together.

I don't want this to be a transference of my emotions to you. The last thing I want is for you to feel uncomfortable which is why I think we need to make the time to discuss this soon.'

Katie x

When I was struggling needing to talk but claiming up I bit the bullet and talked which was better than a letter. This was before Esme was cool with me dressing and when talked guilt and shame Esme said either crossdress or don't crossdress if you're ashamed if being a crossdresser. I said I'm not and she said so carry on doing it then.

I don't think you should send the letter Katie it would scare me reading the first part thinking you were leading up to something more dramatic.

Tone it down and tell her you are struggling with guilt that she's upset about your dressing but not talking about it is affecting you physically and emotionally and you'd love to have a sit down and talk about what crossdressing means to you and what you want to do with crossdressing. Maybe write a list and see what she would and wouldn't tolerate or support ... having a sex change big X a night in dressed together maybe?...

You're a crossdresser you can neither help it or stop it without it affecting you mentally... one day back in work writing a to do list and I'm ready to put on a dress and makeup stress and frustration levels high already and I'm lucky as I had the talk with Esme it wasn't easy and a leap into the unknown the worst she will say is I want nothing to do with it keep it to yourself.

I can completely understand how you must be feeling, it's like being trapped in limbo isn't it!

You to talk about it desperately but you know that your wife is trying not to have to talk about it, almost to the point that makes you feel that she feels that if I don't talk about it it will go away! But it doesn't go away for us does it! It's always there with us, and all you really want is the woman you love the most to just try and understand that the man she married is still there but just needs this outlet from time to time.

Cat xxx

Hi All

I've tried to write a letter and just wanted your thoughts:

'This is probably one of the hardest letters I've had to write but it should be the easiest because you are such a thoughtful and loving person. 

You are the love of my life and maybe that is why writing this letter is so difficult. 

Over the last 5 years I've come to terms with my crossdressing. I know it's part of my personality, part of who I am and I know it's never going to go away. I've read numerous article and books, joined forums and spoken online to other crossdressers, trying to understand myself better. But I find it so difficult to talk to you, the most important person in my life, about the subject. I so want to talk to you openly about it but every time I get the opportunity I clam up and stumble at the last hurdle.

It wasn't until someone asked me if I was ashamed about my crossdressing that it really hit home. My immediate answer was no, I'm not ashamed because I now realise that it is part of the person I am but them I started thinking more deeply about it and I realised that the reason I can't talk to you is because of shame.

I worried that you might think I'm flawed and undeserving of your love. I worry that I don't measure up to other men who are not crossdressers. I guess I'm full of insecurities that my crossdressing will mean you will eventually want to leave me.

You have to realise that this shame has been with me since I was a little boy and it has been hidden away all these years. Talking with others anonymously has helped me to to understand that there is nothing to be ashamed of but the last hurdle is knowing that I have your love and support. That my crossdressing doesn't affect how you look at me, it doesn't diminish me in your eyes.

I need to get things into perspective as I feel that keeping this shame locked away is more damaging than the actual shame itself. It's a vicious circle and is starting to make me lose focus and I think far to deeply about it so getting it out in the open will help me to move on and concentrate on other important things in my life. I sometimes worry that it affects both my physical and mental health. I just want us to be happy and your understanding and acceptance is really important to me in achieving that happiness.

I know life is never going to be perfect and we all need  to compromise but I'm sure that we can work out how I can express this side of my personality without risking our life together.'

Kate x

This is a subject i want to tackle this year with my own wife, notice i say 'want to tackle.

I'm very similar to yourself Katie, I would like the approval of my wife first and to talk to her about venturing out into society as Cat, but how to bring up the subject without sounding like I'm pushing the issue, I told her in my letter that i hoped she would be proud of me as a crossdresser and not ashamed of me.

I didn't feel ashamed about telling her i am a CD, I have already mentioned to her in my letter that i hoped she would be able to come out with me when the time came, but if she didn't then i hoped she could give me the freedom to go out on my own with her blessing.

But I want to try and go out this year that is a very strong feeling i want to ba able to achieve.

Cat xx