I've chatted to hundreds of T girls over the years via TVChix, my blog, this forum and Skype and also get lots of emails from t girls asking for advice on 'confessing' to a GF or Wife that they cross dress.
Chats ranging from debating why we cross dress, to where we fit into LGBTQ and where in the T we sit on that sliding scale or spectrum, to discussion about our other halves, sex lives, where we shop, how we cope with stress and not being able to dress to sex and sexuality and .. Man thingals.. Work, football, rugby, NFL, keeping fit, dieting, movies, books, TV series etc.
I've chatted to less wives but still I think a lot of wives some totally against their men dressing and some all for it with different levels of acceptance..
A wife may have two main worries (I'll add a 3rd)
Does he want to dress like this all the time? Does he want to live as a woman?
We've all maybe asked yourself this on our own journey of accepting we're cross dressers and my answer is I chose to be a husband and a father I've never chosen to be a woman .. My life choice is set .. But sure I'd like to dress and present as Davina a lot more .. Some mornings I wake and think I'd love to shower shave put on makeup lingerie and a dress and be Davina today.. But I dont have that option but think I'd take it if I could.. Not saying I'd face the world as Davina but if the option was there I'd be dressed a lot more as I enjoy it..
Esme says I'm nicer as Davina.. Chatting to Sammy I've chatted to her and Sarah-Jane as male me and as Davina on Skype and Sammy also prefers Davina to male me persona.
Is he Gay or Bisexual..??
New I've added commentary on this a few times as its another thing we contemplate.. I can look at another t girl on tvchix or flikr and think wow they look amazing (sexy even) and we may add a comment "wow you look amazing".. Some add xx I usually add a smiley :)
Talking to Sam on this she found it a little amusing but also admitted its in character with how women would comment on Facebook etc are another woman dressed up for a night out out.. "You look amazing xx" ... Yet we're men telling another man "wow you look amazing xx"..
In man mode we may comment "Looking sharp bro ✊" fist bump lol but wed not comment you look amazing xx to a male friend.. But we do in character and I think that's fine..
We don't have a split personality but we do split ourselves off a but from male us when dressed and escape to our female persona..
Sammy mentioned a book she's read .. 'Is my husband Gay, Bisexual or Straight'.. It sounds a pretty good read and on or chat Sammy concluded from questioning me I'm certainly not Gay (bug sigh of relief from Esme) and also I'm not bisexual.. But we concluded that in our female persona its not bisexual to see another t girl as attractive or even a turn on.. Sure its a man in drag but its the female we see.. Both myself and Sarah-Jane if you meet us in TVchix chat may be at home with a rock n roll T-shirt and shorts on but we're chatting as our fem personas.. That may sound weird but its still escapism chatting to other like minded tgirls as tgirla (in our minds despite being dressed as men)..
So the two fears he wants to be a woman and being scared of his sexuality then the 3rd..
People may find out he's a cross dresser.
His will our friends, family and work and neighbours and the kids etc take this? How will it affect our lives..?????
What makes all this easier?
Acceptance..
I know its not as simple as that but as I've said I've chatted to a lot of wives and those who have accepted cross dressing and moved on with life with it part of their life are happier than those who reject cross dressing.. Its pretty harmless..
A man without acceptance having to hide crossdreasing, stolen minutes or hours dressed will not tell you but he'll be pretty depressed and unhappy and won't feel he can open up about his dressing reasons why etc and it has ended some marriages or made them a bit stale with an elephant in the room.. Cross dressing
Sexuality- There's a mix in cross dressers no more no less than in society in my reckoning chatting in tvchix or a muggle chat room of gay, big, lesbian, straight.. But most t girls I chat to who admit to being bisexual and married and hiding that secret tell me they have no sex life with their wife, or they're not into other men but as a tgirl they do things with other t girls or fantasise about it at least.. Tgirl porn I hear is pretty popular.. Sam's book points that these men may not be bisexual in the classic term ie not attracted to men as men or not attracted to men as tgirls but can be attracted to other t girls.. Just what we need another sexuality label?
Again I have found most men to tread this path don't have wives accepting of their cross dressing and again those who do accept crossdreasing it seems are less likely to have a husband questioning his sexuality as a man or as a tgirl.. And of course some tgirls aren't turned on by dressing and sex and sexuality for some has nothing at all to do with why they dress.
Others finding out.. I think you need to consider this and we all need an answer or what we'd tell anyone who found out about us as cross dressers a rational nip it in the bud.. I've done this for years, its good for my mental health, I enjoy it, its harmless..
My conclusion is if a wife can accept crossdreasing life is much more simple, easier to talk about, happier, more trusting.. I think rejection can push a tgirl away in rejection and those things a wife may fear have more chance of happening.. But thats just a conclusion I'm coming to from years of chatting to others..
Let me know what you think
P.s I've not tyoed that to twist a GFs or wife's arm behind her back to accept cross dressing its not as easy as that it takes a lot of uosrt, soul searching and conversations to get there.. But it can be done..
Davina
Some great observations Davina, as always. One in particular caught my attention.
When I first joined Chix and this forum, it did feel weird seeing men sign off with a 'x', but I quite quickly adjusted and realised that my female friends do sign off that way (and tbh I sign off that way with them as well - all platonic). So, I'm comfortable with it online. Now, I often wondered how would I greet a Tgirl if I met another one socially. So, last night I went to Retrobar in London and had the opportunity. In my male life I am happy giving a kiss on a cheek to a woman when first meeting them (if it is obvious they are going to do that first), but I couldn't quite bring myself to do that last night. However, I normally have a firm handshake - not crushing, they aren't good - and have taught my daughters to have a firm handshake - but I did notice, without pre-planning it that my handshake was softer (I would have to say 'female-firm', rather than my usual one.
I suspect, however, that next time, or time after that (I'll post separately about my week over next couple of days) I will be more comfortable with a hug and cheek-kiss. Lots of us have said that our mannerisms change when dressed - having thought about it, I think this is just an extension of that.
Turning to the crux of your post. I am convinced you are correct about acceptance. I have believe I have finally accepted what I am/need to do. This allowed me to go out a couple of times this week. I'm 6'6", although for my height not built like a brick shit house and so wear a size 14. So ultimately, for those people who aren't entirely wrapped up in their own little world and actually looked at me, I am sure the vast majority would say - there goes a crossdresser. I hope, for my own vanity, some would say, there is a trans-woman -- I would take the latter as a compliment, because that would mean I have tried and achieved my very best. Part of me would like to think that if they only saw me from behind that some might think - tall girl but pretty good figure, I'm going to stick with that belief 😀, regardless.
So, I have acceptance - I am a crossdress/Tgirl - I am that, I dress and present as (best as I can) as female on occasion - I'm not hurting anybody, if you have a problem, deal with it.
My wife, I believe is a long way off acceptance. I think acceptance does not necessarily mean, being involved in it or seeing me as Emma. For me acceptance from my wife would be getting comfortable with me going out as Emma and if I ultimately got exposed she'd just say, "yes he does, I don't fully understand it, but its just clothing and he's not hurting anybody, deal with it".
Will she ever get there? If she looked at this forum may be she would. We shall see. Given how much I enjoyed Retrobar and actually meeting other members of this community in person, I definitely want to repeat the experience --- she doesn't know what i've been up to this week, but I sense a difficult conversation coming up in the next month or so. I just hope she doesn't say 'no you can't go out'. That would not be good!
Omg read it back so many typos I'll go back in and correct them Chinese phone..