Hi Katie

Would you mind if i put your post as an entirely new thread

It's very relative to this one but may help others to read it in a Thread called something like I sought professional counselling, if that's ok.

I know being able to talk to someone and open up about my crossdressing would have helped me and chatting to people on line and in skype has certainly helped me long before I could talk to my wife without any fears of her being upset... That talking to another wife or gf or councilor opening up about dressing and for them you're not my husband or BF so i can be sympathetic more so in terms of a councilor.

If it's ok with you i'll raise your post as a new thread or better still raise the new thread yourself on counselling as i know you're not alone in this forum getting some help for a councilor and others may chip in there with their experience and how its helped them.

Davina

Hi Emma

Sorry for the delay in coming back but as I'm sure you understand things are a bit difficult right now.

The counselling has been a bit of a revelation all told. I was suffering from a bit of stress, depression, anxiety and low mood and wanted to try and do something about it. I went to the doctor who referred me to the NHS wellbeing people. I did attend a group session on managing stress but never felt that it got to the root of the problem - also not easy to discuss crossdressing in front of a group of strangers.

Not that my crossdressing was a problem, it was juts that with other stuff stacked on top that pushed me over the edge.

Anyway I told my counsellor on my second visit that I crossdressed. As a professional she took it all in in her stride and we were able to discuss it in a number of the following sessions.

It has helped me to start to come to terms with my crossdressing. I think that in line with most of the 'Davina' type crossdressers we start dressing at a young age. Speculating on why we start is probably pointless and so we must accept that it is something we need / want to do. As we've discussed previously it does have many positive effects on us but it can also create negative feelings.

I think one thing I learnt is the we are plagued by the feeling of shame. We're learn from a young age that it is not OK for boys to want to dress as girls. Cowboys, Knights, even Batman but not a Princess! So we hide it and that bring an intense feeling of shame. I know sometimes we say we are guilty but that is not the right word. You feel guilty when you have done something wrong (we know crossdressing is not wrong) but shame when you are something wrong. We are made to feel 'wrong' and so the shame grows.

Admitting to anyone that we crossdress makes us extremely vulnerable. We cannot control how the other person may react. To actually face up to it and explain to the one you love that you are a crossdresser takes an immense amount of courage. You lose total control and how the other person reacts can have a hugh impact on your relationship going forward. I know quite often the wives reaction is one of being deceived. Lied to, led on etc. It can affect her whole opinion of you. If you are rejected on top of the whole shame thing the consequences can be dire. Imagine pouring your heart out to someone, trusting them implicitly with your deepest secret only to have it thrown back in your face. Told you are a pervert or worse.

We've held this secret for so many year, this shame that society thrusts upon us because we want to dress up. To feel close to the gender we most admirer, to want to share that feeling and experience. To be a close as possible.

But being a crossdresser is part of my personality. It makes me who I am. It is an extra dimension. It allows me to be the person I am. Without the 'release' valve I could be the other me. The dependable rock. That's why it hurts when we are not understood. If a wife says she loves you she cannot unless she accepts all of you. Can you love a bit of someone? It is devastating to have a part of you rejected as not good enough, weird, perverted. Something to be hidden and ashamed of.

But my counsellor wants me to accept this as part of who I am. It does not define me, I'm not the crossdresser down the road. I'm me. Someone who likes to express different parts of their personality in different way. If I wanted to dress up as knight and reenact battles at weekends nobody bats an eyelid. People even pay to come and watch. But say at the weekends I like to slip on a dress and heels and suddenly I some sort of weirdo!

I think the point I'm trying to make is that my counselling has helped me to learn to deal with the shame. I do not need to feel shame for being who I am. I should be proud that it enables me to be the person I am. I feel a lot better about myself now. I don't think any of us really gets the chance to explore who we really are in an environment where the person you are talking to is non-judgemental. It really helps to have the support of a professional who can help you o discover things about yourself that you never realised. We all lead busy lives without really taking the chance to sit back and think. Having the counselling allowed me to take this time and I think everyone could benefit even if it is just to get stuff off your chest.

Sorry to waffle on. I haven't really done it justice. Just touching the surface but hopefully gives you an idea.

Katie x

That's good Katie

How's it going?

Maybe it would help others to read about your experience with counseling.

Would you recommend it?

I guess for some who have no one to talk to about their dressing or who's wives won't communicate about it councelling would be very useful a way to open up and discuss cross dressing.

Emma (wife)

Hi Emma

I'm good thanks. Been having some counselling which has really helped. It's not until you open up to someone that you suddenly realise the truth bit yourself. Too often life just rushes by without actually taking the time to think about yourself.

Katie x

A pity youve stopped Mari doesnt the urge get hard to control? your wife wont let it go on behind her back with her knowing but ignoring?

its a good few videos we are all vulnerable and feel shame but you t girls give yourselves a hard time over this let alone wives.

Nice to see you back Katie how are you?

Emma (Wife)

Awww its a pity she loathes you dressing but good she knows.

You no linger dress? because she loathes it?

My wife loathes it and I no longer “do it” but I am more “me” and accepting of my femininity than ever before.

Hi Cat

I'm still trying to get my head around all of this vulnerability chat. I've downloaded Brene's audio book which I'm now listening to for a second time!

It seems to be a constant battle but being aware that it is a battle is important.

Finding out why your wife doesn't like you going out could be painful to hear. Equally her fears maybe to do with inbuilt shame. Something we a'' suffer from but need to overcome. https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame?language=en

Yes this is something I've been struggling with recently.

I've been going out since just before Christmas and my wife is reluctantly letting me go out, i tried last Sunday to ask her how she felt about me going out and I got no reply!

I don't know what she's thinking as she won't talk to me but I can tell she doesn't like me going out.

But I'm not going to stop because it makes her uncomfortable i won't stop because it will be at my expense.

And I will start to resent her if I stop.

I don't know what she's thinking or how she feels until she tells me but I'm going to carry on going out as I'm happier than I've ever been in my life and that's important to me and if my wife can't see that then I'm not sure were we need to go from there.

Everyone I meet in the community tells me I need to do what's right for me and my ultimate happiness.

Cat xx

We've talked about my crossdressing but I've always had my guard up. I've never really explained everything for fear of being hurt. Rejection is always difficult and I'm always scared of saying too much that might lead to further rejection. But really I need to be totally honest. Not hide how I feel. It's not really fair on her keeping all this from her. It doesn't do me and good and by association her. I need to be brave, open up my heart and face the consequences. At least I know where I stand as opposed to wondering. It may even be all good and bring us even closer together. Being able to trust someone with all this demonstrates the strength of your love. Sorry to waffle but I'm just sticking ideas out there for my benefit as much as anyone else.

Katie x

Spot on I hid it from my wife That fateful day she asked to dress me up (which turned out to be to see if her mad Alpha hubby would let her do it) allowed me to say "I've done this before... I cross dress" OK she burst into tears and disgust of what had she married was I gay, did I want to transition to become a woman and was it her fault.. No no no. It got it out and for a few years damn hard a subject to bring up and talk about .. But then perservetence part wanting it to be open and the greater part wanting her to be OK and not scared or disgusted with me cross dressing eventually some acceptance, then a little more and now she's fine with me cross dressing. Neither of us get 100% why I do it but there are benefits. With her knowing anxiety about being a cross dresser was worse than her not knowing about it. Its not good "harmful" even to hide away emotions and bottle up stress. Its a huge risk to tell a GF or wife and needs to be done carefully and communication then is absilutley key. I'm glad some of the ramblings here have helped some wives who remain and some who no longer tune in here. It is our deepest secret and its upto a wife to accept or not as women are conditioned not to accept and society sees cross dressing as a perversion but I think acceptance to a degree either allowing croasdressing to hapoen when home alone, in another room etc or full on involvement or somewhere in between and that huge trust and understanding is better than a) leaving b) burying ones head in the sand c) holding a resentment and demanding it stops. I feel for you Katie as know you've tried to talk and communicate with your wife and i know many others here are scared to even tell their wives. Currently there is no right or wrong thing to do and my advice has always been to tell and talk and explain and use this forum and let wives read other women's thoughts and perspectives. Some will be leave him he's a pervert (but they should know you and know you're not) others will say let him dress with you just the once see what you think or maybe see a photo and talk more and take it from there. Bottling up this vulnerability and stress is unhealthy. Davina