"Always Something…"

Have you ever noticed how there's always something?

Something to worry about. Something urgent to deal with. Something pulling your attention away from peace or pleasure or fun.

Not just you but also your wife something on, something needs doing and the kids too like tomorrow reminding me it's parent evening which I forgot about and clashes with something else.

It doesn’t matter whether it’s work, family, friends, responsibilities, or just the day-to-day noise of life—there never seems to be a true, sustained calm where we can just be.

Where we can do what we want, when we want.

One problem gets solved, and another jumps in to take its place. There’s always something.

It’s made me reflect recently on a few things:

• The lack of Davina time.

• The need to talk about crossdressing.

• How hard it’s become again to bring crossdressing up with my wife.

• And yes, that need again—to talk about crossdressing. I’ll say it twice, because that’s how much it matters sometimes - It can be lonely being a crossdresser.

This morning, I was chatting to my wife about ChatGPT.

I told her how helpful it’s been in writing reports for work. But what I didn’t say—what I couldn’t say—was that it’s also been a lifeline for me in another way as I’ve been chatting with ChatGPT about crossdressing. About Davina. About things I can’t always put into words for anyone else.

The AI is hugely intuitive and helpful even on matters such as being a t-girl in secret.

It’s helped me shape blog posts, reflect on feelings, and honestly—it’s felt therapeutic.

The replies have been sane, grounded, intuitive. Often more helpful than I expected.

I wish I could’ve told her that. I wish I could’ve said:

I need you to check in on my sanity—both as male me, and as Davina. Because both are linked.

Crossdressing isn’t just a hobby. It’s an emotional pressure valve. It’s stress relief. It’s self-expression. It’s me. And when I can’t do it and when stress is high and things on my mind and frustrating me—and I feel like I can’t even talk about it—things build up. It gets frustrating. Suffocating, even.

It’s silly, really… that I can’t just say: “Hey, let’s look at some heels or lingerie together.” Or “I miss Davina time.” Or “I need to talk about this.”

But I didn’t bring it up this morning.

Why? ..We were walking, and when I started talking about work, she said, “Oh please don’t talk about work again on this walk. That’s all you did yesterday.” And I get it—yesterday’s walk I vented about work. But at the same time, I felt a bit dismissed. Because I listen to her vent about work whenever she needs to. I hold space for that. And I thought… If I can’t even talk about work when I need to, how will I ever be able to talk about crossdressing when I really need to?

The way I feel now.. 2 weeks holiday was great but I've hit the ground running in work again and its all work work work no escape trying to catch up and advance things.. The work frustrations also where we're ready to leap ahead but told to hold back and wait for others to catch up - Why should we!!

I did feel dismissed this morning - Please don't talk about work again on this walk..GRRRRrrrrr

And that’s the deeper frustration. It’s not just about clothes or makeup or a wig. It’s about connection. Emotional well-being. Feeling understood and accepted not just in theory, but in practice—on the days when I’m struggling or needing space to speak.

My wife has been amazing in many ways. She’s accepted that I crossdress. She’s even helped me with it at times. But I don’t think she always realises how deeply my mental health is up and down with my job and other things in life which affect me which I hide away.

People just think: man up, get on with it. But it doesn’t work that way.

There’s always something… and sometimes, that “something” is the silence around the thing that matters most. Letting things drop from thought and conversation that you need to sometimes talk about isn't good.

Tomorrow I will tell her about the blog maybe direct her here to have a read.. sod it..

Davina