Blending in and standing out

We were out in a pub yesterday, just a normal day out with my wife, when someone walked in who immediately caught our attention.

It wasn’t loud or disruptive, far from it, but visually, they stood out.

A mix of goth and drag styling: tattoos, a short skirt, fishnet tights, boots, and a pink top.

It took us a moment to figure it out, but we both agreed it was a guy presenting in a very bold, expressive way.

My wife’s first reaction was interesting: “If you’re coming out like that, at least try to blend in.”

But the more I watched, the more I thought, maybe blending in wasn’t the point at all. In fact, it clearly wasn’t.

This person seemed completely comfortable standing out. Confident. Unbothered.

They walked straight into the women’s toilets without hesitation, came back out, ordered a drink, and carried on with their night.

No drama. No complaints. No scene.

I wondered how women in the toilet felt or is the toilet thing and women's personal space all blown up where a minority is what scares women as he/she accompanied by a fem friend had no hesitation in and out within 2-3 mins.

Used the toilet as a toilet washed hands (I hope) and left.. Zero harm done, no one seemed offended.

And that’s what really stuck with me.

Because sat there, opposite my wife, I found myself wondering something more personal: what if that was me—but as Davina?

Unlike the person we saw, I’d not want to stand out.

I’d want the opposite.

I’d want to blend in. To pass. To be read as a woman without question. And with that comes a completely different mindset, one that’s far more cautious, maybe even anxious.

The idea of walking into a women’s toilet wouldn’t feel bold or effortless. It would feel like a moment that required everything to be just right, appearance, voice, mannerisms, flawless enough not to draw attention and that would include the right type of live and let live people in the toilets not someone who would bring up the trans tropes as I'd just be there to use the toilet and wash my hands and leave but the subconscious thought for me would be not wanting to offend anyone.

Watching that confidence play out in real life made me realise how different those two approaches are:

One person owning their visibility, unapologetically

Another (me, potentially) seeking quiet acceptance, almost invisibility

Neither is right or wrong, they’re just different ways of navigating the same space.

What surprised me most, though, was how normal it all became within minutes.

No one kicked off. No one even really reacted. The pub just carried on. And I imagine they had a great night.

Meanwhile, I was left in my own head.

The rest of the day, I found myself looking at women differently, not in a pervy sense, but with a kind of appreciation.

The effort. The choices. The style. Hair, makeup, nails, heels.

The ritual of getting ready, putting an outfit together, reapplying lipstick during the night.

There’s something expressive and almost creative about it all.

And if I’m honest, it made me a bit jealous.

There I was in jeans, a shirt, boots, stubble, and short hair.

Functional.

But, let’s face it… a bit boring.

There’s not much room for transformation or expression in the same way.

Women seem to have so much more freedom in that space, to reinvent, to experiment, to present themselves differently depending on mood or occasion.

It must feel incredible to step out fully put together, confident in how you look.

Or does it just feel normal to a woman?

Maybe why most don't get what we get from presenting as women.

And maybe that’s the real takeaway from the day. Not just about blending in or standing out, but about confidence, expression, and the freedom to be seen how you want to be seen.

Because whether you’re bold enough to stand out, or careful enough to blend in… the goal, really, is the same:

To feel comfortable in your own skin.

Davina