Chapter 14 — Going Slowly, Talking and Learning Together

Davina: And I wanted to reassure my wife that she didn't need to be freaked out by it.

I wanted her to understand that I wasn't suddenly becoming someone else, I wasn't going anywhere and our relationship hadn't changed.

I just wanted her to know what was going on inside my head.

And honestly, sometimes simply being able to say, “I'm thinking about Davina today” and have your wife listen without shutting the conversation down can be enough.

Because when something is important to you but you feel you can't talk about it, you don't stop thinking about it, you just start thinking about it alone.

And that's where frustration builds.

Anna - I think, if he'd have shown me straight away, I don't know if I'd have got the ikk, but I think there was definitely a bit more of a chance that, that would have been the case. I almost likely needed to prepare myself for it. Um, and I think I did that by just sort of thinking he's still him.

Davina - I can’t imagine when i was datingmy wife any scenario where I’d say sometimes I like to crossdress.. It was something i did sometimes but not a big deal, something I’d done all my life but not to the extent of now “Presenting as a woman” thats different .. If I had to start a new relationship now with this built en-fem persona I’d probably tell someone in advance of getting more serious.

Anna - He doesn't want to be a woman, he doesn't change who I am as a woman. Doesn't change what I know about myself and my sexuality. And I don't have to like it, and I think that was because I'd said that to myself, I prepared myself for it. It was fine.

I think if I got into it thinking, I must like it. I must think it's okay. I must accept this. It's putting a lot of pressure on yourself, isn't it? You know, I think it's kind of understanding how you’re gonna feel what you're gonna feel you can't kind of change that, but I think it's being okay with those feelings, and then trying to be curious about those and where they've come from.

Davina - I think my wife was probably the same. Although recently she said something that really made me think:

“I've gone about this wrong, maybe. Maybe I should have thought of you as Davina, a female friend, rather than my husband in a dress.”

That actually tells me quite a lot about how she's been processing it. For years, she's probably been looking at Davina as “my husband dressed as a woman.”

And of course, that's completely understandable. That's who I am to her — her husband.

But perhaps seeing Davina as a feminine friend who is another side of the same person makes it easier for her to understand.

Maybe she's not seeing me as less of a man when I'm Davina. Perhaps she's seeing the part of me that has escaped all the male expectations and pressure for a while.

And if she thinks I'm actually nicer as Davina, maybe that's because I'm more relaxed, more playful and less guarded when I'm presenting that way.

I don't think she has to choose between “my husband” and “Davina”. I'm both.

But perhaps thinking of Davina as her feminine friend gives her a way of accepting that side of me without feeling that it changes who I am as her husband.

Emily - What hearing you say is like it's you have to expand your nervous system slowly because your nervous system you know, as humans we can have up to seven categories at any time. Like we can have sense of seven things in our peripheral vision, right? And we have to categorise things to put them into like safe, not safe. And especially I feel like for women like there's a lot of safety factors in this because if you think about an ick it really is like that's not safe. Like it's almost like you know, when we think about things that we find disgusting and it's an evolutionary tactic to make us stay away from those things, you know like snakes or you know what I mean incest or things that are like a gross ick. We stay away because they could hurt us. And what I'm hearing is like recognising that because a man and women's clothing who's not trans. Because it is different right than trans, because if hes trans there's just like I'm now going to place you out of man box into female box. And I feel right, you know, that's your Justice that I believe in that but it's a different thing when a man wants to “hang out” in the female box for just a moment, you know? And then go back then it feels like our ability to categorise and understand what's safe or not is quite disoriented. So what I'm hearing you say is like if you get the ick like hold yourself and and tell yourself like you are safe, like you are. Okay. This is the first part of your nervous system beginning to open up and warm up to the possibility. And you don't have to go anywhere. It doesn't have to ultimately go anywhere. Like, you have to like it. But it is important for you to like calm yourself in those moments of reaction so that you can get to the other side of it and then you all can assess when you're not activated, what works? What doesn't work? How do we want to move forward? What does sound right? Yeah, absolutely. 

Davina - That's the thing. In some ways, it might actually be easier for someone to understand a person who identifies as trans, because there's a clear identity there. But where does that leave someone like me?

I'm a crossdresser. I experience being En-Fem part of the time, and then I go back to being me — a man, husband and father.

So what's that all about?

Perhaps it's simpler than we sometimes make it.It's something I discovered, tried, enjoyed and gradually explored. It grew with me. Over time, I discovered that it also gives me a sense of relief and release from the pressures of everyday male life.

It doesn't change who I am. It relaxes me.

When I'm Davina, I can step away from the responsibilities, expectations and stresses of being male for a while. I can be feminine, have fun, dress up and simply enjoy the experience.

For me, that's fundamentally harmless. It doesn't change my sexuality, my love for my wife, my role as a Dad or who I am as a man.

And yes, I can feel sexy when I'm dressed. I enjoy looking good and feeling feminine.

But feeling sexy isn't the same thing as the activity being sexual. For me, crossdressing doesn't change my sexuality.

Where things can become more complicated is when someone's needs or identity develop further along the trans spectrum, or when sexual motivations are a significant part of their experience. Those are different conversations.

For me, it's simply another side of who I am. I crossdress, I enjoy it, it gives me an escape, and then I go back to being me.

If I could do it more often, I'd probably take that opportunity too because I know how much of a release it can be.

I'm not trying to become someone else. I'm just giving myself permission to be another side of me for a while.

Anna - If you feel that way that's your relationship over or you don't have to be, you know, you don't go down that “Don't ask don't tell” policy it's that initial reaction doesn't mean that's how you're gonna feel about it forever. 

Davina - My wife's comment — “What you do when you're away with work and you're Davina, I don't want to know” really upset me at the time.

My immediate reaction was, “What did you think I was doing as Davina? Having an affair?”

But that wasn't what was happening at all.

Onto the next chapter..