Chapter 15 — Beyond 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell'

Davina: When I was away with work and had the opportunity to dress, I was often online chatting with other crossdressers, brainstorming about why we dress, sharing experiences and supporting people who were struggling with the same questions I'd spent years trying to answer.

Sometimes I'd also end up talking with wives and partners who were trying to understand their husband's crossdressing.

Sometimes those conversations went late into the night.

For me, Davina wasn't about finding someone else. It was almost the opposite, it was about finding people who understood this side of me.

I was talking, listening, helping and learning.

I'm still her husband. I'm still straight. I'm still loyal.

I just happened to be doing all of that while wearing a dress. 😂

Anna - I think because I'd done a lot of building up to it and because we've kind of taken our time to kind of get to that point as well my reaction surprised me. I just think, okay, we need to think about some styling advice here. I think he was so excited to be able to kind of show that side themselves, but it just like kind of wanted to put everything on and it was like, oh, no, that doesn't kind of go with that. And, you know, but I didn't sort of, I wasn't disgusted and I didn't kind of go, oh, you know, it wasn't that kind of reaction and yeah, that was nice. But I was also prepared for that being the reaction because you had spent so much time building safety in your system beforehand, so you could open to it.

Davina - I think I went through a few phases. Initially it was mainly sexy lingerie, stockings and heels, and that was pretty much the case from when I was young through into my 20s — lingerie, occasionally dressing up, but nothing like the full Davina look.

Then my wife dressed me up and that shifted things.

I'd never really seen myself with makeup, a wig and a dress as a complete look before, and suddenly I wanted to see more. What would I actually look like as a woman?

She certainly couldn't say I wasn't fashionable or well put together, or that I needed help choosing clothes! 😂 I was usually wearing her things or things she'd discarded.

What she did teach me was that if I was going to present as a woman, I should make an effort to look classy and feminine rather than tarty or over-the-top.

And I took that advice.In a funny way, she helped me discover the difference between simply putting on women's clothes and actually creating a feminine presentation.

The lingerie, stockings and heels were already there — my wife helped me discover Davina.

Emily - I'm now beginning to realise that people who have a don't ask, don't tell situation. It's like their Partners got Frozen in the ick, right? It's like they felt the ick and they were like we will never speak of this again because it gives me an ick and I don't know how to be with an ick, but really an ick is a is one emotion that that like it's sort of like climbing a ladder. If you're afraid if you've never been at height like walking on a mountain before, it's just like oh that like the perception of Danger is often so much more intense than the actual threat. And so people, who, in dont ask, don't tell. It's like they they froze themselves in the perception of danger with the illusion that that's going to make them safe.When in reality that frozenness is that danger its eroding intimacy in their marriage because I can't tell you how many times I've talked to people who's like, we've had a dont ask dont tell for 20 years and oh yeah, we stopped having sex ten years ago and no I don't tell her anything. We're just roommates now. It's like that's because y'all got frozen. 

Anna - I've made that decision before um, before we kind of entered that me seeing him for the first time because I'd obviously gone online and I've gone on Reddit and I'd gone on all these websites and I'd seen so many of the partners have this Don't ask, don't tell policy and I just thought that's awful. Like, how could you and I understand why people do but I just how? what does that do for you? Business without intimacy, you know, even in conversation and just being near each other like I just, I just don't think I could know that there was this part of my partner and not kind of be okay with it and just kind of ignore it. I'd already decided in my mind that that wasn't going to be the case for us and we would make this work one way or another, and if it was that we just weren't compatible anymore to try and work our way through. Then that would be how it would have to be because If I couldn't accept the whole of Harry then for me, you know, after trying and I don't just mean like seeing him the one time and be like, oh, that's it. But, I mean, if we'd have tried, and we'd have talked, and we'd have gone through this process and it still wasn't right, then, that would have been the time where I think we'd have both said, you know, this isn't working because we clearly want different things, you know, and I think that would have been absolutely fine.

Davina - I've no idea how close we actually came to splitting up over me being a crossdresser. It may never even have seriously entered my wife's thoughts, that's something I'll have to ask her.

What I do know is that we had to find an agreement that worked for both of us, and that agreement changed gradually over an eight-year period and continued evolving even after she met me as Davina.We went from “I don't want to know about it”, to her knowing when I was dressing, to eventually walking into the room and meeting Davina.

Onto the next chapter hope you're enjoying and almost there..