Coming out to your wife advice?

Here goes ill try my best.

I was chatting to a t-girl on TVChix the other day — she told me her wife had found one of her bras. Not in an accusatory way. Her wife just said calmly, “I know you’re a crossdresser.”

A bit of a mic drop and the conversation didn't carry on from there.

How would that make you and your wife feel?

Would, could and should you leave it there?

That moment right there — that quiet revelation — is what I call a cracked door.

You can either close it in fear or walk through it with honesty and grasp the moment.

I told her: strike while the iron’s hot.

It was a Wednesday. I said, “Come home Friday with flowers, two bottles of wine, and ingredients to cook dinner.

But before you start slicing onions, say: You’ve discovered my deepest secret.

Let me cook for you, and when we’re settled, can we talk?

There's nothing to worry about, I’d love us to have an honest conversation over wine for dutch courage to get everything out in the open.”

It’s vulnerable. It’s scary. But it can also be one of the most important conversations you ever have.

So, if you’re thinking of coming out — or you’ve been found out — here’s my advice, from experience and talking to many t-girls and their partners over the years.

1. Know Why You Crossdress

Before you try to explain it, you need to somewhat understand it yourself. I say 75% because this is a journey — we don’t always have all the answers. But if you’re completely at sea, you’ll struggle to help your wife understand.

Ask yourself:

• What does crossdressing give me emotionally?

• Is it purely about appearance or does it connect to identity?

• Is it sexual, soothing, self-expressive — or all of the above?

• How long have I known this part of myself?

  
  

You don’t need perfect clarity, but some self-awareness helps you share this in a way that’s reassuring, not confusing.

2. Expect Questions — Hard Ones

The most common one? “Are you gay?”Closely followed by: “Are you bisexual?” or “Do you want to be a woman?”

Your answers matter here, and not just the words — the tone, the honesty, the care.

If your truth is that you're straight but enjoy expressing femininity, say that with calm confidence.

If you're unsure or exploring, it's not going to go down well you need to really know your wife as the sexuality part is the bit that depends on how your relationship works thereafter.

If you are bisexual, consider how that may impact your marriage dynamic and whether she can hear that right now.

Are your thoughts and fantasies bisexual or are you actually bi? Have you acted on it with someone.. A whole different ball game if we are talking cheating as confessing you are bi and have done something about it your bags may be packed.

This is a wife's biggest fear that you cross dress to attract men and that you want to be with men sexually..

99% of the time I'd say a wife's reaction is get out..

Even if you're questioning your sexuality that % may be lower but it's not what most women want to hear.. Maybe more modern thinking women feel different I cant speak for the younger more sexually open minded generation.

I've had younger tgirls wanting to come out to their girlfriends and wives tell me their gf/wife is bisexual.. Did that mean they'd be accepting of cross dressing or them also being bisexual.. My answer to this is I have no clue as I'm no therapist and can only advise on my experience.

Whatever your truth, don't lie.

But also be mindful.

Don’t dump a truckload of confusion or intensity on her in one go.

This isn’t a confession — it’s a conversation.

3. Be Ready to Reassure Her

Your wife might wonder:

• Is this her fault?

• Is she not enough for you?

• Are you comparing yourself to her?

• Do you want to transition?

• Is your attraction to her real?

  
  

Reassure her.

Many t-girls dress because they’re drawn to femininity — not away from their wives but toward a kind of inner reflection.

Some dress to wear things their wives don’t, yes — but not as punishment.

It’s rarely about replacing her.

But she might feel that way.

So listen. Reassure. Let her speak.

4. Don’t Overwhelm Her

Don't:

• Show her 500 selfies of you as your femme self right away.

• Ask her to paint your nails and do your makeup the first weekend.

• Give her a lecture on gender theory.

• Say, “It’s been 20 years and you never knew!” or you knew but let it slide?

Do:

• Let her take it in.

• Ask if she has questions.

• Share that this is hard for you too.

• Say you’re not asking her to do anything — just to listen and maybe understand.

  
  

Let the conversation breathe.

This isn’t one dinner and done. It might be weeks, months, years. That’s okay.

It took my wife 8 years before she met "Davina"

5. Be Honest, But Not Selfish

Coming out is brave — but don’t confuse bravery with bulldozing.

Yes, you’ve bottled this up.

Yes, it’s a relief to finally say it.

But don’t make this conversation all about you. It’s also about her.

She may feel:

• Shocked

• Hurt

• Angry

• Curious

• Weirdly okay

• Scared for the future

  
  

Let her feel all of it. You’ve had years — maybe decades — to get used to this.

She’s had a minute.

6. Things I’d Do Differently

I came out by accident. If I could rewind, I’d:

• Have explained it earlier, with love, before being caught if I'd known how far along the trans spectrum I'd go.

• Let her ask more questions.

• Not rush to tell her everything in one go.

• Been less afraid.

My circumstances were different her asking to dress me as a woman for fun me thinking she was calling me out and knew then me confessing to being trans and her shock - she had no idea and then years of talking bit by bit.

If you’re reading this, maybe you still have the chance to do it with grace and with a plan and to role play it in your mind.

You don’t need to wait for her to find a bra. You can start the conversation

gently:"There’s something I’ve wanted to share with you — something important and vulnerable. Can we talk?"

2nd guess where the conversation will go and don't panic.

I've role played the conversation with lots of tgirls from the perspective of a wife and shocked them with some questions they'd not considered as the chat went on..

Some have been very honest and given the why they dress and their limits.

Some do have a hidden sexuality, fetish or kink for dressing and that's harder for me to help advise on as I don't know their wives and how this part of things plays out..

7. A Final Thought

Coming out to your wife isn’t about dumping your truth and hoping she copes.

It’s about inviting her in. It’s about saying:“This is me. I love you. I hope we can talk about it together.”

You’re not broken.

She’s not broken.

But you might need time and care to understand each other in this new light.

Flowers and wine help too.

Have you come out to your wife?

Was it an accident or planned?

What did you learn?

I’d love to hear your story or your questions.

Let’s keep talking.

We help each other this way.

Davina