Coulda woulda shouda.. didn't dress..

Friday was supposed to be a Davina day.

I’d planned it, as an opportunity with the house to myself for 8 hours.

Looked forward to it and needed it after 3 weeks of no opportunity to Crossdress and escape with high stress levels and frustration..

A good way to enter the weekend chilled after a few boring and stressy weeks in work and outside work with worries over my parents health

And yet there I was, sat at my desk, deep in work, the blank diary day started filling with urgent TEAMS calls and they needed to be face to face on cam and the phone didn't stop.

Not just busy but engaged in the issues.

Productive. Focused. Even excited about what I’m doing as I'm supporting, plotting future betterment in productivity and safety and also uncovering useful trends plus networking with like minded people who aren't afraid to speak out for a change like myself.

And that’s where the conflict began.

On the surface, this looks like a good thing.

Work is going well but I'm behind where I need to be on a few things with the next few weeks hectic having to take my parents for a lot of hospital appointments which is really going to make work difficult and a 3 week period of no hope of seeing Davina ..

This is followed by a few months with the kids finishing school / uni in a few weeks one sitting exams the other 2nd year of Uni wrapping up. 

It could be months of no Davina opportunity and work pressure and stress is high past high ..

I’m in the work mind zone I must get a project finished, emails answered, TEAMS calls and phone calls.. I gave up on my planed Davina day working from home pretty early Friday sadly.

 I'm saying to myself:

“You were meant to be Davina today…”

“There is little opportunity ahead for Davina time the coming months”

And as the day moved on, it got louder:

“You’re going to regret this.”

This is a pattern I’ve fallen into before.

When life gets busy, really busy, something has to give and more often than not, it’s Crossdressing / Davina that gives way to duty and work .. The thing that releases pressure for a few hours denied by myself as work is more important.

Work has deadlines. Responsibilities. Consequences as does duty to my family.

When I don’t make space to dress and transform into Davina, she doesn’t quietly disappear into the background. She lingers. Builds… well not Davina more stress .. stress becomes Uber stress a dangerous level and I've not switched on my release valve and I know this weekend I'll not feel 100%.. Sat here now a wind down from work and I feel ill.

“It’s fine, I’ll do it another day…” but I know there are a lot more restrictions on my private time and opportunities coming. 

Next Wednesday was a plan, that days now full of work, Dad commitments, next Friday Parent commitments and after that 3 weeks solid parents commitments daily not only affecting work but zero opportunity to escape and then we're into mid May exams and end of uni and no privacy until September

Usually, that regret hits later.

This time, it arrived almost immediately, I knew deep down making time was going to be difficult and think I knew it wasn't going to happen as.

I hadn’t prepped.

Hadn’t shaved.

Hadn’t prepped what to wear

And I felt it. That sinking feeling of:

“I’ve let this slip.”

But because I couldn’t do it perfectly and get a quality escape feeling different.. Work came first and the stress levels went higher.

If I can’t be completely smooth, completely put together, completely convincing .. and have time to enjoy it.. Then what’s the point?

Part of the pressure comes from what’s ahead.

Work. Family. Responsibilities.

Disruption to routine. 15 days of severe treatment for one of my parents and I'm taking them every day so not only affects work but the timing of appointments make Davina time impossible and there is worry about the treatment. 

So ahead I'll have 

Fewer opportunities.

Less space.

And that familiar thought creeping in:

“I won’t get another chance for a while…”

Sat, in the middle of a productive day, feeling two things at once:

• Proud of the work I’m doing

• And already mourning the version of today that didn’t happen - Doing this work as Davina

  
  

That’s the reality of a crossdressers life sometimes.

It’s not always a clean balance.

If you’re reading this and recognise yourself in it, that constant negotiation between life and the part of you that needs expression, then you’ll understand the frustration..

Davina