Part 2: Do you want to be a woman

I guess this is part 2 following "Are you Gay" in a mini blog series of my wifes initial questions when i came out as a Crossdresser albeit by accident .. part 3 to come which may be the most interesting..

When I first came out to my wife about crossdressing, I was nervous, vulnerable, and unsure of how the conversation would go but it coming out like it did the real chat was the next day after writing her a letter and sitting through her reading it asking questions along the way whilst she cried.

She had every reason to be surprised, confused, and even hurt and like many women in her position, her first question was “Are you gay?”—something I wrote about in Part 1.

But her second question came just as quickly, and I think it’s one that many wives or partners ask when this part of their husband’s identity is revealed:

“Do you want to be a woman?”

She asked it directly, like she was bracing herself. and my answer—then and now—was simple:

No, I don’t want to be a woman.

But of course, that’s not really a simple question, is it?

Yes I'd like to present as Davina a lot more especially the older i've got it really soothes my mental health somehow - why? who knows? who cares? It just does!!

Why That Question Matters

I’ve come to realise that “Do you want to be a woman?” isn't just about biology or transition.

It’s about trying to understand whether your world—your relationship, your shared future—is about to change in a massive, irreversible way.

For my wife, the question came from a place of care, curiosity, and fear.

I think for many wives, it’s really a way of asking:

• “Are you going to change into someone I don’t know?”

• “Are you going to need things I can’t give you?”

• “Am I going to lose the man I married?”

• "I'm not a Lesbian"

• "I don't want to be married to a woman"

• "How will this be perceived by everyone"

• ... and many more fears...

For Me, the Answer is No

For me, dressing as Davina is emotional, it is inexplicable.

I sometimes hate changing back when I'm chilled and enjoying "fem time" as Davina if i feel it's a little unfulfilled and rushed and not had time to take effect in "chilling me out" or having to change back as someone's coming home or there's a delivery coming or a work meeting on cam..

• It’s not a rejection of my male self.

• It’s not about wanting to physically become a woman or transition.

• I don’t feel I was born in the wrong body.

• I’m not full-time.

• I’m not on hormones. And I’m not planning to be.

  
  

  Its a wonderful escape that after all these years I can't fully understand but so what I enjoy it.

• I do love being Davina.

• I love the escape,

• the softness,

• the beauty,

• the shift in energy.

  
  

  When I’m in that space, I feel more peaceful, more me (a different me) in a strange but grounding way.

More me? - A blog in itself as I mean that but don't mean it also - My wife's also exclaimed

"You can't be a Crossdresser that's just not you"

But it is, it's another side to me, a hidden softer side, maybe its a repressed side society didnt allow me to express openly, the bottled up emotions, thoughts, wants, needs, feelings you can't express as a "Bloke" as that's not what society or your Dad expects or wants from you so yes it is me "I am Davina"... Sometimes..

But I always return to Male me I have duties as a Dad, Husband, work, life that I've signed upto which take precedence over crossdressing and sometimes stupidly over my mental health.

It will be weird my wife reading mere me but I hope she understands that more me part are the parts i've been conditioned to hide away that softer side us men can't show which comes out of me in my crossdressing escapism.

So hard to explain. It even sounds bonkers to me - But we are brain washed and conditioned as I've mentioned before to be and act a certain way through life to be the bread winners, to be men, to hide emotions, to confrom with traditional things society expects from men, flat shoes, socks, cotton boxer shorts, plaid shirt and jeans thats a man and thats how we expect you to look and this is how we expect you to behave, beer, football, rugby, birds..

Some of us aren't like that - we may seem that way I do love Sport thats not conditioned i played and enjoy watching many sports .. i drink beer not in excess but I'm pretty grounded, can be narrow minded when i think i'm right.. I am right a lot.. i get Pi$$ed off when people don't listen and take my adivce and I have a legacy of "I told you so" which i hate .. all adds to the stress and persona and crossdressing is my escape.

I think a lot of crossdressers live in this middle ground—where dressing is an outlet, not a destination - Some take it further and do transition - That's not happening with me I'd just like more time and more freedom to crossdress when I need it..

For Partners Reading This

If your partner is a crossdresser and you’ve found yourself wondering “Does this mean he’s actually trans?” or “Will he eventually transition?”—you are not alone.

• Yes we're trans by definition,

• Yes we're on the trans spectrum to some extent at some position

• Most of us settle on a positon on that sliding scale

• we can move up and down this scale

• Most of us happy to be men, husbands, dads we just need this escape every once in a while

• Most of us don't know why it is complex and different for everyone

• We're the same men you met, married, dated,

• We're the same Dad

• We just have this hobby, thing..

  
  

Most crossdressers find that this is as far as it goes—a meaningful part of who we are, but not a path toward becoming someone else entirely.

The key is communication. Not jumping to conclusions. And asking the question openly, even if it’s hard.

For Crossdressers

If your wife or partner asks you this question, take a breath. Don’t get defensive. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t accept you—it means she wants to understand.

The worst thing we can do is dismiss her fears as silly or unfounded.

Explain what crossdressing means to you, even if you’re still figuring it out yourself.

The more honest and open you can be, the more likely you are to stay connected.

What Came Next

After my wife asked “Are you Gay?... then...Do you want to be a woman?”—and heard my answer—there was a pause.

I could see the thoughts whirring behind her eyes.

Then came a question that went even deeper and touched something more raw:

“Is this my fault? Where do I fit in with all this?”

That’s a question that deserves a blog post of its own, and it will be the heart of Part 3 in this little series.

Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that for all the confusion we feel as crossdressers, it’s nothing compared to the whirlwind of feelings a partner experiences when they realise they’re sharing their life with someone who lives between two worlds.

Davina