From elation to despair but still being me

It’s been a while since I’ve written a blog.

Life, work, family and everything else have been getting in the way.

Work has been particularly stressful, and somehow, amongst all the usual responsibilities, Davina time disappeared too.

Five months passed.

Five months without that opportunity to shut the door, take a few hours for myself and become the other side of me.

Then last Wednesday, finally, I had the opportunity. Just a few hours testing the waters of college and Uni timetables.

And it was fabulous.

A few hours completely as Davina.

Stockings. Heels. Makeup that, if I say so myself, was pretty good. A lovely black-and-white dress. Nice lingerie underneath. Perfume.

Everything coming together.

I'm still experimenting with makeup and I think I need a slightly lighter foundation for the winter months, but that's part of the fun.

There's always something to learn, something to improve and something new to try.

But the important thing wasn't whether my makeup was perfect or whether the dress looked fantastic.

It was how I felt.

After five months without it, I remembered just how much I enjoy becoming Davina.

The feeling of transforming, stepping away from the stresses and responsibilities of everyday life and simply spending a few hours being me in a completely different way.

Relaxed.

Happy.

Confident.

And yes, sexy too.

It isn't just about the clothes. It's about what happens inside my head when I become Davina.

For a few hours, the stresses disappear.

I can forget work, responsibilities, emails, problems and everything else that normally occupies my mind.

It is my escape!

And after five months, I realised just how much I'd missed it.

Then Thursday happened.

The following morning, I received a call from my Dad in the early hours.

My Mam was seriously unwell.

I got there as quickly as I could.

By the time I arrived, she was gone.

Just like that.

One day I was feeling elated, relaxed and enjoying being Davina after five months away from her.

The next, I was facing the deepest despair I've ever known.

My Mam had died suddenly and unexpectedly following a complication with an issue she had.

There was no preparation for it.

No chance to say goodbye.

One minute she's here.

Then she's gone.

And it left a lot of what if questions.

And suddenly the whole family is trying to understand what has happened, whilst at the same time trying to keep going.

There have been so many messages of condolence, both online and in person.

So many people have reached out with kind words.

I've also had messages from other crossdressers who have lost their Mam or Dad and understand exactly what I'm going through.

Some have told me that after losing a parent, they stopped crossdressing.

Not because they stopped wanting to, but because they began thinking about their parent looking down on them and being ashamed of what they did.

I understand why grief can make you think about everything differently.

But that thought hasn't crossed my mind.

Not for a second.

Because Davina is part of me.

She's an element of who I am.

She doesn't replace the husband, Dad, son, worker, coach or all the other parts of my life.

She's simply another part of my character.

And perhaps that's something I've always struggled to explain properly.

We aren't necessarily one thing.

People are complicated.

We have different sides, different interests, different personalities and different things that make us happy.

For me, Davina is one of those things.

She's been part of my life for decades.

And whilst I don't know what anyone else believes happens after we die, I know this:

I don't believe my Mam's love for me would suddenly disappear because of Davina.

She loved me for who I am.

And who I am includes every part of me.

Right now, though, Davina isn't my priority.

My priority is my Dad, my family and getting through the coming weeks.

There are funeral arrangements to organise, logistics to sort out, family to support and a huge amount to deal with.

I'm trying to be there for everyone whilst also processing the fact that my Mam is no longer here and that's hard.

That is a strange place to be.

One moment you're sorting practical things.

The next you're remembering something she said.

Then you're looking at a photograph.

Then the reality hits you again and you realise how much you're going to miss someone who has been part of your life for as long as you can remember.

My Mam was a wife, a Mam and a Grandma.

She put other people before herself.

She cared for the people she loved.

And she leaves a huge hole in our family.

I will always remember her.

I will think about her.

I will talk about her.

I will love her.

And I will carry her memory with me for the rest of my life.

Eventually, life will move forward.

There will be work again.

Family life.

The children's college and university keeping everyone busy.

Football, sport and all the normal chaos of family life.

And hopefully, somewhere amongst it all, there will be more opportunities to become Davina.

More dresses.

More heels.

More stockings.

More makeup.

More perfume.

More hours where I can shut the world out and simply enjoy being her.

And when that happens, I won't feel guilty because being Davina doesn't take anything away from the person my Mam loved.

It is part of that person.

Last Wednesday reminded me how wonderful those few hours can feel.

Thursday reminded me how quickly life can change.

From a day of elation to the deepest despair in less than 24 hours.

Life is fragile. Love it to your best whilst you can.

So whilst I grieve for my Mam, I will also remember to appreciate the things that make me happy.

And one of those things is Davina.

I hope I have many, many more days as her.

But I also hope that every time I put on those heels, every time I spray that perfume and every time I look in the mirror and see Davina looking back at me, I'll remember the woman who helped make me the person I am.

My Mam.

Forever loved.

Forever missed.

Forever part of me. ❤️