I’m Not Competing With My Wife—I crossdress for me

This morning, on my 05:30 walk before work, I was listening to another crossdressing podcast interested on other t-girl thoughts, when something one of the t-girls said made me think hmmm that could be a good blog .. I wonder how many t-girls and wives have this dilema? - Do I have this dilema?

She mentioned how her wife felt threatened by her husband’s crossdressing—not just the fact that he dressed, but because when he did, he looked very much like a woman.

It made his wife feel insecure, even competitive. She worried that he might want to transition (he didn’t), and felt that he was trying to be and look more feminine than her.

And I thought—Wow, that’s such a common and misunderstood dynamic.

So many of us t-girls don’t even realise our wives might be feeling this way. And many wives might not even know how to say it out loud.

But I’ve heard this before. I’ve seen it in messages and emails from other crossdressers and their partners. And it made me want to write this—to speak to something that rarely gets said: "We’re not dressing to compete with our wives. We’re dressing for ourselves"

It’s Not a Competition

When I dress as 'Davina', I’m not trying to outshine my wife or look “more” like a woman than she does. I’m not putting on heels and a wig and makeup to challenge her womanhood.

In fact, if anything, I admire her. I love the way she looks when she gets dressed up.

I’ve often felt a kind of longing—not to be better than her, but to feel what she gets to feel. To wear those clothes, to move that way, to smell and sound and simply be feminine for a little while - My escape.

Most of us don’t get to dress every day. So when we do, we go all out—makeup, heels, carefully chosen outfits, posing for the mirror..We are vain..

It’s an experience. A deep, affirming escape.

But we’re not trying to “compete or win anything.” We’re not trying to be better. We’re just trying to be ourselves, in the limited moments we get to.

Crossdressing as an Escape, Not a Threat

That same podcast touched on something else: how crossdressing can be an escape from the pressures of being a man.

Being Davina gives me emotional relief. It resets me. When I’ve had the chance to dress—even for a couple of hours—I feel calmer, lighter, more balanced. It’s like I’ve connected with something I hide away as a man.

That’s not because I hate being a man. Or a husband. Or a dad - I am a man and I'm a good one - I'm good at being a man lol !!

It’s just that for many of us, living as men in the world means we tuck away our softer sides, our emotions, our creativity, and—yes—our femininity (Pffft says male me don't be so soppy).

Crossdressing gives those parts we deny ourselves through years of "be a man!" conditioning room to breathe.

But to our wives, that escape can feel scary. If we’re needing to be someone else so badly, does that mean we don’t want to be their husband anymore? Are we going to go further? Are we going to transition? Are they going to lose us?

To the Wives Who Feel Threatened

If you’re reading this as a wife or partner of a crossdresser, I want to say this gently and clearly:

• Your fears are valid.

• You didn’t ask for this.

You’re adjusting to something you never expected, and now you’re seeing your husband in dresses and makeup, looking surprisingly convincing. That can shake your sense of who he is—and who you are in the relationship.

But please know:

• We’re not trying to become you.

• We’re not trying to outdo you.

• We’re not trying to stop being your husband.

• No we're not taking it any further

• No we're not about to live as women or transition

• No you're not going to lose us.. we don't want to lose you over crossdressing either

Many of us t-girls aren’t on a path to transition. We don’t want surgery. We don’t want hormones.

What we want is space to express something inside us—a part that’s been there for years, hidden, misunderstood, or only ever half-acknowledged.

I Dress for Me. Not for Anyone Else.

"Davina" isn’t a rival to my wife. She isn’t a performance. She’s a part of me that helps keep me grounded, at times happy as I enjoy crossdressing, and emotionally present in the rest of my life.

Dressing isn’t about anyone else’s femininity—it’s about my own "thing" why do i do it? many reasons but it's for me not anyone else, not competing with anyone apart from myself,trying to look convincing, trying to get makeup right, trying to look good and passable, enjoying the feel of the clothes and how i look in them and how i mentally feel when i can crossdress.

.

I don't dress to be more feminine than my wife. I dress to feel feminine as an escape from male me in my own way. I don’t want to compete. I want to connect with things I enjoy and with emotions I hide.

And maybe the key to all of this—like so many things in relationships—is communication.

It’s talking about the fears. The assumptions. The things unsaid. It’s laughing when we can, and holding space for each other when it gets emotional. It’s being honest that I need to sometimes become 'Davina'— but will always for the vast majority of the time be the husband and father and raving stubborn alpha male.

Final Thought

I don’t see my wife as a competitor. I see her as someone I love, someone I want to share my whole life with—even if there are parts of me she still finds hard to fully understand.

I dress as "Davina" because it makes me feel whole, resets me sometimes and chills me out - who cares why!!??.

And if you're a wife reading this: you’re not being replaced. You're being invited into something deeper, something which may be fun to be a part of if you can —if and when you’re ready.

Davina