Life, loss and longing to be Davina again

It’s been a while since I last wrote a blog. A lot has happened in a short space of time, and I thought it was time to bring everyone up to speed.

Sometimes life has a habit of throwing everything at you at once. You barely have time to catch your breath before the next thing comes along, and before you know it, the things that bring you a little happiness get pushed further and further down the list.

For me, that’s been Davina.

From elation to heartbreak

The last time I fully presented as Davina was five weeks ago. After five months without dressing, I finally got that opportunity on the Wednesday. Five months of waiting, hoping for some proper quality time, and wondering when I'd next get the chance to dress fully, do my makeup, put on my wig, choose an outfit and simply enjoy being Davina.

When that opportunity finally came, the feeling was incredible. That sense of freedom, the excitement of transforming myself, and the sheer happiness of being able to spend time as the woman I enjoy being. After such a long wait, it felt like a weight had been lifted.

Then, the very next day, my mum passed away.

And just like that, everything changed.

The elation of finally having that time for myself was replaced by grief, family responsibilities and a whole new set of challenges. There was no time to sit back and process everything properly because there were things that needed doing.

The funeral arrangements, the paperwork, sorting through finances, looking after Dad, chasing probate so that the money can be released to him, and now preparing for Mam's ashes to be interred over the next few weeks.

All the things that come with losing a parent, while you're still trying to come to terms with the fact that they're no longer here and it's hard.

At the same time, life carries on around you. Our youngest has started college, our eldest is in her final year at university, and there are all the usual family commitments alongside everything else.. and work.

I've not stopped work I've carried on to keep things going and my mind fully occupied.. maybe that's stupid who knows?

It's been a lot. Probably more than I've properly acknowledged to myself.

I'm grieving, my mind is constantly busy, and there are days when it feels like I'm carrying a hundred different things at once.

And somewhere in the middle of all that, there's Davina, patiently waiting for her next opportunity.

Why quality time matters

For anyone new to my blog, or anyone who might not fully understand why I keep talking about wanting time to dress, let me explain something.

For me, this isn't about throwing on a dress for twenty minutes or quickly trying on a few outfits when nobody is looking. It's about having proper, uninterrupted quality time.

It's the whole experience. Getting everything out of the wardrobe, choosing lingerie, finding the right dress, putting on my tights and heels, doing my makeup, styling my wig and adding that final touch of perfume.

It's looking in the mirror and seeing Davina come together.

It's taking photographs, blogging, chatting to others on line, trying different outfits, enjoying the freedom and, most importantly, not having to watch the clock every five minutes.

I want to be able to relax into it rather than constantly worrying about whether someone might come home early, whether the phone will ring, or whether a work crisis will suddenly require me to appear on a video call.

Working from home can make finding that time particularly difficult. A few hours might look like an opportunity on paper, but when you're waiting for the door to open or your laptop to demand your attention, it's hardly the same as having the house to yourself with absolutely nothing hanging over you.

I need that freedom again.

And I know exactly what I'm missing because I've experienced it before.

Fourteen hours of freedom

Back in November 2025, I had one of those rare opportunities that you remember for a long time.

It was a Saturday. Our eldest was away at a rugby match, and my wife was on a bus trip to a Christmas market with the youngest. I had fourteen hours at home to myself.

Fourteen hours!

I made the most of thirteen of them.

I got my Davina wardrobe out and worked my way through outfit after outfit. Dresses, lingerie, tights, heels, wigs and makeup. I tried things on, experimented with different looks and took selfies.

My makeup was immaculate, and I could take my time without rushing or worrying about anyone walking through the door.

I wasn't watching the clock. I wasn't trying to squeeze Davina into a tiny gap between work and family life. I was simply enjoying myself.

It was liberating.

That day wasn't about doing anything extraordinary. It was about having the freedom to do something that makes me happy without interruption or pressure.

And I want that feeling again.

Ideally, I'd love a whole weekend.

Or is that greedy?

Imagine two full days to enjoy my wardrobe, experiment with different looks, take photographs and just be Davina without having to keep one eye on the clock.

After the last few weeks, that sounds absolutely wonderful.

The opportunities we don't take

Looking ahead we've booked a long weekend away while our eldest is away abroad on university placement.

But I also realised that I could potentially have stayed home and enjoyed two whole days as Davina.

For a moment, the temptation was obvious.

Two days! No rushing around trying to fit everything into a spare afternoon. No half-finished transformation because something else needed doing. Just time.

But then came the other side of that decision.

One I need the break and a few days in a new country especially making sure my eldest is ok over there will be much needed and I hope fun.

Two .. Dad has lost his wife. He's adjusting to a completely different life, and I naturally want to be there for him.

If I'd stayed home, I'd probably have spent some or most of that weekend doing things with him, keeping him occupied and making sure he wasn't sitting alone with his thoughts.

I need to make sure he's not alone all weekend somehow whilst we're away.

And that's the difficulty, isn't it?

There are always reasons to put your own needs aside. Family, work, parents, children, household responsibilities.

There is always someone who needs something from you or relies on you.

I'm not complaining about that. I love my family, and being there for them matters enormously to me. But sometimes, when you're constantly putting everyone else first, you can lose sight of the things you need for yourself.

I can look forward to a lovely weekend away with my family and still wish I'd found a way to have that precious Davina time.

Both feelings can exist together.

Something Mam taught me

One of the things I talked about in Mam's eulogy was her selflessness.

She was someone who put other people before herself, time and time again.

That was one of her greatest qualities, and it's something I admired about her and made me proud of her.

She cared deeply about her family and was always thinking about other people.

I sometimes wonder did she knows her teenage son was a crossdresser when I lived at home but said nothing not to make it an issue?

It's a wonderful thing to inherit from a parent: that instinct to care, to help and to make sure the people you love are looked after.

But there's a lesson on the other side of it, too.

Sometimes, you have to put yourself first.

Not because you don't love your family.

Not because you want to abandon your responsibilities. And certainly not because your own happiness matters more than everyone else's.

But because you're a person, too.

You have needs, feelings and things that bring you joy. You can't keep giving everything to everybody else without occasionally making space to recharge your own batteries.

I think that's particularly important for people like me, who spend so much of their lives being the dependable one.

The husband, the dad, the son, the person who gets things sorted and keeps moving when everyone else needs support.

Sometimes, even the person everyone relies on needs a little time for themselves.

For me, Davina is part of that balance.

She's not a replacement for my family, nor does wanting time as Davina diminish my love for them. It's a private part of my life that brings me happiness, helps me unwind and gives me space to step away from the pressures of everyday life.

After everything that's happened recently, I feel that need more strongly than ever.

Back to the gym and looking ahead

One thing I have managed to get back into is my fitness routine.

I'm back at the gym every weekday morning at 06:30, and sometimes I go again in the evening with our youngest.

Keeping fit has always been important to me, but there's an added incentive now: maintaining Davina's figure!

There's a bigger goal on the horizon, too. In five months' time, we're heading away for our 25th wedding anniversary holiday, and this time it's just the two of us.

That gives us both a real incentive to get ourselves in shape.

We'd planned to get stuck into our diets and exercise routines at the beginning of 2026, but, like plenty of good intentions, that plan didn't quite happen as we'd hoped. There's no point dwelling on what we should have done months ago.

We can only focus on what we do from now on.

So it's time for a proper push.

Eating better, staying consistent with exercise and getting fitter, leaner and stronger. Not just to look good on the beach, although I'm certainly not going to complain about that, but to give ourselves the best chance of growing older together while staying fit, mobile and healthy.

We've got a wonderful milestone to celebrate, and I want us both to enjoy it to the fullest.

And yes, if that means a little extra motivation from the thought of Davina's summer wardrobe, then I'll happily take it!

Making time for happiness

I know that life won't suddenly become quiet.

There will still be family commitments, work pressures and responsibilities.

Dad will need support, the kids will have their own busy lives, and there will always be something that needs sorting.

Grief doesn't follow a timetable, either. I'm still processing losing Mam, and there will be difficult days ahead as we deal with the final arrangements and everything that comes with them.

But I also know I can't keep putting my own happiness indefinitely on hold.

I need to make a conscious effort to find that time rather than simply hoping an opportunity will appear. Perhaps that means planning a day when the house is empty, arranging things in advance with my wife or finding a way to protect a weekend for myself.

Whatever it takes, I need to make it happen.

Because I remember how I felt after those five months without dressing. I remember the elation of that Wednesday, the freedom of that November Saturday and the simple happiness of having time to be myself.

I want that feeling again.

And I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

To everyone who reads my blogs, messages me or follows my journey, thank you for sticking around, especially when I've been quiet. Sometimes life gets in the way of writing, and sometimes you need a little time to work through things before you can put them into words.

I'll be back with happier blogs soon.

There are still plenty of outfits to wear, thoughts to share, myths to challenge and conversations to have about what crossdressing means to different people.

For now, I'm taking things one day at a time, looking after my family, remembering Mam and trying to look after myself, too.

We only get one life. We spend so much of it looking after everyone else that sometimes we forget we're allowed to enjoy our own.

It's time I took my own advice.

Davina needs her day. ❤️