Out of My Closet, Into Hers – But What About Her?

The night I came out to my wife wasn’t planned — I was a crossdresser, trying on clothing only, no makeup, not trying to present fully as a woman.. mainly trying on lingerie, hosiery and heels sometimes dresses but it was few and far between. (This has actually given me another blog idea recalling this).

She’d asked me, playfully (twice over two weeks), if she could dress me up as a woman for a laugh (Only she didn't add 'for a laugh').

In that moment, my heart raced. Had she figured it out? Had she guessed that I was a crossdresser, a t-girl? I thought the door had opened — just enough — and I relented on the 2nd ask and stepped through it.

That night, I told her. I shared my truth: that I was already dressing, secretly, for years. 

Her reaction was heartbreakingly honest. She was upset — She hadn’t known - She wasn't calling me out on being a t-girl. 

She asked: “Are you gay?” “Do you want to become a woman?” “Is this my fault?”

None of those things were true — but her questions weren’t unreasonable. She was trying to make sense of something that had just shifted the foundation of our marriage.

Over the years, my crossdressing progressed, and so did her understanding. Five or six years later, and I’m out of my closet — and very much into hers. 

We both know I’m trans (Although it seems more clinical and serious to admit I'm Trans - I'm the T in LGBTQ - I'm more than a Crossdresser as I don't just dress I present fully) — We both acknowledge that I live on the Trans spectrum — This is me and we use for reference the name "Davina".

She knows that name. She knows the clothes, the perfume, the softer energy that lives in me. And she’s accepted it — mostly.

But with that acceptance came a firm, unshakable rule: No one can know. Not the kids. Not our families. Not friends. Not work. It has to stay between us.

And while I’ve been able to unburden myself — to talk to her, to share, to cry (Yes big butch Alpha me has cried over this even typing that now sat here as a man makes me think - 'Wimp' such is the conditioning as a boy to man us men have and the expectancy of what we need to be as MEN - another blog maybe), my unburdening has allowed me to breathe — I’ve often wondered:

What about her?

She now lives with the knowledge that her husband is a crossdresser, a t-girl, somewhere on the trans spectrum, in a place I hope we're both comfortable with. 

She holds space for that. She makes room for it in our life. But who holds space for her?

She's said before when we've discussed this and I've said "This is my escapism" and her response is "What's my escapism?" - I don't know the answer to that as women are stressed too, can be depressed and upset - I suppose we all need to find an outlet, a release valve of our own - I've found mine.

She says she’s never told anyone. 

Not her mum. Not her sister. Not her closest friend. Not her female boss at work. Not to a therapist/councilor - no one not even at the beggining the life changing (?) reckoning that she's now married to a Crossdresser when things were tough to take in and reason or conclude what it meant for her for us. She’s bottled it all inside.

Maybe she doesn’t feel the need to talk. 

Maybe she sees it as just one more thing we navigate together. Or maybe, just maybe, she does need to talk — not to a therapist or family member, but to someone who gets it.

Another wife of a t-girl?

That's certainly worked for me another person a Woman to sound my fears and wants to assure my wife talking to another woman has helped me see this more from a wifes perspective and that's been enlightening for me .. Maybe it would for my wife.

Someone who’s walked that same uncertain, emotional path — from shock to confusion to cautious acceptance. Someone who’s asked herself the same questions: Who is my husband now? What does this mean for our marriage? What do I need? Whats his sexuality? Will we survive this?

Maybe a chat like that would let her release things she doesn’t even know she’s holding. Maybe it would feel good to say “me too” — and not feel so alone.

Maybe chatting to another tgirls wife would be something she'd actually enjoy

As for me, I’m grateful. Grateful that I’ve been able to come out. Grateful to be Davina, not just in secret, but in shared space. Grateful for her… even if I sometimes forget how heavy that gift might feel on her shoulders.

If you’re a partner reading this — you’re not alone. And if you’re a t-girl like me, don’t forget: your partner has a closet now too.

Maybe it’s time we helped them open the door. I need to talk to my wife on this again.

I think shes compartmentalised it and buried it until I bring it up again. And I don't want her to have to do that - If that works for her ok carry on.

But I think it would be better further in the light if you read my blog you'll know this is one part of my busy life but also now my coping mechanism, mental reset, escape and I'd like it to be discussed every now and then without fretting over having the take her head out of the sand, without the "not this again" feel it gives me for her to see it as something light we can joke about.

I want her to be ok with it, really ok - And if she needs (and why not give it a try) to talk to someone else without outing herself as the wife of a crossdresser to someone who may judge it and us differently.

Davina