Part 1: "Are You Gay?"

I posted this the other day or a version of this and it seems to have dissapeaered as I've moved to Part 2 do you want to be a woman and part 3 is this my fault.

So a valid query from a wife and a common 1st query "Are you Gay?"

It's a question many crossdressers hear from their partners at some point:"Are you gay?"

When my wife asked me this, it was out of the blue something I hadn't considered something I didn't expect her to ask - Came out as a shock to me and to her given the way I came out unplanned and unresearched..

No, I’m not gay.

Still, the question lingered, as it does for many women who discover their husbands enjoy crossdressing.

Here’s the important part: While the answer may be simple for us, the question is not simple for them.

Does he dress to attract men?

No I dress for me!!

The Fear Behind the Question

Wives who ask this aren’t trying to accuse—they’re trying to understand.

Most of them haven’t grown up in spaces where crossdressing or gender fluidity wasn't talked about openly.

So when they discover their husband wears women’s clothes, sees a female version of himself in the mirror, and even enjoys feeling feminine, their minds naturally reach for explanations.

One of the most obvious cultural explanations is that their husband might be gay—or at the very least, bisexual.

Even if we say no, they might still wonder:

• Why does he want to look like a woman?

• Is he attracted to men when dressed?

• Does he fantasize about being taken like a woman?

• Am I enough for him?

These aren’t silly questions. They’re not insults. They are expressions of love, fear, and the deep desire to protect the relationship.

My wife says she's excluded my sexuality as Davina from her thoughts but I think that will always linger on a wifes thoughts.. "This must affect his sexuality" especially if we've divulged as I have that I get messages from men asking if I'd meet them as Davina for you know what.. Answer is no!

Flattering men "Fancy me" as T-Girl but not gonna happen - Not attracted to men at all.

So thought of me being Gay / Bisexual out of her mind?

A Comedian Once Said…

A comedian was riffing on “alpha males” and stopped to describe me—saying "Trying very hard to act masculine and Alpha male probably bisexual and his wifes no clue.”

It hit home. Not because I’m bisexual, but because I’ve definitely spent parts of my life overcompensating—putting on the manly man hiding the softer side of me - The Crossdresser.

He was one letter off lgb T q+ What if he'd said probably a crossdresser may have seen a look of recognition on my face that "Yep you guessed it I'm a crossdresser"

Trying so hard to be the provider, protector, and stoic male figure. Hiding Davina. Pretending she didn’t exist to keep "Her" secret.

And if a comedian could clock that contradiction in a minute, imagine what it’s like for a wife living alongside it for years.

The question—“Are you gay?”—isn't just about sexuality. It’s about truthfulness. It's asking, “What else haven’t you told me?”

Later in the pub she said "So ... Probably Bisexual and wife doesn't know..?"

My reply "He was one letter off I'm the T not the B".. Hopefully that satisfied her.

I did think to jokingly say "What if I am Bisexual as Davina I'm definately a Lesbian as Davina" but would that have left the thought floating.. 'Maybe he is Bisexual'.. would she have said "I don't find that funny".. never ending thought process around crossdressing.

Sexuality vs. Expression

What I’ve come to understand is this: gender expression and sexual orientation are different, but easily confused to me they're completely unrelated.

Grouping with LGBTQ+ maybe doesn't help this nor does most openly Trans people and Drag Queens we see in pod casts, on TV being Bisexual or Gay so easy to equate it with the question does it mean you're Gay? Arrgghhh!!

Dressing as Davina isn’t about men AT ALL.

It’s about me. It’s about inner-peace, softness, a shift in energy, a part of me that has always been hidden.

I don’t dress to attract anyone I dress for me - The fact someone may find my presentation as Davina attractive is I could say a bonus but don't mean it that way it's flattering it makes me feel passable to an extent as a woman and that's what I'm hoping to achieve with the magic of makeup to make myself look like a woman its a challenge.

But my wife, like many wives, still needs space and patience to process all this - Maybe years.

For her, the line between identity, expression, attraction, and intimacy maybe isn’t just theoretical. It affects her life. Her marriage. Her sense of who I am.

I can see why wives equate dressing as women with sexuality - It makes me go ARGHHhhh!

So What Do Wives Need?

They need reassurance, but not just words.

They need consistency.

They need us to listen to their fears without defensiveness.

They need to be seen and cherished in the same way we long to be understood in our feminine selves.

It’s not enough to say, “No, I’m not gay.”It helps to add:“I understand why you might think that. This world doesn’t make it easy to explain what I feel. But I’m not hiding who I’m attracted to. I’m trying to show you who I really am. and I have no attraction to men and I don't feminise myself for men I do it for me”

Because in the end, what most wives want to know is that they’re still loved, still desired, and still central in a world that suddenly looks different.

Crossdressing doesn’t erase our love for our wives. But if we want them to walk beside us, we must honour their questions—even the hard ones and understand their fears and insecurities brought about by us being different - Being on the Trans spectrum.

Davina