Part 3: "Is This My Fault?"

After my wife asked if I was gay, and whether I wanted to be a woman, she paused for a moment.

Then came a softer, more vulnerable question—the one that stayed with me the longest.

"Is this my fault?"

She didn’t ask it accusingly. It wasn’t angry. It was more of a whisper, as if she barely wanted to say it out loud. But there it was. That fear. That ache. That sense of maybe I wasn’t enough.

And I told her:

No, this isn’t your fault.

I’ve Crossdressed Since I Was a Kid

This part of me didn’t begin when I met her.

It’s been there, quietly, since I was six or seven—surfacing in little moments through childhood, the odd teen year, and into my twenties.

It wasn’t constant, and it wasn’t always the same.

Early on, it was about sensation—the feel of the fabric, the thrill of it, the secrecy - Masterbation!!.

I wasn’t seeing women in lingerie, stockings, heels—not in real life anyway.

So I stepped into that image myself.

I became the thing I longed to see.

I crossdressed to feel it, to see it, and yes, sometimes to get off on it.

So no, my wife didn’t cause this. She didn’t awaken some dormant urge that never existed before - She'd done nothing wrong - I still fancied her and still do.

But… it’s also more complicated than a straight no.

What Happens When Women Change, and We Don't Talk About It

Here’s the part many men are too afraid to admit, and many women don’t see coming:

Women change. Men stay silent. And nobody talks about it - But it affects us and we grieve it.

In the early days of dating, many women wear lingerie, heels, makeup.

The sex is new, the outfits exciting.

I saw my girlfriend—now my wife—wear stockings, matching bras and knickers, heels, mini skirts. She looked incredible. And I loved it.

Then we got married.

And years into marriage something shifts... its unwritten, unexpected and no one tells us about it

It probably started on our wedding night. I was truly gutted about this something I've looked forward to all my life considering the wedding night my wife in sexy lingerie stockings etc

I never saw her in the lingerie she wore under her dress.

That basque, those stockings, suspenders, heels—all hidden.

I never got to see it, let alone enjoy it, seeing her wearing it - OK next day and when back off Honeymoon I tried it all on myself but was back before makeup and trying to present fem i just tried it on but was gutted that I never got to see my wife in the Cream basque knickers suspsenders stockings and heels - I was pretty gutted by this but hard to say hey I feel a bit gutted I've come to bed and you've taken it all off without me seeing you in it.. Not a good way to start a marriage moaning at her about her being naked and not in the lingerie.

I think most women also have this unwritten thing over time - the lingerie fades.

The heels disappear. Stockings replaced by socks. Makeup rarer.

That shift… that soft, unspoken change in presentation… it happens in so many marriages. But we never really talk about it. - We daren't - I've tried and got "You should love me how I am" and I do but that unspoken change the things that add the extra titilation for men in hosiery, lingerie, heels, the red lips.. gone or becomes a rare sight on our partners.

And we men? We feel it we actually grieve it believe it or not - We feel like our wives and GFs have stopped making that affort for us, it affects us makes us think we're no longer worthy of the peacock feather treatment the feathers are tied back and no longer on show unless its a wedding do or a night out with the girls then heels come back out nails done hair done makeup done and we wave bye seeing our wives and GFs go out with the "Girls" looking fantastic as we're left at home.

We’re scared to say anything.

Scared of getting our heads bitten off, or being accused of being shallow or ungrateful.

So we swallow it and it affects us - Men have feelings too but we don't show it affects us.

This by the way is quite an important blog post as it is something that has an effect on men which we feel we're treading on thin ice to mention and talk about.. Crossdressers and non crossdressers it's something women do, unspoken, maybe settled in a relationship and comfortable with the relationship - I'll use these words "Taking for granted" that we're happy with this sudden unspoken change - Lingerie, heels, red lips gone.. Its pretty devastating when it happens and I don't think women realise this - maybe because we're too afraid to spark this debate..

Compensation, Not Blame

Somewhere in that silence, for some men, the crossdressing returns. Or deepens and some I've spoken to its a trigger to wear the things their wives aren't wearing - Some crossdressers start late and as a result in this unspoken change.

For some it becomes part of the grieving process for others a return to the compensation of youth. A way to fill the visual, sensual gap. A way to feel something we miss.

I don’t crossdress because of my wife.

But yes, there is a part of me that misses the visual thrill I used to get from her—and now gets from being Davina.

I would love my wife to have matching lingerie, love to see her in tight and heels more.. stockings maybe for a special occasion as they're a big turn on - Some women (wife involved) say they don't feel comfortable in lingerie and stockings etc - OMG it turns us on even more seeing you ladies making that little thing happen for us the titilation of sexy lingerie on you the tease seeing it the power over us that gives you that you don't even grasp exists..

That doesn’t mean I blame her for not wearing sexy or matching lingerie sets or stockings.

This isn’t about fault. Her comfort, her confidence (wish she was more confident about how sexy she is) it's upto her to wear what she wants but every now and then what a tease it would be to see the matching lingerie, stockings and heels.. Wow! something that should be so easy is ow a fantasy..

So part of our dressing isn't a wifes fault as it's not unique that some women move away from dressing to titilate us .. so crossdressing returns to a compensation for a change we never discussed.

And it’s only one slice of the pie chart of reasons why I / we dress and a small reason but it is a reason and to an extent now yes maybe some of why we dress isn't our wives fault as we've always dressed, damn it even if my wife wore sexy lingerie i'd still dress but its more the man side of me missing this so to a very small extent - is it my fault - for the man in me a little tiny tiny bit yes now but we crossdressed anyway so no.

The Night That Changed Things

When my wife dressed me up and did my makeup, something changed again.

That night, she took me from someone who occasionally tried things on to someone who saw a reflection that looked convincingly female.

That night, I realised I could present—not just try things on.

Since then, I’ve gone from the odd session to full presentation: wig, heels, makeup, outfits carefully chosen. I do it properly. Or not at all.

So in a way, my wife nudged me along the trans spectrum that bit more.

Maybe I would’ve gotten there anyway in time.. maybe the opposite who knows but her involvement opened a door, and I walked right through it and jogged onto a wig and full makeup and presenting fully as "Davina".

So… Is It Her Fault?

No.

But… maybe she had more of a part in this journey than either of us realised - So is this my fault? - No I've always been a Crossdresser but she certainly helped move me on to a further stage along the Trans spectrum.

Not blame.

Not responsibility.

Maybe… influenced a growth in where I moved to on the Trans spectrum.

(I must draw a diagram of what this spectrum may look like and blog about it).

And if that’s true, then perhaps the deeper truth is this:

Crossdressing is not something women “cause.” But the silent shifts in intimacy, presentation, and connection can shape how crossdressing evolves.

So maybe the better question isn’t “Is this my fault?”

It’s “How did we get here together, without ever talking about it?”

The journey isn’t over—not for me, and not for us.

Maybe the most powerful part isn’t the clothes we put on, but the conversations we learn to have.

I wonder "Dear readers" how many women understand how it affects us men when changes happen, unspoken and what a discussion on this may look like between a husband and wife not in a nasty way, not it a you must present a certain way for me way just a balanced conversatoin - It may not change things but as a Crossdresser - Is a wife ok if she's not going to wear lingerie for us to compensate by wearing it..?

I'm greedy I want us both in Lingerie lol

Davina