Reply from a Partner: “What I’m Afraid To Say Out Loud”

I posted the disadvantages and within no time I got an email from a partner of a T-girl thanking me for posting the disadvantages as most t-girl sites encourage women to accept crossdressing having read the advantages and seeing some positives in her relationship but not many list the fears and disadvantages too - Here's her email

Davina, Thanks for this blog it's honest and eye opening into the world of a crossdresser and what thoughts go on inside your head and your chats with AI and what they has presented are also a good read.

I didn't know how to publish on your blog or if that was allowed and welcomed so thought I'd email you.

I'm a wife of a crossdressed UK based and have known about his crossdressing for over 10 years. I found a suitcase of clothes, wigs, high heels, raunchy lingerie and honestly thought somone had left it in the loft when they moved out and it was nothing to do with us.

On showing my husband the suitcase before I had opportunity to say someone who lived here before us must have left this here he came out with "I'm sorry I've hidden this from you but now you've found my things lets get it out in the open" I didn't realise what he was confessing until the words came out if his mouth "I'm a crossdresser its my stuff, I'm sorry"

It floored me but I won't go into details in this email as that's not why I'm writing to you.

I've read many of your your blog posts with tears in my eyes especially the last one on disadvantages because finally, someone is putting into words the things I think and fear about my husband but rarely say, or rather I'm afraid to talk to him about as I don't want to upset him and feel I'm being judgemental about his Crossdressing.

You asked what it’s like from a partner’s point of view.

So here goes, as honestly as I can.

I love my husband.

That hasn’t changed.

But when I found out he crossdresses—or, more truthfully, when I truly understood what that meant—it shook the foundation of how I saw him, and us.

I felt blindsided. This just isn't him, it can't be true he must be playing a joke on me these clothes weren't his.

Was this always part of him?

Why didn’t I know?

And what else don’t I know?

And yet… we’ve had our moments.

Like you and your wife I’ve spent time with him while he was dressed.

One evening we even went full “girls’ night”—wine, music, a bit of makeup fun, silly selfies.

I’ll admit, it was enjoyable.

There was laughter.

And something sweet about how relaxed he was.

But it was also… strange.

Seeing him walk differently.

Hearing his voice go softer, higher.

Watching him fuss with his hair like it mattered more than usual.

I kept thinking, “This is still him, right?” Because in some ways, it was—but in others, it felt like a version of him I wasn’t quite sure how to connect with.

What unnerves me most is how happy he seems when dressed. Genuinely lighter.

Nicer, even.

Like the world has stopped weighing on him so much.

And that scares me more than anything—because what if he wants to be this happy all the time? What if “she” starts to feel more real than the man I married?

What if he wants to be her full time?

And where does that leave me?

Am I still enough?

Is our life still what he wants?

Do I become someone helping him live his truth—or someone holding him back from it?

Sometimes I catch myself studying him when he’s dressed.

How carefully he moves, how gently he speaks. And I wonder—does he feel freer like this?

Is this a side of him he wishes he could show more?

And if so… how much more?

Sex has changed too.

I don’t always know where I fit anymore.

Am I still the desired one?

Or am I just one version of femininity in his world now?

And then there’s the outside world.

The fear of someone finding out.

The constant weight of “what if”—what if someone sees a photo, what if the kids ask questions, what if friends or family don’t understand?

I feel like I’m holding a secret in one hand and my sanity in the other.

I don’t hate it. I don’t hate her. But I’m scared.

Scared of how much has already changed.

Of what might come next.

Of becoming the one who always compromises.

Of upsetting him by not accepting this side to him or by ignoring it, not acknowledging it.

Of losing my place in a marriage that suddenly has what seems like this third person in it.

I just want to feel like I still matter too.

Like my discomfort isn’t just something to “work through,” but something he cares about.

I want us to be close again—not just in the moments when he’s dressed, but always.

I want us to have more husband and wife time as our lives revolve around what the children need or want to do. Life is exhausting with work and children and the dog. I have never asked him if the dogs seen him as her and how the dog acted.

We need to have more time together as a couple and I also know he'd like time together with me and her which I would do if it were that simple but on rare occasions not all the time.

He works from home sometimes crossdressed avoiding the web cam meetings and rushing to change back before everyone is home from school and work.

I do see he's more relaxed once he's been her and I take on board what you've blogged about escapism but like other wives my question is what's our escape? Crossdressing won't work for me I don't want to pretend to be a man but we need an escape too.

Being married to a crossdresser adds a layer of anxiety wondering what next, what if people discover hes trans, it's not there all the time as most of the time hes there as my husband and a dad and no one would even think he becomes her but he does and I accept it but also worry about it.

Life is complicated enough without adding the word Trans in the relationship.

Thanks for adding answers to the questions no one usually does.

I also see some things in the 20 advantages that I enjoy so this can work and does work.

Please keep blogging Davina you don't realise the help and support you give on both this blog and on your forum.

If you think it will help others feel free to publish this email but not my name.

— A loving, but sometimes frightened but accepting wife wondering what the future holds and how far he will go with this other side to him.