The Black Bags, the Eye Roll, and What They Really Meant

My wife had a sort out in the bedroom Saturday and when I asked about the black bags my wife was sorting through, I was told firmly, “No, you can’t look in them.”It was such a small exchange, but it hit me like a wall.

I couldn’t help but feel shut out and wasn't sure what it meant.

My mind spun with questions:

What’s in there?

Are those dresses she’s throwing away?

Why can’t I even look? 

Is this because of crossdressing?

Because for me, since coming out to my wife about Davina, I’ve made honesty a cornerstone of how I deal with crossdressing.

No sneaking, no hiding — I want it to be open, not a secret.

So to be shut down with a flat “no” hurt.

It felt like she didn’t want me involved, or didn’t want me to see something connected to Davina, didn't want me wearing her stuff? didn't want to see me at some point wearing her stuff? rather throw them out or give them to charity than let me have things to wear?.

It put me in a bad mood and initially she didn't say anything but she knew.

I also felt a pang of frustration: frustration at the waste of money.

The clothes themselves weren’t the point. The point was that rejection stings.

I work hard — sometimes too hard — because if things go wrong in my job, it can affect a lot of people. The stress is constant. It gets to me.

Sometimes I slip into feeling low, or I seem grumpy without meaning to.

My one escape, my release valve, has become crossdressing.

Being Davina isn’t a hobby, or a little game. It’s a reset button as I've mentioned here time and again an unexplained release valve Alpha male me dressing up as a woman "Go Figure!!". It lifts the weight, helps me breathe, and makes me feel lighter, different, un-stressed, nice and I enjoy it.

I don’t drink heavily. I don’t gamble. I don’t chase thrills or spend money recklessly.

Crossdressing is my only "Vice" — my only “not normal” thing.

I don’t ask for much in our marriage, and I put everyone else first.

So when it feels like I can’t even mention Davina without an eye roll (concious or sub-conciously), or the subject being changed, it cuts deeper than I think my wife realises - Or is it me? - She's not a mind reader after all.

And I’ve seen that eye roll. I’ve felt that awkward pause and the subject shifting.

To me, it feels like dismissal, avoidance, a silent “I don’t want to hear about this.” And because crossdressing is tied so closely to my emotional wellbeing, that hurts more than maybe it should, or is that me thinking that she doesn't want to talk about it.. It's not for her to start a conversation on it it's me and I don't do it as I think she won't want to talk about it.. Stupid right!!

But here’s the truth: My wife later messaged me to apologise.

She told me that the reason she hadn’t let me look in the bags wasn’t because she was shutting me out, but because she wanted to clear them quickly, not dwell over what to keep or discard.

She told me to check them if I wanted to. And in that moment, the weight shifted.

It wasn’t rejection.

It wasn’t meant to exclude me.

It was just her being practical in her own way.

She also told me something important: she doesn’t even always realise if she rolls her eyes, or if she changes the subject when I mention crossdressing. She said she isn’t deliberately avoiding the topic.

That was huge for me to hear, because it made me realise maybe it’s not always her — maybe it’s me. (It is more me as I've had chance to talk about Davina since when out on a walk this morning and didn't)

Maybe it’s my own embarrassment creeping in.

Maybe I’m overthinking every tiny reaction, projecting how I fear she feels about Davina rather than what she truly feels. Maybe she knows it is what is is and is ok with the level we've set me dressing home alone, no one finding out etc.

I’ve been so conscious of not pushing Davina onto her that maybe I’ve ended up reading rejection where there isn’t any.

At the same time, it shows how fragile this balance is: Crossdressing matters so much to me that even small things — an eye roll, a “no,” a subject change — can feel amplified.

It's my important unimportant thing put to one side when life is more important when others are more important and when duty is more important but it means i push this away even when the urge is there.. not getting any younger and it feels wasted time.. When bored sometimes i think I could be messing with makeup, sorting dresses to keep and get rid of, looking on Shien or Boohoo or some other cheap on line store at dresses, lingerie and heels.. Duty first - Alpha me first.

But her apology, and her honesty, opened a door. I'm glad she messaged me as I was stuck for the next move.I was glad she broke the ice.

It turned what could have been a wedge into an opportunity to talk or at least whatsapp message.

It showed me she had reflected and cared enough to clarify. That’s what trust looks like.

Why This Matters

Crossdressing, for me, is not about wanting to be someone else, or leaving my marriage, or changing who I fundamentally am.

It’s about escape, stress relief, finding balance, and reconnecting with a side of myself I can’t otherwise express.

Without it, I feel bottled up and tense.

With it, I come back happier, lighter, calmer.

So when my wife rolls her eyes or avoids the subject, even if she doesn’t mean it, it can feel like she’s brushing away the one thing that helps me cope. And when she apologises, or says, “I didn’t realise,” it reminds me how important communication really is.

A Word to Partners

If you’re a partner of someone who crossdresses, please know this:

The little things you say or do can carry a lot of weight.

An eye roll might feel like nothing to you, but it can echo loudly to us.

Silence can feel like avoidance.

A “no” can feel like rejection, even if it wasn’t meant that way.

Crossdressing often isn’t just clothes.

It’s stress relief its an escape and when you’re open — even if you don’t understand it fully — it builds bridges.

If you’re not sure how you feel, say so.

If you’re uncomfortable, say that too.

Honesty, even when it’s awkward, is better than silence or assumptions.

My wife’s simple message — an apology, an explanation — turned a hurt into an opening. And that, more than anything, shows me that trust and honesty are what matter most.

If you're a Crossdresser

Don't over complicate your thought and fears.. Yes its frustrating being a T-Girl when you need to but can't dress .. We have to somehow keep communication going and grasp an opportunity to talk about corssdressing with our partners when we can - I need to take my own advice!!

Davina