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The Art of the Reset — Davina’s Way

From the outside, my life looks… solid. The kind of life people respect.

Built properly. Steady. Reliable.

A career where I’m trusted, listened to, relied upon.

A marriage that has stood the test of time.

Children, responsibilities, ageing parents… Duties to everyone outside of duties in work and it can wear you down but being men we plod on, no one notices if we struggle as we don't show it even if it makes us feel unhappy, depressed or bored - Right now life is pretty boring as a man work work work duties duties duties.. eat sleep work repeat is life currently.

All the things a man is supposed to carry. And I do carry them. Proudly and without question or hesitation.

But if I’m honest… it’s heavy. Not in a dramatic way. Just… constant and monotonous - boring!

There’s an expectation that comes with being “that man.”

• The one who knows.

• The one who decides.

• The one who doesn’t get it wrong.

Although after work work work sometimes Esme will say what do you want to do tonight, what do you want for dinner and the answer is usually "I don't know" ad work can melt the brain thinking all day can lead to that brain dead someone else make the decision way of thinking my brains gone for the day.

I’ve spent years becoming him.

And somewhere along the way… I realised I never get to put him down, there is nothing that slows my male life down no male escape short of watching sport now I've hung up my boots and even watching sport can be irritating when my teams aren't performing.. So sometimes even watching them struggle is more a chore than enjoyment

So joy is at a low ebb currently - I saw on TV earlier a panel discussing Mr Miserable the middle aged man (Thats me) and how he's miserable and boring - Married, kids, house, car, career, worry about money, worry about the kids, now worry about parents health - As Admiral Akbar would say "Its a TRAP!!"

When does life get easier as it seems to be getting more complex so currently male me has little joy in his life and is feeling sorry for himself needing affection and intimacy and someone to cheer him up but I also think wives over look this and don't see that we're struggling and we don't tell them we are we just plod on taking one issue at a time

SO my ebb currently is low not a lot of joy - Except… when I become her.

Davina is my Escape… She’s a Reset and has a look, a persona and puts a smile on my face for the few hours I can escape only that time isn't readily available its stolen in between the duties of my male life and its hard to explain that I need more time for that escape and its hard to carve out with so much going on.

People sometimes think this is about dressing up. A bit of fun. A private indulgence.

Yes to an extent but its become more - Its something I look forward to and enjoy and it helps me to mentally and physically escape male me and his duties for a while - That is when i can get some quality time to be Davina - not so much when working from home as Davina clock watching when i have to change back or hoping no video calls.

She’s intentional. Every detail matters. The man is a perfectionist which is where some of the stress comes form reputation, respect and maintaining it and I'm not different as Davina impeccably dressed, shaved, moisturised and makeup on point I strive to look the part I dress fully or not at all.

• The feel of tights on my legs.

• The fall of a dress that just sits right.

• Makeup that softens, refines… transforms.

  
  

It’s not about looking like someone else. It’s about feeling like myself in a completely different way.

• Calmer.

• Gentler.

• Lighter.

Where my male life is driven and exact… Although Pressure is there for perfecting my look Davina is composed and effortless and that shift… that mental switch… Has become very important to me.

The Quiet Power of a being crossdressed, becoming "Davina" not in a weird split personality way just a name but she has a persona far gentler than mine and a look that doesn't match the rugged one on my passport.

Usually

• House empty.

• Work waiting.

• Sat at my desk… as Davina.

• Emails open.

• Decisions to make.

• Still the same job.

• Still the same responsibility.

• But I feel different.

• Softer in myself.

• Less reactive.

• Less… pressured.

There’s something quietly powerful about it. Answering serious, high-level messages…while feeling the smooth fabric of a dress against my skin and that unmistakable sound or nylon rubbing as i move my stocking or tights covered legs. Being the same capable person…but without the weight of having to be that Alpha version of me, even down to mannerisms which my wife would probably laugh at but all or nothing.

And strangely… I think I’m better for it.

• Clearer.

• More measured.

• More… at ease.

By the time I change back—back to “Dad,” back to the man everyone knows—

• I feel reset.

Like I’ve exhaled something I didn’t even realise I was holding in.

Us, Our Secret… and the Balance We Protect.

This part of my life isn’t about replacing anything.

It’s not about wanting a different life.

I love my wife.

What we’ve built matters more than anything.

And she… in her own way… made space for Davina to exist.

Not fully. Not 100% freely. But enough at the time but the way middle age boring me feels at the moment I need to escape more knowing over the next few months that there will be no time for Davina - Maybe that impending doom is also adding to my mental state - In a rut know the escape but also know a few more weeks and it will be impossible to corssdress and forget man me..

The Truth I’ve Learned. Life doesn’t slow down as you get older. If anything, it becomes more demanding.

• More people rely on you.

• More is expected.

And somewhere in all that… you can forget what it feels like to just feel joy and just be content as I'm far from content with life currently. I don't think Esme realises the state my mind is in mentally at times although I've told her I've felt depressed and down in the past for whatever reason she doesn't know what to say seems un-phased even makes me feel like she could easily say "Man up!" to me - If only it were that easy - Its something we probably should talk about but I've tried and felt like she didn't understand my internal struggles - I see how marriages change, how stress has an effect on men who are supposed to be strong and how things wives do can have a negative effect like:

Wives don't wear lingerie - such a simple thing

Wives may make more effort for other people in general

Wives may dress a certain way to go out making more effort than when they go out with you

Other unwritten things they change or something they decide to do you have no say in

That rejection of a hug or a kiss

It can add to stress and also wear thin to the point a husband can stop looking for the hug or the kiss, or give up on asking her to wear lingerie for him as titillation.. I see how some T-Girls I've chatted to have from the above delved deeper into their alter ego for compensation on certain things and I don't want that to happen to us.

I need the

• Calm.

• Balance.

• A quiet kind of happiness.

• Affection

• Intimacy

If You Understand This… You Already Know what it means to escape into your alter ego yet its frowned upon and scorned and called weird and perverted - But it helps - What else? just suffer with the duty and work and stress or find this as an outlet?

We all carry something. A role. A responsibility. A version of ourselves we show the world every day. And sometimes… it’s exhausting. I'm exhausted and in danger of burn out.

For me, the answer has somehow came in the form of a nice dress, a pair of heels, and a softer version of myself named Davina.

For someone else… it might be something entirely different - I've not found that something else for male me. But the idea is the same whatever you do to unwind and relax.

You need a space where you don’t have to perform.

Where you don’t have to be “the strong one.”

Where you can just… reset.

Davina is mine and i meed to work out how i become her more often.

I've already 2 other blogs in my head from this one is to do with my Wifes biggest fear that I'd become Davina and reading this she may think that that's the direction this is taking.. Lets see what my brain spills out of my fingers on that next..

Sorry it's not a cheery blog post I'll be OK - Nothing makeup, stockings lingerie heels can't solve.

Davina