The two sides of me and finding balance and escape

There’s a version of me the world sees every day.

Confident. Direct. Sometimes brash.

A natural leader who takes charge, sets direction, speaks his mind, and doesn’t back down easily.

In work and life, the he in me is the one people look to for decisions, for coaching, for strategy and relief on and turn to when we're up against it in a crisis..

He’s the one who steps forward when something needs doing.

He’s also the one some people misunderstand.

I know not everyone likes that version of me. I also don't care.

Some probably see arrogance where I see conviction.

Some see someone who thinks he’s always right, when really I just believe in standing firm on what I think is fair.

And a lot of the time I am right as I like to have the facts before me before I take battle where necessary or need to prove something.

Because underneath all of that, what actually drives me is pretty simple: fairness, equality, and a refusal to tolerate bullying.

I can’t stand bullies. Never have.

I’ve stepped in before when someone was being attacked and robbed, didn’t think twice, just acted.

That instinct to protect, to stand up for people who can’t or won’t stand up for themselves… it’s part of who I am.

It's also driven me to put the forum Why do Men Crossdress together to help others.

ALL that’s the side of me that feels almost like a superhero sometimes.

Don’t tell anyone—but yeah, I joke that I’m Batman. Others joke I'm Batman and / or Darth Vader.. some in work go to the light and call me a Jedi Master those who realise who I really am as a guy.. but I'd have a purple light saber as I can become Dark when required or rilled.

And maybe that’s where this all gets interesting.

Because every Batman has a hidden space.

A secret part of themselves.

A place they go to when the weight of that strong, unshakable persona becomes too much.

For me, that place… is Davina go figure, try to reason and explain that an alpha males escape is Crossdressing, a persona and presenting as a woman.

Davina: The Escape, The Balance, The Truth

If only Anakin Skywalker was a crossdresser maybe his rage would have dissipated if only he'd discovered Crossdressing.

Davina isn’t a joke.

She’s not a costume.

She’s not something I’m confused about.

She’s a part of me.

And when I become her, everything shifts.

The stubble goes.

The sharp edges soften.

The “alpha” exterior fades away.

With a shave, moisturise, makeup, a wig, lingerie, a dress, heels, perfume—Davina appears.

But it’s more than just appearance. It’s how I move, how I feel, how I exist in that moment.

I relax.

I let go.

The pressure, the constant responsibility, the need to lead and be “on” all the time, it drops away.

In its place is something lighter, freer, even a little bit vulnerable… but in a good way.

It’s not weakness. It’s balance.

If anything, those few hours as Davina help me reset mentally.

Work stress, overthinking, that constant internal pressure I put on myself, it eases.

I come out of it calmer, clearer, and honestly, better.

I probably don’t give that side of myself enough time.

And I know I’d benefit from doing it more regularly, not as a secret indulgence squeezed into rare moments, but as something I consciously allow myself.

A proper reset.

The hardest part isn’t understanding myself.

It’s knowing that most people in my life will never see or understand this side of me.

My wife knows and she wants it kept that way.

No one else knowing.

No crossover between the man everyone sees and the woman I sometimes become.

I get it. I respect it. But it does add a layer of complexity and frustration.

The contrast is so extreme.

The guy people know, the one who’s direct, assertive, maybe even intimidating at times, is the last person anyone would imagine slipping into heels and becoming someone entirely different.

Even I sometimes look at photos of myself as Davina and think, how is that me?

Two completely different presentations. Two completely different energies.

One person.

And yet both are real.

What If They Knew?

Sometimes my mind wanders.

What would people think?

My parents, for example, very old school in their views. Would they understand?

Would they reject it?

Or would they quietly process it and never mention it, like they may have done with small clues over the years?

I think back to being younger, trying on things I probably wasn’t meant to.

Moments that might have been noticed, or might have gone completely under the radar.

Even now, there have been close calls.

Taking too long to answer the door.

Rushing to remove makeup.

That one accidental appearance on a work call as Davina somehow brushed off because it just didn’t fit anyone’s perception of me.

That’s the thing about perception. It’s powerful.

People see what they expect to see.

And no one expects me to be this.

Living Between Two Worlds

There’s also a strange thought that crosses my mind sometimes.

My kids.

They see me as their dad.

Strong, present, dependable. They see their mum as… well, mum.

They’d never imagine that we’ve shared nights out together where I’ve been presenting as a woman. Or that we’ve had quiet evenings where Davina has existed in the same home they feel so familiar with.

It’s like living two parallel lives that never quite touch.

And maybe they never will.

Final Thoughts

I don’t see this as something broken or wrong.

If anything, I see it as something that helps me stay balanced.

The “alpha” side of me, the leader, the protector, the one who steps in and takes control, that’s real. It’s valuable. It’s part of what makes me effective in life.

But it’s not the whole story.

Davina exists because that side of me can’t carry everything all the time.

She’s the release.

The reset.

The softer edge that stops me from burning out.

So maybe I’m not Batman.

Or maybe I am.

Just not in the way people expect.

Because behind the mask, behind the strength, behind the version of me the world sees…

There’s another side quietly keeping everything in balance.

And her name is Davina.