When something simple and innocent to us becomes so complicated to understand

I've chatted to sooo many Crossdressers / T-Girls over the last month via X posts and DMs and the main query has been - "How do I come out to my wife?" - "I want to write my wife a letter about my crossdressing" - "Help I can't do this alone any more I need to confess to my partner"

A definite theme and I've had about 10 letters to proof read from Crossdressers to wives..

Their words, their lives, their info, their reasons why - Some have been good but some have made me cringe and feedback don't say that in the letter that leads to this this and this question so try to answer those questions in the letter as I know what a wife / partner will think.

Whats nice then is some have reported back - I've given her the letter and we're talking and two came back with she knew I was crossdressing but didn't want to say anything but sadly a few have rejected the letters and talks one telling me they're splitting up but also stating there was more to the relationship which wasn't great and this just pushed it over the edge.. I hate reading that.

So it got me thinking - If you want someone to understand your crossdressing you have to understand it yourself which I've stated many times here and on the Forum "Why do Men Crossdress".. And then got me thinking - In my head this is a harmless escape.. Davina isn't a real person, she's not a threat to my wife or our relationship, I'm not gay or bisexual I'm still straight and love women, love my wife.. I'm not transitioning, I'm not coming out as Trans to everyone and none of this is my wifes fault.. But in my head I know all this but how do we get our wives / partners to get this - REALLY get it.

So here go my fingers - There is a strange frustration that comes with crossdressing.

You can know exactly why you do it.

You can understand what it gives you, how it makes you feel and why it has become an important part of your life.

But then there is the person you love most.

Your wife or partner.

You finally tell her something you've perhaps kept private for years, trusting her with a part of yourself that very few people have ever seen. It's not confessing - It's trusting and coming out as a crossdresser.. Confessing makes it sound like something bad, something betraying trust..

That's not what coming out as a Crossdresser means.

And suddenly something that feels incredibly simple to you can become incredibly complicated for both of you.

My journey didn't start with Davina as many who have read my blogs knows.

My own journey is probably a good example of how something can evolve.

I didn't start out with a wig, makeup, a feminine name or some elaborate plan to become someone else.

It started much more simply.

Occasionally wearing hosiery, lingerie and squeezing into a pair of heels.

That was about it.

No makeup.

No wig.

No Davina.

No feminine persona.

It was curiosity, sensation and the feeling of wearing things that I found incredibly appealing.

Over time, though, that little part of my life grew.

Then, around twenty-five years ago, something happened that changed the direction of my journey.

My wife asked if she could put makeup on me and dress me as a woman.

Looking back, I often wonder what my journey would have been if she hadn't asked that question.

Would I still have eventually discovered Davina?

Would it have remained an occasional bit of dressing in private?

I honestly don't know.

But that moment opened a door.

Eventually there was makeup, a wig, perfume, lingerie, hosiery, heels and dresses.

And eventually there was a name.

Davina.

What had once been a few items of clothing had become another side of me.

Not a replacement for male me.

Not a different person.

Just another part of the same person.

And then comes the difficult bit — telling your wife and explaining it to your wife..

This is where I think crossdressing becomes particularly complicated.

Because your reasons for doing it can be completely private and personal.

You know why you do it.

You know what it gives you.

You know that underneath everything, you're still the same person.

You know it's not a threat to anyone let alone your relationship.

You know this makes you more rounded as a person.

You know this helps you unwind, relax, chill out, de-stress.

You know you enjoy this part of yourself..

But your wife may not see any of that initially.

She sees the dress.

The heels.

The makeup.

The wig.

And she may have an immediate emotional reaction. My wifes reaction was to burst into tears.

Society has given us a very strong idea of what men and women are supposed to wear.

So perhaps she sees something that feels completely alien to her.

Meanwhile, you're standing there thinking:

"But I'm still me."

And that difference in perspective can be enormous.

Rejection really hurts and I hate reading about wives completely rejecting their husbands without a second thought or any further communication based on the worst fears on the internet and the societal view of crossdresing being perverted.

If you've spent years believing that the person you love will understand, rejection can be devastating.

You've trusted her enough to reveal something deeply personal.

You've probably rehearsed the conversation in your head.

You've imagined telling her.

You've imagined her saying:

"Okay. I don't completely understand it, but I still love you.. We'll work through this somehow."

And then reality doesn't match the version you've created in your head.

Perhaps she says she doesn't like it.

Perhaps she doesn't want to see it.

Perhaps she thinks it means something completely different about you.

Perhaps she wants you to stop.

Perhaps she thinks this is an end to your relationship.

Perhaps she thinks or feels betrayed.

Perhaps she thinks she doesn't really know you.

Perhaps she thinks I didn't marry a crossdresser.

Perhaps she even thinks it means you're gay or a pervert.

So may perhaps to theorise..

And the negative response is a massive kick in the gut.

Because from your side, you know the reality.

You haven't changed.

Your love for her hasn't changed.

Your sexuality hasn't necessarily changed.

Your commitment to the relationship hasn't changed.

You're still the same husband.

The same dad.

The same person she knew yesterday.

My wife's acceptance isn't always straightforward

My wife knows about Davina.

And I would describe her as accepting, although sometimes it probably feels more like tolerance. Maybe I think that as we came so far and lately we've not talked about Davina and I've also been restricted heavily as the kids don't know - Maybe my issue is my issue and my wife will talk about Davina but I think she's pushing Davina aside.. My issue to resolve and soon.

And I'm being honest when I say that distinction matters to me.

There's a difference between:

"You're nicer as Davina"

and:

"I know this is part of you, and I'm prepared to tolerate it."

I think most crossdressers would prefer the first.

But relationships aren't always that simple.

My wife doesn't have to love crossdressing.

She doesn't have to understand every aspect of it.

She doesn't have to dress me.

She doesn't have to wear the clothes I wish she'd wear for me.

She doesn't have to become involved in Davina.

And perhaps that's an important point for both sides and something I repeat.

Acceptance doesn't have to mean participation.

She can know without being part of it

I've come to believe there is a perfectly reasonable middle ground but communication is key and letting it slide and go quiet is a mistake but also as Anna on CrossdressedUK and in her podcast interview says "Sometimes you just want to say stop, can we talk about this some other time - Lets have a break from talking about crossdressing" - That's fine but we Crossdressers need to get things off our chest about our fem side so as long as that doesn't cut coms completely fine lets talk later, another day..

My wife can know that Davina exists without having to be involved every time I become her.

She can know what I wear.

She can know what it means to me.

She can understand that I enjoy it.

She can even make the occasional comment or private joke about it.

And that's something I really value.

Because sometimes a little bit of humour can make something that once felt enormous suddenly feel completely normal.

It becomes:

"That's just another part of you."

And perhaps that's exactly where many relationships can eventually get to.

Not necessarily enthusiastic participation.

Not pretending to love something you don't.

Just knowing.

Understanding.

And accepting that this is part of the person you married.

It's not easy to get there and our frustration goes round in circles within the "I know this is simple, harmless, doesn't change me, relaxes me".. "How can I get her to see that, how can I reassure her"..

But what does my wife get from accepting it?

This is where I think we sometimes forget to look at things from the wife's perspective even me sometimes.

Why should she accept something that she doesn't necessarily understand?

There is an answer that doesn't involve her becoming a crossdresser's biggest fan.

Because a happier, less stressed husband can make for a happier relationship - So tolerating is a winning level short of fuller acceptance and her not wanting anything to do with it but aware this is something you do - Take that as a small victory not a full blown rejection.

For me, dressing isn't simply about clothes.

There is a mental side to it.

Life can be busy.

Work.

Family.

Responsibilities.

Being the husband.

Being the dad.

Being the provider.

Caring for my parents.

Being the person everyone relies on.

There are times when I just want.. no I need to put all of that down for a few hours for my own sanity and do something where I totally escape and unwind and something I enjoy.

Get dressed.

Become Davina.

And switch off.

I come out the other side feeling lighter.

More relaxed.

Reset.

And surely there is some benefit to my wife in having a husband who is happier and less stressed.

That doesn't mean:

"You have to let me crossdress because it makes me happy."

Relationships don't work like that.. Although some men will just announce I'm going to play golf see you this evening.. Oh and can you pick me up from the 19th hole me and the lads are having a few after golf..

There is another way of looking at Crossdressing.

Instead of:

"Why does my husband want to wear women's clothes?"

perhaps eventually it becomes:

"This is something that helps my husband feel relaxed and happy it's strange and I want nothing to do with it but if he does it privately when I'm not home..."

That's a very different conversation.

It doesn't have to change the relationship

One of the biggest fears a wife might have is:

"What does this mean for us?"

And I think that's completely understandable.

Does he still love me?

Is he still attracted to me?

Does he want to be a woman?

Is he going to change?

Is our relationship going to become something completely different?

Those questions deserve honest answers.

For me, the answer is simple.

No.

I'm still me.

I still love my wife.

I'm still her husband.

Nothing about putting on a dress changes that.

Davina doesn't replace male me.

She doesn't replace my relationship with my wife.

But I know this .. I feel I have to reassure her constantly - It's not complicated to me but it's not the norm is it so it's complicated and here we are again in this circular reference which all couples even accepting couples keep coming back to as I see my wife rolling her eye either because here we go again he wants to talk abut Davina or here we go again I've told him I'm fine with it.. Or is that in my head.

If anything, being able to express this side of myself honestly can mean less secrecy, less internal frustration and less stress.

And that can only be a positive thing for the relationship.

There can even be something intimate about it

I'm not talking about sex.

Intimacy isn't always about sex.

Sometimes it's about sharing something that nobody else knows.

A private joke.

A look between two people.

A little comment about an outfit.

Your wife knowing something about you that the rest of the world doesn't.

There can be something incredibly intimate about that.

For me, one of the most important things isn't necessarily having my wife involved in dressing.

It's knowing she knows.

That I'm not hiding.

That she has seen this side of me and we're still here.

Still married.

Still laughing.

Still arguing about the normal things couples argue about.

Still living our lives.

Nothing fundamental has changed.

We've done the girls nights in.. and one out in London.. So her seeing me and doing anything with me dressed is in the bucket if I have a bucket list and I'm not planning girls nights in or out with her - I just need to talk about Davina sometimes without me feeling that I'm upsetting her or worrying her.. Again "Simple" in my head.

I have to acknowledge her side

It's easy for me to sit here and say:

"It's harmless. Why can't wives just accept it?"

But that's unfair.

My wife didn't choose to have a crossdressing husband.

She didn't necessarily grow up expecting this.

She has her own feelings, boundaries, insecurities and ideas about relationships.

If something makes her uncomfortable, that doesn't make her wrong.

And if something is important to me, that doesn't make me wrong either.

Both things can be true.

That's why communication matters so much.

I don't want my wife to feel pressured into participating.

And I don't want to feel that I have to pretend Davina doesn't exist.

There has to be space for both of us.

Maybe that's what acceptance really looks like

Perhaps acceptance isn't:

"I love everything about this."

Perhaps sometimes it's:

"I don't completely understand it, but I understand that it's part of you."

And perhaps tolerance is sometimes the first step towards understanding.

My wife may never experience Davina the way I do.

She may never understand exactly what I feel when I put on a dress, heels, makeup and a wig.

And that's okay.

She doesn't have to.

She just needs to understand that I'm still the same person underneath it all and I think she knows that - I wish other wives realised this about their husbands.

We can have something that belongs to me without it threatening what belongs to us.

I think that's the balance many couples are trying to find.

The crossdresser wants acceptance.

The wife wants reassurance.

The crossdresser wants to be able to express themselves.

The wife wants to know that the relationship hasn't changed.

Those things aren't necessarily incompatible.

Perhaps the answer isn't convincing your partner to love crossdressing.

Perhaps it's helping them understand the person who is doing it, the reasons for doing it, and what you get from it especially if its linked to your mental health.

Because once you get past the clothes, the makeup, the heels and the initial "ick" factor, you might discover something much less frightening.

A husband who is still the same husband.

A partner who is still in love.

A man who has simply found another way to relax, express himself and occasionally escape the pressure of being the man for a little while.

And maybe, eventually, a wife who can look at that side of him and think:

"I don't need to be part of it.

I don't need to completely understand it.

But I know it's him.

And he's still the man I married."

For me, that's the goal.

Not necessarily complete acceptance.

Not necessarily participation - We've been there and done that.

Just understanding, honesty, respect and a little bit of room for Davina to exist alongside and keep tlaking.

I wish I had the magic formula for getting out of our head what we feel is so simple to wives and partners to help them understand this isn't a threat.

Davina