When you need to be Him.. The Alpha male unleashed.. The Vader persona.. And you leave Davina behind..

Tomorrow, I’ll check into a hotel room alone for the first time in months—and I won’t be packing Davina.

I'm not actually alone there are 4 of us.. 3 work colleagues and I know one is in the same hotel the other 2 who cares.. Anyway room to myself big double bed.. NO Davina..

Not even a little perfume or a pair of tights or a silky short black lace nightgown as if I can't be her fully I don't dress.

Nothing.

Because this trip isn’t about escape, softness, or femme sanctuary.

It’s about work—and not just any kind of work, but standing in a room, front and centre, presenting with purpose, presence, and a hint of menace.. Anger.. The Dark Side of the Force.. Sith..

It’s a day where I need him.

My inner Alpha.

Darth Vader. The Godfather. Rambo. The terminator. A very Dark more Christian Bale Batman..

I need to walk into that meeting like someone who means business—because frankly, I do. I've had a guts full of their failures.. Admiral Ozzil you've let me down for the last time coming out of hyperspace too soon..

One arm of the business is falling short, and that shortfall is pouring directly into my lap as extra stress, extra hours, and extra worry.

I’ve been patient.

I’ve been professional.

But now, the gloves are off.

It’s time to make “an offer they can’t refuse”—in the nicest possible way, of course.

And while there’s a part of me that mourns the lost opportunity—the silence of a hotel room that won’t echo with the click of heels or the zip of a makeup bag—I’ve made my peace with it.

Because Davina doesn’t need to be everywhere and sometimes, oddly enough, it’s the very contrast that makes her feel more appreciated and needed.

There’s a power in being able to choose how I show up in the world.

That’s a gift many never realise they even have.

And when I need him (male me who sometimes has to become the Hulk or the Punisher) when the stubble stays and my jaw tightens with a scowl with you don't want to mess with me purpose—I can lean into it, just for a little while.

It’s not a denial of Davina in this trip.

It’s a different gear in the same machine.

Still, I won’t pretend it isn’t a shame.

A hotel room is, let’s face it, a sacred space for many crossdressers.

The privacy.

The mirror.

The chance to become.

To unwind.

To see the girl inside looking back.

And it stings knowing that school holidays begin Friday, meaning no real chance to work from home as Davina until September.

But needs must.

There will be other hotel rooms.

I just have to keep my eyes open for them.

And meanwhile, when I need to, I can slip into HIM like I would a perfectly tailored batman outfit—shoulders square, voice a low growl, no-nonsense stare.

He gets the job done.

Even alpha males have heels in their closet.

Davina