You found out he's a crossdresser and you have questions and immediate fears?

There are a very common set of fears for a wife or partner when her husband first discloses that he crossdresses.

Most of these fears come from uncertainty rather than the crossdressing itself.

While every person is different, here are some of the most common concerns along with what I hope as a long time crossdresser some reassuring response that can help start an honest conversation.

Is he gay?

Crossdressing and sexual orientation are separate. Most heterosexual crossdressers are attracted to women.

Is he bisexual?

Clothing doesn't determine who someone is attracted to. Attraction and clothing are different aspects of identity.

Both the is he gay or bisexual question are valid but not linked to why most of us Crossdress. My wife asked if I was gay when I came out to her that felt like a body blow as no why would she ask that my dressing isn't about sex or sexuality.. I bet your Crossdressing partners not even considered that Crossdressing affects their sexuality.. we love women and femininity and we suppress this as men as we were brought up like you men should do this women should do that.. sexuality doesn't factor.

Is he transgender?

Some crossdressers are transgender, but most are not. For many men, it's simply a form of expression rather than a desire to change gender.

We are on a trans spectrum from the left the guy who's trying on lingerie.. the middle maybe a guy presenting as a woman a few hours, makeup wig fully clothed all the way to the right of the spectrum a teams woman.. 99% I'd think settle somewhere near the mid point or settle on a point on the spectrum and no longer advance.

For me and escape from the man I've built the alpha people expect me to be. It's exhausting stomach in chest out shoulders back the man, leader, father, husband, role model.. like anyone we need an escape and from a young age for a lot of us that escape is femininity the aspect of us we hide and lock away in our male lives.

Does he want to become a woman?

For most the answer is no. They enjoy expressing a feminine side without wanting to live as a woman full-time.

Is he a drag queen?

Drag is usually a performance or entertainment. Crossdressing is often private and personal, with very different motivations.

Personally I think drag harms Crossdressers and demeans women were not doing that.. our Crossdressing isn't a garish performance it's personal.. sorry drag queens you're on a different part of the trans spectrum to me.

Am I not woman enough?

His crossdressing isn't a reflection on your femininity or attractiveness. It existed before you and isn't caused by anything you have or haven't done.

We know partners have image and body issues .. what most don't realise is so do men.. we can hate our bodies.. I used to be so fit now struggle to lose weight and keep in shape as a man and as a crossdresser. We don't dress because of our partners.

Am I not sexy enough?

His attraction to you can remain exactly the same. Crossdressing isn't a replacement for intimacy with you.

However when young id sub myself in wearing stockings heels sexy lingerie as i didn't have a girlfriend wearing those things .. later in life inexplicable to us partners sometimes stop wearing the sexy lingerie and heels so can't say we don't sub ourselves in as I do wear stockings sexy lingerie and heels partly because my wife doesn't or sometimes won't.. I don't see anything wrong with that again not my wife's fault she's not comfortable in sexy lingerie etc but it's a big deal for me and something I've always worn. If that makes sense.

Is he a pervert?

Crossdressing by itself isn't a sign of inappropriate or harmful behaviour. For most people it's simply a harmless form of self-expression.

Has he been lying to me?

Many crossdressers hide it out of fear, shame or rejection—not because they wanted to deceive their partner.

This is a big one as some wives feel betrayed .. we're not trying to betray were scared anyone will find out how they'll react.

Will this get worse?

Crossdressing often ebbs and flows over time. Honest communication usually reduces secrecy and anxiety.

We all usually settle at a point on the trans spectrum.

Will he leave me?

Crossdressing doesn't mean someone wants a different relationship. Many simply want acceptance while remaining committed partners.

What does this mean for our marriage?

It doesn't define the relationship. Many couples build an even stronger relationship through honesty and understanding.

My experience chatting with others is the stronger lasting relationships have found understanding and acceptance with Crossdressing.

What will people think?

That's a valid concern, but couples can decide together who, if anyone, needs to know. Privacy is completely acceptable.

No one can ever know.

Disclosure is a joint decision. Many couples choose to keep it private, while others tell only a trusted few.

He's so masculine—it just isn't him.

Masculinity and femininity aren't opposites. A man can be confident, practical and masculine while also enjoying feminine clothing in private.

Will he want to dress all the time?

Usually not. Many crossdressers have careers, hobbies and family lives where they don't dress at all.

It's an escape and for me good for my mental health so I with age and stress and responsibility finding I need the escape fully presenting fem for a while a few times per month.

Is our sex life over?

Not necessarily. Many couples continue to have fulfilling intimate relationships after talking openly about boundaries and expectations.

Some even try sex crossdressed.. but I've always left that to my wife to decide not pushed Davina onto her.

Will the children find out?

That's something couples can discuss together. Many families manage this thoughtfully and appropriately based on the children's ages.

Be careful where clothing wigs etc are stored as kids will seek Christmas presents

Is this because of childhood trauma?

Not usually. There isn't one single cause, and many crossdressers had completely ordinary childhoods.

I had a perfect upbringing loving parents sport education grandparents family.. no trauma.

Can he just stop?

For many people it's a deep-seated part of who they are. Suppressing it often causes stress, guilt and secrecy rather than making it disappear.

The answer is no.. we can't stop it's a part of us and may bring elements to our overall being you don't realise.

Will he start wearing my clothes?

Some couples are comfortable sharing clothes, others aren't. Respecting boundaries is important, and many crossdressers prefer having their own wardrobe.

Will he become obsessed?

Like many hobbies or interests, balance is important. Open communication usually helps prevent secrecy or unhealthy behaviour.

We can get pink moat with an accepting partner. You hold the reigns on this.

Is this my fault?

Absolutely not. This isn't caused by anything a partner did or didn't do.

Most of us started when we were young before we met our partners.

Can I still trust him?

100% yes I'm still me I'm loyal trustworthy hard working love my wife and family it's just Crossdressing nothing more

Trust can be rebuilt through honesty, openness and keeping promises going forward.

The biggest myth of all

"Crossdressing changes who he is."

The reality is that it doesn't. The qualities that made you fall in love with him, his kindness, humour, loyalty, work ethic, and love for his family are still there.

Crossdressing is one part of a person, not the whole person.

The biggest challenge for most couples isn't the clothing itself ... it's replacing fear and assumptions with honest conversations, patience and mutual understanding..

I hope my blog and forum help Crossdressers and partners just like it helps me writing about all this.

Davina