DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife found women’s clothes in my wardrobe and thought I was having an affair.
Now she knows they are mine, she says she feels differently towards me and that she wants to sleep with other guys.
We have been married for eight years. I am 43, my wife is 38. We have two boys aged six and four.
Life was OK but during the past couple of years, we have started to argue and fight over nothing in particular. She says I irritate her.
I have always fantasised about wearing women’s clothes and even wore girls’ panties occasionally in my teens, but I repressed it and thought I had outgrown it when I met my wife.
I’ve had a lot of work pressure this year and my wife wasn’t being sympathetic. I found that wearing women’s clothes when I had the house to myself was very soothing.
Then I got a text from her when I was at work saying she’d decided to have a clearout at home and found the clothes. She asked what the hell I’d been up to.
She moved back to her mum’s for a few days with our sons, but eventually believed me when I said I wasn’t cheating, just enjoyed cross-dressing occasionally.
She came back but nothing was the same. Two of her friends started coming round a lot. She said she’s told them about me and about our sex life, which hasn’t been great lately.
One morning I woke up and she had painted my toe nails. I laughed it off but a couple of days later she bought some hold-up stockings and told me to wear them.
One day we were out shopping and she was buying underwear and asked which panties and bras I liked, saying her friend was having an underwear party
I presumed they were for her but when we go home she said there was no party and the undies were for me as it’s what I am into.
We have grown further apart and now she says she wants to go out with her friends, meet other guys and do her own thing.
I know her friends are behind her attitude, as she listens to them more than me. I don’t know what to do any more.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your wife may feel your cross-dressing is a rejection of her and she is clearly angry.
I know you didn’t mean to deceive her at first but this must have come as a bolt from the blue for her.
Tell her you love her and that your sons need you to work together to resolve this crisis in your marriage.
Arrange to have some couple’s counselling with Relate (relate.org.uk, 0300 100 1234).
My e-leaflet on Cross-dressing Worries will help your wife understand your needs and also explains specialist support.
We rely on our friends for a shoulder to cry on and to talk and boy do we talk you'd be surprised the things a group of women friends will disclose but sometimes they've had a bad experience or a view without experiance so talk to your husband not others.
That's my advice anyway.
Or better still talk to wives of cross dressers and see how they make this strange hobby work.
Hannah (wife)
Friends influence on a wife will cock up acceptance. I remember Esme's friend confiding in her about her bf cross dressing which obviously made Esme think again about me cross dressing.. That same friend would probably love the fact I dress and want top meet Davina as its the its OK your hubby dressing but not mine thing. I've never spoken to him about him dressing as would out me dressing its not the done thing lol Mine and Esme's secret and you lot.. But you lot don't know man me. Davina
Hah makes me laugh every time reading how you discovered Emma.
I don't like this agony aunt either she doesn't seem to understand or have empathy for cross dressers.
The wife in this case is being influenced by friends it would seem and the tgirl too scared to stand up and talk about why he's a cross dresser and the importance of their relationship.
Hannah (wife)
You wouldn't catch me watching Phil and Holly on daytime tv with a brew!
More like going off to a show bar and watch the Drag Queens doing "I will survive"! And a pint in my hand! 🤣🤣
Much more fun😁
The wife's handled this all wrong too in my opinion and there's something wrong there between them he should show her he's a man and make sure she doesn't go off with another man and tell her friends to butt out.
Emma (wife)
Oh its that horrid red top luckily its banner round our way but she is terrible as an agony aunt.
Not a good way to find out someone dresses funding women's clothing worse maybe finding your husband in a frock cup of tea in hand legs up tights heels makeup and wig on watching Holly and Phil on the telly.
Still we talked, I came here we found acceptance which maybe this woman posing as an agony aunt needs to understand. It can work. It is not as weird as people perceive. It can be a bit of fun and it helps you guys chill out
Emma (wife)
A few things to take from this
- Work stress and crossdressing something a lot of us do to escape the man and become "the woman" it sounds stupid to a woman but believe me it works. Dressing as a woman is somehow a stress killer go figure. and further more it's harmless especially in the privacy of your own home,
- Shes given awful advice again she doesnt help the person asking the question shes pounced and blamed him "again"
Getting caught crossdressed or a wife or gf finding clothing is probably the worst way of finding out which is why and i know its hard but i always advice the crossdresser to confess to the wife or gf in a controlled and planned way with answers at the ready and knowing the probable top 3 questions are you gay = no, do you want to be a woman = no is it because of me = no..
Why cant this agony aunt do some research she'd learn a lot from our forum here.
My advice to the t girl here is sit your wife down and have a big open discussion about your relationship, sex life, arguing, stress at work and why you crossdress... relate may be ok but not if you go there and the councilor is Derdry