• 
  

• QMY husband likes to cross-dress. We have been married for 15 years, have two children, and a comfortable home. My husband and I have a very good relationship, and I always knew about his desire to dress in women's clothes.

Sometimes, he wears lingerie. And he has often asked me to allow him to dress up as a woman when we are alone, but I have always resisted this as I'm afraid it will damage our marriage. He has never insisted on doing this, just merely asked me if he could.

For the past year, however, his work has taken him away a lot. Occasionally, he stays away an extra night, and I know this is in order to dress up fully - to do what I won't allow him to do with me.

He is a terrific husband and father - we are soulmates, and we have a very good sex life. But his desire to dress up causes me to worry, and the fact that his need to dress up is intensifying worries me even more. I do not know how I would cope with seeing him fully dressed as a woman. I also fear that he may end up leading a double life.

Agony Aunt answer

AMODERN society chooses to see cross-dressing as a simple choice, a whim even, or just a form of fun.

That's decidedly missing the point.

Davina Hang on it is a bit of fun for some of us its enjoyable.

Many cross-dressers are driven by addiction.

Davina agree its addictive but we aren't free to act on it when we want.

A man dressing up in women's clothes is seeking, and getting, emotional comfort - very often, most profound emotional comfort.

Davina this is true and hard to explain to a partner and damn hard for a partner / spouse to get her head around.

The psychological steps leading to this are complex, and perhaps we'll get to talk about them some time, but the basic principle is simple. Wearing women's clothes fulfils a deep need.

Davina not sure what that need is but I sometimes need the escapism need to become Davina.

And the individual feels a powerful pull to cross-dress and meet that need. He feels compelled. He's not acting on a whim.

It seems terribly necessary to him.

Of course, different men will talk of different sensations - like feeling relaxed, or de-stressing, or being complete.

Davina complete no not really tho it feels a temporary high, relaxing definitely and destressing totally.

But these are just words.

Davina They aren't just words for many of us thats reality.

Behind cross-dressing, very often, lies serious psychological distress.

Davina if this means stress and bottling up emotions I agree as Crossdressing is good for my mental wellbeing.

I don't know if your husband falls into this category, although my guess is that he does. Otherwise, why would he pursue something which makes you unhappy?

Davina this is wrong to say.. Crossdreasing is a deeply personal thing and can become something we enjoy doing and our escapism from reality, we like how we feel, how clothes feel and even how we look.. The reality is its nothing to do with our partners / spouses and we don't do this to hurt them but we want to be honest with them about being cross dressers and want to assure and explain as well as we can why we do this and why it becomes a need.

He loves you, why would he jeopardise your relationship?

Davina why should a man presenting as a woman from time to time in the grand scheme of life jeapordise a relationship.. Far more important and worse things to consider in life.

Yes, I know he may not see things in quite these terms. Society tells him he's fine.

Davina Society does no such thing!!

You've ring-fenced your marriage by putting down clear boundary lines about his dressing-up, which he respects.

Davina but we still want to assure and talk about cross dressing and we will push at those boundaries seeking acceptance.

And he thinks he's found the solution - namely, to pursue his addiction elsewhere. His new job, he feels, has given him an 'out'. Except, of course, that it hasn't. Not really. Otherwise you wouldn't be worried enough to seek help.

Davina its a solution if the wife wants no part of it. If I'm away with work and conditions are right I'll pack Davina and cross dress in the hotel room and chill and chat to others.

The reality is that your husband is walking a dangerous tightrope in terms of your relationship, a tightrope that is so obvious precisely because you love him, because you are so close as a couple, because of your emotional intimacy.

Davina Arghhgh what's dangerous about cross dressing other than your wife thinking you're a pervert or weak or being dissapounted in you or thinking its weird.. What's better stress and bottling up emotion or having this weird outlet to let off steam dressed as a woman.

What you're really asking me, of course, is whether or not you can rein your husband in, or whether it would be wise to try and do so.

Davina whats the problem? Hea away from home with work and in his hotel room hes dressed as a woman.. It has zero effect on his wife in reality as he's miles away and when home he's back in his traditional husband and father role.

What you're thinking is that if you allowed him to dress up as a woman while with you, then, perhaps, he wouldn't stay away extra nights and lead this de facto double life.

Davina allowing him to dress with her is up to her and a big step seeing your husband dressed as a woman. I wish Esme would add her thoughts on our forum as I think meeting me as Davina was a eureka moment and she's said I'm nicer as Davina.

Davina We've had some good girls nights in .. I hope shes enjoyed them when we've had them but I wasn't pushy about them it was up to her to agree to a night in and our night out.. 2019 away I packed Davina but she asked me not to dress and go out which was fair enough.

Thre are several answers required on that. To begin with, you should not do anything that makes you deeply uncomfortable.

Davina agreed

That would, indeed, signal the end of your happiness.

Davina what forever? Get some context.

Doing something that is deeply offensive to us does not help a relationship, no matter how well intentioned, because it damages emotional intimacy.

Davina offensive? What's he going to do that's offensive?

Apart from that, there is no reason to presume your husband would be satisfied with just dressing up at home.

Davina big assumption.. What if all he does want is to be able to dress at home. True it can be a bit boring just as home but the agony aunt makes a big assumption here.

Addiction, by its very nature, tends to seep out no matter what controls are in place. If he wants to dress as a woman, he may well want to appear as a woman, and the privacy of your bedroom may not be enough, particularly if he's already got a taste for public appearances while away.

Davina another assumption that head been out in public. I've told Esme I've left my hotel room and ventured out to the car for a charging lead or a short walk just for the thrill of being outside but its a big assumption here.

Addictive cross-dressing is, in one sense, just like addictive drinking. You can't contain it by having drinks together.

Davina but its not drinking and crossdressing together can be fun.

Of course, many wives tried, thinking that if they went boozing with their husbands it would somehow limit their drinking. It doesn't.

Davina assumptions again..

I'm not sure that your husband's need to cross-dress is intensifying. It may simply be that he now has opportunities he didn't have in the past.

Because, of course, I am not suggesting that he - or any other compulsive cross-dresser - simply gives in to the desire, whenever it occurs.

Davina we don't have opportunity to dress as and when we want or need and sometimes have opportunity we don't take but its benefits are immense for de-streasing.

On the contrary, he probably battles with it quite a lot.

Davina we can not think of it for weeks but sometimes like myself today we crave and need some quality time dressed and can't do it which is frustrating.

In other words, addiction can be combated by restricting opportunities, as well as by the individual's conscience.

Your husband respects your wishes. He doesn't dress up where his kids might see him either. So he is not a slave to his addiction.

Davina but its frustrating when you need to dress and cant.

Being away from home just makes it easy, and apparently safe.

Davina in a hotel room behind a closed door miles away from home the worst that can happen is a fire alarm or leave the room and find the room key won't let you back in. Private chilled dressing time.

Your husband's behaviour is ultimately down to him. All you can do is be clear about where you stand.

Davina which means talking and talking and understanding his need to dress and the positive effects on him.

It won't help for you to do something you fundamentally dislike.

Even more importantly, you have to be clear about the limits of your influence.

Davina agree set the limits acceptable to you.

You can't contain your husband's behaviour, let alone heal it, by allowing him the freedom to bring it into your bedroom, or sitting room, or kitchen.

Davina heal it? Its not an illness!!

All you can do is let your husband know the risk he's taking.

Davina what risk??

Let him know how distressed you are,

Davina if hes dressing in private away from home why stress about it.. Hes the husband and father when home.

how worried you are, and how damaging this could become to your marriage.

Davina i think the happier relationship is the one who embracea this side and sees the positive effects.

After that, you have to trust in the fact that it's down to him. Your husband, if he wishes, can tackle his need to cross-dress.

Davina we can tackle and surpress it yea but it will add to the angst frustration and stress he's feeling and make him worse make him ill we can't help this fetish, hobby, thing we do or can we explain the powers of escapism and how they make us feel, how it helps us destress doing something so simple and harmless.

There are plenty of therapists out there who know the score.

Davina and plenty who get this all wrong. I'd happily discuss with a therapist nice to tell someone all about my dressing as a woman and why..

It's his decision. It's difficult, but he has a choice, not a simple one, but a choice

Davina this agony aunt doesn't get it .. Gets some but not all of it.