Our time together dressed is limited mainly to a friday or saturday night once or twice per month dont really sit for a cuppa mainly wine lol and a chick flick or trying different looks.

Just checking up on you now as i surprise him laying some things out on the bed as an opportunity tonight just us two and I know he is stressed this week in work so a chance to unwind if he wants to.

I definately label it as a bit of fun and it helps him unwind and escape his macho normal self.

Emma (wife)

My partner pointed out to me once that, given that after several decades of crossdressing I still don't really understand 'it' myself, it was a bit much to ask her to understand and accept it in a short period of time. Which was a very fair point (in fairness to her, she's accepted it as a harmless part of me but doesn't really want to have anything to do with it, which is OK).

One of the things that I've done my best to explain to her is that there have been many times over the years when I've felt that, if I could, I would stop crossdressing (and stop feeling the urge to do it, which is just as important - because without that, I'd just be into classic 'purge' territory). I've felt every combination of guilt, fear, shame, confusion and embarrassment. I take my hat off to crossdressers who genuinely view it as just 'fun'. I have, I hope, made a bit of progress towards relaxing into it over the past five years or so.

Life is too short and all that and, anyway, I can no more help my crossdressing urges than I can alter the fact of my birth gender or that I enjoy watching the Bourne trilogy. It's just part of who I am, and I've tried to accept that. The guilt and shame is something that many, if not most, crossdressers have to live with. What I've tried to do is to be honest with my partner and to listen to and respect her views. I told her within a few months of the start of our relationship, and that honesty was really important to me (even if it meant that the relationship was going to end).

I do have a suspicion that some crossdressers who insist that it's only a bit of fun might (and I emphasis the word 'might') be saying that in order to camouflage their feelings of guilt and embarrassment. It can be easier that way than to explore the whys and wherefores, which after all can involve a lot of uncomfortable introspection. That doesn't excuse a crossdresser behaving badly towards their partner, of course, but it may help to explain why some men explain it away the way they do. We're all different, but I guarantee that all but the most inwardly confident crossdressers will have had to cope with a great deal of confusion and angst along their way. Nobody would seriously choose that. Labelling it 'fun' is one way to deal with those feelings.

Up close and personal Sindy Its that case of you guys can crossdress and thats fine but i dont want my guy doing it.which we've discussed in the forum before.

Esme has said the same she'd be ok Someone else being a crossdresser but not me .. But weve worked on it and overcome a lot but as i said up there and emma echoed Esme and Emma stated even with their acceptance theyd rather we didnt crossdress.

going to sleep now its late lol

Youre not Debbie downer youre Sindy Jiggler Debbies a whole other porn star name 😂

You guys are the best! As always, lots of answers that really help. And honestly, I don't feel like I don't belong because you guys make me feel that way - I have always felt very welcome. I worry I'm this constant questioning, negative voice here while you're all trying to have fun and keep positive. I'm the 'Debbie Downer' as they say, and that makes me feel guilty and awful. You guys are too nice to have me here still digging for reassurance etc.

And as always, you're too insightful, Katie. Yes, it's 'one' crossdresser not all, that is the struggle. He's so similiar to the rest of you, and yet somehow up close and personal I find it such a mental struggle. I don't know why. I really don't. Being open minded and a bit crazy myself and yet still this thing beats me every time.

Juliette, I think Katie and Davina have both likened it to other crazy male hobbies like train spotting etc. I can see that from my own experience in my marriage, but I think what makes it so isolating is I can't secretly laugh with my friends about my silly crossdressing obsessed husband. That is not for polite conversation! And I actually have a couple of close friends who I have told, yet we never speak of it as I think they feel as awkward about it as the rest of us. How do you discuss the inexplicable? I guess coin collecting and sport and model trains make more sense or something.

I do suspect I will never feel any different about any of this now. I've reached my limit and can only vent here and have a little rant when it really builds up. Don't worry, I also chat with my husband too and it either calms the waters for a bit or I just quietly seethe lol. But I know now I need to find a way to accept that this is how it is for me, I will always be the wife who doesn't like it, but can I move forward with that knowledge and stop feeling like my husband has failed me somehow. Or that I've failed myself.

Hey, it's still a new year so anything is possible? Thanks for chatting with me about it all. Really helps to not feel so alone. xx

Hi Sindy chin up you're a mainstay here we need you and i think sometimes you need us as a sound board as you've stated.

I will be the first wife to hold my hand up and say "Yes I would prefer my husband not to be a crossdresser" but he is and I've been through fears, rejection, hate even and came out the other side after lots of talking, reading, and took the plunge into meeting him crossdressed, revamped my own look as I hit that stage which bugs Davina where i stopped making so much of an effort on my appearance and glad I did it.

The fun aspect well it has been fun spending evenings with him working on his look , the laughs we've had about him being a crossdresser and the cringe he felt when i took him out in the car and to the shopping centre out of hours was all fun and yes Davina if we were all together for a drink and to meet one another I'd expect the t girls to be dressed and I know it would be fun and you would dance!

Sindy you need a group hug please stay

And OK i will tell him he can join the forum

Emma (Wife)

Juliettes right wives don't have to like or approve of a husbands crossdressing but I think shes right that a relationship is better for finding a way to make it work even if that way of making it work as Esme did through various stages assures if you crossdress that you don’t include your wife and leave no evidence or do it away from home and it has little effect on day to day life other than knowing he’s a crossdresser and may be doing it when you’re out but he may also be doing other things .. I’m now watching the new shock horror and later tonight when my wifes in bed I’ll be watching “question time” something my wife doesnt like is not interested in .. We have normalised crossdressing between myself and Esme.

There are things we like to do together and things we dont like to do together and working on it crossdressing is something we sometimes can do together although I know she’d prefer I didn’t crossdress like I’d prefer she didnt watch rubbish on the TV.

I think normalising it if this can be accomplished is good in a relationship.. Katie pointed out in her post how Hannah and how Emma cope and normalise crossdressing.

The concerns Sindy is expressing my wifes expressed over the years and they probably don’t go away only the other night she expressed some fears which still linger.

Crossdressing is more like a hobby than a fetish or a kink and Juliette is spot on in that its a hobby that can intrude into your marriage sometimes and partners learn to put up with over time.

Communication as I always say is vital and letting communication fail or dissapear makes it awkward and reassurance can be lost.

Katie as usual hits some nails on the head as I’ve also said we don't think that wives here generally think of their husbands as being a 'her' even when dressed and yes the term 'girls night in' is an easier way of expressing a situation than say 'having a night in with my husband whilst he's dressed as a woman'.

Describing crossdressers as her when posting is just sometimes easier to do to avoid confusion.

“Women can wear masculine clothes, imitate masculine traits without a problem. If a man wants to wear feminine clothes or take on feminine traits it seems to cause problems.”

The question is why is this? And is it fair?

Katie is exactly right in the situation I painted if me and Esme do go out we’d have to pretend to pass scrutiny that we’re not husband and wife with husband dressedas a woman which would currently be socially unacceptable..

Katie and myself are also the same as is Juliette I suspect in dressing when wife and kids are not home thereafter showing no signs that we’re crossdressers the rest of the time. Katie more so as her wife isn't active at all with her crossdressing.

I hate hate hate dancing (even when very drunk)

Talking about LGBT rights at school I’ve noticed a lot of mainstream news about trans rights over the last few weeks .. I wouldnt say us crossdressers are counted in that however.

Katie having kids and them sending them off to boarding school and only seeing them at half term to me is sad very sad .. we watched first dates hotel on TV and one woman on there had a funny outlook on relationships and had been to bording school from the age of 6 or 7 only seeing her parents 4-5 times per year which we thought was dreadful.

I think as Juliette said her wifes the same as like Esme she married a man and wants to be married to a man and we are very much men.

Maybe this softer hidden aspect of us is a positive not a negative.

Juliette can recognise as part of himself / herself that is balanced between masculine and feminine and that comes out as Juliette and I would expect the COIGATI test to show Juliette like myself as Androdgenous although I’m less of the mind that there’s a balance within me (Other than the force being a Jedi) I’m all man and when dressed still a man I don’t think of myself as Davina at all and would have to work on acting different if I had to act as “Davina” bearing in mind Esme does say I’m different as “Davina”

There is no sign of femininity in male me at all.

I also feel strongly about any suggestion that crossdressing makes me any less of a man compared to a man who doesn’t crossdress and like Juliette would easily compete with any of the traditional masculine traits and activities and also know I’m a good husband and father, sportsman and Engineer.

We're all different but think some of us here are very similar and maybe a slight minority on the trans spectrum in our outlook and understanding and the thought we've put into why we crossdressand how we've tried to explain this to our wives and reassure our wives.

I've said this many times but it would be nice to hear from Sindys husband, and also Emma, Rebecca and Hannahs husbands on here so we can get the full picture

You don’t part ways with the other wives here Sindy as none of them chose to be wives or girlfriends of Crossdressers and all would say they’d prefer their husbands and bfs didn’t crossdress but most have worked out some arrangement or form of acceptance some for their husbands sake, some for their marriage sake and some for other reasons and some seem to have benefited in their relationships and outlook.

You are highly valued in that you’re a wife who doesn’t like crossdressing brave enough to discuss it here.

Most wives who disapprove of crossdressing wouldn’t bother and I know it must be difficult to see Esme, Emma, Hannah and Rebecca all accepting crossdressing and joining in with it and you must think they’re mad but they’ve all been through various levels of rejecting crossdressing then levels of acceptance and all remain with differing levels of acceptance, some going out, some very much indoors.

I don’t think myself nor my wife ever think of me crossdressed as 'her' it’s just an easy way to vocalise this other side or character “Davina” and the same chatting in here I may call Katie her or she even though she’s very much a he like me.. (quick poem there)

I think it harsh that some women would fill in the D papers over crossdressing as what harm is it doing? Especially if its away from the home where he could be playing golf for 4-6 hours away from the home.

Most relationships which end in the D word have other factors involved.

You didn’t marry a 'her'! And Esme has said the same and the answer to this is “I’m not a her I’m just dressed different and may look like a woman but I’m not a her and never will be” as opposed to some on the right of the Trans spectrum who want to be recognised as a her / she.

It;s just easier sometimes to use those pronouns.

I don’t think we want our wives to treat us as a different gender its more humouring us as it’s not like my wife calls me “Davina” on our nights in .. “Davina do you want another beer” is not something she’s ever said but in discussing crossdressing she may mention Davina for a word / name of reference or as she sometimes calls me “My Bitch” lol (Hannah would like that)

There’s no disrespect involved or intended in our crossdressing.

You could be single again and meet a guy who doesn't want to be called Barbie but he may have other vices which you’d disapprove of which may be hidden from you... The saying the grass isn’t always greener on the other side is a true one.

He’s / we’re still husbands the amount of time we spend as husbands, fathers etc far outweighs the time we spend crossdressed.

Some of the wives are having fun with crossdressing reading what they’ve typed including Esme who said she enjoyed our girls night in. It was fun different from our usual nights in alone.

I explained or tried to explain the fun aspect for us in a previous post I can’t think of a better word for what we do and enjoy doing other than fun and ok it may not be your idea of fun but I bet if we all got together and met and some of us were crossdressed we’d have a good chat and a laugh and it would be fun..

Hanging around the house or walking down the street with your wig wearing, skirt wearing husband, calling him Barbie and pretending you're sisters? weird, yes it is weird and we can’t explain why we do it and we think it’s weird too but given up on wondering why we do it .. all we can do is try to explain that it’s harmless and its very occasional and it can help us escape for a bit and at the end of the day we’re the same people the only real difference for a few hours a year we look different and some act different.

Davina

Sindy,

Thanks for the reply, I'm a firm believer that wives don't have to like or approve of a husbands crossdressing, but every relationship is better for finding a way to make it work.

I think you are reflecting the same concerns and issues that my own wife has expressed and these don't really go away in my experience. However, I have maintained this life for 3 years without asking more from my wife in terms of concessions and we've reached what feels like a compromise that works for us.

I treat this like a hobby, although the kind of obsessive hobby that people judge you for, like converting your attic and garage into a giant train set. You know, one of those hobbies that intrudes into your marriage and partners learn to put up with over time.

All I'm hoping for is for crossdressing to be seen in the same way as trainspotting, fossil collecting, fishing etc.. Just another one of those expensive hobbies men have that partners find a way to accommodate because they see you and love you for who you really are.

Keep coming in Sindy you're an essential cog in this wheel keeping it real and I know you've tried with your husband to accept crossdressing and don't like it which is fine. Maybe if he'd found this blog and Forum he would have approached things differently and maybe your outlook would be different we'll never know.. Id maybe approach things differently with Esme.

I bet all the wives Esme included are accepting us crossdressing as something us husbdnads and bf's do which they'd rather we didnt but playing along with the acceptance to keep us happy.

Esme will say she married a man and didn't look for the man who dresses as a woman either but accepts my reasons for dressing and may not be 100% happy with it but accepts it as pretty harmless.

Fun.. how can I explain the fun.. I suppose I'm a man well yes I'm a man and look like a man and the fun for me is transforming trying to look female.. no idea why but know i'd not find it as much fun dressing as a stormtrooper as they're the bad guys no seriously it's an attraction thing maybe part kink part fetish as you've added before.. and inexplicable thing which has no explanation other than some men and its not a typical type of man the spectrum is vast like to dress as women do varying degrees.

You say it can be overcomplicated but for me it's very simple I'm a Dad and a Husband but long before that I enjoyed trying on womens clothing from a young age which stuck with me dissapeared and came back and is now something i merely enjoy.

I love sport and enjoy it and intend to get fit again lose some weight, i enjoy my job, it stresses me out sometimes, I love my wife and kids and our circle of friends and wider family but i crossdress ie Once per month or once every other month behind closed doors and curtains I'll put on makeup a wig a dress etc and spend a few hours escaping male men temporarily.. not all male me just the alpha male front. and maybe that's where we differ as we put up an expected front which complicates things like in work they think im fair but hard and can be brash and combative but it drives hell into me i have to be that way and i feel like 2017 was a year lost to me which made me ill which i hid because of stress .. crossdressing helped mme unwind from this temporarily so why would I stop doing something which can somehow be theraputic.

Your husband may be the same may be different but if it's not in your face or a day to day thing is it that bad a problem that he dresses as a woman.. It has no bearing on you as a woman like it has no bearing on Esme why I dress I don't crossdress because Esme does or doesn't do this or that there is that compensation factor for some and for me at times wearing things you wish your wife would wear and that change you women make which I keep coming back to that unwritten unspoken agreement that women get to a point in life and think I'm content.. throw the heels in the bin lets wear comfy things which knocks us men for six and that is the polar opposite of crossdressing for us something we cant talk about through fear of a sulking wife and that "you should love me as I am" ... exactly that works both ways.

Dont be discouraged posting here Sindy you're a founder member here much loved and respected I'm sure there are other wives who like you could come here and add their thoughts but are not as open to supporting and debating as you.. Esme was like it at one point wanted nothing at all to do with my crossdressing or the blog or chatting to anyone else and bet Emma, Rebecca and Hannah all would prefer their husbands didnt crossdress and are accepting for their husbands sake and their husbands like myself respect this and grateful for it.

Not the reply i was intending just something I've typed not reading the other replies yet in between working hoping it makes some sense

Hi Sindy

I think in life we all have to be 'settle and be accommodating'. If we didn't then we'd be for ever striving for the impossible dream which is bound to end in disappointment. Isn't 'settling and being accommodating' part of being in a long-term relationship? I know if I didn't 'settle and accommodate' I wouldn't have a marriage.

Women have taken over clothing that was gender specific to men over recent years. I don't think my Mum wore jeans until the 80's and my wife had to wear a skirt or dress to work in the 90's. Now there are no rules for women and therefore no crossdressing.

I don't think we over complicate crossdressing to validate it. The complication arises in trying to explain it to somebody who doesn't understand. Crossdressing is certainly not life ending - I've made it this far and intend to carry on.

Life would be easier if I didn't want to crossdress but those are the cards I've been dealt. I can either fight it and be miserable or accept it as part of me and move on.

I also don't accept that for every gain there must be a corresponding loss. If you both hold the same investment then you'll both gain. It sounds to me that a few of the wives here have made positive gains as a result of finding out their husbands crossdressed.

I know you struggle with this whole concept and that we've acted as a sounding board for your frustrations. That's why we're here. To try and help. So you do belong because you have these questions you need answering which I think we've done truthfully over the last year or so. I can see that maybe your focus is not so much on crossdressing as a whole but one particular crossdresser! With that we can't help. That's up to you if you want to 'settle and accommodate' or move on. It's up to both of you to work it out.

There are various different relationships here among the husbands and wives and I don't think two are the same. We each try and muddle through the best we can and hope it all works out.

Katie

argh that post was before Katie and Davina but stupid wixsite shut me down! Anyway, it was in response to Juliette and just general chatter and thoughts. Just saying it like it as at the moment. And I'm okay really, so is my family etc, but there is that dynamic where I have to think...what now....

Don't worry, Juliette, I have always seen the masculinity in you all, which I'm sure annoys the hell out of many lol. But seriously, only men do this and I think that is not a coincidence, so I don't see a 'less than' issue here. But I DO see, and have experienced, a 'less than' husband and I see that as an entirely separate issue. A crappy crossdressing husband I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy!

Otherwise, thanks for the response. It's fine, really, and I'm used to being the one here who doesn't love having a husband who pretends he's female etc. It's a little surreal some days as I know for a fact that 'husband who looks female part time' is almost never on the partner list of most women, and yet here I find the wives are so accepting. The devil in me thinks 'they're just settling and accommodating men and their weirdness' as we have done for centuries. The other side assumes I'm just flawed that I can't get on board.

And the third side would just like an easier life with a man who doesn't bring this into the relationship. I'll admit, I haven't ruled that one out.

So that's largely why I'm not sure I belong here anymore as my thoughts are possibly shifting elsewhere, and have for a while, and also because I'm sort of tired of the excuses and can largely see this for what it is - men who have a thing for looking like women and make it over complicated in order to validate it. And I've been living with this for years, and to this day my husband will say it's 'fun' and in the same breath he won't be able to live without it. Because yeah, life-ending compulsions are 'fun'.

You're a sort of messed up lot, aren't you. But I am also so fond of you all and have great respect. But it's also exhausting and if it were me who were the crossdresser, I'd want it gone. But then I don't see the fun so maybe that's why I feel that way. I hope, Juliette, that you and your wife keep moving forward and work things out. But at all times remember that for every gain you make, she loses something, and that is the base dynamic of a straight woman living with a crossdresser. I realise now, that I am possibly not cut out for it.

I understand where Sindy is coming from and will post something later when not working .. working from home again lol home office get more done here than in work .. not dressed as a woman today tho.. not dressed since my casual look scared Esme..

Hi Sindy

I don't think that wives here generally don't think of their husbands as being a 'her' even when dressed. I think that the term 'girls night in' is an easier way of expressing a situation than say 'having a night in with my husband whilst he's dressed in feminine clothes'. We know what everyone means.

I do struggle to describe crossdressers as her when I post but slip into it to avoid confusion. I think we're all the same in that respect. I'm not a her and never will be, 'Katie' is a name I use for anonymity on forums. If I'm dressed I'm still me with all the baggage that comes with it. When my wife puts on a pair of jeans, a t shirt, trainers and no makeup I don't suddenly refer to her as him. Women can wear masculine clothes, imitate masculine traits without a problem. If a man wants to wear feminine clothes or take on feminine traits it seems to cause problems.

I don't think we would go out with the intention of being your 'girl friend' or 'sister'. If we're looking to pass then it's just a cover to save embarrassment, as Davina said to Esme "I wouldn't expect you to hold my hand and kiss me in public as your not a lesbian. Just think of it as being out with your girl friends or sister". We're not looking to replace a 'girl friend' or 'sister'. If we went to a trans event then the likelihood is we'd be introduced as your husband! It really depends on what our wives would feel comfortable with. If they're not comfortable at all then we'll keep it separate.

I have time when I dress when my wife and kids are not here. I do not show any visible signs that I am a crossdresser the rest of the time which is probably true of 99% of crossdressers. We have separate live which we invite our wives to join. IF they don't then fine, if they do then we can make of it what we will.

Your idea of fun is different to other peoples. The thought of going out dancing as 'Katie' would fill me with dread. I don't like dancing (unless very drunk) when my Dad dancing comes to the fore! My wife loves dancing as it seems you do! Hannah's idea of fun is probably different again but it no less fun for her even if is not fun for you. Emma thought it was great fun to take her husband out in the car dressed. They tease and joke with their husbands about crossdressing which seems to make it a healthy relationship. I don't think that there are any 'fun police' out there who dictate what fun is and what it isn't. It's as individual as we all are so we need to accept that. If we were all the same life would be boring.

I think that society is slowly chipping away at what constitutes being a man. Why would dressing in feminine clothes make you any less of a man unless you had rigid ideals that cannot be changed? We had a conversation last night at the dinner table about Hawaii Five O and the fact that the lady cop was wearing heels to chase the bad guy. I can't remember exactly what was said but one of my sons piped up that there is nothing wrong with men wearing heels. They've been doing LGBT rights at school. He's quite right there should be nothing wrong with men wanting to wear heels if they want to. Great attitude. Accept people for how they are without judging.

I think we all struggle to relate with how other people lead their lives. My wife and I often struggle to understand her brother and his wife's attitude towards their kids. I can never understand having kids and them sending them off to boarding school and only seeing them at half term! Plenty of people do it and think it's OK.

So I get you can't relate to all the conversations going on here. I don't expect you to relate to everything especially if it's coming from a crossdresser. We've tried our best to explain our feelings but you're never going to get it entirely because you are not a crossdresser. A lot of us share common traits but there are things said and done by other crossdressers that I just can't relate to. Understand that we are all different, be tolerant and accepting and work out what is right for you.

Katie

Sindy,

My wife is effectively the same in her outlook. She married a man and wants to be married to a man. Where I think we have moved slightly beyond that is that we are recognising that there is a part of me (as a single whole person) that is balanced between masculine and feminine and that comes out as Juliette.

Because of the way we live our lives, it's easier for me to package all of that femininity into Juliette rather than sprinkle it throughout our day to day existence. That being said, we have been out together once and had a really interesting night at a great party. It was entertaining, a bit of a laugh but we haven't felt compelled to do it again because neither of us fell in love with the experience.

What I feel strongly however is that any kind of suggestion that I am less of a 'man' because of Juliette is completely wrong. I'd take the pepsi challenge with anyone on traditional masculinity and male competency but I don't want to be judged by these. I'd rather be viewed as a person than as a man and the person I am has male and female ways of expressing.

Juliette

This is where I assume I part ways with the other wives here. I NEVER think of my husband as 'her' and if he wanted me to, I'd be filing those D papers. Seriously, I didn't marry a 'her'! How is it even okay to ask a spouse to treat you as a different gender? I dunno...just seems so dang disrespectful to me. But like I said, I really don't view all this the same as the others so this discussion wouldn't get very far in my marriage. I'd rather be single again and meet a guy who doesn't want to be called Barbie, than play these games with my husband. Husband...that word kinda loses some weight in this discussion.

Also, 'fun' gets thrown around a lot here (and not a dig at you Rebecca as literally everyone here AND my husband have used it), but fun for who? I HAVE girlfriends to hang out with. I HAVE an actual sister. Fun is a nice dinner with them, or my family. Or nights out dancing (rare now!). Or hearing my kids laugh. But hanging around the house or walking down the street with my wig wearing, skirt wearing husband, calling him Barbie and pretending we're sisters? Um, weird, confusing, even a bit boring...but fun? Seriously, those sort of fantasy/dress up games I lost interest in at about age 7 so fun is not the word I would ever use.

I think some of these conversations, while interesting and relevant, are losing me a bit as I seem to be struggling to relate...

We enjoy our girls nights in theyre fun

Katie Russell is a name I chose to join a forum (it was the name of my Nan's dog and my father birth surname). I've never really felt that it was maybe appropriate - especially at my age! Maybe I should grow up and be a Kate.

I don't think of myself as two different people and as for acting as 'Katie' well I don't meet anyone to be able to act any differently. My views are the same either way and the only change is bought about by the restrictions of the clothing.

Like Juliette I would like my wife to be more involved but that conversation has been had yet so not likely to happen in the foreseeable future. She did say one interesting thing along time ago, see said she could imagine us as a couple of old ladies sitting in dresses on the sofa drinking tea (sorry not as exciting as you Hannah lol). I can't really see much changing as the kids are now more independent and could pop home anytime so planned evenings isn't really something that works.

Katie