By: Emma RG

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: So how do we make a relationship work?

I think I would go along to a tg event yes

kinda done the shopping trip I put him in the car dressed and drove to get wine remember but no not to a shopping centre or restaurant

he isn't going doesn't want to live full time as a woman that's a no

yes not in my back yard applies BNO in MK is far enough away

I'd say if you want to wax then wax its your body

I do like his company dressed yes its different its nice hes more relaxed less macho and I have reappraised myself and make more effort and have enjoyed the compliments

I'm also independent and can make my own decisions and can think for myself and assess things such as crossdressing and my assessment is he does it for fun and escapism as Davina describes and I'm fine with it.

we do everything together neither particularly likes going out on boys nights or girls night (we like our girls night) and would rather go out as a couple or with couples.

I can give guidance but it can only be the same as Davinas wifes advice from our point of view (I wish Davinas wife would come back here as we've not heard from her for ages)

By: Davina

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: So how do we make a relationship work?

I like everything Em has said too and yes Mrs Davna needs to get back on here but shes not really interested in the blog.

Will I be able to tone down the dressing and even keep it out of sight if suddenly your supportive wife no longer wants involvement?

Yes as luckily I can dress in a hotel when away with work as an outlet.

Will you keep this private from the children?

Definitely as no need for them to know

Can we trust you to be husband and father first and above all else, and keep cross dressing separate and private?

Easily as crossdressing only happens 10-15 times at most per year its important but limited important in terms of the fun and stress release aspect but irrelevant next to being a Dad and husband.

I think if I asked my wif whats more annoying the crossdressing or the fact I cant switch off from work shed say the latter and probably tell me to crossdress and unwind

I don't mind being refered to as a crossdresser Sindy you can call me Superman or Action man if you like but we are crossdressers in this blog so crack on with the cd term doesn't bother me.

By: Davina

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: So how do we make a relationship work?

It's intriguing why the need for sharing and acceptance suddenly arises?

Its different family don't need to know we feel a wife needs to know we crossdress and that's that. Its a love and trust thing and the urge to share everything.

I could have taken it to the grave but that's very dishonest isn't it? do you hide things from your husband? how does that make you feel if you do? my wife hid something from me which hurt me deeply when I found out so I think sharing problems and hitting them early is the best option.. the thing with crossdressing is its a bit away from the norm and we worry how you'll react to it being admitted.

By: Katie

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: So how do we make a relationship work?

I don't know if I'd have shared. At the time my wife found out I had no intention of telling her so as far as I know it would have gone to the grave.

Was that being dishonest? I don't know. I'm sure she has things that she doesn't tell me because she know it will upset or hurt me.

Crossdressing was my shame and guilt and I didn't intend sharing it.

I do, however, know that since she found out I spent a lot of time reading about crossdressing and belonging to forums and I think that maybe there is quite a bit of peer pressure to confess and explore our 'femininity'. So that maybe the trigger for telling.

Just a thought.

By: Sindy

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: So how do we make a relationship work?

It's intriguing to me why the need for sharing and acceptance suddenly arises? Many of us were married years before finding out, and before that y'all were dressing in secret when living with roommates and siblings etc and never felt the need to tell any of them. I don't really understand what changes and why the sudden need to reveal and gain acceptance?

Clearly, the best way to get that is to have relationships with women who know from the start. But for everyone else, why didn't you just take it to the grave?

I guess I wonder sometimes if I'd have rather not known. I mean, I know my husbands CIA training means he has the capacity to hide it forever lol. He was perfectly capable of going it alone around his parents and friends. And if he'd wanted a wife who accepted it he really should have discussed his motives and interests more clearly from the very start. So part of me is a bit annoyed that he chose me to off load this onto as I don't enjoy carrying it around. He might feel he's shared all of himself with me, whereas I would have happily not known about it and certainly not felt like I was missing out on anything! Instead now I feel like I'm missing out on a relationship without secrets and baggage and that yin/yang everyone speaks of here. Would I rather have not known, making this entire discussion obsolete? Honestly, if it was guaranteed that he wouldn't slip up somewhere and I find out even later, then I do think I'd rather not know.

Just a thought. Not sure there's a point to this. But sometimes it does seem women and crossdressers are a match made in hell lol.

By: Katie

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: So how do we make a relationship work?

I know exactly what you mean about being difficult to talk about. You may have seen my previous posts about not talking. It's so hard to try and find the right moment. If my wife is happy I don't want to bring her down. If she's not in the mood then I don't want to upset her even more. It never seems the right time so maybe a text conversation might work.

You're right that once it's out in the open the conversation (if any) needs to be truthful.

I think that the wife / partner needs to be in the driving seat, if it's the crossdresser then it'll be foot on the accelerator and fast forward!

I do believe it's a matter of finding a level that you're happy with.

The only proviso that I make is that the crossdresser has had a life of withholding this secret. It is difficult for us to have lived with this guilt and shame for so long that to be rejected by our wife / partner is very hard to take. Very often we keep it a secret to protect you from this guilt and shame. I know that once you are party to this secret you will also bear this burden.

Sometimes we need a little love and understanding so if you can open your heart and accept us it would mean so much.

It's really getting this balance right so that everyone feels comfortable is important to the future if the relationship.

By: Rebecca RG (Wife)

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: So how do we make a relationship work?

I think to make this work at first is the tricky part I mean if your Boyfriend or Finance tells you before you get married you may run a mile and if you're married you may run a mile or at least think or say why didn't you tell me this before we got married?

But once over the initial shock we need the truth ie do you want a sexy change and most don't so that's the initial relief, are you Gay no this needs to be honest as to be honest with you reading that Sarah T girl and his/her wife had a mutual split and reading all about it on here then reading Sarah going out to a tgirl event and having sex with another T girl put all the horrible thoughts back in my head about my husband like does he want to have sex with other men dressed as women.

He's told me he doesn't and I believe him but like I said to make this work it all needs to be out in the open honest although I do appreciate it is very hard to talk about I clam up he clams up so sometimes we write it down and I know you might say you're adults talk its weird for me to talk about, I don't know what to say he wants to say things but won't say them to we find if we have something to say as Davina has said n the help and advice you can write it down and pass the note then its done its out there and you can talk or write back and this works both ways.

Reaching a place of agreement is the place to get to and setting up an agreement.

He will dress when home alone, or when away with work in a hotel and we have tried the girls night in which was ok and I think I'm a bit like Davinas wife I've accepted it but get the impression that she doesn't really want much to do with it just accepts its something our husbands do but as she isn't adding her thoughts all we hear is Davinas thoughts which sorry Davina but it will be one sided. It would be nice to hear from your wife again, I know Emma has written on her guestbook.

Could you ask her to contribute again or are you having a crisis of confidence about your dressing again? sorry being nosey but it's your blog.

So to sum up finding a balanced agreement is the way to go or what to get to but its not easy and you will still harbour doubts.

By: Katie

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: So how do we make a relationship work?

A few years back I did some coasteering in Wales. I was with a group of lads a good 20+ years younger than me. We climbed up an outcrop and started jumping in. Each time we jumped in we moved up higher. The higher we got the more the adrenaline started pumping until I reached a point where I could no longer jump. Fear had overridden the adrenaline. I took a step back down, just a few feet but I was comfortable to jump again.

I guess that we will all push the boundaries but we must realise when we have taken a step too far. If either person feels uncomfortable then we should respect each other and take that step back.

I was mature enough to realise that I had reached my limit and I guess that that only comes with experience and responsibility. A 20 year old bloke doesn't have the same concerns as a 48 year old man with a wife, family and business.

So I'm taking on Sindy's point that although we may have reached a certain point it doesn't mean that we shouldn't take a step back if anybody gets the wobbles. It doesn't mean it won't move forward again in the future, it's just that we've reached a point that everyone feels comfortable. I think that that is a good compromise and nobody should forced to take that next step until they are ready, if ever!

I'll add on other analogy. I did 'Go Ape' a little while ago. The first jump was really scary but having achieved it the nerves were calmed. Slowly as you move around the course the height increases and difficulty increases. Some people still dropped out but by the end you cannot understand why you were so nervous about the first step. As your confidence grows you feel that you can achieve more and more and what seemed like a huge problem at the start now becomes insignificant.

It's just finding the right level that suits everyone. If you need to go forward on your own then make sure you do it with your partners blessing.

By: Sindy

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: So how do we make a relationship work?

Great thread!

I like everything Em has said, with a few additions as I'm coming at this after years and I actually started out like Em and eventually dialled it all back A LOT. So yep, renegotiation is key, not just for the crossdresser.

So questions for the men:

Will you be able to tone down the dressing and even keep it out of sight if suddenly your supportive wife no longer wants involvement?

Will you keep this private from the children? Few women like the idea of the kids knowing, so this is a HUGE issue.

It boils down to trust. Can we trust you to be husband and father first and above all else, and keep cross dressing separate and private?

The other questions Em mentioned, and Katie, about going out are subjective for each couple but I'd say a majority of wives do dabble a little with their husbands, but as Katie mentioned, the gritted teeth will often set in so I personally think maybe don't start anything you're very likely going to need to stop. Men get a bit enthusiastic about having a 'partner in crime' finally, but as you change, so do we. It's a lot less fun to indulge crossdressing when you're juggling kids and jobs and resentment can set in.

So that's the big warning for both sides, isn't it? People can change over time, and a crossdresser may want to dress more or less or push a few boundaries, while a wife may join in for a few years and then decide she's had enough. How will everyone navigate this?

Personally, I reached beyond the gritted teeth and I had to ask my husband to remove it from our life completely - I still don't really know why it grew more annoying over time but I suspect parenthood and a desire to move on from our youthful relationship was part of it. I'm sure it's not just cross dressing that wives eventually tire of their men indulging. I think it was you, Katie, who said much of the activities men do could be deemed childish and obsessive and we're in good company there lol. So I guess this is just renegotiating the relationship the same as any couple, yes?

EXCEPT - the big 'if' is whether a man who crossdresses (I actually really hate calling y'all crossdressers as though that's all you are) can dial back the dressing if his wife decides she's had enough. And I don't mean wear less outfits or whatever, but dress without her. Go it alone, so to speak.

Hmmmm...I think I'm rambling. I liked Emma's clear post much better. Emma, I think you need to draft out the final copy of this cross dressing bible lol.

By: Katie

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: So how do we make a relationship work?

Thanks Em.

Sorry for all the questions. When I said going out alone I meant meeting other CDs at an event. Would you feel happy going along?

If it was just a shopping trip or a meal out how would you feel?

I'm just trying to gauge how far down the line you'd go. There are CDs who live pretty well full time as women and as you said that'd be a no.

Others are happy to go to event whilst other it's a case of not in my backyard.

At different points the dynamics of the relationship change so it's really looking at those tipping points. It's going to be different for every person but at some point the disadvantages outweigh the advantages.

I'm juts conscious that as a wife you've had something thrust upon you that you weren't expecting or even wanting. You've made positive steps but there are still limits which I think is right.

I think sometimes it is all take as a crossdresser and I wanted to see where we can give a little. Make compromises. I'd like to wax my body but if it made my wife feel uneasy then I wouldn't. I can cope being hairy as long as I can dress. It's those sort of compromises that I'm looking at.

You said you like his company when he's dressed. That's a positive. His dressing has made you reappraise yourself which has also had positive consequences.

I read the article Sindy put a link up for and although some of it was a bit cringe she did make some observations. I know my wife is not the sort of woman she described at the end. My wife is an independent lady and quite capable of making her own decisions. She can support herself and the kids if necessary so I'm not around for financial reasons!

It was just that some of the women looked to being doing it through gritted teeth. I'd hate to think that I was dragging my wife along doing something she hates just to appear to be supportive not that that is the case.

I want my marriage to be an equal partnership. We don't do things together that we don't want to do. She goes to gigs with her friends (unless it's a band I like) and I'll go to cricket with my mates. We don't make each other do the things the other person doesn't want to do.

You've obviously got your balance right. i can tell from you posts that it's working for you which is why it's helpful if you can give guidance to other wives and partners about why it works for you.

Sorry to waffle, this is going to be a long thread!

By: Emma RG

Subject: Re: Re: Re: So how do we make a relationship work?

If he wanted to tell other people would that be acceptable?

Only if he discussed it with me and we made a joint decision to tell a trusted friend or family member. I don't think I'd be very happy if he just outed himself in an uncontrolled way without talking to me first.

If he wanted to go out alone would that be acceptable?

I'm not sure why he'd want to go out alone and not sure it's something he'd want to do. I dragged him out in the car he did say he enjoyed it but was very nervous and afraid of us being seen.

If he wanted to go out I'd probably go with him so I don't see why he'd need to go alone.

You said opportunity for husband and wife time - how much?

We spend 95% as husband and wife and will admit since I've come to terms with his crossdressing he probably does it a bit more and sometimes I will notice he's a bit stressed and will say why don't you draw the curtains and get dressed up and relax. I like his company both as my husband and when he's crossdressed. He's the same person but somehow more relaxed less macho then dressed and I like him as her from time to time but wouldn't like that all the time.

What do you get out of the relationship?

A happy healthy husband and also it's revitalised me making more of an effort to look my best so have seen it as a bit of a kick in the backside and healthy competition to look nice as a woman.

By: Katie

Subject: Re: Re: So how do we make a relationship work?

Thanks Em.

Couple of questions. If he wanted to tell other people would that be acceptable? If he wanted to go out alone would that be acceptable? You said opportunity for husband and wife time - how much?

What do you get out of the relationship?

By: Emma RG

Subject: Re: So how do we make a relationship work?

There's a lot in here for me to catch up with. I'll have a read tonight.

I enjoy Sindys point of view and agree with lots of it but Crossdressing has had a positive effect on me as a wife and on our relationship and I'll try to add some bullet points of good and bad acceptable and unacceptable below from my perspective in terms of my relationship . I expect even with this there will not be one answer we're all happy with as things I'm ok with I know Sindy wont be ok with.

Ok So my other half Crossdresses.

There would be some instances I would walk away below:

- He's cheated on me

- He's admitted he's Gay (Or Bisexual)

- He's a pervert with his crossdressing.

- He wants to be a woman.

- He wants to dress as a woman all the time.

So my other half is none of these so we're onto making it work.

Ok he crossdresses, but do I want to see him dressed do I want any part of this?

What is it he does when he's crossdressed?

How does he look when he's crossdressed? and how does he dress?

What are his reasons for Crossdressing?

Does anyone else know?

What if people find out?

How does this affect our relationship?

How do I feel about myself?

So what I accept

- I accept it's something he's done for a long time

- I accept he finds it a fun thing to do

- I accept its some form of stress release

- I accept he finds it a bit of a turn on

- I accept he wants sex with me dressed (Its fun and I don't feel lesbian at all its my husband)

- I accept he gets himself off

- I accept him dressing fully with makeup, wig, fake boobs the lot as I would prefer him to look convincing rather than just find him in a dress with a beard (Sorry Katie)

- I accept it's made me think more about my appearance and my own self image and I have made a change for the positive

- I accept its a secret between the two of us

- I accept and actually enjoy a girls night in with him given we have plenty of opportunity for husband and wife time

- I have to accept him being outside the house dressed as I made him come out in the car with me

- I expect him to tell me the truth about everything to do with his dressing including him admitting he wore him mums, sister and anyones clothes he could find time to try on when he was younger

- I expect him to be honest

- I accept he may want to renegotiate our terms

Is this the sort of thing you're looking for Katie

I'm sure some wives will tick parts and not others

Em xxxx