I talk about Davina as someone else as its an easier reference I don't think of myself as Davina it's just a screen name and have no emotional bond to Davina as an "Alter ego" but do sometimes refer to Davina as "the alter ego" or the "Inner Bitch" a phrase the wife came up with.

Crossdressing's just a bit of fun.. zero emotional bond

That's strange. I don't look on 'Katie' as being someone else. There's no emotional bond with 'Katie' it's just part of me. Maybe some crossdressers do have an alter ego but 'Katie' only exists on-line as a convenience rather like Sindy.

Would your husband having a close female friend hurt more than sleeping with her?

Sorry to push it but it's interesting to understand where these feelings come from. Maybe you're reading more into the situation or I'm not understanding your definition of an emotional bond.

Katie

Davina, yes, I suffered HUGELY before I stumbled on an online wives support forum a few years back and finally realised I'm not alone with this. It was so important and I think saved my marriage. Your wife has that here, I imagine? You have actually provided her with that outlet and she knows it's here if needed. I don't know her so can't say if she'd prefer to share with friends, but I have also done that and it went nowhere as they can't understand it. The best ear to have listening to you is another wife with a crossdressing husband. I can't stress this enough for any women reading here. Only another wife or partner will ever understand.

Katie, I think yes, women process infidelity differently than men. Look at Hillary Clinton - there's just no way Bill would have stuck around if it were reversed. It's incredibly subjective though and I mentioned women might leave a cheater on principal, even if they want to stay. But I also think, at least I feel this is the case for me, that physical sex cheating is far more forgivable than my husband forming an emotional bond with another woman and not sleeping with her. That is so much worse.

Men get mostly upset at the sex. Yes?

Gosh, there is a connection here with how we respond to crossdressing, isn't there? When my husband crossdresses, I feel my husband has an emotional bond elsewhere. I've always known I've resented the 'competing' aspect, but I don't know why I never connected these dots before. It's not that he's taking his physical sexual energy away from me, it's the emotional bond he has with his dressing that upsets me. That's the part that hurts the most.

Sindy I'm surprised that you'd prefer your husband to have a 'fling' over crossdressing. I alway thought that you and most other women couldn't compartmentalise so always saw the whole picture. Does that not mean that every time you'd see him you'd be reminded that he'd been intimate with another woman?

His crossdressing is 'out of sight' but 'not out of mind' why would an affair be different?

Do women have a different acceptance of infidelity? Is it more acceptable, something they can blame themselves for as opposed to crossdressing which is nothing to do with them?

I watched 'Broadchurch' where one of the characters is continually unfaithful with multiple 'flings' yet his wife is willing to live with it. I know it's only fiction but it happens. Why?

Katie

About once a week. But the dressing wasn't why relationship ended.

In fact I'm more comfortable with my dressing than when I was younger.

"If anyone found out, you would be seen as part of the equation"

Do wives suffer with the secret because they feel they can't tell someone about their husbands crossdressing?

If my wife needed to discuss it with someone I'd have no problem with it but she says she hasn't and wouldn't as doesn't want anyone to know.

Tara, a bit off topic, but how often do you dress now?

I always figure this is the real test of why the partnership broke down. If you're dressing often now you're single (I assume the relationship ended?), it's fairly safe to say your crossdressing needs were too high for her (him?) and this would be why it eventually imploded.

Ive asked this of my husband before, as in how often did he dress before we met and I gather it was more often but still occasional, private and not all comsuming. If it was these things before a relationship, I do think youre going to have a tough time.

Of course, the need could also grow while in the relationship but I suspect that's also likely to cause it to implode.

Definitely wouldnt want to know of a fling because firstly, telling is easing the guilt while I say live with it! Secondly, a wife might almost feel obligated to leave the marriage if her values insist, for an incident with no real meaning other than 'he had a weak moment'.

That's not condoning cheating! But fact is, in a long term relationship it can happen (and it does, alot) and I think many wives and people in general get that.

Why is crossdressing seen as worse? I don't think the act itself is. It's the permanence of it. The wife of a cheater can hope, with some security, that a fling is a one off. She can share with sympathetic friends and they'll get it. The wife of a crossdresser doesn't have this luxury. She KNOWS it's going to keep happening and she can't share her pain with anyone.

Sometimes I think the betrayal we feel isn't just about the lies - it's this permanence. With no hope in sight that you'll stop the behavior, a wife has one of two choices - turn a blind eye or embrace it. Embracing it means you're now condoning it in the marriage and if anyone found out, you would be seen as part of the equation. I suspect many women resent the idea they might be defined by their husband's behavior. Add in the fact it's socially taboo, and that any fetsh type behavior (even if its not an actual fetish) can be seen to be competing with the couples relationship, and it's no wonder some women might prefer the one off fling!

I think I would. :-(

Oh living with my parent its weird to say I used to wear my mums things but I did when I was a kid.

Suppressing things especially stress isn't good for you.

Crossdressing helps me in that regard

I suppressed my dressing for over ten years that i was with my partner. In hindsight it made me miserable and was probably a factor in my depression. I just didn't want to sneak about. That was hard enough when I lived with my parents.

In that metaphorical incident I think my wife would take the stance that she would rather not know if I had a fling and I'd then have to live with that in my head.

If she comes in here maybe she'll answer that.

What do other wives think?

Would you prefer not to know if your husband or boyfriend had a fling?

But I would say a fling is a bigger deception and lie than crossdressing.

Crossdressing is surely easier to accept?

Apologies for not having read the previous stuff... But:

Davina: "Its a sharing thing an open and honest thing with my wife I like to think she knows everything about me and I know everything about her but no doubt we don't know everything."

Does this hold good for say, a metaphorical one night stand you had when drunk and alone for the night? You feel bad and resolve never to do it again. Keeping the secret is not right, so should you confess it? Would she rather not know? Who benefits?

In an unconnected conversation (possibly when watching a movie), my wife told me straight: "Men who do that to feel better are bastards. I hope you never do it, but don't you dare use me to ease your guilt!" That was me told.

Sylv

It must be so hard to hide this from your wife.

I've heard wives call it a betrayal as a man has confessed to crossdressing after getting married but in real terms we just dress in clothing put on makeup and a wig and try to look like convincing women so yes guilty of not telling wives from the start but as discussed before with hindsight would my wife have dumped me when dating and not married me .. who would she be with now would she have kids would i have kids would i have married and kept crossdressing a secret from past experience.

I've chatted to a few crossdressers who have divorced not due to CDing per say but they've remarried and some have kept it a secret and some have told their wives.

I'm glad my wife knows I crossdress and feel lucky she's accepted it but I know she doesn't really like it and that guilt persists in me which sometimes surfaces as so what I'm not doing any harm!

Well if we find a pair of knickers the first thought is 'affair!'

If we catch you in the act? Have sort of experienced a milder version of that and it was not good. Don't do that! Either be CIA or yes, you'll have to tell or you'll start world war three.

I do bet many crossdressers have taken this to their graves with smug smiles on their faces. Lol

I've not been intimate when Crossdressed but my wife has commented when I've been Crossdressed that I'm a nicer person.

I don't get it maybe she feels more dominant and I'm more subby when dressed in those type of terms but I don't see how I act any different.

I will have to ask her if she would prefer not knowing but then there's the getting caught scenario.. explain your way out of that

Sylvia, I actually agree with you. I cant say I personally get anything out of knowing. I know some do but not me personally. It actually ruined how I see my husband and I know he regrets that part.

But if this is an intimate, private activity, then do some men feel that sharing with your intimate partner makes it better? I always used to find it annoying that dressing up made my husband more 'lovey dovey' while I was uncomfortable and wanted to be elsewhere. We're very incompatible in that way. But that's just us. Maybe some couples find it enhances their intimacy so telling makes sense?

Not me. I still wish I didn't know.

Its a sharing thing an open and honest thing with my wife I like to think she knows everything about me and I know everything about her but no doubt we don't know everything.

My wifes said things like "If I don't know about it it doesn't harm me" or words to that effect.

My brain says no that's not right we need to be honest and open.

My wife asked to dress me as a woman and me thinking she'd sussed me as a crossdresser told her I'd dressed before and indeed for years.

She hadn't sussed me and broke down in tears asking if I was gay or wanted to become a woman etc but wasn't it better I told her I dressed rather than her discovering it?

Initially her request was if I had to dress do it when she was out leaving no evidence that I'd dressed so to an extent the tears and talking seemed a waste of time and I may as well have kept it a secret.

It was an accident I suppose my confession but I had been mulling over telling her I crossdressed but would I have told her otherwise and would I be able to hide it from her almost 20 years?

So I told her and she knows and thinks of it as something her mad husband does but she would rather I didn't crossdress and I think still finds it hard to comprehend and talk about.

I will try to get her in here to discuss her thoughts to a question would you rather not know I crossdress she may say yes.

I wrote this earlier as an explination about wht we have the need to confess. I thought it was pretty much on the nail.

https://cdtra007.wixsite.com/whydomencrossdress/forum/why-do-men-crossdress/confessing-that-we-crossdress

Katie