By: Katie
Subject: What does a crossdresser want from a relationship?
I’ve been thinking for while what I actually want from the relationship I have with my wife with regard to my crossdressing. It’s always been difficult to actually pinpoint what I want as there are so many emotions spinning through my head and I’ve always tried to look at things from her perspective. However, I thought I’d have a go as it might help other wives in seeing it from the crossdressers point of view. It may sound a little selfish but I hope that it helps to develop a better understanding.
Firstly I think that the most important thing is that we are accepted for who we are. It hurts to be thought of as some sort of social pariah who isn’t fit to be a father. I’m sure that this is not how my wife feels but having seen post from wives on other sites it’s not an unusual reaction, which scares me. Yes it is shocking to find out that your other half has been dressing as a woman for most of his life, yes it is upsetting that you have been deceived but as the saying goes ‘far worse things happen at sea’. It never ceases to amaze me that women will stay in abusive relationships, stand by their ‘man’ never mind how vile or despicable he might be but if he crossdresses then he’s out. It’s just a matter of standing back from the situation and looking at it from a different angle. As I said I think my wife has done this but I don’t truly know which brings me onto the second point.
Not talking about it or even acknowledging it happens may work for my wife but it does make me feel a little confused (what is she really thinking). I don’t talk about as I don’t want to rock the boat and I’m also not very good at communicating my feelings so we just drift on through life without it ever being mentioned. Yes there are more important things in life than crossdressing but it is still part of who I am.
Maybe it’s me. Maybe it’s not a big deal to her and shouldn’t be to me either it’s just at times I’d like to be able to talk about it openly in a relaxed way. I get quite tense and defensive and still feel the need to hide this part of my life, which I wish I didn’t have to. I’ve got no problem in keeping it away from the kids but I love my wife and feel that I am still deceiving her.
She doesn’t know when I’ve dressed or if I bought anything new for myself, which leads to this feeling of deception. I don’t expect to have to tell her every time I’ve dressed but it would be nice to talk to her about things like prospective purchases so I don’t feel this way.
I’m not saying it needs to be the topic of conversation everyday but just something that is normal, you know ‘How was work today?’ ‘Fine’ end of conversation unless something happened at work that was important! It doesn’t need to be a big deal. ‘I like the way XXX is dressed do you think it’ll suit me?’ in casual conversation.
My wife often asks if there is anything I need. I’d love to be able to say ‘can you pick me up a pair of tights’ but don’t feel I can. She also asks what I’d like for my birthday or Christmas. Again I’d love to say ‘I’ve seen this really nice dress, skirt, top etc.’ but instead say nothing and end up with something that useful but means less to me. It would means so much if my wife actually bought me an item of women’s clothing, especially if it was a surprise. To me that would be a form of acceptance and would really reinforce our love. Soppy maybe but it would show that’s she’s thinking of me as the whole person and not just part.
Of course I don’t want to be one of my wife’s ‘girlfriends’ all the time. I’m her husband and still enjoy the masculine part of my life. I want to be considered the male in the relationship doing all those ‘manly’ things. I run the kids football team; help them with their cricket, DIY etc. acting as a male role model. I go down the pub for a lad’s night out and drink too much beer, come home and fart and snore all night. You know, typical male things! I want to be her rock, the solid foundation on which our family is built. I don’t want to parade around in heels and dresses all day long - just occasionally when I feel like it.
I do, however, like the idea of a ‘girls night in’ where I can metaphorically let my hair down and talk to my wife in a completely different way to I do (or don’t) normally. I think I’d find it nerve wracking and exciting at the same time but hopefully it would enable me to open up to her even more as I’d be totally exposed with my defenses down. Maybe it would just help in it being ‘normal’.
I think that many of you can talk openly and discuss crossdressing without shame or embarrassment. Even to the extent of having a ‘girls night in’. It’s really this being able to talk about it as if it’s just part of everyday life that I crave. Just accepting it’s part of the whole package and loving me for it.
By: Katie
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: What does a crossdresser want from a relationship?
Hi D
Your post just goes to prove Sindy's point. We should all be thankful for what we have and shouldn't make our crossdressing such a big deal.
By: Davina
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: What does a crossdresser want from a relationship?
Great topic reading by the pool in Spain in the sun.
I have a reply in my mind but awkward to reply right now with a French woman to my left and a polish woman to my right as my daughter plays water polo and wife and other nipper up in the room it's sooo hot.
Another week here gaining a nice tan keep the conversation going I'll reply soon.
By: Katie
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: What does a crossdresser want from a relationship?
Hi Sindy
You're right. I shouldn't regret what I don't have, I should rejoice in what I do. I'm a lot more fortunate than many other people so shouldn't expect more.
I'm fortunate that I run my own business so everything is really in my control. I want to change direction which may not be as rewarding financially but if will be better for the soul! As you say life is too short. It's just having the nerve to make the change which is something I need to discuss with my wife. I've been doing a lot of groundwork and know it can work but it will take time.
Wish me luck.
By: Sindy
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: What does a crossdresser want from a relationship?
Maybe you wouldn't jeopardise things though. Without communication, how can you ever know? I'm frustrated with you on this issue. But, it is clearly how she's coping with things so I not sure what you can do, other than come right out one day and say 'I know you don't want to be involved or discuss it but if anything ever worries or bothers you, please come and talk to me as you are the most important thing in my life.' At least this might reassure her that you're on her side and not disappearing into another world without her?
And job hate...ugh, been there. It's soul destroying. I hope you can figure this out too as there's nothing worse than facing misery every day. Life is too short. Good thing about modern life is you can make a change. Born a few decades earlier and it wasn't so easy, if not impossible.
And hey, you've given me perspective that's helped me move forward and I really appreciated it. I can give you some by pointing out that maybe you never will have a wife who buys you stockings and little clothing gifts and maybe you'll never share crossdressing with anyone but those of us here on this blog. BUT you have a family that loves you, a wife who quietly shows her support by not leaving the marriage and by leaving you alone when she could have turned into the screaming banshee who exposes you to the world that MANY crossdressers have experienced. You live in a time when you have enough financial resources to purchase female items and a time enlightened enough that you're not killed for doing so. Your kids are safe and healthy (I assume). These things seem not enough I'm sure, but life owes no one anything and most people can't indulge their whims or wishes more than on occasion. You're no different there. I think you've got it quite good. I think we all do. :-)
By: Katie
Subject: Re: Re: Re: What does a crossdresser want from a relationship?
Thanks Sindy.
I guess it was written as a wish list.
I've got to a period in my life, call it a mid-life crisis, where you look back at what you've achieved but also look forward to what you want.
What I want to be happy. It'll probably mean a change of job - I hate what I do now which really gets me down and I know that I'm not putting my heart and soul into which means I'm letting other people down. If I change my job then a certain amount of security may be lost so there are a lot of big decisions that need to be made.
Obviously dressing is only a small part but it would make me happy to feel that I wasn't being deceitful. I know I'm probably not in the sense that my wife know I dress but it's just how I feel. Not having any conversation about the subject is difficult and I know it's horses for courses. Em seems to be making such progress and to a degree I feel jealous.
Don't get me wrong I wouldn't swop my life with my family it's just that little extra that I crave.
Maybe this feeling will go away when I've sorted out the other issues but it just sits there nagging away which in the long term isn't good.
Thanks for listening and giving your point of view. I respect what you have to say on the subject as the voice of reason. It helps seeing things from another point of view. And you're right I don't want to do anything to jeopardise my marriage.
By: Sindy
Subject: Re: Re: Re: What does a crossdresser want from a relationship?
Thought I'd better clarify that when I say 'adding crossdressing into the marriage', I don't mean acknowledging you're a crossdresser. That's already done. I can tell from what you've written here that your wife is well aware of this but doesn't want to discuss it. I mean making it a part of the marriage. Something you share. That's the problem as you want this and your wife doesn't. Same in my marriage. I'd guess it's the same in the majority of marriage to a crossdresser. We can't see you as both a husband, lover, and 'female impersonator' because all these identities blur together and affect the whole package. Your wife might not want to lose her attraction to you, and maybe the crossdressing is a libido-killer. But trust she's doing what she needs to keep you together. If she wanted to share this, she would.
My only concern is the complet shutdown in communication about it. I like grilling my husband about it all now, as it helps with my busy head lol. Your wife would feel better discussing this, but maybe not with you. Counselling? She can always vent here, and I'd be happy to pass on my email if it would help. Sometimes women just need to vent to someone who gets it.
By: Sindy
Subject: Re: Re: What does a crossdresser want from a relationship?
I don't know your wife, obviously, but I suspect we're very similar. Which, if this is the case, I also suspect these 'girls nights' and conversations might be a step too much for her. And I've tired it! I tried to be involved and talk casually and pretend my husbands dressing didn't bother me. But it always did. I'll never forget my husband making a flippant comment about women's jeans one afternoon and how we get the stretchier more comfortable material. It was harmless and said in light conversation - yet all I could think was 'he shouldn't know these things!'
I don't know why this is harder for some of us than others. I also don't know why I react to what you've written here with the same reaction as if my husband has said it. I wince. Cringe. I want to put my hands over my ears and yell 'la la la la' to block it out. I totally get why your wife can know you're a crossdresser, she can even logically support that you're a crossdresser, yet any hint of this reality and she's likely to freak completely out. It just doesn't mesh AT ALL with how she sees you. And this is how I also feel, and when I tried to mesh it together I seriously considered divorce. Again, I can't explain why. Why do some men crossdress? There are no answers to some questions and this is one of them. Some women react negatively to men who present as women. It's probably as illogical and even biological as the reasons you and Davina got wearing women's clothing in the first place. No one is at fault, but it's pretty damn innate.
But, I'm actually really grateful that you've written this and you've listed what you would want from your wife, Katie, as not only is this good information to have as who knows, maybe I can handle a few things here and there, but I've thought for the longest time that my husband is STILL trying to get me involved despite how bad things went in the past and this at least validates that I'm not imagining this lol. I guess people are always seeking acceptance from those they love. I wish he would stop though. I really do. I accept he does this, but even after chatting here I just can't be a part of it right now. Or maybe ever again, Not unless he wants me to see him as someone else, and that someone might not be able to remain my husband. :-(
And maybe that's the crux of it - you can't always be both. Your wife, (though I can't obviously speak for her), might have realised this and she's trying to save your marriage. If you push for these things you write of, change the dynamic between you by adding crossdressing into your marriage, the marriage might flounder. It also might not and maybe she hopes as I do that she will be more accepting one day - but it is a risk. I really do hope you can reach a place of mutual happiness.
Though, I do think crossdressing and relationships are a tricky thing indeed. I have often wondered of the purpose of burdening men with a proclivity that makes finding a compatible partner so difficult. Seems unnecessarily cruel. x
By: Katie
Subject: Re: What does a crossdresser want from a relationship?
Just as a side note I read that a wife liked to buy her husbands 'female' clothes as it gave her more control and allowed her to be more accepting as she knew what he was going to be wearing when she saw him.
Does that make sense to the wives here?