By: Sindy
Subject: Why Stay?
Well, it's still the new year and all that, and it dawned on me we're just talking nicely nice here lol. That's fantastic if you're those of us already here, or a crossdresser, but nicely nice is NOT what a newly informed wife wants to hear.
Oh no. She's sad. She's feeling betrayed.
So shoving aside the nice talk, I want to address WHY it's okay to stay married to a man who crossdresses. And I know this might offend the men here as it's never nice to feel someone is needing encouragement in order to accept you, but that's how many marriages survive this. And often women need to feel it's okay to stay with a man with a proclivity such as crossdressing and if they don't get that internal approval, they leave.
So here goes, ladies - this is why it's okay to stay:
- MOST women stay with their husbands when they discover he is a crossdresser. Solid research from a support forum I frequented (substantial research numbers if I recall) showed that the number who divorce when discovering the dressing is at 8%. That means 92% of wives will try and make their marriage work. So dont feel like you're a freak for staying in your marriage. Most women do!
- Crossdressing, while creepy, is harmless. And I know deep down that's what you're thinking....it's creepy. Thing is, the creepy factor comes from secrecy and society. As long as your husband is a Davina Dresser, it's harmless. If he's transgender (a different gender internally) or bisexual or whatever, there are potentially more harmful issues. But the Davina Dresser is far less complicated. Remember that. He's just wearing women's clothing and apparel - he's not sourcing a new pair of boobs from the local plastic surgeon because he feels he's Barbie inside. It's superficial and harmless.
- You have a man who is in awe of women. That's at the heart of it all. If you accept him, I have a hunch you'll have a partner who will adore you until you're lowered into the ground!
- Your life CAN be normal! This is the issue many wives fear and even I still worry about it. How can you have kids and family and work and just be normal with a man like this? How?!! Well, the Davina Dresser controls the dressing and not the other way around. The wife learns to trust this, but also to trust her own strength and identity should her husband 'out' himself. Confront your worst fear, decide how you will react, and then move on. I have done this and my husband knows my feelings. Like all relationships, after that, it's not in your control what happens so go and live your NORMAL life like everyone else. No one has a crystal ball so you're entirely normal in that way!
- He might see the real you more than other men. After all, he's in awe of you enough to emulate you. He could play golf or football or swim or whatever, (he probably does these too!) yet he chooses to emulate a woman. It's hard to swallow this as a compliment, and I still struggle, but it is. He doesn't do this to torment you. He does it because long before you existed to him, this was how he expressed his desire for you and for something inside him. Strange but true. It relaxes him to be like you. So he sees you differently than other men, and perhaps he sees you more clearly.
- He's human. He's YOUR human. Out of 7 billion, you found each other. That holds some statistical significance.
I have many others but it gets too long in this chat format. Anyway, I hope this helps even one wife stumbling upon this site. Nicely nice is fine and helpful, but it's also nice to hear the truth. Because it actually ain't that bad and maybe I was too nicely nice myself! :-D
xx
By: Davina
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Why Stay?
I will ask her to read up on the correspondence here and get involved again
The knickers thing was just a joke and she knows its a joke I just was caught cold with her response
Will work on getting her back in here adding her thoughts as although she says she doesn't want to bother with the blog she has much to share against my comments to assure that what I'm typing is how things are for some validation of my ramblings and also shows me her thoughts as its good to write or type things down gets things off your chest
By: Sindy
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Why Stay?
I can't speak for your wife, Davina, but that's the sort of thing I'd say too lol. It really doesn't matter how much I understand and know and even accept, my default position will still always be that I'd rather he wasn't a crossdresser. So joking around will always carry that bit of annoyance and resentment. I also think pointing out that her lingerie is less sexy than yours is sort of hurtful even when done as a joke, and my husband has done that in the past and learned quickly that it was a fast track to getting the silent treatment! Remember, you're the crossdresser, not your wife. We don't get the same pleasure from female clothing as you do.
Anyway, from the things your wife has written, I'd say she made peace with the situation. But I'd also guess if you said you wouldn't do it ever again that she'd be very okay with that decision too lol.
As long as you had another stress outlet, of course.
But yeah, it's not necessarily a communication issue as I'd bet even the most accepting partner has those moments where she thinks 'can't you just be like the other 95% of men and NOT talk about female clothing?!' Sometimes you just catch us at a bad moment. That's all.
But hopefully your wife might respond as I think we've all missed her input here.
By: Davina
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Why Stay?
Yes sort of I dressed she wasn't bothered not a proper girls night in with chick flicks and makeup
If you go down down down way back in the guestbook Katie you might find the chatter
I didn't get to the bottom of why they though it damaging as a blog maybe they were against the concept of having accepting wives and girlfriends and being straight alpha males crossdressing
Chuffed tho that my blog made a support group talking point - Think it was America?
By: Katie
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Why Stay?
I thought you had a 'girls' night in around Christmas.
By: Davina
Subject: Re: Re: Why Stay?
WE have a good mix of people who come in here some all the time and some occasionally so its a good balance and not too sugar coated and I try to show in my own blogs its not all sugar coated its a difficult subject to discuss and explain.
On the Why stay? I say why not if you can try to come to terms with crossdressing as my wife has and I know she doesn't like it but hey ho its something I do and have explained it away well enough.
yesterday we were sorting clothes and I found her knickers just a pair of plane ones I consider boring and I said these are yours I don't wear this type joking and she retorted with you shouldn't wear them at all!
I took that as a swipe so when she mentioned something a few mins later I made another joke of it .. We haven't chatted about my dressing in a long time and shes not come on here that I know of or into TV chix so I guess the trail has gone a little cold on the subject and if you don't talk and keep things current the bury your head in the sand can come back and resentment maybe - of course I may be wrong and if you read this wifey tell me if I'm wrong I don't bite....
By: Katie
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Why Stay?
We all play our part. It's no good sugar coating things or putting our fingers in our ears saying la la la la if theirs something we don't agree with.
I'm sure we've all learnt a lot by talking in a grown up way. I just wish that sometimes our politicians would do the same lol.
By: Sindy
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Why Stay?
As always, spoken so eloquently and calmly while I'm telling them to get over it lol. Just as well you're here, Katie, or this place could spiral into arguing and rants and nothing of weight would be discussed.
Makes me remember how it all started, with me essentially calling you all names and taking my anger out on Davina. Sorry Davina lol. I'm so glad I stayed to move past all that and learn what I now know, Now I can rant at the others who disapprove, but maybe they might also do what I did and come and discuss their position instead of criticising at a distance. That's lame. Grow a pair and come and debate your position or it never happened. I have no time for snowflakes!
See? Your calm is definitely needed here Katie...I'm a nightmare! :)
By: Katie
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Why Stay?
HI Davina
It would be interesting to know why the trans group found the blog harmful.
I think that it covers one aspect of crossdressing and if it becomes evident that you don't fit the mould then a lot of what is written here is irrelevant. Same can be said for a lot of what is out there on the internet. I've read post by in the transsexual section of other sites and it has no relevance to me other than helping me decide that that is not the course of action I am ever likely to take.
As always the danger is getting swept along with the crowd which s why sometimes looking at alternative views is good.
By: Sindy
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Why Stay?
Well, you know I say it as it is lol, and all I think of anyone who has issue with the lives and opinions of others is that they must truly believe themselves to be a precious wee snowflake who is so easily offended that others must tiptoe around them. Sorry, get over yourselves. If you can't relate to what is written on this blog then quit reading it. Clearly, you're not an ordinary 'Ol cross dresser and should go join the ranks of all the other precious trans snowflakes who think the world owes them something.
Guess what - it doesn't!
Life is hard for all of us and if you think you're doing yourselves any favors, you'd be wrong. Women have had it tough for centuries so if you want to join our team, man up already because the wives here, and women everywhere, have more balls than all of these snowflakes put together.
Rant over! :)
By: Davina
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Why Stay?
Thanks Sindy music to my ears as I have one Trans person tell me they'd reviewed my blog in their Trans meeting and told me it was doing a lot of harm.... That puzzled me as all I get is positive emails and posts about the blog and the scores on the doors currently are 492 say the site is helpful against 9 who say it's not useful who I suppose are on a different part of the trans spectrum to the "Davina type crossdresser"
Keep contributing Sindy and others welcome also
By: Sindy
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Why Stay?
And maybe writing a blog article for other wives would be therapeutic...
By: Sindy
Subject: Re: Re: Why Stay?
Of course :)
Anything I write here can be moved anywhere else here...I'm happy to help! I just remember so clearly how lonely and stressful this all was for me many years ago yet it didn't need to me. I needed a blog like this and I'd have been so much happier!
You're doing a good thing here. I'm verynhappy to help x
By: Davina
Subject: Re: Why Stay?
I like that Sindy
Can I add it to the wifes blog although you're not my wife it is a good read in that part of the overall site xx
If you'd like to write more or even an article with more thoughts if you email it to me cdtra007@hotmail.com i can add your thoughts to that of my wife's and that part of the blog can be open to any wives who want to write about how they cope with crossdressing.
I have found writing the blog theraputic in getting my head around my crossdressing and have it in mind to re read and edit my blog in full to stream line it as I think there's too much info in parts but I love what you've written up above and think you keeping it real could really help others in your writing xxxx