By: Davina
Subject: Bit of a catch up
We tell our wives about our crossdressing as there is special a bond (my wifes my best friend) and we want them to know the truth as we know society shapes the way people even our wives feel and think so a confession of “I crossdress” will bring concern and worry which is why coms are important and its put over as painless as possible even if its to us stupid to think its a painful thing as we feel (and know it’s harmless)
We don’t tell parents or siblings as we don’t feel they need to know or judge us we have a different type of bond with family than we do with our wives.
Katie is right we start young in our mums things and for anyone who’s caught (I wasn’t I don’t think… they never said anything) parents will stop the behaviour telling you it is wrong, then it does become a secret… For me it was a secret from the start even from young realising it wasn’t the norm even before the internet was invented lol.
As I got older into teens it definitely became a sexual thing getting off on it so hardly going to tell parents oh I dress up in lingerie and then toss off… well teenage boys toss off anyway.
After all discussing anything sexual with your parents is cringe worthy!
It is then a pattern difficult to break.
Telling ones wife is a deep secret shared and I cant stress enough the risk men take telling their wives and gfs that we crossdress knowing the probable reaction… but we shouldn’t keep secrets in a relationship which is why we feel the need to share this secret.
Now the participation – Acceptance is great and levels of acceptance can be set as I’ve said previously dress when home alone, leave no evidence, dress away with work in a hotel etc etc all different levels of acceptance then like Emma you may go and have fun with it which is great, I feel my wife tolerates it but doesn’t worry about it and is ok if I dress working from home and we’ve had girls nights in but for others they don’t want to be part of it and that’s fine as long as there isn’t animosity… The irksome behaviour of the husband who wants his wife to participate isn’t one of looking to annoy it’s one of wanting to somehow show the wife or GF it’s not as bad as she thinks its one of wanting to reassure.. if the wife or gf still doesn’t want to be involved then that’s that fine but coms need to remain open and the wife needs to say stop at the level shes most comfortable with but levels can be renegotiated ie Katie wants to talk to her wife.. the letter.. nothing more said .. probably doesn’t want to talk about it and happy to maintain the status quo..
I think it a lil strong to say “a wife who doesn't divorce him over crossdressing IS accepting” I think that’s scary that a woman would divorce a man just because of crossdressing without discussing and trying to understand it and coming to a compromise.. I mean to say a “Davina type crossdresser isnt that bad” and there are worse things for grounds for divorce..
We would love a wife who ENJOYS cross dressing none of us would deny that but the main underlying thing for us is we don’t want our wives and Gfs worrying about the crossdressing we want to reassure our wives and gfs and that’s our main drive for wanting to talk about it and for wanting some form of participation as above to say look its still me its not that bad..
The irk that a man wont march into Christmas dinner and say merry Christmas I dress as a woman lol this would seem to be an act of madness and would probably spoil christmas.
How do wives get a raw deal out of their husbands confessing to crossdressing showing trust and honesty? If a compromise is taken of ok you crossdress crack on its not something I want to be involved with what’s the raw deal? Like my wife says its just like you in fancy dress..
I wouldn’t say we bully wives into any participation as I’ve already mentioned it’s us wanting to reassure and not knowing how to do it and worrying about what to say and how to start the conversation and how our wives will react.
Men do feel rejected but women don’t realise this and I’m not talking crossdressing I’m talking other things like a night out or a hug or a kiss little things can make a man feel rejected but where a woman will give the “silent treatment” men bottle it up.
I’ve never come across any T-girls who have told me their wife is horrid as they won't apply his make up or have a 'girls night in' or share clothing together or try to force this on their wives.. I’ve had plenty of Crossdressers ask me how I got my wife to accept my crossdressing and my answer is I didn’t. We talked about it and her acceptance really came after she met me dressed when I was working from home maybe similar to Emmas acceptance.
I wouldn’t say a man who wants to talk about his crossdressing borders on emotional abuse if his intention is one of wanting to explain himself and to put his wife or gfs mind at ease.
I also wouldn’t use the word intimacy or describe it as an intimate activity as again its acceptance and understanding we want (Intamacy when crossdressed would be a huge bonus but we could never expect this to happen) but intimacy between husband and wife is important and crossdressing doesn’t have to be a blocker on this ie he crossdresses so that’s a passion killer.. when he’s not crossdressed? He’s the same man? Of course he is and his crossdressing is occassional yet for some wives and gfs the thought can be a passion killer this has to be worked on.
If there’s lack of intimacy altogether if crossdressing is part of it or not it needs work and needs to have some careful treading and communication.
What's going through the mind of my younger self when crossdressing? Sex, women, sexy lingerie and getting myself off is the honest truth of why I used to dress when I was a teenager into 20s.
Yes I did stand there in makeup, wig, lingerie dress and heels and think “Oh yeh”, but I never thought “I can't wait to share this with women...they're gonna find it so sexy” I thought “I cant wait to get my hands on a woman wearing these things for me”
Teenage Crossdressers are thinking I cant wait to have a gf wearing these things they’re not for one minute thinking I wonder if I can get a gf who will let me wear this with her.
Men know full well and understand that most women are not turned on by crossdressing which is why its such a big secret and we do it behind closed doors in secret and worry about telling our wives worried about their reaction and how they’d view us.
“If your wife hates the dressing but she hasn't left you, she has accepted your 'crazy' so move on already and give her the respect you give everyone else” may be true for some wives but if that’s so the wife needs to say that’s so or the crossdresser will keep pushing to try to gain a verbal acceptance and keep on trying to reassure the wife so get the limits set and an understanding set so not to let coms go stale and so not to let crossdressing fester in a relationship.
I understand Sarahs rant about women making more of an effort for their husbands although there isn’t a way of putting this over without it being misconstrued as sexist when it is probably meant in a more caring way.. one of those awkward things to talk about but we know that women become content and some don’t feel the need to get glammed up and we have to begrudgingly understand this. But no doubt if we grew a huge beard and smelled and had a beer belly our wives would have something to say about it.. Its just one of those things where women can say something that a man cannot and there’s no good way of stating this either – I hate the politically correct brigade as they have made things so awkward to discuss without the Monty Python you said Jehova ooooo you said it again.. stone him scenario….
I wont get involved in the ensuing argument lol as Katie said its easy to light to touch paper with misconstrued messages and easy once the touch paper is lit for insults to be traded.
What I do notice though about Sarah is I don’t think the problems are anything to do with Crossdressing (Just seems you’re using crossdressing to cope and escape?) and all to do with a bit of depression or self esteem? And I’ve said before counselling isn’t something I’d ever dream of myself but in your case it might be a good thing?
By: Davina
Subject: Re: Re: Bit of a catch up
Katie the way I interpreted your “Intimacy” was me showing how typing to reading something can be twisted and misconstrued.. I knew what you meant.
I know how it feels to put on weight – I trained hard at the start of the year to get in shape for holiday abroad but then picked up a bad injury and immediately in the weeks approaching the holiday put a few lb back on and now I’m back to square one 3 months later I think my leg may be healed enough to start again.. once you hit a certain age you really need to watch what you eat and exercise or exercise to excess to keep eating what you want but burn off the cals… Also helps to be fit and slim as a Crossdresser so you look better as your alter ego I feel.
We are sometimes too nice about our partners as we don’t want hurt their feelings but Katie is right equally we're not helping them if they are piling on the pounds - and sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind and kick start someone into realising they could be far healthier and more confident if they got back in shape (bad saying that as we’re all types of shapes) but it seems for women a dress size can mean the difference between confident and depressed like a sliding scale of size 10-14 confident size 16-18 not so confident (but nicely curvy) and 20+ low self esteem and stuck in a rut.. That may sound sexist but not meant to and its generalising but it seems to me there is something in the dress size which is connected to self confidence?
Hectic lifestyles doesn’t help says he working a minimum of 10 hour days at the moment averaging 60 hours per week but only paid for 35 of them – work is very hectic and I have too much pride and professionalism to fail which will affect my health and attitude if it goes on too long.. just have to complete this current project and hopefully relax some of the unpaid overtime..
Not even time to Crossdress to unwind and feel work is on top of me at the moment so even past the help of unwinding as Davina as when dressed I'm working from home :(
Need an alternative opportunity maybe to dress and see if it helps... Girls night in maybe (but when?.. we don't have time for this)...
By: Katie
Subject: Re: Bit of a catch up
I think how my post was interpreted is an example of how words can be misunderstood. When I said intimate I wasn't talking about sexual intimacy but the the ability to talk about things with your wife that you never could with your parents. As Davina easy there is a special bond and part of that is being able to share those things that might not necessarily be mentionable in polite company!
I think sometimes that we all get into a rut and maybe don't care so much about ourselves, especially when running around after kids. It can be quite shocking to see how a friend has changed if you haven't seen them in a while but living with someone constantly you don't necessarily notice the change. I think putting on weight is a classic example. It can just creep up on you and then suddenly there's a fat slob sitting on the settee drinking beer!
I think sometimes we're too nice about our partner to want to hurt their feelings but equally we're not helping them if they are pilling on the pounds. Sometimes there are underlying problems and sometimes it's just the hectic lifestyles we lead.
I know I reached a point where I was suddenly shocked at my weight. I was never massively overweight but it did reach a point where I knew I had to do something about it. My wife never said anything, it was my decision to lose weight and I feel better for it.
I dropped a dress size an hoping to drop another!
By: Davina
Subject: Re: Re: Bit of a catch up
I know plenty of women not even necessarily wives of men who point out if a bloke was too fat and needed to shave.
In work I hear it often with one of the women saying oh you’ve put on weight get yourself on a diet, or that beard now looks scruffy your poor wife and likewise have seen wives chastise husbands about they way they look or the way they’re dressed but it does not reciprocate the other way..
If I said to one of the women “You’ve put on weight you need to get yourself on a diet” a few things would happen
1) The office would fall quiet
2) Someone would say that’s uncalled for
3) Said woman would be upset might even cry
4) Line manager may say can I have a word...
Sindy lol Your friends who have big fat slobby husbands who do nothing but drink beer and sleep all weekend tell your friends to get them into Crossdressing lol Soon smarten themselves up.
I do think in equality measures there are things women can say which men cannot reciprocate as if we do we’re "sexist, the same way I’m not allowed to give opinion on a sexuality other than straight as then I’m homophobic..
I mean we have Gay Pride parades but I would not be able to have a straight parade as it would be called a homophobic march.
Equality is a funny thing which seems to have pushed straight man to the back of the queue or the bottom of the pile in terms of recognition and rights ..Diversity and inclusion pah.. and Straight crossdressers further down the well..
Agreed Women are more free with their physical expression and far sexier and know how to use the sexiness to their advantage and emotionally there is far less pressure to not cry as girls cry boys don’t its how were brought up.
Little boys and girls are told to toughen up – I’m guilty of telling my kids to toughen up when they cry over something really mundane such as the ipad has 1% power as they didn’t put it back on charge compared to the child in some 3rd world country who hasn’t even got water to drink – This is the modern first world and we have to keep things in perspective for our kids.
I only think crossdressing shouldn’t be such a big deal for women based on myself and Katie and other “Nice” Crossdressers which is why talking about it to see what type of Crossdresser you have lol is important.
There are levels of acceptance available if you can get over the “pervert” tag or the I didn’t marry a crossdresser tag – Well we know we didn’t say “I love you...will you marry me?… oh by the way I’m a Crossdresser so you’d better take that into consideration before you answer”.. but some of the traits when we let the alpha man guard down may be something you also fell for in loving the guy and that something may be the softer “fem” side his crossdressing provides which he rarely shows when his cape is on and he’s alpha man.
Crossdressing could be seen as a flaw, not sure its a biological one although it happens in all cultures .. my crossdressing started due to the feel of silk against my skin which as a kid I was used to cotton and silk felt nice then as I got older the attraction to women and sexy lingerie etc is that biological or is that a male visual thing?
Men can be socially shunned if their crossdressing is discovered because society moulds people to think “pervert...weirdo” I still wonder what my wife would have thought had I told her from the start I crossdress… Being such a catch as a bloke I doubt she would have worried about it lol.
North Korea are at the back of my mind in worries about ww3 there are other nations who worry me some supposed to be our Allies but I wont get all political here..
By: Sindy
Subject: Re: Bit of a catch up
I don't know any women who would tell their husbands he was too fat and needed to shave more! Maybe if the beard got grubby but I have friends married to big fat slobs who do nothing but drink beer and sleep all weekend and my friends keep quiet. If they said anything I think they know it wouldn't go down very well. Yes, it affects the sex life because he's not even trying but we're not always any more open about these things than you.
Maybe the Internet is clouding it as women say it more bluntly online? I dunno. Just seems everyone thinks women can say what they like when I don't really encounter this day to day.
We're more free with our physical expression though. That is the big difference and I agree with this. And maybe emotionally we feel less pressure to not cry or whatever but this is changing a lot and little boys are not usually told to toughen up anymore. Not unless dad is an arsehole and usually a mom will step in and suggest he let the boy cry.
Anyway, more food for thought here. Thanks Davina, you're always good at sharing the 'Davina Type' reality. I know it's hard for you to understand why crossdressing can be such a big deal for women and I don't know if it's social or biological or both. I remember watching a nature show many moons ago and a seal or walrus or whatever was kicked from the group because his whiskers were the wrong color and none of the girl seals would go near him. I know I've got that completely wrong, lol, but what I learned from this show was that biologically the species on this earth, including humans I'm sure, are damn picky. Even the smallest flaw destroys mating potential. I'm sure this goes for females too.
You have to admit, crossdressing could be seen as a biological mating flaw. If people know about it, men can be socially shunned and I guess women respond like the seals and avoid him. Doesn't make it right given we're not seals, but biology can be strong.
So that's the biological reason but socially it's changing and I doubt this will be such an issue decades from now. If humans are even still here - North Korea might have wiped us off the earth before then!!