Aww well done Carrol

I agree its better to know and make it work Although if youd have told me this at the start i would never have believed it.

Rebecca (wife)

Hi, my wife knew there was something about me when we first met and made me tell her and when I told her she just said " is that all" well there is my cupboard see you down stairs soon.

Since then she has been great 25 years on and we are still here. I dress most mornings when I am able, and do go out some times, just love the fem feeling and it feels me. she helps me do the makeup some times and we both look at cloths etc. I think telling the partner is most important, I cant lie to her its not fair and tell her every thing I have done when I go out, Carrol is a woman of my making and is the closest I can get to being, she does not feel threatened by Carrol, most wives do and this can cause a big problem, and hiding the fact we dress compounds it even more. I have always been open to her about this and we have no issues.

200 posts since i last checked wow

Good post Sindy gives insight into how women feel and we dont care at the time how men feel after their confession but im glad i found acceptance what have i missed Davina \ Hannah \ Katie i have some cating up to do

Started a new thread for you Davina.

Katie

The post above was meant for the other thread on this ah well serves me right multi tasking on the phone to work and typing it..

Hi Hannah

WE all aspire to look as good as we can when we dress hoping that someone will tell us we can pass which is easier for some than others. Saying that not everyone seeks this approval and again its just part of the pie chart of why men crossdress.

And we all love the female image and most of us love a particular female image and we try to emulate it when we dress in how we do our makeup, what wig we choose to wear and how we dress.

I look at that picture and my mind says wow "hubba hubba" lol shes stunning i really fancy her "woof!" and all those other manly stupid remarks made when we fancy someone but its actually Courtney Act a trans Drag Queen - Does that make me Bisexual Hec No!

However if i took her to bed and got down and dirty Hec Yeah! as shes a man so would make me Bisexual.. Not on my agenda.

This could be a whole new post and maybe I'll start one unless you'd like to Hannah as chatting to Laura she applauds you for being so open and thinks we should discuss sexuality and not shy away from it here as it is wives biggest fear.

Some people I chat to argue as she looks like a woman kissing and other foreplay doesn't make them Bisexual but Yes it does and some say its a new sexuality all together men and other t girls who fancy t girls and maybe we can acknowledge this as there are new terms coming out along the trans spectrum all the time and indeed in terms of sexuality so why not one for men and t girls who fancy tgirls.. slightly different again if you dated a TS girl who is a woman but thats also another thread and one i wont cover on the forum as its too far right of my understanding along the spectrum in terms of 1 being a cis woman and 6 being a cis man etc etc.

So that image above wow yes I'd fancy her... If she were a woman does that make me anything other than straight i don't think.

"Ok I know shes trans and yep i still fancy that 'image' nope still straight.."

Whats the wives view on this statement? - definitely a new thread required on this

So Hannah - Is this what your husband means when he says he thinks he's Bisexual? he fancies other T girls in image or he wants to do something about it?

From your email to me i kinda know why you'd think you may have pushed him into this but Katie may be right as its a topic of conversation I've had with lots of T girls seeking advice and also even today checking mail in TV Chix had a message asking me to meet up and as he put it " Be Nawty" .. to which i replied "HaHa No!"

Davina

I do think that the majority of men are crap at expressing their feelings. It's drummed into us from an early age that we have to hide them to be a 'man'. It's only the annonimity of this site that allows me to express my feelings which is why I started this post. I'm crap at talking about my feelings face to face so letting them out here is beneficial. Crossdressers still follow society's norms about what it is to be a man and so we have this internal struggle between what is acceptable and what is not. Once we find a peace it is hugely beneficial.

I think that the wives here have probabaly got a good handle Davina and myself as we've been able to express our feelings. You've probably got a better understanding than my own wife which is sad in someways. I should be able to speak to her about my feelings but there's always this 'macho' exterior that needs to be kept up - even though see knows I slip into heels and a dress! I need to be strong and steady, not emotional and' weak' - this is what society demands. I don't agree that being able to talk about being emotions is weak but that is the way society judges men. If you've got an open and honest relationship where your partner can express his feelings, without judgement, then you are doing him a huge favour. It's not healthly to bottle things up too much which is why being able to crossdress and relax helps.

This whole keeping a secret thing is about living up to society's expectations. Our wives and partners are also members of his society so we must also live up to their expectations which will normally percieve to be the same. Keeping this secret is about self protection. When and if we decide to tell our wives it is a huge decison taken after much soul searching. We do it out of love and trust - if we didn't feel this we woudl never confess.

Katie

Its hard as here you are in a relationship then hear him utter the words you never expected to hear from your macho husband i like to wear womens clothes

My Thought process was hes gay he wants to live as a woman omg how could i not see this coming

I never once felt lied to or betrayed and thanks to the internet and blogs like Davinas it got us talking then compromising working on how we both had to cope to the point we are now both secure and having fun with crossdressing still an every now and then thing and a private joke

I suppose we all cope with things differently but i didnt comprehend what he must have gone through before hand

Hannah (wife)

Hi Sindy

Thanks for the long answer.

I don't think there is any getting away from the fact that this is a very emotional subject and rejection is one of the emotions that you and many other wives feel. Many other emotions such a fear, anger, sadness, disgust, shame, anxiety, dejection, despair and the loss of trust will all also be experienced by wives and partners of crossdressers.

As a crossdresser I am only too aware that my wife may have felt some of these emotions and may still be feeling some of them even today. Why would anyone want to subject the person they love to these negative emotions?

Maybe that answers one of the reasons why so many crossdresssers stay in the closet. They think they can live their entire lives without ever having to let out the secret. They don't want to hurt their wives and partners and put them through all these emotions. I know there will aslo be selfish reason but I also know that holding a secret from a loved one can gnaw away at you until it becomes impossible to hold it in any longer.

There does seem to be a pattern amongst 'Davina' type crossdressers where the urges goes after your teenage years only to return at some stressful event in your late 30s and early 40s. This is not an excuse for not sharing but if you think it's a passing stage in your life why would you want to share such a thing that has be held deep down as a shameful act?

You mentioned lying. If my wife had asked me straight out if I was a crossdresser I would have told her the truth as I percieved it at the time. I had crossdressed in my youth but wasn't dressing now. I didn't crossdress again until well into our marriage in my late 30s which seems to be a common trend. May be had I had more knowledge I could of told her that the urge may return in later life but I did know what the fututre held at the time. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and never wrong but we are all human and prone to mistakes.

So not only do we harbour this fear of rejection but we also don't want to put our loved ones through all the other emotions. It takes a lot of soul searching to finally admit to your partner that you are a crossdresser, especially knowing that it will affect your relationship going forward. This maybe in a positive or negative way, you can only guess the consequences.

All of the emotions I have mentioned so far have been negaitive. I do believe that for every negative there is a corresponding positive feeling and it is only by communictaion and understanding that these positive emotions can come to the fore.

To be an accepting wife you will need to show courage, calmness, confidence, patience and above all love. As a crossdresser you will also need to exhibit the same emotions. You have dropped a bombshell that is going to change the dynamics of your marriage going forward. You need to find a way to make it work for the both of you. It's not going to be a smooth journey, but then when are marriages ever smooth. It's going to take work, understanding and compromises by both parties.

All that is needed is a little love and understanding and I was hoping to share some of the emotions that affect crossdressers. It was not meant in anyway to denigrate the emotions that our wives and partner have but just to give them a little more understanding as we stand their naked and exposed before them.

Katie

The site is so frustrating and no idea why being a site "WIX" Which is advertised on TV .

Ive typed half if this then watching it for a few seconds sometimes minutes appear on the screen with errors

Thanks for your thoughts Sindy and well prompted ladies .. its what i thought and it gives tgirls an inside to how we come across when we tell someone we crossdress And how resentment can linger

Ill Start a new thread with my view on Some of this asking crossdressers their views for the other side of the story.

And lord, this site is clunky...

But hey, also a boy mom here, so I do get why this all happens with the social double standard etc. Doesn't make the lying okay, but it does explain why it happens.

Haha, Rebecca, you know me...saying it like it is! So here's the longer answer...

And Katie, not directed at you personally, of course! Love you guys here. No, this is just some lingering anger from the past years in my own marriage and the group of wives I spent much time chatting to, and their rejection was HUGE. As will be, I'd assume, the rejection that wives of abusers, cheaters and porn addicts feel that you pointed out etc. Those behaviours are certainly awful, but I don't know how innate they are to the person, so I would think that's a different rejection than finding out your husband has been essentially switching genders (even just for fun) his entire life and never told you.

I get that it hurts to have your spouse openly dislike something about you that is so innate and important. That's a valid issue and it does seem like men bottle it up for a lifetime due to social pressure, only to put all their hopes into telling their wives as though she has some magic potion to help him feel better about it, and then they get rejected yet again. And of course they do. They went about it so very badly (lying for years etc) only a very rare few women would be happy to receive such news. Even the supportive wives here were utterly devastated when they first found out. So under these circumstances, rejection is almost inevitable.

And here's the other side of all this that might explain why - wives can also feel rejected for WHO they are when their husband reveals he's a crossdresser. Not only is she so very disappointed that he didn't give her any choice in the matter, BUT she also feels as though he doesn't even know or accept her for who she is. How could he, when he's clearly been misrepresenting himself. Their entire relationship was built around them being one way, and now suddenly it's another. So who is he really? And who does he think she REALLY is? Clearly, he doesn't think she's the heterosexual woman who has always adored, say, his broad shoulders and short dark hair, for he wouldn't now be standing in a blonde wig and frock, calling himself Candy and expecting her to be okay with it. Does he assume she's bisexual? Lesbian? Has Candy replaced her? Does he have any respect for her at all? Clearly, he doesn't know or even care who she really is, or he wouldn't have kept this from her, and now expect her to accommodate it...

Remember, like yours, these are just feelings. It's unlikely he meant for her to feel this way, obviously, but it happens. And it happens a lot.

So I get that it goes both ways. Crossdressing causes rejection when it's not revealed on day one, and when both parties feel who they are is not what the other person wants. Could all be avoided by men being honest...hence my lingering anger. If you keep such big, important secrets about who you really are, then the fallout is all yours and in my mind, crossdressers who lie should just suck up the feelings of rejection or move on. Harsh, yes. But the wives here have done a HUGE thing by accepting and accommodating their partners after they hid/lied/deceived and misrepresented themselves...often for years. I hope the husbands read here sometimes and see how amazing their wives are, and perhaps contemplate whether they could have been so gracious had it been the other way around. Honestly, excluding Katie and Davina, much of what I've read of the community, I'd bet many crossdressers would not be.

Sindy's two cents. x

Sindy harsh as ever lol lets have the full response and yes Katie far worse things but i too panicked and thought the worse and buried my head in the sand but over time got over it learnt to accept it as harmless and live ok with the Davina type crossdresser my husband is.

We dont think how you feel at all just what youve done to us in Coming out a crossdresser makes us think would wee have married you had we known but i do understand what you and Davina are saying and we made the right decision working through this to accept it.

Want to know sindys full thoughtsso come on Sindy get typing lets have it warts and all

Crossdressing have never been about replacing my wife with a female replica of myself. Why would you even bother getting married if you already had a ready made replica? This is not a competition about who feels the most rejected but me trying to explain how many crossdressers feel.

I appreciate the wives can be feel all sorts of emotions after finding out. But we're human too with our own emotions and this whole crossdressing thing can naw away at you over time.

There are plenty of married men out there who will vsit prostitutes, watch pornography behind their wives back, have affairs and sexually assult women. How do their wives feel? Do they feel rejected or is that acceptable male behaviour?

Katie

I'm sorry, but I've always found this rejection issue with crossdressers rather annoying, hence my short and informative initial response (you really don't want my indepth personal one). Crossdressers want to talk about rejection? Seriously? The very men who essentially replace their wives and partners with female replicas of themselves? YOU feel rejected?!!

Omg, pinch me when I'm done. I can't even...

Good post Katie and Davina.

We dont see your devastation only ours

We dont think oh wow hes worried about this secret for years and great now hes confided in us

We think straight away omg hes a crossdresser is he gay what does this mean for our marriage i dont know him any more is he a pervert and does he want to become a woman

The unimportant important aspect to you and the release and escapism it gives you does not help us on the surface ok it may help us in having chilled and more relaxed husbands but the initial reality is shock horror and rejection

You stepped out of your closet and brought us into our closet and we dont ever consider how you feel to us rejecting you

This is where tact of how to bring it up and communication comes to play as we know there can be a happy ending but i went through revulsion shock and loathing at the start then curiosity then acceptance at varying levels and granted i did this over a few months and did catch him in the act crossdressed although he tells me he wanted to tell me so hes sort of different to your example

Its good to read and understand how the crossdressing guy feels hiding this from society all those years before telling a wife does show love and trust and a hope for understanding and acceptance but we dont im afraid think of your pain for coming out and being rejected we think of ourselves and what others may think and even consider if we can stay with you which Sindy has mentioned and does happen sad to say

Talking about it and blogs and forums like this help as who knows if i hadnt found your blog i may have stayed with that thought of revulsion and shock

Im Glad i went for acceptance as its brought us closer given us a joint hobby in a way and a shared secret and crossdressing isnt the great evil and perverted thing were led to believe it is

So this is a good point to raise for other women to read just discovering they have a crossdressing other half how you feel and the trauma you go through

Emma (Wife)

For us as crossdressers we have dressing as an important but unimportant factor in our lives its just something weve always on and off with the urge done.

I suppose for some further along the trans spectrum its a lot more than this.

So We give it a lot of thought I repeat a Lot of thought before we blurt out that We Crossdress not knowing the Outcome and how our wives and girlfriends will take it having got our heads around crossdressing and why we do it for years which none of us can explain fully still .

Those found out its different but those of us who have Confided that we crossdress are imparting our deepest secret so its a Very difficult thing for us to do and for women to accept.. back to the view of society in how people react Omg hes Gay or wants to be a Woman.. nope

Thanks Sindy Any other ladies care to give an opinion as think its good for tgirls who havent come out to learn the rejection and why and how to deal with it and for wives and girlfriends to read along with other parts of this forum to see you may feel revulsion and rejection but you can eventually see it as an important unimportant thing we do for positive not perverted reasons.

I dunno, I've always found this issue sort of simple. A wife rejects a behaviour she doesn't like or understand. Any personal feelings of rejection he has are not about her and entirely about how he views himself. Spouses really don't have to like everything about each other, crossdressing included. I think therapy could help a man with these feelings, and maybe help him separate his self worth from the crossdressing.