That's a long time no.dressing we had a for a night last night

I think so.. I've not dressed since beginning of June and have had the urge a few times so guess its an addiction

This was a while ago is anyone addicted?

There are no withdrawl sysmpton other than getting a bit crouchy. Some T girls get to dress everyday other once a month or even less frequently. Although we may think about it we can't always act on it. I'm not sure any other 'addicts' coudl be so restrained.

It is an addiction in that we can't stop but we can control it. Every so often we just need to hit the release value.

Probably has become an addiction for him but then so is football

Crossdressing is "different" from the norm so enjoying it makes it an addiction?

He gets the urge and i sometimes as said set up an opportunity for him to dress oh no ill be called an enabler to his addiction now lol.

But he can forego an opportunity to dress as a woman when his urge surfaces knowing there will be other opportunities the same as missing a football match ie its on the planner to watch

Emma (RG Wife)

Sindy you say your husband definitely risks everything and yet he apparently can't stop.

OK I know its hard to stop Crossdressing we don’t but does he know that he’s risking everything? Is he blissfully unaware and thinks dressing away from home is ok by you?

You have often wondered over the years why he decided on a 'normal' life rather than just accept he's different and run in those circles?

Could ask that of myself and Katie and other T-girls on this forum.. We chose to live a normal life as …. We are normal.

We just happen to love the female image and crossdressing which is possibly more common than people realise.

We live a normal life as we want to live a normal life.. crossdressing doesn’t make it abnormal otherwise women dressing in mens clothing openly are living an abnormal life but its sexist to say that but not sexist to say a man cannot wear a dress?

Seems he made a decision to expect me to accommodate his compulsion rather than he accommodate it by living an alternative life.

He wants and lives a normal life with this being his only “defect?” which he does away from home like some men do playing golf etc.

Maybe like most of us we see it for what it is but society implies there is more to it than merely dressing up as a woman.

I don't think crossdressing fits an ordinary married with kids life.

You’d be surprised how many men I’ve chatted to on tvchix who are married with kids alpha males yet crossdress. No one really knows the real percentage of men who crossdress.. David Beckham likes to wear Posh’s knickers we were told… ok for him to do it?

I really don't. It's been a pain in the ass living with this and while I understand and do get the difficulties, I also feel angry some days that a person who compulsively drinks or sleeps around or whatever is encouraged to get help, but a compulsive crossdresser is told he's fine and everyone else around him is encouraged to live with it.

Yes as its far from a dangerous compulsion or far from dangerous to a marriage unless he cheats or decides he wants to become a woman which is really marriage threatening?

Crossdressers must be held more accountable for their behavior.

Why? Should a woman be held accountable for changing her image?

including at least trying to understand why it makes people uncomfortable

Communication communication communication!

(Katie and Davina, you already do this which is cool) rather than just doing the patriarchal thing and demanding everyone accept it.

I do want acceptance but also want people to understand the drivers, reasons and how it is so not a threat if controlled and understood.

Believe me, the other way around, and men have been very quick to label women with 'hysteria' or 'anxiety' or whatever and throw medication at us. The only reason crossdressing isn't medicated is because it affects men, not women!

Wrong … Soz but wrong.. what medication would I get to stop me crossdressing? Lol what medication would a star wars fan have to stop him dressing as Darth Vader or what medication would a man get to stop him being such a football fan or to stop him doing anything he enjoys?

Crossdressing is focussed on men as women can do this freely.

But, I think that will change one day. I know it's a popular meme that the younger generation of women will grow to accept and even like it, but that's just typical mansplaining.

I think the younger generation are far more open minded so sexuality and expression and gender.

As women grow stronger they'll also grow more tired of accommodating men's behavior (it's happening already) and I think they'll put their foot down and say 'stop'.

That’s when we chain ourselves to railings and say this is sexist and we’re being told we cant do something … We’re becoming boxed in as men we cant say certain things about women as its sexist, we cant say anything about someone of a different sexuality as it’s homophobic all groups of of people around us are via politically correctness making men people who shuld be seen and not heard.. we cant win but some still yell equality! And tell us women want equality… in my experience in the PC world women have gone past equality with people insisting on women only candidates for jobs.. whats that all about.. surely best person for a job man or woman thats equality and the same with cloting and image what does it really matter?

Then, maybe men will FINALLY take a long hard look at themselves and figure out how to help each other.

Men? Take a long hard look at themselves? What about women who we see more and more behaving like men? I don’t think you can bracket all men together and state we al need to take a long hard look at ourselves ie women tend to live longer than men so why not live life to the full and if that includes crossdressing what harm is it doing?

I swear most of these compulsive behaviors, including the sex addicted nightmare that is Weinstein, have come about because men ASSUME women are inferior and accommodating.

“Some men” and a minority of men at that.

Boys are also taught to be one dimensionally masculine.

Correct forced to be a certain way boxed in from an early age how to behave.

It's really not working well for anyone. Correct

But until then, here we are, so a twelve step program would be quite handy.

Step one try crossdressing step 2 dont look back and enjoy it lol

Not that my husband would do it. But if it were available, and he refused, it would sure bring about some interesting conversations as to why he valued crossdressing more than his family.

He doesnt … I dont

We dont value crossdressing more than family we just dont see what the big deal is if we sometimes dress as women.. ive given this a lot more though recently to the point after a few drinks it upset me thinking about it an why I do it and why it is so harmless why the hell am I so worried with Esme accepting it but knowing she would rather I didnt do it and the conclusion is lifes too short so I crossdress and enjoy it it does not affect my male life or marriage or make me any less of a man or father or Engineer or captain of a sports team..

There is always going to be some psychological reason why men crossdress.

Enjoyment, Fun, turn on, escapism, destressing…

And it is such a huge addiction that men are willing to risk their marriage, family and friends to persue.

I’m not willing to risk all that and I don’t see why my crossdressing should be or is a risk at all to any of the above.

Because of this it needs an elemnet of understanding from the wife or partner.

If a wife can find understanding and see crossdressing for what it is you’re onto a winner.

In my case I beleive it's a habit that is learned and very hard to break.

It is a habbit hard to break like other habits one enjoys … The main thing to say is it is harmless fun! Would it be harmful for a woman to dress as a man ocassionally? Nope?

Trying to break the habit makes us miserable.

Correct like anything you enjoy and have fun with if you cant do it you become miserable.

It's so hard that men are willing to turn there back on many years of marriage.

I’m not.

I'm not sure that the urge will ever go away.

I feel if I can’t look ok dressed it may subside.

Most of the time we can manage it and live a 'normal' life to all those who don't know the secret.

No one would ever think male me is a crossdresser.

Q MY husband likes to cross-dress. We have been married for 15 years, have two children, and a comfortable home. My husband and I have a very good relationship, and I always knew about his desire to dress in women's clothes.

Sometimes, he wears lingerie. And he has often asked me to allow him to dress up as a woman when we are alone, but I have always resisted this as I'm afraid it will damage our marriage.

He has never insisted on doing this, just merely asked me if he could.

For the past year, however, his work has taken him away a lot. Occasionally, he stays away an extra night, and I know this is in order to dress up fully - to do what I won't allow him to do with me.

He is a terrific husband and father - we are soulmates, and we have a very good sex life. But his desire to dress up causes me to worry, and the fact that his need to dress up is intensifying worries me even more. I do not know how I would cope with seeing him fully dressed as a woman. I also fear that he may end up leading a double life.

Some extracts from the Agony Aunt reply with my comments..

AMODERN society chooses to see cross-dressing as a simple choice, a whim even, or just a form of fun.

(Davina – Form most of us this is just what it is or partly what it is all about F.U.N.!!)

That's decidedly missing the point. - (Davina – Says the Agony Aunt who probably isn’t married to a Crossdresser)

Many cross-dressers are driven by addiction. A man dressing up in women's clothes is seeking, and getting, emotional comfort - very often, most profound emotional comfort. (Davina – Really? Escapism and fun and for some a turn on.. Emotional support ehhh maybe a little)

The psychological steps leading to this are complex, and perhaps we'll get to talk about them some time, but the basic principle is simple. Wearing women's clothes fulfils a deep need. And the individual feels a powerful pull to cross-dress and meet that need. He feels compelled. He's not acting on a whim. It seems terribly necessary to him.

(Davina – sometimes there’s an Urge or need and sometimes its just opportunity it’s not really as complex as the Agony Aunt points out)

Of course, different men will talk of different sensations - like feeling relaxed, or de-stressing, or being complete. (Davina Yes, Yes, No it doesn’t make me feel complete)

But these are just words. Behind cross-dressing, very often, lies serious psychological distress.

(Davina – Oh here we go where the Agony Aunt links crossdressing with us being Mad? Stress is that psycological distress? My job is stressful and other things cause me stress but if I didnt have stress get this… I’d still enjoy Crossdressing.. I wasnt stressed as a kid, teenager, in my 20s care free and stressless and … Crossdressing).

I don't know if your husband falls into this category, although my guess is that he does. Otherwise, why would he pursue something which makes you unhappy?

Davina – OK why would he choose to do something which makes the wife unhappy? He didn’t, in fact what’s it got to do with the wife? Even if he’s told her it’s his hobby or thing which gives him some enjoyment .. if I wife doesn’t like it ignore it like she does when he watches football, plays golf or goes to the pub with his mates.. This is typical of an Agony Aunt she’s taken a side in this and pointing at the man crossdressing saying “Why would you do something to upset your wife?”

He loves you, why would he jeopardise your relationship?

Davina – He isn’t as in this case he’s dressing away from home .. he’s away anyway so what’s the difference?

Yes, I know he may not see things in quite these terms. Davina – too right.

Society tells him he's fine. Davina – Does it hell! Society ridicules us for crossdressing and calls us perverts or Gay

You've ring-fenced your marriage by putting down clear boundary lines about his dressing-up, which he respects. And he thinks he's found the solution - namely, to pursue his addiction elsewhere. His new job, he feels, has given him an 'out'. Except, of course, that it hasn't. Not really. Otherwise you wouldn't be worried enough to seek help.

Davina – So would she prefer he dresses at home?

The reality is that your husband is walking a dangerous tightrope in terms of your relationship, a tightrope that is so obvious precisely because you love him, because you are so close as a couple, because of your emotional intimacy.

Davina – Why is he walking a dangerous tightrope she’s making huge assumptions.

What you're really asking me, of course, is whether or not you can rein your husband in, or whether it would be wise to try and do so. What you're thinking is that if you allowed him to dress up as a woman while with you, then, perhaps, he wouldn't stay away extra nights and lead this de facto double life.

Davina – Is she asking this?

There are several answers required on that. To begin with, you should not do anything that makes you deeply uncomfortable. That would, indeed, signal the end of your happiness. Doing something that is deeply offensive to us does not help a relationship, no matter how well intentioned, because it damages emotional intimacy.

Davina – What type of advice is this?

Apart from that, there is no reason to presume your husband would be satisfied with just dressing up at home.

Davina – Advice would be ask him not presume either way it may be that he’d prefer to work from home crossdressed or dress at home when home alone.

Addiction, by its very nature, tends to seep out no matter what controls are in place. If he wants to dress as a woman, he may well want to appear as a woman, and the privacy of your bedroom may not be enough, particularly if he's already got a taste for public appearances while away.

Davina – who says he’s out in public dressed as a woman there are far too many presumptions making this all sound worse than it is!!

Addictive cross-dressing is, in one sense, just like addictive drinking. You can't contain it by having drinks together.

Davina – she has no clue as you can control crossdressing urges and most of the time you have to due to lack of opportunity.

Of course, many wives tried, thinking that if they went boozing with their husbands it would somehow limit their drinking. It doesn't.

Davina – what a terribly annalogy

I'm not sure that your husband's need to cross-dress is intensifying. It may simply be that he now has opportunities he didn't have in the past. Because, of course, I am not suggesting that he - or any other compulsive cross-dresser - simply gives in to the desire, whenever it occurs. On the contrary, he probably battles with it quite a lot. In other words, addiction can be combated by restricting opportunities, as well as by the individual's conscience.

Davina – shes saying one thing then another – it cannot be combatted! There’s an urge you can put it off but like putting off anything you enjoy its unhealthy to suppress it especially if it helps escape male life and stress temporarily

Your husband respects your wishes. He doesn't dress up where his kids might see him either. So he is not a slave to his addiction. Being away from home just makes it easy, and apparently safe.

Davina – he wont want the kids to know and dressing when away from home may be his only opportunity. A hotel room no one to barge in or catch him dressed it’s a relative safe place.

Your husband's behaviour is ultimately down to him.

Davina – Your husbands behaviour like hes being naughty? He’s a crossdresser that’s all.. what’s his reasons? she’s not asked or mentioned any real reasons why he might crossdress inclusive of some men crossdress as their wives wont wear items of clothing they find attractive so wear them themselves… I keep harping on about it but no one ever mentions when the wife changes her appearance in a marriage, starts making less of an effort to look her best, stops wearing the things that he likes her to wear with this unwritten law you cant mention it or she will bite your head off.

All you can do is be clear about where you stand.

Davina – the best advice is to discuss it open and honest , what’s the drive to dress? What does he do? What does he want ideal world and what does he want as a minimum which may just be acceptance as something he does.. can a compromise be sought?

It won't help for you to do something you fundamentally dislike. Even more importantly, you have to be clear about the limits of your influence.

Davina – work on a compromise.

You can't contain your husband's behaviour, let alone heal it, by allowing him the freedom to bring it into your bedroom, or sitting room, or kitchen.

Davina – heal it like its a disease? She is really off the mark this agony aunt!

All you can do is let your husband know the risk he's taking.

Davina – what risk? An end to a marriage because he dresses up as a woman occasionally? Could there be a risk if a wife changes how she looks and the man starts to look elsewhere?

Let him know how distressed you are, how worried you are, and how damaging this could become to your marriage.

Davina – he may likewise become distressed for not being able to crossdress or through supressing crossdressing… There are two sides to this which is why a compromise is required and dressing away may end up that compromise.

After that, you have to trust in the fact that it's down to him. Your husband, if he wishes, can tackle his need to cross-dress. There are plenty of therapists out there who know the score. It's his decision. It's difficult, but he has a choice, not a simple one, but a choice.

Davina – Terrible advice throughout

It's kind of sad reading that, Katie. My husband definitely risks everything and yet he apparently can't stop. I have often wondered over the years why he decided on a 'normal' life rather than just accept he's different and run in those circles. Seems he made a decision to expect me to accommodate his compulsion rather than he accommodate it by living an alternative life. I don't think crossdressing fits an ordinary married with kids life. I really don't. It's been a pain in the ass living with this and while I understand and do get the difficulties, I also feel angry some days that a person who compulsively drinks or sleeps around or whatever is encouraged to get help, but a compulsive crossdresser is told he's fine and everyone else around him is encouraged to live with it. Crossdressers must be held more accountable for their behavior, including at least trying to understand why it makes people uncomfortable (Katie and Davina, you already do this which is cool) rather than just doing the patriarchal thing and demanding everyone accept it. Believe me, the other way around, and men have been very quick to label women with 'hysteria' or 'anxiety' or whatever and throw medication at us. The only reason crossdressing isn't medicated is because it affects men, not women!

But, I think that will change one day. I know it's a popular meme that the younger generation of women will grow to accept and even like it, but that's just typical mansplaining, and I personally think as women grow stronger they'll also grow more tired of accommodating men's behavior (it's happening already) and I think they'll put their foot down and say 'stop'. Then, maybe men will FINALLY take a long hard look at themselves and figure out how to help each other. I swear most of these compulsive behaviors, including the sex addicted nightmare that is Weinstein, have come about because men ASSUME women are inferior and accommodating. Boys are also taught to be one dimensionally masculine. It's really not working well for anyone.

But until then, here we are, so a twelve step program would be quite handy. Not that my husband would do it. But if it were available, and he refused, it would sure bring about some interesting conversations as to why he valued crossdressing more than his family.

I think that there are a variety of reason that men crossdress. The problem is crossdressing / transgender / transvestite or what ever you want to call it is a catch all phrase that drags a lot of different motivations into one place.

There is always going to be some psychological reason why men crossdress. And it is such a huge addiction that men are willing to risk their marriage, family and friends to persue. Because of this it needs an elemnet of understanding from the wife or partner. In my case I beleive it's a habit that is learned and very hard to break. I learnt to ride a bike and no matter how many years since the last time I rode a bike I can still get on the saddle and ride. How can you break such a strong link.

Trying to break the habit makes us miserable. It's so hard that men are willing to turn there back on many years of marriage. I'm not sure that the urge will ever go away. Most of the time we can manage it and live a 'normal' life to all those who don't know the secret.

It may be an addiction but a harmless one still in my book.

If it does help de-stress me or help me relax i see it as a benefit.

What else could i do to relax and destress and escape from the Alpha male bonds for a while every few weeks that is as theraputic?

Ive skim read the agony aunts response and will read in more detail later but i can tell its written by a woman often by a woman whos not affected by a crossdressing husband so just her point of view on a subject not speaking from experiance.

ill post more later

NIce to have you back Sindy x

DAvina